We are trying to go over routines and habits that H and I have that will establish some precedents for healthy relating in the future.
I told the two of them (H & MC) that I freaked out yesterday when I hadn't heard from H for three hours, which is unusual by now. I told myself he might show up drunk at 2 in the morning. I wanted to slip into grief and fear.
Here is the convo I had with myself:
I looked myself in the mirror and said "what's the worst thing that can happen?"
I said to myself, "He will leave me."
Answer: "can you handle it?"
"Yes, I can. I haven't made it on my own, but I know I can. I am confident I'll be okay."
"Then, why the sad face? Would you like to look at that face?"
"No, I can choose to be happy. I WILL choose to be happy."
And I did. I went about merrily and of course H texted and said he had meant to contact me earlier, etc.
I mentioned this at MC b/c I am still struggling with the thought H might leave. The MC asked H if he would be willing to let me know if things start going downhill. H said he would. H said everything is going great.
MC said I need to have confidence and trust and move forward. And she was very proud of me for working through my fear yesterday.
And I said I didn't want my H to constantly worry and have to reassure me. I want to have a normal, trusting R.
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The MC also asked H what the specific things were that "we" are working on and he mentioned a few things, some of which span ten years. It is clear he is planning on staying.
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Then...H & I went out and bought a new car! He said its a car for me. It's for taking S13 to school in and to use while I'm working. It's a 2013 Nissan Altima. It had 3 small spots of hail damage on the roof so we got it for several thousand dollars less ... and it's the last day of the month...so....we got a deal.
He let me pick out the color I wanted, etc.
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I think if things keep going well, as GALb suggested, maybe next thread I should move to piecing. I feel like H & I have been piecing, although at times panicking, idk, lol!
I want to get back to various comments and questions people posed on this thread. I'll do it little by little as I can.
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In a week S13 is going to my sister's house for a week so H & I will be alone for a week. A staycation? A honeymoon? Things could really heat up here (in a good way) if it goes anything like the vacation we just had! I think H will take off work and stay the whole week with me.
He seems so happy. I rarely see the teenager in him. Some playfulness, yes. But lots of responsible decisions and aura about him. Truly a man in acceptance of his life. He even is starting to give S13 some "wisdom nuggets" of growing up and I'm really pleased to hear them.
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When I was alone and looking at the ocean last week, I was overwhelmed with the thought that H & I have truly done something that few couples have. We have tested the limits of our love and have come away with something to really treasure, hence the title of this thread.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, I am very happy and proud of you! You and your family have come a long way and everything appears to be falling into place. My dear, you have a lot to treasure now and into the future. The struggle to get where you and your h are today was a hard one, but both of you are and continue to be willing to work toward a better marriage. Neither of you should take each other for granted and always remember...this is a brand new relationship, which means you can't go back to the way you both were pre-crisis.
If you would prefer to remain here versus piecing...we would love to have you stay. However, that's your choice.
BTW, what color did you select for your new car? Are you now ready to continue on w/your career in real estate? I think you should follow your dreams and make that happen.
Congratulations rH! Life is looking up and you have a lot to look forward to in the years ahead. Follow your dreams!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wanted to say a heartfelt thanks to all for the positive comments and feedback on my recent threads. It has meant the world to me to have this support!
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The new and improved H is different than he was.
When we went kayaking in Florida there were 3 college-age girls from New England in our tour group only wearing bikinis, life vests and flip flops. H didn't have that sort of I'm-trying-to-hide-that-I'm-looking-at-pretty-girls look that a lot of guys get lol! He sort of looked but still seemed very confident in himself and him & me. I hadn't felt that since courting days.
During the anger and depression MLC years there was lots of flirting and looking at women. I don't see that now. I don't see a yearning for "something else". I see a settled emotional state and a desire for passion in his own life -- activities, hobbies, family, self.
I do believe more passion for me will evolve, and possibly more jewelry or vow renewal -- but I'll leave that up to him. He seems to be plenty happy with me, publicly or privately.
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snodderly thanks for your kind words. You had to post A LOT to me last fall and winter lest I go off track (unlike FY)!!!! I can't thank you enough. Your guidance will always be a part of my life!
The car is cayenne red. It looks great with some chrome details. I'm so happy with it. H keeps telling me its mine. He had the $ to pay cash but financed so as to invest the other $.
He also keeps telling me a PC laptop that he has used for years he is giving to me. I noticed today that he changed all the files to my name and even put a beautiful butterfly on a flower as my opening pic. I kind of have ignored this gift b/c I associate the computer with some of the activities he USED to do on it, but I need to adopt T^2's saying, the past is passed!!!
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I'm finally ready to do real estate, but H is fine with whatever career or job I want to take. He told the MC it's not about the $ and he doesn't want our lives to feel rushed b/c I work. So any part-time position is fine with him.
The MC said it would be good to ease into these changes this fall as I haven't been in the work force since 1999.
Mtnman, RL, T^2, c thank you so much for your comments and enthusiasm! sbr and Tvs I appreciate the advice to make NEW habits. MC said the same!
GALb thanks for the comment on the writing. I love to paint word pics I'll see how this thread goes and consider going to piecing later. I'm not allowing myself to get excited about our new M but wondering if I should!!!
