He called me today and I let it go to VM. He said that they are starting to wrok on the house so I need to get my stuff soon. I haven't been able to because of work and being out of town the past weekend. It's going to be hard to go back to an empty house to get my things. I am going to try and head out there after work tomorrow. I texted him back saying that I could possibly come out tomorrow or thurs and that I needed my big car (that he's been driving) to pack my stuff up. He said of course, and called me a nickname he always calls me.
Wish me luck for tomorrow! I'm going to be strong and not talk about R at all! I am going to be cool, calm, and collected!
I think you did great. We all backslide when learning new habits so don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like he was actually trying hard to listen to what you had to say. And on the same note it probably did scare him too. Everyone is afraid of the risk and pain.
I feel you are so lucky to have gotten to this spot - Pud is jealous!
I would let him absorb it and come to his own conclusions, that way you have set it out there and it's in his court now. Take it slow and don't try to find out what he thinks, let him come to you. I'm so proud of you!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Thanks so much Pud! I have to keep reminding myself that all of us make mistakes and we just need to learn from them and not do them again while DBing.
I do need to appreciate the positives that I've seen, and keep moving forward with improving myself and not to backslide again. But if I do, not to dwell on it so much like I can't come back from it.
I have noticed that he has kept his distance since Sat and that is a lesson that I need to remind myself not to mention R again.
I'm going to keep moving forward and not let this set me back! i am going to let him come to me next time!
So H called me this morning about organizing my things in one room for me to pick up. He thanked me again for listening to him last week when he was feeling really depressed. He said this whole move just really got to him and taken a lot out of him. He said he will always love me and still loves me no matter what even though he is not happy in the marriage right now.
I told him I understand why he has his doubts and that I got ahead of myself last week. I told him I want him to be happy and that I know he still has to process what he needs.
He said he would help me move out the rest of my stuff and not to stress about it because he realizes how busy I am. So I am supposed to go over there later today to pack up a load of stuff in my car.
Wish me luck! that's where I'm at right now, hopefully I handled myself much better on the phone today. I'm going to keep my PMA while I'm there today!
Thanks Pud, everyone is telling me I need to move on and stop letting my H make all the decisions. Just knowing i have everyone's support on here means so much to me. I know I need to be less available to him though.
I really appreciate the motivation to keep going, it gets so hard sometimes. Like today, I went over there to pick up my stuff. The house was completely empty besides my stuff. H was not there and told me he couldn't make it. My heart sank, I said you can't help me move my stuff? Then he said he would come over if I needed him, so I said yes please. I needed his help lifting the really heavy stuff.
I should have prepared myself for the backlash on Friday. H was very distant to me and not as affectionate as he has been. He even was talking about moving to his own place because of our dogs and he doesn't like living with his new roommate. He then went on to ask me if I would ever move back there with him after it was fixed up. I don't get it! I told him I don't know, maybe depending on the circumstances.
I ended up picking up some sandwiches for dinner, we ate and then I left. Completely different from the last time I saw him! I should have expected if, right? They run hot and cold? One minute they want to work things out, the next they are cold and distant. Is this normal considering where I'm at in my separation? I ended up crying the whole way home to my parents house.
I'm thinking I need to give him his space for now for a while and not contact him.
Also, is it common for WAS's to not want to bring anything that reminds them of you with them to their new place? The H bought a whole new room basically for his new place. He put all of our stuff in storage, like he's trying to get away from it.
Also, is it common for WAS's to not want to bring anything that reminds them of you with them to their new place? The H bought a whole new room basically for his new place. He put all of our stuff in storage, like he's trying to get away from it.
Just curious on other people's take on this?
Hope, yes, in my opinion because they don't want the reminders of the "pain" THEY left behind. The are looking for what they call "their fresh start" and anything of you (photos, furniture, etc.) poses a threat to them being able to move forward in the fog.
That is just my 2 cents.
OLD THREAD: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380569#Post2380569
Me: 44 Him: 51 Married: 9 years Together: 14 years
They do run hot and cold and make sense one minute and then do the complete opposite the next. They are struggling internally with what to do and how to make sense of it all.
You really can't base how you will proceed off of their emotions and reactions at this point. Don't measure your success with what he is saying or doing, just keep doing the right thing. Remember what your ultimate end goal is and align your actions with that goal.
Hang in there, we are here to support you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
