Me: Hey hon, what are the sleeping arrangements tonight? W: What do you want them to be? Me: I'd like to stay in our bed? W: Well, you've been staying on the couch on your dates here. Me: OK, I will stay on the couch tonight.
Yes, I won't sleep in the bed when I am at home with the kids. I can't for some subconscious reason. This isn't the first time she's been bringing up the past. I hear this statement a lot "Well, you always do/did that". THAT was the old me. how can I communicate that I am NOT doing those things anymore?
"W, Yes, I did those things before, and I know how they must have sounded/felt to you. Doing those things didn't make me happy, and I don't think they made you happy either. I want the things we do and say to each other to be condusive of a wonderful, supporting, loving, caring, trusting marriage. ???whut else???"
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
So far on our nights together at home, W has been going into a different room. First night, she stated that she had her school work to do and bills. So she spent it in the office tapping away on the comuter. The second night, last night, I was reading in the living room while the kids were watching TV. W goes into the bedroom and turns on the TV and pokes at her smartphone. Ugh! What can I say to her?
"W, it seems to me that you want to be left alone when I am here, the two nights that I stayed at home with you are exapmles. Am I reading that right. I would like to be able to talk together for a little bit. Especially about the calendar, which you must have done at some point last night. It was one of the things I asked to do together. What do you think? Do you have any other ideas/comments about the times that I am here with you?"
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
I think she is saying to you that she wants you to sleep on the couch, I don't know why she said because that is always what you do. I wouldn't say anything to her about this. I've got the same problem with H. How can I tell him that I've changed and I want him to share the bad with me now? I can't as he's left! He did say to me that him leaving wasn't about him sleeping in a separate room or the lack of intimacy, but he was just unhappy. We can't change the past. I do wish sometimes that we could turn back the clock and start all over knowing what I know now! It makes me sad as he never once said how much it was upsetting him that we were living as friends. He just let it ride until he could stand it no longer!
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
If she goes into the other room, she wants to be on her own and not have you pursuing her. I would leave her alone and if she wants to talk to you then let her initiate all contact with you. Believe me, it does work Am I the only one commenting on this thread? Has anyone else got any ideas to say to Mathwichi? I'm only giving my 2 cents worth here, I may be wrong with the whole sitch so it's just my opinion. Have you read men are from Mars, women are from venus? It may just be able to give you some insight as to why she's going off into another room to text on her phone and behaving the way she is at the mo. I hope you're also reading DB/DR and Sandi's rules as they are there to help you along.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
As far as I can tell it's called "answering your questions"
Quote:
Me: Hey hon, what are the sleeping arrangements tonight? W: What do you want them to be? Me: I'd like to stay in our bed?
I would have made that last a statement rather than a question!
Quote:
"W, Yes, I did those things before, and I know how they must have sounded/felt to you. Doing those things didn't make me happy, and I don't think they made you happy either. I want the things we do and say to each other to be condusive of a wonderful, supporting, loving, caring, trusting marriage. ???whut else???"
Stay away from the wordy explanations. Just say you don't like sleeping on the couch and are going to sleep in the bed from now on. Do less beta and more alpha
Hmmm, when the kids went to bed I went to her room door and told her that "I am going to bed, goodnight". She was sort of surprised, she even said "Already?!". It was early for me, but I've been getting more sleep every night that we are apart and luvin it!
It was sort of funny too. A little bit before this, we were in the kitchen. She was cooking BBQ for the next eve's dinner. I asked her if there was something that I could help her with. She asked me if I would cut the mellon. ABSOLUTELY! The kids were upstairs and they left their channel on the TV. W said "is this what you are watching?". I said "No, but is your program on that I should turn on. I know you like Castle, should I turn that on for you?" she says to me: "no, I haven't watched that for months now, I really don't like to watch TV, there is nothing on anymore".
After the mellon is all cut and fridged, I sit down to read in the living room, the kids come back down and watch their show. Barb retreats to her room with TV on and txtng. She doesn't like TV? She did that night.
I think you are right about her seeing if I would pursue her. Maybe that was the surprised look she gave when I told her I was going to bed.
tonight we have a counselor meeting together, I am sure this will come up..
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
Make sure that the MC is pro marriage as described in the DR book. If it isn't then you need to change straight away as this will cause more damage to the relationship you have already with her.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
The couselor likes to hit up the past. Reminds me of the cheesless tunnels. Every time she and W do, my ego and confidence takes a hyoooge hit. They did it again last night, and W even stated that "It really wasn't a big deal". Then WTF did you bring it up. BUT the counselor did point out that we do have a big communication breakdown. And EACH of us has to work on it. Direct/Simple/Clear statements. Not "wishing", "thinking", communication. Whew.
So this AM I remembered the Cheeseless tunnel. I got to drop kids off at ice skating. The cashier told me that I could get 20 half hour sessions for $90. so I'd save $30. I txtd W that this deal was available and that I paid the regular $12. she calls me to discuss that we will do it next time. Cool. when I got to work, I e-mailed her and just said" Hey Hon, I really appreciate the call this am. Even if it was only for an ice skating deal. have a great day"
W used to call me all the time when we were going to work. That was something that made her feel good, and me ffeel good. We typically don't have time to talk when we are getting ready and getting the kids ready for school. so it was a pleasant break. We'll see if we continue this
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
Sounds positive Mathwichi Let's hope it continues Remember babysteps! Don't try to rush things. I know this from experience!
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
I should have also stated the positive stuff that W was doing. She was reaching out and touching my arm while talking to me in the Counselor session. So another nice babystep imo. But she still likes to critisize me and belittle me. When she starts out sentences with "I don't want this to sound controlling or critisizing...", I stop her. I say "I don't want to hear it, right now, especially in a critical/belittling voice".
There are ways to say it in a opsitive voice (our counselor is going to teach us these things later actually). She's been thru this before a while back. Obv we both forgot about it.
I don't think she means to do it, it is almost subconscious. She has been the leader for quite some time, and that chit is gunna change.
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
