the stress- yeah i keep walking and trying to keep busy and occupied - school will start and i'll go try and conquer my "technique" with that- still not prevailing (what little animals alot of kids are - one has to wonder)
but they're people too (i'm pretty sure) and i'm thinking there's got to be something in there to reach - and get them to see me as a person as well as their selves.
my current theory- get them to see me as a person - not just "a substitute" - ta da
anyway- need to blow over to sisters - back later.
my life is the land of teh ANGRY RELATIVE here- took a sleeping pill and headed to bed last nite with angry resolution to sister who called and woke me up to just leave her & other sisters (3) to figure it out about mom
i'm done with accepting the spew from mom, sis, bil- you name it.
anyone feeling sooooo angry with me in life can just write it down or tell each otehr.
the complaint department is closed - forever......
falling down 156- getting up 157 (resolution queen of the land)
How are you coming along with your h, he's going to be coming up to NJ pretty soon. You seem to be in a good place having returned back and jumping into life. Are you prepared to not let him rock your world upon his arrival, and departure?
That's good that your going to try sub teaching again, anything that keeps you moving forward is good.
Your sitch with mom is not ideal, but hey, it has got you girls all talking, you may be ducking down at the same time, but your family.
My life is to strange right now, I need to take a step back and look in. My mom popping in and only wanting to talk to me, h and his weakness dropping lots of work worth $$$$. This is a man that wouldn't take a day off if he was on fire, we have water don't we?
We have come a long way and the future doesn't seem any clearer, but at least we seem to be wearing the proper head gear for the next crash. There is always another to follow as long as we are still attached to our MLCer one way or another.
You by a house he "needs" to visit and me in more ways than I want or want to admit! When he last said , I don't want to be here, I said, wherever you go...there you are. I need to take my own advice before I haul butt outa here.
I like that my mom and dad contacted me but they are so afraid of getting caught in the MLC drama they don't even want to come out of the shaded area in case they are seen.
Maybe it will be easier to have a R with them where H can't just drop by, last time he devastated them with his spew, he was so thick in into then.
They move away in Oct. and I am welcome to fly over any time. Hey, I would have to fly into Vegas, what am I complaining about, it might make it easier to reopen my dreams of moving out there, not the city, but there is a lovely suburb I have had my eye on like they are, just not the same one, whew!
My daughter is already taking classes to transfer to the University, her major is very important out there. Plus, my S26 is moving to Az, only a 4hr drive, where she can also transfer her major because of an awesome program. So I do have in the back of my mind that I have options.
I never ever wanted to stay here for life, we were out the door pre-MLC, I need to move forward. Leave him behind? Let him find me if he wakes up? Don't give a damn, do what I gotta do and let happen what will? I'm sitting on a teeter totter right now, which way will I jump?
You did it, you moved away and he followed, I know you think maybe that was part of the problem, but you made a move you needed for yourself. I don't think you would take it back? Plus, I'm not really gambling if I decide later on to change it up, because I'm ok with living without him.
Yea, I'm the one here saying I don't think I want a R with my H anymore!
One other person wrote it the other day, someone returning after a while, it was interesting to read.
(((((()))))) dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Are you prepared to not let him rock your world upon his arrival, and departure?
you know- i seriously hope so...
my world is exhausted at this moment- toooooo much drama around here with the nutty personalities for me
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Your sitch with mom is not ideal, but hey, it has got you girls all talking, you may be ducking down at the same time, but your family.
funny you should put it quite that way. i've always "talked to" everyone in this stupid family.
i'm thinking today- that there are two types of people in the world - those that run from the "enemy" (trouble) and those who are not content until they kill or destroy the enemy.
i think my nazisister and her h & my mom (one bit lesser degree- but same) are the latter. my feeling in my gut- (i know- extreme & exotic) is that these guys will not be content until i am rendered "neutral". in other words- until who i am is destroyed. their words - "everyone hates you - actual list...." "you are an awful person and a horrible daughter who should be ashamed of yourself "you should move to florida and stay there- nobody wants you here" - on and on. (with alot of bulging veins and spit flying" - , and then mom- just mundane picking- but none good anyhow... i'm done with them this minute ...
NONE OF IT GOOD. alllllll those gazillion man hours i've been there instead of having my own life - do not count. nothing counts - now that they've become inconvenienced - i think i've done my best with this junk-
i still think i'm an okay person- and don't deserve their spew. OR - not their place to judge me anyway (BIL - " I DO JUDGE YOU- I HAVE JUDGED YOU" "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED" ..... f him. my professional opinion
IDK DAWN - if that is their idea of family- i do not need them in my family or life - their move - i'm done. my sister has shot herself in foot as far as mom- i'm stepping back- she can figure out how to fill in my blank.
