New to this forum but learning a lot from reading the posts. On 7/24 w announced she was leaving as she no longer loved me and and maybe never did after 17 years of marriage. We have two sons, 13 and 15.She went out that Friday night with some co workers and I happened to see her phone the next day to see some texts from one of her coworkers ( male) asking if she made it home ok and if she wanted to go out that night. She replied yes but maybe less alcohol. After seeing the text I then scanned our phone bill online to discover they had been texting very heavily at all hours of the night and throughout the day. I confronted her and initially she said it was all work related, well a number of these texts were sent after 11pm at night some after midnight. I then counted the number of texts and was shocked when I found almost 3000 texts between the two of them in less than a month. I thought we texted a lot but there were only 400 between w and I.
After another confrontation she admitted that it was in appropriate and then she would stop it. She went on to say that it was "nothing" and not physical.
Well, since I am always the fixit guy I found her a furnished condo and she moved out the following week. ( maybe that was stupid on my part but I wanted her to see I was trying to give her the space she wanted.
Our sons are mostly staying with me for the time being although she sees them daily. Her mind seems fully made up that there is not hope of R.
The day after she announced the separation I went to a counselor. I asked for a list from her of what bothered her the most with my behavior and started to work on the issues.
# 1 was my health. She felt I had let myself go and I had. I immediately started a diet and have lost 30 pounds in a month. I went and had a physical, and attended a sleep center. Counselor thought I was depressed so Dr prescribed anti depressant. Started a fitness program, and went to work on the relationship with my kids. I will say the anti depressant seems to work and I am felling better these days.
Attempting to do 180's but its been hard to cut off communication with W.
Here are the other issues on her top 10 list
I lay guilt on people without realizing it I don’t set a good example for my children I focus on the negative, even when I proclaim a positive she still hears a negative I talk down to her in public or make fun crossing the line I drive and use mu phone all the time. SHE HATEs this We don’t resolve problems , we ignore them until they fade away temporarily , then they come back I am irrational about dumb things and anger easily I do everything for neighbors and clients and nothing for her except a paycheck I always try to solve problems even when not asked. ( i.e. when she comes home to talk about her job
So, I am working like crazy to turn things around. After going thru two counselors I didnt mesh with I found one who is a DB counselor and seems to be a good fit.
A few questions: Do I make her pay her own rent ? ( I paid the first month) Do I push for separate financials ?
I asked if she would see counselor, first one told her there was no reason to see one as we seem to be able to communicate. ( about divorce) I asked her to see the new one and she said yes but when I tried to set an appt she didn't respond. I dont want to push it for fear of turning her against me.
Sorry for the rambling message but needed to get it posted..
M53 W42 T18 M17 S13 S15 DBing 8/01 /13 W moved out 8/01/13 W wears ring W said she wants D 7/24/13
Sorry you find yourself here,.but you are in a good place on this forum. Many will be here shortly to start helping you.nw
Firstly, have you read DR or DB? If not, tead one asap. I recommend DR.
Unfortunately I think agreeing to 'space' was orobably the wrong thing to do since you have now given her the freedom to see this other man. You have also stated and shown to her that you will do anything to fix it. Including taking her back after she is bored of her new life.
Dont worry too much about this right now. It is already done. Sont ask her or beg her to move back in. try not to say anything about your marriage or divorce until you have been here a while and got the advise needed from the pros here.
Post regularly so you can get off moderation quickly.
Relax, take care of yourself, and your health. This is the time to heal and focus on yourself and your kids.
You are very early in your situation which could take a long,time to resolve so settle in for the ride!
Take care, other posters who are more experienced than myself should be here soon.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Oh and DON'T PUSH FOR MARRIAGE COUNCILING! one session with the two of you could be the nail in the coffin for reasons that will become apparent to you as you learn more about this type if crisis.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Giving space can be good; depends on your situation. A vet will come by soon and give better advice than I can. For me giving lots of space in the beginning worked very well... Or seemed to. I have not repaired my marriage yet.
Good luck!!
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Thanks for the advice. Reading DR and instituting Sandis rules. Ordered DB So she rented a house but I am having to help with rent. We agreed on initial kid situation. Sun, Mon night with her remaining time with me. She also agreed to a family dinner at the house on Thursdays ( good sign?) She will see the kids almost every day thru their sports activities. We are very amicable , I am having a hard time detaching as I text here often. Working on my GAL, working out three times weekly, at same gym as W,( in fact she worked out with me yesterday)
M53 W42 T18 M17 S13 S15 DBing 8/01 /13 W moved out 8/01/13 W wears ring W said she wants D 7/24/13
Well, I posted once but guess I am still on moderation. W signed a one year lease yesterday. She seems happy to have finally found a place to call her own, ( been living for the past months in a furnished condo) We had a two hour conversation about where the kids will stay as school starts next week. Sunday Monday nights with her and the remainder with me at our house. She also agreed to a family dinner once a week at the house. ( that was a shock and good sign I hope) Since her number one complaint about me was my lack of concern for my health, I have joined the same gym that she works out in and this morning she coached me through some of the movements. ( another good sign?) She is repeatedly sharing other participants praise of my fitness regimen. ( good sign?) Lost 32 pounds since 7/24 Yea, 40 more to go.
Still trying hard to detach although I constantly want to share thoughts with her via text. Hard to go from being someone's best friend in life for 17 years to nothing..
