Acceptance...

[kml]

Yes, high road, and if they want to bring up your ex, say you would prefer not to discuss him.

[BeginningAgain]

Betsey is spot on with this advice! A long long time ago I used to get all worked up over what people said or thought about me. I finally learned the hard way that one I couldn't stop people's ignorance from happening and the people that I really cared about and who really new me didn't buy into what was being said anyhow. So once I got that monkey off my back I was a much more relaxed and happy camper.

Avoid the X talk at all costs and guide the conversation towards what you are doing now in your life and what they are doing in theirs.

BA

[Live4myDay]

So I've been sitting back reading reading reading everyone else, but I'm still stuck and treading water. I backed off writing on here I guess fear has gripped me again.
I just crossed my 3 year anniversary. Better this year. Actually all of it is better emotionally.

I had to drop back my work hours from 3 days a week down to 1 full day. Not a big deal but I'm missing the extra money. I'm still just as busy with my D and her daily routine just doing more to make her independent. Just got her learners permit to drive! yeah! She is very independent just a lot of little things that add up especially living together. She can't afford help with these tasks. Maybe someday.

So her life is going very well. She lost almost 30 lbs from last year! Very hard to do as a quadrapalegic. Very proud of her. Me on the other hand have gained probably 30 lbs. Started serious diet and gained from it! Argh! Making adjustments and setting different goals for April...baby steps.

I started a creative workshop. I am an artist and haven't done anything creative in years. It follows the Artist Way book and has been very helpful with tearing down the blockage. I do a lot of affirmations and daily morning pages.

I also decided to get my motorcycle endorsement. I have always wanted to ride. I would point out woman riders to my D all the time and say look at that. Now a days it's not a big thing. Its a 3 day class. Took day one then my grandmother passed away and had to leave for Ohio the next day. So now I'm on stand by to get into another class. Which by the way has changed from a 5 hour class to 8 and this makes it even harder for me to get into since I need to make arrangements for my D. Not sure if this is a challenge for me or a sign to stop and not to proceed any further.

I had to drop out of my Dragon Boat Racing Club as I had to make a decision to become a full member. I was in the process of looking for a place to move within the last 3 months, but that has fallen through so now I should start up the membership again. I really enjoyed getting out on the water.

Dating? Well not really. Had a few encounters with match.com and am now on BON and that's just really not my thing. I don't know since I've gained weight I don't feel very confident anymore.

So YES. I'm doing the GAL, the PMA, the move on. Then why is it I don't know how to handle dealing with the X. I'd rather think of him as dead. I;m a widower than to deal with X and this whole other dynamic of family.

How do I handle this? Meeting the OW...who doesn't think shes the OW that she's come along and saved him.

My son is graduating in May from college and X wants to bring OW of which he's been dating since the D...it was sooner but didn't reveal her to anyone. The families are divided. However, my in-law family has shown another side now especailly since my grandmothers funeral that I had to go home for and embraced me. My family wants nothing to do with X.

X has had OW in the circle now with his family and our friends. Seem to embrace her and his new life. Kills me how even the kids accept it. why am I fighting it? I have it sooo much better being single! Its it jealousy? Not so much with other woman...never been really the jealous type but I am jealous she gets to share the dream job he has now after he and I struggled so long and he when he finally makes it big he's outta here. things they do together that we should be doing as empty nesters...well for him it is... I still have my D to care for which he sees twice a year.

He's a coward. I realize that. Yet recently we had to communicate via email regarding spousal support and he said he's finally come to being ok with it all and is happy and resolved in all that happenend...seriously? Made me mad to think he's ok with everything that he made the right decision. Argh? Can't do anything about that. I still want to punish him everytime.

Anyway, I am trying to be ME again. The person I have always been that he feel in love with. I'm moving on. I'm letting go. I am the person only a FOOL would leave.

Just nervous about seeing him again and meeting OW. Oh and they were in Florida for holidays and when they dropped my D off at home my D made her stay at the park while her dad dropped her off. OW said I don't understand she might as well just meet me now and get if over with. Were just going to have to meet at the graduation. Argh! She doesn't have a clue what he's done...

