The short version is, SSM, little to no affection, H EA possible PA years ago resentment never resolved, became the bickersons, H totally withdrew and then announced he wanted out. In house separation until his lifestyle was becoming too confusing for the teenage boys, he moved out last December. We barely communicate anymore and he rarely does anything with the kids. He's extremely passive and makes assumptions that can get in the way; it's always been up to me to plan, clarify, communicate and smooth things over and I'm not doing those things anymore. I am moving forward. That's the birdseye view.
So we've had a couple of interactions I could only say were completely positive. H came over to help S13 install a hammock in place of his bed, and then on his own initiative set up hooks on the screen porch for the one I like to sit in. That was nice and I told him so.
Then the kids whined and bargained just one time more than I could resist on the labor day weekend camping trip I had planned. I had told H we were going. Friday night they wore me down and I asked him if there was any chance he was available this weekend to come stay with them so I could go without them and he agreed. He had a wedding to go to Saturday night but otherwise would come.
I checked with him about whether to also get a dog sitter, because in the past, for as long as we've had dogs, H will leave poop on the floor, for days if necessary, until I get home to clean it up. I really dislike this and find it passive aggressive, rude, and unclean. Knowing he does this, I said, "I'm on the fence but will be glad to get the dog sitters if you're still unwilling to clean up if the dogs mess on the floor." He blustered a bit about this but insisted I didn't need a dog sitter and agreed that if there was a mess he would pick it up. Cool, we have an agreement.
So I went off the grid and had a wonderful time for three days. When I got phone service back there were only a few messages from H, two asking "Did you go to ___?" and one asking if I could tell him where to find the school supply list because they were out shopping. I texted back about where I went (weird because both kids knew what camp I had gone to and H knew I was camping, don't know why he asked me that twice but whatever). I didn't respond to the school supplies because it was too late they weren't at the store at that point and I was on the road.
I got home and went up to say hello to H who was on my (our?) bed watching tennis. We chit chatted about the wedding and the tennis and my weekend and theirs. I was pleased about that because last time he stayed with the kids he literally bolted when I came home, abruptly. I had texted him later about that just saying "was everything ok because you bolted when I got home" which he never responded to but I guess got the message. It was nice to be able to find out how the kids were and what they did. I unpacked, did laundry, did dishes, greeted the kiddos, and was quite happy. H moved at some point down to the living room couch where he was on his iphone hanging out. An hour or so later I went to get the car washed and vacuumed which I knew would take a while so I said I was leaving and thanks for everything, and when I returned he was gone. He actually left money folded on the counter with a post-it that said "for school supplies."
So I feel completely rejuvenated from a REAL break from the kids and a wonderful time out in nature being completely self sufficient and enjoying some friends and getting a ton of exercise. My favorite thing was packing my little stove and food up a huge mountain and cooking beef stew up on the top. A storm rolled in and we sat in the rain eating hot beef stew and then it cleared for us to hike back down. Wonderful! Stayed clear after that for a couple hours of kayaking before dinner. Just a great time. I missed the kids and didn't at the same time.
While puttering around with H in the house a couple of times I thought about saying hey by the way I intend to buy you out of the house are you going to have a problem with that? Having that conversation is holding me back, but I didn't want to interrupt the new and rare positive energy with some business talk. I want to choose a better time for that but need to do it. I feel motivated to finish our financial separation this month, and I signed up for a class mid-September that's a short seminar on finances surrounding divorce. I want to get my books straightened out before that, go to that for some ideas and shoring up, and then respond to the dusty ancient separation agreement H gave me back in November 2012.
My meetup group that I started passed its first anniversary last month and is going strong with almost 80 members (not all have shown up in person but it's a nice sized group). This week we'll celebrate with a toast. I can say that it has definitely helped me to have a small group of people who never knew me before and have no way of knowing or caring my marital situation, all the while working on a skill that I have wanted for a long time. Sometimes I don't feel up to it but I'm always always glad afterwards; it's so affirming.
I no longer feel in any way LESS because of my relationship with my H. I no longer feel at all that I might be unhappy or pining from now on without him. Sometimes I'm sad about this or that, sometimes I'm lonely or feeling the weight of single motherhood, but feelings just come and go like the weather and they don't define me. My baseline is generally sunny and cheerful and positive; it's how I've always been. The difference is now that's never a veneer. I really feel the other emotions and handle them appropriately; I try to be authentic and really understand myself and accept all of it.
I'm excited with the kids back in school that I can devote my mind to work during the workday and be less distracted and more productive, and then get back to being more family-oriented at home and not distracted by the work that still needs finishing up. Compartmentalizing can be a good thing for a working mom, so it's not all on the plate all at the same time. Fall is good.
I'm planning another trip to Myrtle Beach in October, and a backpacking trip before then. Part of my September plan is to agree with H on a more regular and scheduled time that he's on with the kids. This ad-hoc parenting for him is not working for me.
