Everytime I hear that Rhianna song, I think of H. Not that it pertains to he and I, but it makes me think of how he must be feeling.
And the part that goes "The reason I hold on is I need this hole gone" makes me think of him clinging to FT. Just trying to see things from his perspective.
He left today to supposedly go golfing with a friend then dinner then hang out. Riiight.
Raine, I thought of you and your triggers. For me, it's when he does push-ups (which I think are for her) or when he gets dressed up for a date night.
He shaved today, wore his new undies, and wore a shirt that I believe she bought him (the one that mysteriously appeared on Easter).
Funny, he got a wee bit defensive with me. I was outside, and he came out to say goodbye. He mentioned about dumping the water out of the boys play wheelbarrow because it was gross. I asked him if he wanted me to do it since he was dressed up. He got a little flustered and said he was just dressed for golf. And he dumped the water too
But I definitely sensed some awkwardness and/or guilt. Too bad. He may be living with his head in the sand, but I'm not.
On the flip side, he came up to bed in the middle of the night to sleep. I asked him this morning if he had trouble sleeping again, and he said that he did, but slept well once he came to bed.
And you're sleeping on the couch why again???
Was nice all day, good with me and the boys.
All this back and forth is hard.
Luckily, UW has a special going on patience shovels - I think it's BOGO!
Sign me up
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Hey T, yep, defensive equals guilt. My xh used to be the same way. Too bad for your h. His doing.
He is inching closer. But I know it feels likes millimeters. She is probably pulling out all the stops, T. Trying everything to keep him hooked.
The thing is that the final letting go is really scary for him. He's got a lot to come to grips with, a lot to own up to. So, he has to be really sure of what he wants.
You have to really dig in. And yep, it is BOGO on the shovels. LOL!
I do feel like there has been improvement. Sometimes it's just hard to see it when you're in the thick of things.
If you can find threads from a year ago, H was totally off his rocker. Complete alien mode.
He is so much better in many ways, yet still has OW. This is what pulls at my heart.
But I am constantly trying to remind myself that this is a process, a very LONG process. I want to give him as much space as possible to figure things out and work his way through. I believe that he can.
Thanks UW. You are probably right about her pulling out all the stops in order to "keep" him. I say go right ahead. She still isn't even dog crap on my shoes lol!
I guess it is a monumental decision for him if he decides to let her go. So much has happened, and wow is there a big mess now.
Lately he has really been into making sure the kids tell the truth. He says it really bothers him when S5 lies. He has been having some heart to heart talks to him about it. Very interesting.
So tonight I decided to try another 180.
I have said before that I've spent a lot of time distancing myself from H. Now, I am slowly trying to change things up here and there as he inches closer.
I never, and I mean NEVER, text him when I suspect he is with FT. I always felt I should just give him space. But something in me tonight told me different.
S3 said something really sweet in reference to H when going to bed tonight. So I texted H the story. It was a short text - lighthearted and fun.
No response.
Then just as I'm getting ready to post here, he texts me back. Over an hour later. Now for someone who is never without his phone, who texts people back immediately, it is definitely intentional that he took so long to respond. I guess it's a step in the right direction that he responded at all lol!
I didn't respond back.
Yep, got my T^2 lab coat on as we speak..,
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
He is so much better in many ways, yet still has OW. This is what pulls at my heart.
yeah- i know - me too. i am clueless as usual about what the heck anything means or might mean. have given upinterpreting- i'm lousy at it and make myself nuts.
- but reading your stuff and trying to take heart - or see something past today-
not happenin here, but glad you feel encouraged. maybe -j ust maybe there is something beyond mlc?
guess ya gotta still live in hope - old habits die hard huh? the hopeful pollyanna
hope your upswing continues to total success ultimately- we're out here- all the "readers"
I do feel like there has been improvement. Sometimes it's just hard to see it when you're in the thick of things.
I can see huge ones, T.
He is so much better in many ways, yet still has OW. This is what pulls at my heart.
I know it breaks your heart, my friend. And even though she is a symptom of a crisis, it still just sux.
But I am constantly trying to remind myself that this is a process, a very LONG process. I want to give him as much space as possible to figure things out and work his way through. I believe that he can.
I truly believe he can, too. Really and truly.
She still isn't even dog crap on my shoes lol!
True dat, sista!
I guess it is a monumental decision for him if he decides to let her go. So much has happened, and wow is there a big mess now.
It is, T. He has to be really ready to face it all. Until he is, he will keep hanging on. But each connection, each family thing, each time you scratch him, each time you give him space, are all ways that allow him to get strong enough to see what he needs to do.
Lately he has really been into making sure the kids tell the truth. He says it really bothers him when S5 lies. He has been having some heart to heart talks to him about it. Very interesting.
Amazing, no, how they dont see the freakin connection. LOL!
I have said before that I've spent a lot of time distancing myself from H. Now, I am slowly trying to change things up here and there as he inches closer.
