Thanks for the feedback MyNewStrength and Pud! I keep telling myself not to let his words or actions get to me, but it's hard not to. I'm living with my parents right now and they basically know everything that is going on. They keep telling me to move on and get a lawyer because my H's actions are telling me he is moving on with his life. I know they are right in some aspect, that his actions are telling me that he is moving on and not moving back towards the marriage. Am I delusional to think there is still hope? I guess I am trying to gauge where my H is at. I know that he still loves me, he has told me so, but he also has proven with his actions that he is trying to move on.
I'm trying so hard to hold it together and live my life. I know I need to GAL more and not let his actions affect me as much. I feel like the separation is getting worse. We used to see eachother a lot more and he was so affectionate and loving, and told me he wasn't sure what he wanted but was leaning towards working on us. Now he seems to be moving in the opposite direction, and we are seeing eachother less and less.
Do I just keep my distance and go dark for a while? Leave him to figure things out while I move on with my life? Why is this so hard, I wish I could just shake my H out of this, part of me feels like he is depressed and going through a MLC of sorts.
I guess I don't understand how he could go from crying his eyes out, confessing how much he loves and misses me. Telling me that he doesn't think he would find anyone like me. To moving into his own place, not wanting anything from our life together in his new place? I really don't understand.
He was so distant to me yesterday, where before he was still very affectionate and sweet. I guess he was still nice to me, but I could tell he was trying to keep his distance. Part of me feels that he is feeling guilty and only helping me move and saying "I'll always love you" out of guilt. He wants an easy transition out so he is still being nice to me.
Don't try to mind-read too much. Someone told me during my first trip through here "Don't try to rationalize the irrational".
That's exactly what LBS do, and it's why they're on roller-coasters; trying to interpret irrational behavior. I've stepped back for a mere 5 days, and my mind has become increasingly clear and more in control.
Also, my W told me less than 2 weeks ago that she loved me a lot, wanted to be married to me, had been fighting God. A few days ago, she hugged me, laughed/joked with me, talked about moving in together. Yesterday, she was like "I don't want to talk, I just want divorce, so see you in court".
I know it hurts, but its VERY common, so at least know you're not alone....
I can relate alot to your sitch... I was living with my parents during my H's BD.... they kept saying move on b/c he has...let him go... I keep telling them it's not that easy and that they can't relate as obviously they are still together. My mom thinks she can understand b/c of her High school relationships. I couldn't take living there with them any more, so I moved out a month ago.
Your H not taking any furniture, my H did the same. He moved and told me to keep everything as if he is doing me a favor; no it's not a favor, that leaves ME with all the memories and you free to walk away, w/ no literal baggage. All of our stuff is in storage, I decided to leave it there and "start fresh" my self.
Even though my H is only 30 I think he's MLC as well and was very depressed IMO last time I saw him in July.
I also get confused on if I should still have hope or not. I do have hope, but I've decided not to tell any one, especially not H. I am GALing as much as possible, I've moved to a new city and to H it probably looks like I am moving on as he is. I have no idea if that is good or bad, but all I can do is continue to live my life and hope for the best.
Only you know if you should keep hope or not, do what's best for you. But while you're hoping, what are your 180's to make your self better as a person? Which of those 180s also relate to issues your H brought up concerning your marriage? You sitch is still in it's early stages. Give him time and space.... but be smart about the space, it's a delicate balance and everyone's relationship is unique. So apply the DB rules as necessary, not all may fit your sitch so choose wisely. Do you know your H's love languages? GAL and prepare your self for being the best your regardless of how things end up.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Part of me feels that he is feeling guilty and only helping me move and saying "I'll always love you" out of guilt. He wants an easy transition out so he is still being nice to me.