[Live4myDay]

Well feeling a little justified. Not long after I posted this, a mutual friend of ours (through his side not mine) facechatted me. He said "word on the street is than I am way hotter now" Had to laugh at that one. Replied by saying that it;s only because I now live 1000 miles away. But we talked and he said "No i hear it from his friends
Smile and be happy thats the truth"

Told him the X is living the dream... dream job dream life dream girlfriend. Then he told me "He blew it kid. He aint got you. I havent seen him in years but he lost trust me."

We chatted about families and kids then we ended it with "Good johnny mac and i loved your 1st wedding and we would love your second lol"

My reply: Haha Johnny (a tragic divorced great mutual friend of ours) gives me hope...someday I will remarry... prenuptual of course. I am meant to be with someone took him a long time too (he remarried about 3 years ago after being divorced for 12 years)

He replied: "Yep i agree your a special girl and we all pull for you."

That just about made my YEAR! Coming from a credible source. I have to wonder how my name came up. Anyway it really made me feel good about all the hard work I am doing on myself to maintain my integrity with my decision to be here for my D and all the work I'm doing on myself.

[Live4myDay]

Well just talked to my sister. She's having a get together for my son and our side of the family the Sunday after his graduation. My D told my X what I was planning and that the X can celebrate with the kids right after the graduation.

I asked sister how she felt about splitting up the 2 sides and she said it was best. It's funny now because we all got along so well when we did get together with everyone. I would be ok with everyone there...except the X!! But I guess that would be a little rude. LOL.

Also, there are only 4 invites per student. Of course it would be me, D, son's girlfriend, and X. That leaves OW out in the hallway. Curious if she will even attend.

I just want to tell him that its a family event and that it would be best if she didn't attend. My S doesn't want her there. Says it will only cause drama between me and his dad. Problem is...will he tell his dad that? Why are my kids so polite to him? It's like they don't want to hurt his feelings.

Anyway, feeling more and more confident with myself. Had a bit of a beating last nite with my parents and an old girlfriend who came for dinner. They mean well and want me to move on...just sometimes the beatings of "you've got to move on" and "Look at the awful side of him" get to me.

In my own time and way I'm moving on. I refuse to downgrade our marital relationship to what an awful person he was, etc. to help me crawl out. This was a good marriage for the most part and I don't want to think of it as a reflection of how awful it "really" was. I did like it and love him. I want my kids to know that and remember that.

But woke up and let it all roll off my back. Starting another new day and being grateful for it.

[figgeroni]

I don't think your son telling his dad that having the OW there would only cause drama between you and dad would be, in any way, beneficial for him to hear.

I don't think that that puts you in a good light at all...

why would there need to be drama?

the best thing would be to be able to be gracious for your son's sake. It is his day...his graduation...and he shouldn't have to worry about drama between his parents

[Live4myDay]

Well, X met OW before separation at his new job...we had about 6 month rough times especially with D and accident and moving and sooo many changes..then he said it was over. Gave me the BD... IDLYAM not happy...etc. I did everything that DB says NOT to do. He was seeing her at this point BUT didn't tell anyone until about 3 months after divorce was final which took about 7 months after I got the papers of which I kept kicking and screaming to try and he just ended it. I just got booted out of his life. He's been seeing her ever since. A long distance relationship they live 1000 mile apart yet see each other every weekend and meet up at different locations for work...I feel my story is not very typical with so many twist and turns. Like everyone else but just sooo twisted!

Anyway, I'm not a drama queen just very hurt and having a hard time getting over it. My son just knows how the X and I interact with each other. He's mad at me and pointing fingers at me for it all and I'd try to make him pay for what he's done to our family every chance I got. Didn't realize I did this but I don't anymore. Not in front of them...just in the past via text/email. In the beginning of process X was very mean to me. When OW entered the picture it all fell into place. I don't hate her or blame her. I just know she only knows his side of the story and has no idea how I tried to save this marriage.

I will be very cordial and nice as I am with the whole in-law family. I realize it's my S special occasion and there may be more in the future, such as weddings etc. But it was S request told to me.

My X was very angry at me and still blames me for things that happened that year. I think he is in LaLa Land with all the responisibilities of our D. Like it or not I don't think he has dealt with it and ran away and hid in his new job. Which I have been utterly grateful and have commended him and told him how proud I have been.

Anyway, this will all be new to me. I don't understand how to DB or to just drop the rope. My heart says DB but my brain says I'm a fool and kick his ass out of my life for good! I know I could never have another relationship with him after all that has transpired...just how to move forward with as little pain as possible.