That's exactly right. Act, monitor and adjust.
I guess it's a step in the right direction that he responded at all lol!
Yes it is. The thing is, you plant a seed, then another at the right time. The hope is that it grows into something different.
Sometimes I feel like that "Pollyanna" too, but maybe more like the die hard romantic that believes love really does conquer all.
Not sure how to change that thinking, or if I should. Love certainly doesn't conquer MLC, but it does play a big role I think.
Thanks for stopping by, hope you are having a good evening
Hi U ~ I know you are always honest, so it is reassuring to me when you can see changes too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just wishful thinking with the changes. But he is moving along, I can see it, I can feel it.
FT has been hanging around a long time now as a symptom. Maybe it is wrong that I think this way, but I hope that one day he will look back at his time with her with embarrassment and regret. To give so much to a woman so lowly. I don't think I could bear it if he always thought of her fondly
And I think that though it has taken a long time, I feel that his heart is softening up to me and he is able to appreciate good and happy moments together, and also to accept my kindness.
He's been thanking me for a lot of things lately, things I didn't even think he noticed that I did.
I think that everytime we do something as a family, it solidifies something in him. It just hasn't built up enough yet. I think slowly but surely...
So he comes home a little before 11:00 pm last night and comes upstairs to change. After saying hello, the first words out of his mouth were, "I really liked that story you sent me."
Lets see, I have my clip board right here, going to put a check in the "Positive Reaction" column. I think it's time to start sprinkling things like this here and there...
And judging from the time he sent the text to the time he got home, it seems he sent the text when he was leaving or on his way home. Hmmm...
He came up to bed again last night. Did my scratching and lotion application. He slept well after that.
We watched some of "Anchorman" this afternoon, a movie we both love. We kept imitating quotes and laughing at stuff. He even voluntarily showed me a clip he recorded on his phone to send to a friend - we were right next to each other, our bodies touching the whole time
He was in a good mood until I came home from yoga this evening. He was irritated and impatient with kids. Not sure what his problem is/was. I'm always hoping its trouble in paradise!
Keeping my fingers crossed
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
T, You have been doing a great job w/being patient and kind to your h. He's cooking up nicely, but he's got a ways to go and I do think that he's moving along the tunnel at a snail's pace. It's better that they go slowly and get the mlc out of their system versus running through it and not completing the process.
I see progress, i.e., more than you had going on last year. I hope and pray that it will continue. Continue to drop those ego kibbles so that he can gobble them up. Time, space and patience are paying off...just not as quickly as you would like, but it will be worth it in the end.
I'm glad to read that you are keeping busy with some "me" projects for yourself. How are the boys doing these days now that they are back from their trip?
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for the encouragement Snodderly, I do appreciate it.
Am I correct in saying that slow and steady wins the MLC race?
Time, space, and patience... The LBS trifecta!
I have been keeping myself busy, doing things by myself, with friends, and with the boys. They are doing great, and are still talking about stuff we saw/did on vacation. I am so glad that we went! They also seem to be enjoying spending more time with their less distracted father
H said something interesting this morning...
Said he didn't sleep well again, was up most of the night. Told me he went for a walk around the neighborhood in the middle of the night. Said that tv is just not helping him sleep, and that it felt good to take a long walk. He wants to try this now when he can't sleep.
It did cross my mind that perhaps he talked to her while on this walk.
He also told me that he downloaded this star gazing app, and that is was very cool. He used it last night on his walk. Then he says that he thinks you can use it in the daytime too, and demonstrates for me. So once again, we were pressed together looking at the stars in the sky on his phone.
I remember once reading that the darkest time for the MLCer is when they are right smack in the middle of the tunnel. They can't yet see the way out, and they can no longer see where they came from either. Just total darkness and confusion.
I think that my H has crossed that middle ground and can see glimmers of the light out. He's just not running for that light - more like moving at a snail's pace as you said.
Seems like I'm always digging deeper for more patience. I hope that the well isn't going to run dry one day.
Hope you are doing well Snodderly, and still taking care of that knee
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
My friend, God gives his best students the toughest tests.
I know that you are getting tired of the digging. Your arms have grown weary, your brain is lagging from thinking.
Maybe it will help you to think about it like this. While MLC takes a very long time, it is, in the grand scheme and in relation to how long and vested you are in this relationship, not so very long.
And it is good to remember, that this time was certainly not wasted. You have grown so much, learned so much and have solified in your mind what is really important. You have grown even closer to your children. You have made new friends here who love and admire you.
In the end, when your marriage is restored, you will look back on this time as a big part of your story. And the new marriage you forge will be deeper and sweeter with a newfound acceptance and respect of each other.
When you feel tired of it all, picture me, in a cheerleader outfit (ok, that might not be a good thing to picture - LOL!)rooting for you, telling you that you can do this and standing there with a drink and some ice cream at the finish line.
