Me 10 months on. Positve agenda.

[hotwheelsaust]

Last post page: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2379828&#Post2379828

This is now positive time. Too much focus on negatives, I cannot survive if I continue to focus on the negatives. To survive I must be more positive, both externally (which has been most of the time) and internally (this is what I need to improve).

I am accepting more and more about the sitch now. Still not there, it might still be many more months for that to happen.

My original positives back a week ago:
based on what is happening at the time
* My W isn't contacting me for whatever reasons. I cannot change her.
* I married my W, not the family. So if the family don't want me in their life, it doesn't matter.
* If my friend cannot be bothered to talk to me about something that either annoys him or he feels wronged in some way, then he should have the "balls" to talk to me about it. Not simply defriend. Again that is his choice, I cannot change him.
* If my W wants to continue dealing with the solicitor for the splitting of assets, then I will continue to fight for what I can get. I will be fair, but I won't bend over and take it.
* I have to simply accept where I am in life, it's not great, but it could be a lot worse. Deal with it by being positive not negative.
* I have to stop being negative about things that are out of my control, actually even the ones in my control.
* The tattoo photo would not change my W's way of thinking. She knows the reason I got it (haven't spoken to her). But the tattoo would not be a deal breaker for the W, other things might be, but the tattoo wouldn't change her way of thinking. Who cares what the rest of the family think.

My own 180's:
* Continue my running
* Continue learning/playing the guitar
* Continue going to invited events
* Continue to shut up about the sitch to anyone. Remember Sandi's rules better
* Practice validating more often with family and friends, face to face and on the phone.
* No negative discussions about me or what is happening with me.
* I will not worry (and then try to reduce the worry) about events or issues I have no control over or most importantly, haven't happened yet.



I will start with this, but will probably add more when I get home.

[TryingToDo180]

HWA, thanks for the update about your sons We all make mistakes at the start of the separation, so no 2x4s from me
It's sad about your friend, but unfortunately it happens. I had a friend who blocked me on FB, stopped answering my texts or returning my calls and blanked me when I saw her. I've stopped pursuing her now, realising that you can't win them all and it's their loss
one of my 180s is to follow sandi's rules more closely. There's always a couple that I forget about, lol.
Best of luck HWA, you're doing really well

[AnotherStander]

HWA, I think you've grown a lot and I fully agree with you when you say now is the time to start focusing on positives rather than negatives. But I've got to say, your list of "original positives" sound mostly negative- your W doesn't contact you, the family doesn't want you in their lives, your friend dumped you, your W is trying to clean you out in the D, you have to accept where you are in life, you have to stop being negative, and of course the tattoo thing. That's a pretty depressing list of "positives" See if you can come up with a list of REAL positives- things that you look forward to, that energize you and make you excited. Your running and playing the guitar, those are probably a couple? What else? How about trying some new things that you've never done before? Throwing pottery, painting, flying a kite. Maybe some sports that get you out there and meeting people like soccer, softball, volleyball, etc. I think you're still falling short on GAL. GAL will take your mind off your sitch and refocus you on your life and the joy that you can experience in it

[TryingToDo180]

I agree AS I feel that you are talking to me as well. Once college starts, I will definitely have to find some more GALing to do!

[hotwheelsaust]

You are right AS they are not positives, but that is more probably the way I wrote more than anything. These are things that are needed to be accepted in my life, rather than being positives.
Some positives I do have:
* Two beautiful sons
* A healthy life
* A future
* People who still want me in their life
* Entering more running events (need to be back in the city for that)
* Actually playing some songs on the guitar rather than simple chords
* Getting back on and riding my motorbike. I love it. And then riding with the club.

That's a start for me, just woke up 5 mins ago.

[Fartiltre]

HWA,

I have followed you for a long time now and reading this....

This is now positive time.

…makes me wonder if some alien ate my Australian buddy!

You have grown so much over these last 6-8 weeks and it is a joy reading about how you handled principal, collogues, your own doubts and negative thoughts but you starting a new thread with total focus on you, without expectations and with the word positive in line one is almost too much for a simple European guy to comprehend!
To some extent I do agree with AS but perhaps I read these statements with a twist and the last line in almost every statement is about your doings towards the subject:

I cannot change her.
So if the family don't want me in their life, it doesn't matter.
Again that is his choice, I cannot change him.
I will be fair, but I won't bend over and take it.

I like reading this! Now go and live this!

Cows and sheeps! Sunsets and beers!

All the best!

F

[TryingToDo180]

lol that's good if you've just woken up It takes me longer than 5 mins to even get out of bed, let alone type something on the pc Good positives for a start I think my goals are going to be more PMA and more GALs as everyone seems to be doing more than me, lol.

[TryingToDo180]

F, love the phrase cows and sheeps! Sunsets and Beers! Especially the beers part, think I may have a lager shandy lol

[AnotherStander]

That's much better, well done Now keep adding to that list!

[AnotherStander]

Oops, looks like I lost the quote, that last was in response to your new "positives" list