Listen to the advice on this forum, It is the best you will get. The hardest thing that you have to do now is to follow it.
Read it, re-read it and re-read it again. It is so frighteningly logical and yet so easy to dismiss because you are not in a logical place right now - your emotional brain is in control which is not good when you're about to embark on such an important journey. A journey that we've all been on before you so we know the best way to get where you're wanting to go.
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
Text is the only communication as we are 40 miles apart now & just 2 phone calls both instigated by WAW.
Well just had 4 days silence & then WAW texted numerous times today & I just replied courteously , very strange though she texted me a picture of her! Thats a first. she also criticised me for waiting for not contacting her! I just replied that I was giving her the space that she requested weeks ago. On & On!!
Me 50 W 46 Stepson 16 Together 6yr, Married 3yr Known each other 20yr ILYBNILWY Jul 13 Found out about affair Jul 13 Left Marital home Jul 13
No contact for 3 days.....this is so painful!!! It was easire to argue by text, at least I know i was on WAS mind!
Trust me TB1, you are still very much on her mind.
Your situation didn't happen overnight so please don't expect it to be resolved overnight. You've got to be prepared for the long-haul!
Regardless of outcome ( positive we all hope ) following the advice given here will ensure you come out the other end a better, stronger person.
If you haven't done so already today, re-read Sandi2 golden rules. Makes perfect sense and will keep things in perspective.
Do the same tomorrow, and the next day, and the next........
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
Not a lot to report, I'm having a holiday & WAS has been txting me about 10 times a day with `hows it going' `hope you have a good day' txts all of which I reply to courteously with the same type of message. I did send one txt stating that all this txting was a bad idea & maybe she should only contact me if she was considering taking me back to which she replied `well you are still trying to control me & giving her no choice'! I dropped the subject then & just reply as & when she sends me a message, I think this could go on for many many months! She was very down last week but I dont know why, dont know if affair is ongoing but she spent last weekend alone. I get my own house back next week at last, we'll see what happens.
Me 50 W 46 Stepson 16 Together 6yr, Married 3yr Known each other 20yr ILYBNILWY Jul 13 Found out about affair Jul 13 Left Marital home Jul 13
I think we can safely say you're still well and truly in her thoughts.
She sounds quite messed up right now. If she weren't she wouldn't be texting you so often with such mundane messages.
My advice is be selective with which messages you reply to. Only respond to ones that are really necessary - eg family, house etc. At the moment you are doing what SHE wants and SHE is in control. You need to take that control off her and respond only when it suits YOU and don't mention her taking you back again anytime soon. PRESSURE, PRESSURE, PRESSURE!!
Well done in being courteous in your replies, but you didn't say how you dealt with the 'you are still trying to control me' comment. Hopefully you validated that statement, SO IMPORTANT!! because although she will have meant every word of it, your validation would have totally taken the sting out of it without it degenerating into a pointless argument.
This whole process, whether you realise it yet or not, is total psychology and nothing else. Recognise that fact and you will come out of this a far wiser person.
FF999
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
I didn't really validate fully, but did refer to the fault lying with me. WAS has txted to ask `if it would'nt be too cheeky would I pick her up some duty free perfume on way back from my holiday'!! I will do, of course, but probably post it to her on my return rather than manufacture a reason to see her, that is her move I think. DB & DR have been delivered so plenty to read on my return. I do think she is pretty messed up, many texts are asking `why did I ignore her', `why did I forget to show her love' etc etc
The sage continues!
Me 50 W 46 Stepson 16 Together 6yr, Married 3yr Known each other 20yr ILYBNILWY Jul 13 Found out about affair Jul 13 Left Marital home Jul 13
Well total silence this weekend, WAW affair is obviously still going strong. I offered to post the perfume but she said she would prefer me to take it to her in person on next week when she is home (I havent seen her in person for 8 weeks), I find it more & more difficult to understand her actions. At least she will be able to see the new slim me & I'll make sure I am smiling & I will not instigate relationship conversation. As always I'm probably reading too much into the situation.
Me 50 W 46 Stepson 16 Together 6yr, Married 3yr Known each other 20yr ILYBNILWY Jul 13 Found out about affair Jul 13 Left Marital home Jul 13
Correct, you are reading too much into the situation. One of the golden rules of DBing is to believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see ( Sandi2 rule No.32 ). This new guy is a stop-gap, quick fix for a broken heart, nothing more.
The important thing for you is you. You need to start working on yourself. GAL!!! Nothing will be more attractive to your wife than a calm, confident, sorted guy. You need to be that man.
If you do decide to deliver in person, keep it brief and you make the decision when to leave. Definitely no relationship talk unless she instigates it and if so remember to validate.
Would be nice if some of the vets stopped by sometime soon. I'm more of a reader than a writer on here and my sitch has run it's course so I'm out of the loop somewhat. ( And still on moderation after more than 2 years!! Surely some kind of record )
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
Met wife this morning (she wanted me to deliver some duty free perfume that she had asked me to buy while on holiday)& had a 45 minute chat. First face to face for many weeks.
Throughout the chat she was tearful & upset & continued to mention how I didn’t listen, she also mentioned she had another short affair last year!! I spoke quietly, calmly & Validated…Validated & Validated.
She confirmed she is still with OM & how they have not had an argument & life is better & calmer for her & she is hoping he will move to the area but not sure. She also said he has issues too! She then went on to say how her S16 has been an absolute problem since we split up & is not dealing with it well, again I validated over & over again.
It was lovely to see her but I don’t see any change in the short to medium term, she seems very messed up & said she was the catalyst for it all to which I stated it was mainly me & my MLC that drove her away. She also kept saying I’ll find someone else.
Then after I’d left she sent a text saying I was looking great, much fitter & less stressed, so I think it was really a good idea to see her.
A feel good day but probably me reading too much into situation as usual.
At least she noticed I was looking good!
Me 50 W 46 Stepson 16 Together 6yr, Married 3yr Known each other 20yr ILYBNILWY Jul 13 Found out about affair Jul 13 Left Marital home Jul 13
You're doing very well. The way you dealt with the visit sounds perfect and your wife's actions / reactions were textbook.
Haven't said whether you're reading the DB & DR books yet. You should do. The information given will be pretty much the same as the advice you get here.
You do need to accept that this may well be a long process and as I've said it's very much about you working on yourself. You need to be the best person you can be ( for all the right reasons ) to give you the best chance of a) reconciling with your wife & b) staying reconciled.
FF999
ps off to the Canaries tomorrow so will be off-line for a week. Funnily enough will be meeting my ex W over there with ex MIL and ex SIL's. Only ex W knows i'm going so reaction of the others will be fun to watch.
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
) following the advice given here will ensure you come out the other end a better, stronger person.