I guess that's all I have to report on at this point.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Advina, good to see you back. I’m glad to know that you are doing well these days. I hope S15 is not giving you any more trouble.
I guess I can call my H passive too. He mentioned the D word, but has not done anything about it yet. I guess he is waiting for me to do it. I’m 14 months post BD. Maybe I will be ready in a few more months, who knows. Meantime, I enjoy my time and stay positive that I will be fine without H.
Your fall trips sound exciting.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I compartmentalize everything lol! Can't live in the now if I don't. I never used to and emotions and actions would just bleed from one area to the next. Now...not so much.
Although, I have tucked away the 9000 loads of laundry to fold, so I'd better go...
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hi! I'm doing fine. I'm reading more than I'm writing lately, and out living in the real world more than either of those, which is a healthy change of focus for me.
I really enjoyed the financial seminar last week, got some motivation to take a look at my financial separation terms, and then went back to status quo of getting around to it. Plenty of other stuff to do, always!
I bought S15 an iphone because his phone and his ipod both needed replacing, and because he's a good kid and I wanted him to have it (and it was on sale, and he helped pay for it). Next day, H made a snide comment in passing to me about the data plan but did not say a complete sentence or begin a conversation, so I didn't worry about it. Day after that, S15 asked me if I'd talk to H because H had texted S15 that he (s15) has to pay $40/month for his data plan. S15 had responded that he thought H should talk to me about that. Since he did not approach me, I initiated a text to H letting him know that if he wanted to discuss my phone bill with me he could just ask me, and that I did not tell S15 he had to pay for his data. H wrote back a condescending message beginning with "You both need to understand that..." I responded OK thanks.
However, after further thought I need to paint the bigger picture that H should not be making unilateral decisions about things in my household; he needs to discuss his wishes with me and he needs to respect that after considering his input I may still make a different decision. (This is my IC's suggestion. It's more mature than blowing off H's whining. And considering the potential value in a bully-ish reprimand requires more strength of character than simply being oppositional, and is how I would rather role model for my kid.)
Basically, the way he came out of the gate about *my* phone bill brought out the old oppositional habit. Always something to work on.
We've had a couple of neutral email exchanges about bills and car insurance and mundane stuff like that, and he's staying at the house while I go on a business trip next week. He wants to come watch some of an out-of-town lacrosse tournament we'll be at this weekend. He invited S13 biking last weekend but S13 declined. He moved to a nearby town at the beginning of August and none of us has seen where he lives. I don't think about him much.
I have been working very hard at some fitness goals I finally decided to take seriously; this is taking up a lot of my time and mental energy. I feel some pride of accomplishment. There's been a lot of activity around family coming in from out of town to spend more time with my mom. Her cancer is apparently gone? in remission? and her Alzheimer's seems to be ok for now. She acts very sweet and childlike. I know my dad is doing a ton behind the scenes, which is how he wants it. I'm still plugging away at the guitar.
Things with S15 have calmed down a lot. If the kids are getting drunk or high it is outside my house, and I'm not seeing evidence of it. That's an improvement. The chewing tobacco, well, it's still around. No one has snuck into or out of the house at 3am since I don't know when, mid-summer? We're doing drivers ed.
I had a huge emotional response to what looked like a setback in S15's sport, viz which team he got selected for. I had a little cry (on my own), worried about him being disappointed, talked to another of the moms, and then dialed myself way back and asked the asst coach how he thought best to frame the decision for S15 in a way that was encouraging. Got some good advice to not read anything into it. S15 turned out fine, good things happened, and I learned I could have skipped all that emotional stuff for the same outcome. But what I was stressing over was how to be more like a dad for him when that was what he needed at the moment. I had to get my head in the right place. I think it will get easier, if I can learn to chill out.
I'm working with S13 on his anxiety and school issues. He's being mentored by another dad in the scouts so has renewed interest in getting qualified to do high adventure trips.
I'm feeling good about being separated. I wish I could go to the dad store and get my kids an involved dad, and that is one thing I have some sense of regret about. For me, I'm in a better place than before and don't feel much pressure to do anything regarding H. Eventually, yeah, the finances need to get figured out.
I didn't turn myself into a younger more beautiful Good Housekeeping certified relationship expert, so I may not be a wife only a fool would leave, but I do try to work a bit every day to ensure that I really like and respect who I am. I think that's good. Whether this husband or any other would leave me is on them, lol! I'll be fine.
I still think of myself as DB'ing. By that I mean I'm giving H all the space he wanted and more. I'm authentically doing fine and taking good care of myself and the house, boys, and dogs. I'm open to meeting him where he is, or in other words feel less bound to old toxic dynamics between us and feel more capable of handling what used to be hurtful, but he seems reluctant to interact with me much. (Let me try that again: I mean that I feel like I hit a giant reset button and I don't resent him for what happened). I'm pretty sure we'll end up divorced but I no longer think of him as being the big meanie who did it.
More than you asked, but it was time for an update.
I'm often reading you here too, and following along, sending good thoughts. Thanks for popping my thread up to P1!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