YAWN - BOOOOORRRRRING - I KNOW- HERE'S ME STOPPING....
CRICKET chirp, chirp...
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We have come a long way and the future doesn't seem any clearer, but at least we seem to be wearing the proper head gear for the next crash. There is always another to follow as long as we are still attached to our MLCer one way or another.
very well put dearie- wtf do we DO about that tho? it would seem this is part of "our journey" - no?... riding along, this crash, that crash, continuing "forward" . are we moving "forward"? in any way other than mental stability & less pain in general?? (not that that is not huge - - - i think we're both waaaay more philosophical and less "bleeding profusely")_)
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I like that my mom and dad contacted me but they are so afraid of getting caught in the MLC drama they don't even want to come out of the shaded area in case they are seen.
oh- i don't thihk i appreciated that- that they knew and witnessed it - looking back on my bil - it is a very very hard thing to endure- i cannot imagine watching a loved one absorb the blows- i might be moved to violence. it's one thing for us to stand & face it- it's quite another if you're watching. my poor little neice is shattered by seeing that sort of verbal abuse- i'm sorry she had to see it. it's him should be ashamed - very very ashamed. and he's mr"i'm the perfect caring father & family man" "i'm a professional" , "i've been published" - - well, not so nice to this fam.
I hope that you and your mom and dad can get on a good footing again- it is nice when you feel like part of a group- part of a family. it's something i always wanted to feel so much- always did- but see now maybe it was my imagination... one wonders.
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You did it, you moved away and he followed, I know you think maybe that was part of the problem, but you made a move you needed for yourself. I don't think you would take it back? Plus, I'm not really gambling if I decide later on to change it up, because I'm ok with living without him.
i didn't look at it that way (me and this house) - perspective is everything isn't it? i'm tired of living alone tho- but as you say - would i undo it? i don't know that answer. i was well and truly fed up with it all being "HIS LIFE _ his house - his needs, etc." i guess i wanted to feel like someting was my own home- like i had some rights to be there - like i owned it- that's not so shabby is it, for a 50 yr old person to want a home that could be seen as hers (too?) - so far not the end of the world- (despite major major mlc road block) -
wow dawn- definitive. your attitude - what exactly is your prior "tie" with nevada & AZ? or your big attraction - i'm curious. to me they are hot dry places and after florida- i can't be objective. (i don't even tan- should be under a rock in norway or something) i'm not sure if i knew this already- . with family out there it surely would be alot easier to make it happen. there's something about a friendly network of some sort - and a kid - well...
so great for you- some plan forming in your mind and certainty also takng on a
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[/quote]form of it's own. you sound truly on your way (somewhere good).
[quote]Don't give a damn, do what I gotta do and let happen what will? I'm sitting on a teeter totter right now, which way will I jump?
you know- sounds familiar. which way indeed????? it will be interesting to see. i'm happy to hear you more "settled" in your mind and resolve. i'm somewhere- not sure exactly and too tired to formulate rite now.
lots and lots of trauma and drama on the mom, fam, sister front. i cannot do this crappola now - (my last couple yrs &mlc trauma, etc.) i feel beat up. it's a pity fest with me- i even hate how wah wah i sound sometimes. it's this damn gut- it's sending me the "save yourself from these idiots "message.
i have to say that in 62 years i've hardly ever been on the receiving end of vein-popping anger/spew like this. i don't like it. i don't feel safe around it- this bil- what a stuffed shirt- but when he spews - it's awful and my gut says "stay still - get away first chance - danger - danger". if he came to my door alone- i wouldn't let him in. what the heck, if people can become so self righteous and enraged - and i mean ENRAGED - WHAT IF HE decided to just top me? i mean, i don't know this guy- he can be a PhD til the cows come home- nothin to me - i feel threatened by his anger & my sister with her hate fest - certainly is not a well-wisher either. perhaps it's my somewhat fragile state of mind this moment- but they creep me out and i don't want it in my life. in any form. ta da----
sos - different day-
hope your day is good- i'm going to clean up around here- see if i acn make it acceptible. I yanked a whold ton of monarda - need to work on garden big time if i could get aorund to it.
