When amicable makes you want to scream

[Muse]

Hi all, I am new here.

I found the 180 online, put into practice and by following links, found myself here. I bought the book, DIvorce Busting, and am slowly working my way through it.

H and I separated on August 1st, so this is very raw for me.

We separated once before, but I don't think we made the necessary changes, and now a few years later, here we are again.

Money has always been a sore point, he spends it and then resents me for using what little we have to get the bills paid. I think it has become a control issue with him determined to spend and me determined to not spend....and the fight is on.

H has taken to withholding affection to the point where we have not ML in over a year. I resent him for doing it, he resents me for putting him in that position.

H also spent time in Iraq, and I believe it changed him in ways that I cannot even explain.

Our M is unhealthy and broken. But yet, we do still love each other.

He moved out, we are going to co-own the house until such time as I buy him out and we are going to share custody of the family dog.

It's all very civil, amicable and polite. I want to pull my hair out and scream. I have the rules on my phone,and every time I want to call him and cry my heart out, I find something to do. This calm (even if some days it's only a facade) is perplexing him, I know. He keeps expecting me to call him repeatedly, to start a fight, to melt down, and I don't know what steps to take next.

I know he needs time to miss me, I know he needs time to sort out his feelings. Hell, I do to. I'm no good to anyone as I am...and I don't think I would take him back right now because we are both messed up. But I would want to more than anything.

I'm a little wishy washy right now.

I want him back, but I don't want the constant drama back.

[Muse]

Today is a rough day. I read my rules, stuck by them as best I can and try to keep busy.

I honestly do not know what else to do.

If I don't contact him, I seem to get a text asking how my day was, or he seems to need to stop by for something.

When we separated the first time, he said he was never coming back....then I got good and bloody angry at some of the crap (can I say that here?) he was pulling, and tossed him on his ear...that made him sit up and take notice, change his mind and we reconciled.

This time, I am trying to work on me. He says we are done, but if he changed his mind once before, I know it can happen again.

We never stopped talking, so I guess I need to work on my next step. Patience. Of which I am not very good at....

[Muse]

I know I am still on moderation, so I will just keep posting here like a journal, it will be good to look back on in a few weeks time.

I spent the weekend in a lot of deep thought. I'm still working my way through DB. I'm not in any rush to implement any plan, other than sticking to my 180 as best as I can.

On Page 128 DB talks about, "Notice what is different about the times you are getting along." I had to dig far and deep. I couldn't pinpoint a single thing.

As I was walking out the door to work, I saw my husband's coat that he had won for Point Champion of the year. He was so proud of that accomplishment, and he was happy. We were happy. I had taken up the sport a few years after him, and won Rookie of the Year. Unfortunately the sporting place closed down, and there is not another like it within 4-5 hours of where we live.

What was different? We talked, we smiled, we touched. No matter how exasperated I got with him, we had fun.

Today, we have huge amounts of resentments, he said, she said.

As I am moving through the book, the phrase, "If it's not working, try something different," really hit home.

We were doing something different back then, and seems we forgot how to.

If I hadn't seen that jacket today.....

[Underdog]

Muse,

Yikes... I am in between tasks at work and decided to drop in to offer some support. Sorry that others haven't been here first. Typically, this place gets lots of traffic.

Since you have already separated, you might find Divorce Remedy more targeted with specific game plans. You didn't get here overnight and it's not going to be resolved overnight either. You've got a pretty unhealthy dynamic and since you're the one who is here, the onus is going to be on YOU to do the changing.

A few things catch my eye:

Money has always been a sore point, he spends it and then resents me for using what little we have to get the bills paid. I think it has become a control issue with him determined to spend and me determined to not spend....and the fight is on.

Sounds like you two have brought some childhood baggage and fears into your M and you're at an impasse. What's the psychology of his feelings about money? And what is your background?

Are you a control freak? Do you have to have the last word? Are you sarcastic? Are you critical? A perfectionist? What are his chief complaints about you that you have not addressed?

I know there have got to be some. My XH was like yours in a way that pretty much nobody else here seems to react: he also withheld sex from me. I guess it's kind of unusual but at the worst point in our R, he told our MC that he just couldn't have sex with someone he despised.

That being said, I'm willing to bet that in his mind you've accumulated a list of unpleasant character flaws that he feels are deal breakers. Can you share?

This calm (even if some days it's only a facade) is perplexing him, I know. He keeps expecting me to call him repeatedly, to start a fight, to melt down, and I don't know what steps to take next.

This is what MWD calls a 180. If it has been your nature to engage with him this way, then stop it altogether. If you don't know what to do or say, then do or say nothing.

He's undoubtedly moved out because he doesn't feel hopeful that things are going to change or that you are going to change. If he can count on you to dance the same dance with him, it's going to be more of the same. Change it up.