I get this feeling too with my H. He has been VERY nice to me since coming home to BD in July. He says we'll "always be family", "call me if you need anything" I too think it's guilt, he thinks if he leaves "nicely", gives the "it's not you it's me" speech, I will be okay and will move on with not problems and his mind will be at ease. *sigh*
Sometimes I think doing DB allows the WAS to get away too easy, smh.
But I also know, I'd rather him see me strong and gain respect for me through my behavior, instead of my "acting crazy" because he abandoned me.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Hi Mimi, thanks fo replying to my thread. I see a lot of similarities between our sitch's as well. Considering our ages, we have no kids, and been with our husbands for a long time, and married for 4 years. It looks like the 3-4 year mark is common for people to get separated/divorced because of this stage in marriage where reality hits and one spouse wants out. I think the no kids thing doesn't help us either because they are not connected to us in that way.
I appreciate your feedback, are you going through the hot/cold phase as well? Where one minute they are wanting to work on things and the next they are bailing again?
I wonder if the best way to handle when they come close is not to get too excited, I think I scared my H off by asking if he wanted to try again to soon?
Thanks JonF for replying! I keep trying to mind read and you're right I only driving myself crazy! When you step back do you notice her coming closer? What do you say when she says she wants to move in together? I wonder if we are too enthusiastic when they tell us they want to work on things. Maybe we need to keep our cool more and not scare them off again? Just a thought.
I wonder what makes them finally come to a decision about the marriage? If they are constantly going back and forth, what can we do?
Sometimes I am so confused as to what to do. I feel like I need to be open and welcoming when he is being affectionate. But then I feel like I don't want to be a doormat either and he can come and go as he pleases. What's the right balance?
I have a question, when MWD says act as if, does that mean as if your marriage is over, or that you will eventually work things out (with the PMA)? I guess I'm a little confused on this part.
So I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy! I had a wedding over the weekend and then I had a business trip to Chicago. I think I had a revelation when I was at the wedding having fun and letting go. It was out of town so my sister and I stayed the whole weekend. When I saw the groom cry when he saw my friend walk down the isle I thought to myself I couldn't remember the last time I felt that way with my husband. My friend's husband worships her and would do anything for her, I can't remember if I ever felt cherished by my husband. My H has been selfish in our marriage, most of the time thinking of himself and his needs. I want to feel cherished and treasured in my R, is that too much to ask for? Even my DB coach thinks my H is immature and selfish. I don't know if I can wait for him to grow up. I want a love that my friend has. Am I wrong to feel this way? Maybe I am just getting stronger and realizing certain things now that I want in a relationship. My H is the only person I've ever been with since I was 18, so I really don't know anything else. Am I wrong to want more out of my R? Am I turning a corner in this process?
I am still in a great deal of pain and don't think I am ready to move on, because I don't feel like I've completely let go yet. But with each day I am getting stronger. There was also a guy at the wedding that I danced with and flirted with me which gave me some confidence to feel stronger. But I am NOT ready to date yet. I have a great deal more healing to do before that happens! But I did like him and was attracted to him. I am feeling very confused, wanting to move on with my life and wanting my H to come back. But I also realize I wouldn't take him back as he is now. I would need to see a great deal of change from him as well. I know I am growing and changing from this experience, but I'm not sure if he is.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm currently looking for a place to live because I want to get out of my parents house and feel it would be good for me to be on my own for a while.
Also, I forgot to mention I talked to my H last night because I texted him that we needed to separate our cellphone and insurance bills that I pay for. I need to save money to move out of my parent's house. So he called me and I basically told him everything that I wanted him to change and bothered me in the marriage over the years. Me not feeling like I was put first, him placing all his focus on his family, not spending time with me, etc. I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do, but I was tired of him putting most of the blame on me for the failure of the marriage. He apologized for many of the things, but also said he felt like a scape goat by me. He ended the call by saying he was really sad, that he missed me, and he loved me. I feel like he is manipulating me in some ways by saying those things, because now I somewhat feel guilty for letting him have it. Even though I said it in a confident, nice way.