my other sister keeps tryin to rope me in into committing about the mom junk- i'm resisting. still need this break- regain my perspective. she can just fill in also- like i don't just put my life aside and do this junk allll the time. - they'll all eat each other if they've got to work it out without me in the mix. little life lesson? we wonder.
she's off work til Sat - THANK GOD. I THNK GOD IS GIVING ME A BREAK FROM IT- who ever would have been so thankful for her to be off work and able to fill in???? yay yay yay...
okay- onward and upward. yay dawn , yay yay dawn (you sound sooooo EVEN - i'm so happy and feel hopeful hearing your "voice".
it's been a long long few years hasn't it? i say go become a dealer in a casino or something where you meet alot of people allll the time. i'm in the mood for that myself- i keep thinking if i get really bored- i'll get a check out job at lowes and deal with the public all evening. hey- it's people- and alot of them, rite???? hermit-no-more. (crab).
h's aunt in FL, that he takes care of, died yesterday morning. It's always so sad and a kind of "surprise" when it really happens. Thankfully she was at home, watching tv on her couch and just slipped away. it's a good way to go i think- i'd take the same. she was a part of our life - it seems to be the year for people leaving our life- his dad in march, her now. the two most important older people in his life. he says he's fine- it's a wierd thing and he's a strange man.
he called a couple times yesterday- it's a funny thing- wanting (i guess) to talk to someone who knows allllllll the history about an event. a death. a r, a person.
idk what the heck it signifies in his life. to me- sad to see her go, but the likelihood was that she'd have a much more "awful" end - this was definitely God being merciful. she was a good catholic & Godfearing person.
Nero, I am sorry to hear about your h's aunt. God has a way of taking care of things and she went very quickly and peacefully at home. My condolences to you and your family.
I think that as we age, we begin to notice more and more people departing this earth. I have seen quite a few people pass away this year, but more so in my age bracket and not in the 70-90 age bracket. Many of them were suicides.
I will keep her in my prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
she was 89 - had a good life- it's just always sad to see someone heading out of our lives. just me.
ur- you know, i'm thinking i may not be setting the road on fire- but i kind of see myself moving forward, even if slowly.
the job & substituting - getting out and meeting new people- getting a life and paycheck - however modest the beginning- i think it's definitely SOMETHING biggish.
i go visit and get out of house as much as i have option to- i'm a homebody type person- so it's kind of new, tho i've always liked people and have friends - so it's just new that i actually transport my butt out to visit- but have been last couple years. it's nice they're there TO visit- when a body needs some company.
my mother is there- it's a given and even tho i'd like to "move past" all the family trauma- it does exist and she is living there a few minutes away - in her house - and she too must be dealt with, somehow , some way.
h - well, idk exactly what the heck i will DO about that (ultimately) . for the past two weeks entirely waaaay too much going on to even give it a thought just now. he's a cheating rat- BUT he is also a rock in my life (of some sort) - where none seem to exist anymore. (he pays bills, he interacts with mother when here ) and swears he'd come in a minute if ineeded him? !! wtf? idk what the heck is going on in his brain- i cannot bother any more to figure that out. i'd like to be all fearless girl - but honestly- even a crappy rock is something some days- rather than just swirling water with no foothold at all - anywhere. who knows- if i saw a bigger better one out there- i'd gladly take a step on - nothing more or other going on to be jumping to rite now tho - ta da...
going slow- eyes wide open- open totally to new experiences or possibilities - school starts next week, company coming - need to go meet body next week in NY state for burial- mom not un-feeble enough yet to function on own-
just seems like bunches of junk. so anyway-
xxoo this hate sister - she was the one i thought i was closest to- it's very icky to realize her anger issues or whatever it is she's got going on - that exists too. it hurts my feelings a bit and makes me mad a bit- BUT SHE'S alive, related and that's got to be faced also. i have no plan for any confrontation- she just exists and is in my life somewhat.
Hey my friend, I did not mean, in anyway, to insinuate that you were not moving forward. Any move, no matter the size, is great. I am sorry if anything I wrote made you feel that.
I forgot you were going to work. That's awesome. Your moves are not small. Getting a job, getting out to meet people, taking time out from dealing with your mom etc, are big things.
As far as your h, you dont need to make a decision until you are ready to.
Your family is your family. We dont get to pick em. And I know how hard it is to deal with an elderly, sick parent. Very tough.
I know it's hard, all this with your sister. Just be true to you, Nero. Do what you feel is right and enough and she is just going to have to accept it.