Thumpered what a lovely idea to renew vows! I wanted to wait to follow H's ideas with that. Maybe he will say something by Christmas?
Nlt what a sweet post! Kudos for wading through my threads ... I wrote so much! I tried my best to follow advice given here with a twist on my own sitch. But I screwed up so much ... made so many mistakes ... I'm convinced its all timing with the spouse and their journey. I feel a lot of the key is identifying the issues that propelled them (them having a catalyst of some kind) into this quest of self-discovery.
I also feel, especially now after hearing H talk during MC, that owning and sincerely apologizing for my own failings in the M, and making needed changes, has been a catalyst in recovery. I worked through some of that on my threads last fall.
There are a few more comments/questions I'll get to another day.
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I considered what Wonka said about a death precipitating a crisis.
When we were in Florida, H's mom gave him a special expensive gold bracelet that his deceased sister had made for herself with her name on it. H's mom wanted H to wear it. H's mom carried his sister's ashes with her everywhere she went for a long time after his sister died. It was really hard for her to let go.
H immediately gave the bracelet to me and asked me to keep it for him. I hoped his mom wouldn't faint or anything!
So...at home...H tries on the bracelet and decides he doesn't wanna wear it. He asked me if I wanted to wear it. Awkward! I said, no, maybe he could display it at home with his (deceased) father's gold watch. H said that he decided to give it to his sister's daughter when she is a grown woman. I said that was a good idea.
Then...last night we talked about the woman who hosted the cookout and whom he had gone with to the bodybuilding show. H admitted that this woman reminds him of his sister and listed the ways...physically and emotionally.
That all ties together...,"the answers will come"....that he sought this woman as a buddy when going into full replay. She introduced him to many other women and situations where he could meet more women and with one of these other women, I believe, he had an EA.
I didn't tell H all my surmisings but I think he knew I was thinking about it and he just hugged me and said "why do you think about these things?" I said nothing more and I know he distances a little when I figure something out. So I was careful to act normal and happy and affectionate so he doesn't perceive any distancing from me. It does help me a lot to see what happened.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH Nero will call me a sap ( ) but reading your posts always makes me cry a little from happiness for you. We haven't know each other too long, but I remember when your H was coming around a bit, then would "backslide" into his replay activities. You were unbelievably strong, and it was your love and strength that enabled your H to escape the tunnel. You're one in e million rH!
This is going to be my DBing mantra for a bit "That all ties together...,"the answers will come"...." it'll help me stand a little stronger and longer now, because of the faith that someday this will all make sense.�
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Im still following too.... its a beautiful LOVE story. Like a book, you cannot put down. Keep going rH.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Thanks Linda! You know, you are unbelievably strong too! Its just hard to see when your H is acting so strangely and does so many things to put darts in your heart! Like one of the posters said on your thread, you'll need strength for these coming months. Take care of you and hold on to your hope!
mm, thanks for the sweet post it feels like a love story to me too! Strangely, I don't have the in-love infatuation feelings that I expected. Its more like a strong, enduring love, commitment, friendship, companion-love. Something I've never experienced before. But its nice!
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More progress:
Last evening was the "first Friday" of the month. In the past, my H had regularly attended an alcohol/meeting-women party on this day.
Yesterday morning I asked him if he was going to this event and he seemed conflicted. He wanted to go, felt he should ask me to go, but he sounded a bit uncomfortable with it. If my instincts were correct, the woman he had the EA with was hosting. I really believe he is 100% over her, but I told my H I preferred NOT to go and I was fine with him going. I listed some reasons related to home & family as to why I didn't wanna go. I said vaguely that I might like to go to a another one in the future.
In the afternoon, H's new golf clubs came in and he went to pick them up and hit some balls at the golf club, then came home and spent the evening with me and S13.
He has progressed so much in these last few months!
I remember the first one of these parties he didn't attend at the beginning of this year. He decided to take me out out to dinner instead. He was so uncomfortable. He spent the whole evening looking at his phone.
In the car, on the way to dinner, I had my hand on the back of his neck playing with his hair and massaging his neck, something he loves. He shook his head and asked me with a frown to PLEASE stop doing that! I was rubbing the same spot over and over and he just HATES that! Grrrr!!!
Well, okay, mister. But I understood the bigger thing was he was choosing to be with me rather than his drinking buddies and that was the big picture. So we made it through the evening somehow!
Last evening he was so happy and contented being at home. We played games with S13 then walked around the pond after dark....dodging spider webs with lightening bugs blinking around and the stars peeking out.
I bought him a beautiful little card. I surely wanted to say "thanks for being so wonderful" but instead I chose a card with an engraved seahorse with little tiny glass jewels on it. It was in an aqua-colored envelope with rainbow shimmers on the inside lining.
I said "thanks for a fantastic vacation" and similar thoughts and had S13 sign it with me. I hid it in H's bathroom drawer. He loved it and commented several times last night and this morning how beautiful it was.
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He left this morning for golfing, lunch and errands. He seems so settled.
I see a different focus in him with his hobbies and friends. He is okay with who he is and who he is becoming. These are the treasures that await on the other side of MLC and acceptance.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
lol! He sort of looked but still seemed very confident in himself and him & me. I hadn't felt that since courting days.