I have tried to be friends and start a "new" relationship with him, but he still sees me as the victimized wife that stole all his hard earned money with spousal support. HE doesn't want to be my friend and has put up barriers. HE is the one who wanted out yet acts as if he had it so bad that he had to get out. The best thing he's ever done should have done it sooner. Why do they do that? It was never THAT bad. It wasn't perfect. I wasn't perfect. But I was dedicated to my marriage and loved him. I know not enough.

Ok so back to reality! I treat him with love...any text, because that is how we communicate, which is rare (NC) but in cases where we have to interact I always tell myself "show love not hatred" I never call him names or attack or whatever nasty that goes on. He hates it and he is the one who calls me names and still points fingers at me. I am always sure to end my text with praying for him and for him to find God again. He used to be so grounded in morals and integrity. Now he says I sound like a Jesus freak...really to be so Christian and say that!

He is not the person or father he was 3 years ago. His ego is out of control. Not for me round it up...OW can do that. It's so hard to believe this is the same man. Its like Jeckyl and Hyde.

I think about what I might say to OW when I meet her. I've thought about sending her a text or letter as a sort of break the ice. Ridiculous I know. In my mind it will be all casual hello's and then walk away from each other. Although OW doens't even sound nervous to meet me. X must have made me out to be a monster! But seriously I'm sure I have come up in several conversations with her girlfriends. I know in my circle under same circumstances the XW would be scrutinized.

Am I just going crazy over this or is this something that all us LBS go through?

[kat727]

It has been 3 years if I am reading your time line correctly and it appears that you haven't moved very far from when the bomb was dropped. Ok, the first thing you really need to do is to take the spotlight ff of them and put it on you. Focus on creating your life the way you want it. Do things that perhaps you enjoyed but he perhaps didn't.

Think of your ex as the mailman. Be cordial. Any conversations should only be about the kids. Keep those short and to the point. It is not your job anymore to help guide his moral compass. Those are his things to deal with. You focus on you.

I hope you can move forward.
kat

[Live4myDay]

Thanks for the replies. I never looked at my prayers as a way of telling him he is wrong. And you're right...he doesn't care. He has justified his life and his decision.

Gabby, Everything you went through and said was pretty spot on for me. I've read your posts and follow a lot of your advice to others. What is wrong with me? It's like I'd rather get a slap in the face than nothing at all.

I was torn and even called the coaches here on circumstances. I have no hope at all...and I still can't drop the rope. Can't imagine him ever coming back into my life at this point. BUT, I have done the GAL, PMA, and worked on ME! He has no clue of any of it... not that I did it for him. I am in a much better place.

I'm going full strong on this weight loss and physical fitness thing until I have to go back home for S graduation. I know if I am in a better place with myself in that regard I will be much more confident. OW lives a much healthier lifestyle (no kids/great job$$). Again, it doesn't matter but I will be a little more secure in my own skin.

I keep thinking about X as the postman! Hahaha I have also done some hypnosis and one of the things is making their faces out to be comical...I imagine the cocky rooster from the old cartoons! Eww but it works for me. Now I just have to get the OW off the pedastool that I put her on like a trophy he put on the mantle. She is NOT me...I have always pride myself on my humbleness and have been blessed with my looks (not bragging). X told me I used my looks to get my way...seriously at the end he threw so much crap at me. But the OW isn't much maybe a couple size smaller than me but hey I had 2 amazing children and raised them. Proud of that! She can brag about her pilates and tofu guru exercises and all her travels all over the world. Ping a little bit of jealousy there I guess. BUT she doesn't have he amazing children my X and I have. And I enjoy my D everyday.

Ok enough about that! Any other advice about the graduation...sitting at the ceremony and such. Do I just be yes /no and ignore otherwise... or do I act like nothings changed that look what a wonderful family we have...I have a very hard time not being sarcastic (my version of letting my anger out)

This is what gives me anxiety. This new dynamic with him. My heart and brain are on two different wavelengths.

[kat727]

You shouldn't waste time trying to figure them out. You and your ex are over. He isn't coming home and after what he has put you through why on earth would you want him???

Again you are cordial period. The changes that you make are for you , not to show him anything. The graduation will only be a big deal if you make it so. This day is all about your son, the focus should be on him. If you do that I am sure the day will come off as one your son will be glad to remember.

You can do this.

kat