Becoming Comfortably Numb...Hopefully!

[beatrice]

Portia - if you really wanted to contact someone you would find a way.

Have you changed your email address and phone number? Have you moved house? They are hard to shake off I tell you. I changed my email and moved, and he still tracked me down!! I gave up. In the electronic age our mobile phone is not the only way of reaching someone!! There is even snail mail. Trust me on that one. My xh doesn't want me but he certainly knows how to stay in touch. I honestly think if I were in an FBI witness protection programme that man would find a way. Not for frequent contact, but almost as if it is a power game. It used to frighten me, but not now.

[LoisB]

Portia,

I'm glad you AND your DAD are doing well!

I'm gathering strength as I read your posts. I like what you have to stay about this NOT being a competition. If you stop playing the game, there's no competition. I needed to hear this today.

The OWs, I believe, see this as a competition. I'm done competing. I will simply be the best person I can be. Not for H or his OW, FOR ME.

Thank you for your wisdom and strength.

Much Love,

Heather

[Portia]

Heather, thank you for the compliment. I consider you a strong woman despite the tremendously tough circumstances you are in. I am so pleased you gathered some strength from me. I have certainly needed to gather strength from the people here.

I am still trying to learn my lessons from this journey. For me, I had a little too much need for independence. The tendency to take care of others and be the "strong" person was my role and still is. But I have always wondered who was going to rescue me. I thought xSO would but I was wrong. I am trying to work on being a more open person but I have found that the people who have known me the longest don't want that from me. They want their rock.

Sometimes, I feel very alone.

Bea, when I asked about reconnecting, I was asking less about the physical means than (in my situation) are these texts that he is sending the beginning of attempting to reconnect or are the texts just volleys to see if I answer?

I have placed myself in some sort of strange limbo. I have not continued the text conversations past a reply or two and I have not initiated in a very long time. I have gotten used to the idea that we as a couple are done. But I cannot seem to cut that last tie. To sever contact either by not answering or texting back to buzz off.

I guess I was wondering whether or not I should keep the texts going a bit longer. But I don't want to do that if he is playing me. Because I no longer trust his motives, I am having a difficult time telling. And I am still so MAD at him.

This "do nothing" works for me. Which BTW was a good lesson to learn for me, a former Ms. Fix-it.

[ForeverYoung]

I have placed myself in some sort of strange limbo. I have not continued the text conversations past a reply or two and I have not initiated in a very long time. I have gotten used to the idea that we as a couple are done. But I cannot seem to cut that last tie. To sever contact either by not answering or texting back to buzz off.

You know I'm all about connection, and reaching out to build that until I'm done. Are you done? It doesn't sound like you are to me.

What do you suppose would happen if you asked him to meet up with you?

It's not like you've been chasing him, so I certainly wouldn't worry about that silly game.

In my mind you guys would either meet up, or it would make it a lot easier for you to cut that tie.

At the very least, it would help to get you out of your "strange limbo"... if you're ready for that.

[BrightFuture]

Portia, you can be a more open person and still be a rock. I had to learn that too. I’ve been learning to express my feelings more and don’t judge people. I avoid complaining and wining like I did before. People around me still think I’m a strong person, but more approachable and open.

Why do you think he is playing you? He probably doesn’t know himself what he wants. You are still mad at him. I think this is the key. I’m on in the same boat right now. I’m just trying to remember how I was reacting to my first xH after I was completely over that R. There was no cell phones back then, so no texting. The communication was either over the phone or in person. I think that at some point I just stopped asking these questions “what did he want” or “why he was doing such and such”. It became just a routine to answer or not answer, if I didn’t feel like it. I guess I’m not there yet with my H right now. Neither are you. Give it some time. Like job keeps saying, the answers will come to you sooner or later.

So, I guess “do nothing” is good for now.

[Notlikingthis]

Portia,

I'm turning into a pumpkin as I write this but I wanted to let you know that I agree with FY. You knew that, didn't you. Staying connected is important. It doesn't have to be in daily texts or conversations. It can be a once a month text with just pleasantries.

If you want to know why he keeps poking you with a text every now and then maybe change the conversation from cars to whatever else might interest him. If he runs away then he runs away. If he engages then you'll know it isn't just the car thing that he's interested in. Yeah, it's a game but if you're detached and could care less how he responds then give something different a try. Just my sleep deprived $.02.

