BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

[BC39]

I believe my wife has been going through this internal struggle since dday 2 years ago and just did a good job at hiding it most of the time up until recently. And now that she's told me again she hasn't felt the same need to hide it, as she is quiet obviously struggling. Some sort of depression is apparent. She has even pushed her friends away lately. She has kind of been on and off with me. One minute she's very chatty and wants to engage, the next she's quiet and distant. She's giving extra attention to the kids lately-I think that's her temporary escape. I think she feels all alone.

I gave her hug before work this morning and she held me tight for a while. This is one of the few forms of affection we've had in 2 weeks.

[HopefulStill]

BC,
It is my understanding (and I've had first hand experience, as you know), that a WAW may not tell you what needs they need met, or want met, because they don't want YOU to meet them. My wife was the exact same way- couldn't articulate anything at all. Didn't know what was wrong, just knew she didn't "love" me, even though she "loved me" (huh?). She, too, was distancing herself from her friends and becoming closer to the kids (guilt, I think, over wanting to leave).

I asked my wife a billion different ways from Sunday if she was still hearing from, talking to, thinking about, etc. etc. etc. the OM only to be given an "absolutely not, it's NOT him, it's us (or it's me)" every time. Of course, that was a lie. That's why we were stalled for two years. She thought she was just keeping him in her life as a friend, so why should I know about it?

If your wife IS still talking to him, there is hope! She could quit, work on your M (willingly) and you could end up like me. If she ISN'T talking to him, or anyone else, there is hope! perhaps you could start meeting her needs more successfully, or she could come out of withdrawel from the previous A and open her heart to you.

Your M is not a lost cause, but you must know what it is you are up against.

-HS

[BC39]

Thanks HS,

For now let's assume she's not having an A. I really don't she think is, but if I've learned anything to this point anything is possible...

Saying that, what would your suggestion be for meeting her needs more successfully at this stage?

[HopefulStill]

BC,

Well, it's been a while, so let's start with what you think her top 5 needs are, and how you intentionally meet each one. Just list them out in the order that you think they are, from greatest need at #1 on down to #5. Try to include how long you feel you have successfully met that need.

Additionally, list at the bottom any habits you have which may be taking away love points from your wife (example: disrespectful judgements, guilt etc.).

Looking through your lists, maybe we can come up with some alternate ways to meet some of the needs, and perhaps determine what might be missing?

-HS

[BC39]

W broke down again on the weekend. She said she's going to call our doctor about getting psychotherapist for depression. Which is huge for her as she usually runs away from her feelings.

She said "she's in a very dark place. She feels all alone. Feels like taking the cowardly way out and moving away by herself".

I asked if she's ever given any thought this whole time her reason for her unhappiness has nothing to do with me. She said yes.

I asked her what her needs were. She has no idea.

She's been very up and down the last few days.

She really seemed fine for the last 6 months, I guess she did a good job of hiding it.

I REALLY hope the therapist can help her and gain some new perspective.