Me- LBS or WAS?

[littleGTO]

Link to my last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2368402&page=11

I'm going to give you all a quick synopsis of my sitch:

- 2 1/2 yrs again H's mom diagnosis w terminal ovarian cancer
- 2 yrs ago H started pulling away from me & started "going out w work friends regularly including OW"
- 1 3/4 yrs ago (at least) H has EA w OW
- 1 yr 8 months ago- #1 BD- ILYBNILWY speech & reveals love for OW

- 1 yr ago H mother dies
- 9 1/2 months ago H moves out
- 4 months ago- first time "D" word is mentioned
- 1 month ago- we agree to see a mediator

- 2 days ago- H confesses his depression & misses family but still in love w OW who is no longer comm w him
-1 day ago- H calls and apologizes for screwing up our whole lives and our kids' lives
- this morning: (I have to add the details here as this is NEW)

As H is picking up S14 & S9 for a 3-day trip and I am half-asleep on couch he comes over and sits next to me and says he has some thoughts he wants me to consider.

H- "What if I give my aptmt complex 2 months notice and if in 2 months things are going okay (meaning we are getting along okay/not fighting AND OW doesn't come back to him, I think) I could move back in to S14's room-- for the sake of the family and for our financials. I would only do this if I intended to stay and not move out again as this would be too traumatic for the boys."

No mention of him wanting to save our M. No mention of him wanting to be w me again. It was all about the sake of "saving our family." It was all about him wanting to be part of the boys' lives again. It was all about him being lonely and realizing that all there is in life is family.

My thoughts currently-
*I will NOT have him move back in UNLESS/ UNTIL OW is completely out of the picture. This means I would expect him to minimal ask to transfer to another building (currently the work next door to each other).
* I would expect him not to continue ANY kind of friendship with her.
*I would need his feelings for her to be over (grieving done).
*I would expect him to date me again and court me and START OVER.
*He would have to prove that I can trust him.
* He would have to prove that he loves me over and over and over.
* He would have to show 180s in areas that I don't want to live with any more-- constant complaining about family life and the children's activities dictating life.

I am in a much happier place now & to be honest while this is what I would have loved to have happened 6 months ago, right now it is making me very unhappy. I will not return to my former life!

And, I will not be option B- ever! And, to be honest, that's exactly what I am right now- OPTION B. Because OW dumped him or did not live up to promises she made him or whatever, but he did not decide to choose me over her. And, there's nothing to lead me to believe that he wouldn't drop everything again if she just gave the word...or that he won't try to "hang on" to some sort of friendship w her at work.



"

[littleGTO]

And, to be honest I was starting to look forward to the possibility of dating again and having a new Mr. Wonderful in my life.

BTW- For those that have followed my thread, cute D'ed guy is NOT my next Mr. Wonderful. And, if I did decide to try to R w H I would stop hanging out w him. But for now, I intend to continue this R/friendship w him. I know I kissed him (interestingly only 2 nights ago) & that isn't "M" behavior, but I dropped the rope/ accepted the end of my M and felt that it would help me continue to move forward.

Now, I don't know where this will lead. I just pray to God for guidance and await all of your amazing advice.

[JuneReN]

Turtle, really tough place to be in.

I think you will have to sit with everything for a while. No decisions anywhere. Don't talk to cute guy, don't talk to H, now is the time to figure what you need.

H is cake eating a bit in terms of "I want to move back, but I still have feeling for OW"

If you need the love and respect, the dating and the wooing, then that is what you need. If you accept less, I think that resentment can build.

Of course, H needs to know that this is what you would require. Guy's not a mind reader.

But sit a bit yet, okay ? <3

[AnotherStander]

My thoughts currently-
*I will NOT have him move back in UNLESS/ UNTIL OW is completely out of the picture. This means I would expect him to minimal ask to transfer to another building (currently the work next door to each other).
* I would expect him not to continue ANY kind of friendship with her.
*I would need his feelings for her to be over (grieving done).
*I would expect him to date me again and court me and START OVER.
*He would have to prove that I can trust him.
* He would have to prove that he loves me over and over and over.
* He would have to show 180s in areas that I don't want to live with any more-- constant complaining about family life and the children's activities dictating life.

Turtle, I still don't think he's anywhere close to where he needs to be. As you said, he has not said a word about wanting reconciliation with you or even trying to work on the M. In your last thread you had a conversation with him in which you laid out your boundaries. Here is what you told him then:

- Sorry you are having such a difficult time.
- Said it is difficult to understand each other's perspectives but that I do understand his struggle.
- That I deserve someone who wants to be with me and wants to do life with me and loves me.
- That I will not be Plan B for anyone.
- That I will not live w him in the same house in a loveless M.
- That I will not model a "fake M" for our children.
- That I think children have already been through the worst--his moving out.

The bold parts in particular are spot on and EXACTLY the position you should take. What you listed in your most recent post seems to be backing down from these firm boundaries you already gave him. I think you should just reiterate your previous boundaries, tell him that he already knows your stance and that what he is proposing is unacceptable to you. Then continue with what you've been doing.

His journey is just beginning. I think it could be months before he is in the right place to START reconciliation. And if/ when he gets to that point, the first step is NOT moving back in, it's going out on dates while you are still separated, and it's exploring MC and/ or RetroV.