I'm much like you in that I'm very independent and reserved. I share very little with people that I don't know. It's been difficult on this forum because I'm not use to talking about my personal life, feelings with people that I don't know well. It's different here though. We're all trying to make sense of something that doesn't! We are faceless and nameless unless we choose to disclose our identity offline. It's safe and in my opinion it's a healthy place to work through some pretty traumatic feelings.

My h also called me his rock and says that I think more like a man than a woman. Gee, thanks, I don't feel that testosterone surging through my body! LOL We are who we are and we don't need to apologize or be something different unless we want to be.

Being a rock attracts a certain type of person to us. Being needy attracts a totally different type of person. If we don't like being "leaned on" because we are so steady and strong and would prefer to attract people that are less needy then we could change our behavior. I'm not sure how comfortable that we'd be but it could be done. What we have to think about is exactly what you said. Who is going to rescue me? We can't be strong and steady all of the time. We are human and at times have to allow someone to take care of us! Scary thought, huh? LOL

Take care Portia. Job and the others are right when they say do nothing if you're not sure what to do.

[beatrice]

I agree with NLT on what our behaviours attract. Other posters have noticed that their old friends do not necessarily appreciate teh changes in the person. While the changes are positive for us, they may not be comfortable for those around us. I too was a rock, but depended on my xh. Incidentally I have made many new friends in the last few years, and I now know who my true friends among the old ones are. Which is a blessing in itself.

Now about reconnecting. And bear in mind that my xh is still very much in MLC. Snodderly wrote an extremely good thread a long time ago on reconnection (google Tmak and reconnection and it will pop up, if you haven't read it already)

I suspect that your SO is doing what are called 'touch and goes' He is probably still in MLC but wants to see that you are still there. There are two reasons why I suspect it is 'touch and go' The first is that MLC takes a long time to work through, as a rule, and I have been around long enough, and had personal experience of them saying they want to return, and actually not being ready. As Snodderly says, if they run again the pain is just as bad.

The second reason is my personal feeling that when they are'done' we will know. A truly reformed alcoholic as opposed to a dry drunk, actually goes around trying to make amends. Some of these MLCers are dry drunks, and they function, but they haven't dealt with their issues. We deserve better. Although I do not like divorce, or think it a good solution to anything, neither is a relationship with a person who has serous unresolved issues they refuse to deal with. We have had to take a long hard look at ourselves - and we aren't perfect but we are grown up and behave well towards others. MLCers do not behave well towards other people except as a byproduct, as they are essentially narcissistic when in MLC. Life is all about them. They will be charming when they want something and not at all nice when thwarted. Like a grown up toddler!!

I would do what another very good poster here many years ago advised, and keep the door open. Be pleasant when he contacts you, reply, but do not initiate the exchanges or prolong them.

MLCers have a hard time letting go, despite all they say.

So the texts may be very early signs of reconnection or a desire to remain somewhat connected. If you still have feelings then by all means keep the door open. There is not need to do violence to your feelings here, but whatever you do - don't pursue. I know you own't, but it is always worth saying!!

So get on with your life, go on growing and changing, - the door will either open wider or gradually close more and more. No need to slam it shut unless you really want to (as opposed to feelings understandably p*ssed at him)

[RosaLinda]

Bea thank you for this extremely introspective post. I'm sure it will be a great help and comfort to NLT and Portia in their similar sitches. And it's very helpful to me although my H still lives at home. Especially the analogy to a dry drunk, the toddler like behavior, the long time line. It's slso appropriate for the stay-at-home MLCer.

Thanks my friend!

[RosaLinda]

Portia how are you doing? I'm sorry that you feel so alone, and wish there was something I could do to help you. I already think you have grown into a rock, in the six months or so I've known you. I can see great changes in you.

Do you think it would help you if you could definitely learn whether there is a GF in the picture or not? Isn't there some way to find out?

I hope your dad is getting a little stronger (and less cranky) each day, and that you are having a nice weekend!

[Melting]

Hi Portia,
I haven't been around the boards for a few months, busy with life. But popped in for an update and to catch up with folks. You are such a strong woman and I'm so happy to see your positive momentum.

Hugs to you.