On Page 128 DB talks about, "Notice what is different about the times you are getting along." I had to dig far and deep. I couldn't pinpoint a single thing.

I know you can do this. You haven't been getting along for awhile. Do you talk at all?

If you have to go to the distant past for clues, when he felt happy with you, what were you doing or not doing that made him feel close and connected with you?

Your money differences are the elephant in the living room. But I'd bet my mortgage that they are the smoke screen for a lot of other struggles between the two of you.

If I don't contact him, I seem to get a text asking how my day was, or he seems to need to stop by for something.

Then use these opportunities to see what kind of response you get to attempts at conversation. Are you congenial or do you act petulant and whiny?

What are you actively doing to stop the scorekeeping and work on the resentment?

Do you have a faith community or support network? Counselors?

Now some rules to live by while you figure stuff out:

1. Don't lose your temper.
2. Set some communication goals
3. Make sure you work on personal goals and things that make you happy.

I've got to run, but will be back.

Good luck,

Betsey

[Mimi00]

Hi Muse, sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.
Underdog asked some great questions and gave good advice.
I can relate, my H and I are very "amicable", though we are starting to talk less and less. I want to yell and tell him what a jerk he is, instead I smile, validate, and never get angry. It's becoming more natural as I am more detached. You sound like you're headed in the right direction w/ looking at your self and the changes you can make with in, to be a better you. I will check back w/ your sitch, all the best to you on your journey!

My XH was like yours in a way that pretty much nobody else here seems to react: he also withheld sex from me. I guess it's kind of unusual but at the worst point in our R, he told our MC that he just couldn't have sex with someone he despised.

I can relate to this very much.

[MrBond]

"As I am moving through the book, the phrase, "If it's not working, try something different," really hit home.

We were doing something different back then, and seems we forgot how to."

That isn't quite what the book meant, but I think the biggest thing in your sitch is that both of you have to learn to let go and be more accepting and forgiving of one another. Going back to when you were first going out, you accepted each other's quirks and opinions. As time went out, it changed from acceptance and compromise of one another's opinion to, I'm right and you're wrong. That's where resentment is created.

Find a way that will get you back to that place.

[Muse]

Mimi30 - It's very familiar to me too.

MrBond - I know. I just don't know how to stop the downward spiral. I'm working on it though. I believe that the "different" we were doing back then was what we have lost. 10 days away gave me a lot of perspective.

I came home on Saturday evening, he was very polite. He has been incredibly busy working as well as two side jobs, and has been going hard 14-16 hours per day. He looked exhausted. He has also done something to his shoulder. I grabbed the balm, and worked out the kinks for him. I swear he was simply leaning into the touch and just enjoying my hands on him. It was nothing sexual, just that contact with another. He slept on the couch.

Last night, he put in another brutal day, came by, I fed him(because he is not eating) and he made yet another comment about how good it is that he has freedom.

I lost it

I told him that every time he hammers it home about his joy in his new life, he is hurting me and that he needed to go. He threw a little bit of a tantrum, but we ended up talking. Really talking.

He admitted that he is determined to keep that wall up, or he will backslide into coming home and back to the same old crap.

I told him that I was not asking him to come home and that I agreed that there is no way we could ever go back to that.

He said that I am still holding onto hope and he cannot go back to that.

I told him that the last time we separated, I was determined that there was only one path, we would get back together and that was it. We didn't fix us, only the marriage. This time, I'm working on me, and I am going to see where my path leads. I refuse to close off any path, because that sure did not work the last time.

He said, we are broken and it cannot be fixed.

I told him that I disagreed. We have all this love, and we let all this crap pile up on it.

He said, no we are broken.

I said, no if we were broken, you wouldn't love me anymore.

The look on his face....he said he hadn't thought of it that way,

I do believe I made him do what he has been avoiding for the last month. And that is think about our situation. He left, i got a big hug.

Today, instead of the usual gruff hello, I got a good morning sunshine, how did you sleep? He had to stop by to grab something, and has retreated back behind his wall, but it seems a little thinner.

I believe I need to walk very carefully here. Patience patience patience.

Is this false hope or am I doing something right?

[Muse]

And as expected, H has completely withdrawn behind his brick wall.

I don't get it, I mean, I understand the pattern, but man, it throws me. Yesterday he tracked me down at the Dogpark, just to tell me I could keep the dog for another night. We even held hands for a bit.

Today it is all about filing a legal separation agreement.

[Muse]

And I did post a really long response to Underdog, but it has not been approved, however, the one after it,, has been approved. So it will be a little out of order when it gets approved. :-)

[Muse]

Also.....am I being an idiot? Is there truly hope?