[bustingout]

Hi turtle, I agree with Ruby about sitting for awhile. And I agree with AS about reiterating your stance. Its a tough situation but this is part of the challenge of DBing I believe. Sometimes sitting still with ourselves is the best response at a particular moment in time.

[tori2012]

GTO, I agree with everyone's advice. You need to let your inner voice be heard, and now your H and the neighbor are drowning it.

I think your H's change of attitude is your chance to save your M. It's a scary situation bc you might be wondering whether this road will lead to more pain. I felt the same way Joe hinted he wanted to reconcile. But I guess all you can do is to take a risk. Nothing is certain.

Your H is not where he needs to be, but he needs time to get there. I think it's good he's being honest about his feelings for the OW instead of lying to you, which is what Joe did. If he's not w OW, he'll be mourning her loss, and you would have to be strong enough to hang in there while he mourns. It's your choice whether you want to do it, but it's your chance to save your M.

Another positive is that he hasn't had sex w the OW (if he is as honest as he says he is) which would make the healing a bit easier (at least I see it this way.) Knowing Joe had been with the OW made me physically nauseous, and I started associating intimacy with the OW bc she was always in my mind when I was w Joe. UGH. Talk about torture.

Think this through. No matter what we tell you, the decision is ultimately yours. I made the mistake of seeing a MC, but the only useful thing he told Joe was, "No matter what I say to you, you will end up doing whatever you want." That's the only statement he got right.

We're here for you.

[littleGTO]

Thanks, everyone, you are all right about just sitting with things for a while.

Tomorrow H comes home from trip with 2 of the boys. He undoubtedly will ask me about what he said about possible moving in.

I have my boundaries (that I previously stated & will repeat).

Tomorrow afternoon we have an apptmt with a team of mediators (a meet and greet consultation). I think we both are agreed that we will go to that and then just take some time before any decisions are made.

AS- I agree that H has a LONG way to go before he's in a position of wanting to reconcile. Right now he's in panic mode b/c OW is newly out of the picture & he's worried he will be doing life alone.

Tori- As I said to ruby, I'm not sure I want to save my M anymore. To me it was already over...all but the paperwork. I was ready to move forward with that. In H is still "with OW" in his heart/head, not with me in any way.

A happy, healthy family cannot exist without the foundation of a strong marriage. It just can't and I refuse to put our family together without it's foundation because it will ultimately crumble (again) anyway. No, the marriage has to come first.

So, I will just sit with all of this and see what unfolds in the days, weeks, and months ahead.

[littleGTO]

Okay, I was overwhelmed w happenings of yesterday to post, but I am ready now:

So, H comes home from trip with 2 of our boys & we talk (my initiation, but he wanted to talk too).

I said I wanted to respond to his idea about considering the idea of him possibly moving back in in a couple of months if things were going well (we weren't arguing/ OW wasn't back in picture) & for the "sake of the boys." No mention of R at all.

I got out that living together wasn't going to work for me until we had reconciled and we had spent a lot of time working on our M first...but he cut me off & said his idea was not about R, but about co-habitating...living separate lives in the same house!!!

I tried to stay calm, but I said absolutely NOT!! That would never work for me and it would confuse the boys and really is that what he would want??? (NO)

I asked him if moving forward a magic wand could be waved what would he want? He said- OW divorced and they could move forward with their R and 50/50 custody of boys.

So, while apologies a few days ago were great (really great) he is still wanting a life w OW.

Apparenting they haven't seen each other all summer and haven't had any contact for a while (2 weeks, maybe?) but WILL see each other tomorrow for the first time at work. So, it will be INTERESTING to see how the coming weeks unfold. (He promised he would keep me "posted" if anything changed.)

So, then yesterday evening we went to a 2nd meet and greet with different mediators. I sat and cried the entire 1/2 hour and H did most of the talking--asking questions.

When we left the office I immediately had a meltdown. H held me and said it would all be okay but this part was going to be awful. So, it seems he has it still in his head that this is the only way forward.

We went for a drink(as I was meeting a friend an hour later in the area, so he wanted to talk & didn't want me to sit in a bar alone upset). We talked, we flirted a little (a glass of wine put me in a different place), we cried and then he hugged me good-bye.

I know he is grieving the end (temporary??) of his R w OW, so he is in a dark place. Said he even wanted "it all to end" and would just rather "be w his mom" (who passed away last Aug). I held his hand when he said this and we both cried.

We know ultimately his mom's passing had a HUGE part in where we are...not to blame but to understand how we (partly) got here.

I don't know where I'm headed, but really just going to SIT and just continue my path onward--GALs, new friends, cute D'ed guy, and newly another cute, young guy (that was only flirting, but hey...you never know, right?).

Starting new job Monday and realllly need to change my focus to that. Plus kids all start new schools too, so new transitional time ahead. Don't need added drama now!

[littleGTO]

And, I didn't mention the most important focus of my life (but I always assume anyone w children knows this)-- my 3 amazing boys!!!

[Mimi00]

All the best to you on your new job. Good for you respecting yourself and letting your H know that living together, for his reasons, is not for the best. Not everyone would make a choice as smart and strong. Your H saying he wants to be with his mom, sounds like hes not in a good space mentally at all. Hope he one day gets whatever help he needs.