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A Message from Michele
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Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: LimboLove] #2368433
07/18/13 03:45 AM
07/18/13 03:45 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
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SM34 Offline
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SM34  Offline
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Posts: 851
GAL = Get A Life.

The idea of GAL is to start building a new life for yourself, one that doesn't revolve around your husband.
It helps build self esteem and makes you more ofvan interesting oerson, there by making your husband more intrigued as to how the 'new' you is or would be in a 'new' marriage.

What are your kids opinions or comments or concerns over what is happening between you?

You need to find ways to change the dynamic between the two if you.

Im not an expert, and I hope some of the more knowledgeable people jump in soon to help you. Im just trying to get you started on thinking of....


What went wrong...

What you would have done differently....

And thrtefore what you can do differently FROM THIS DAY FORWARD.

Be patient. im sure the veterans will be on your thread soon to offer their help.

Stay strong. Your situation is not as dire as most on here...


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: SM34] #2368437
07/18/13 04:26 AM
07/18/13 04:26 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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This is just my take on it. Everything is summed up here in your own words.

"So in a very heated argument. I'd pretty much always win. "

No guy likes to be emasculated by his W like that. You say that you had past issues with depression, grief, etc. Well rather than dealing with it in a healthy manner, it seems like you took it out on him. And rather than arguing with you, he took the lighter side and let you 'win' because he knew no matter what he did, you want to win. Even though you say that you want him to argue back, etc. you still want to win. So why would he want to go through all that drama for you?

Now I'm not saying that he didn't have his own faults, but it sounds like he just got fed up. How have you shown him that you're not that same person any more? Can you honestly say that you won't treat him the same way anymore? He, like any other guy, just wants to be treated with respect and dignity from his W.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: catperson] #2368753
07/19/13 04:46 AM
07/19/13 04:46 AM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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LimboLove  Offline OP
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I disagree with touching him more not being 180. I lost my mom and went into the deepest depression for two years almost. Never initiated anything that entire time. It was something that he'd mention he needed. I didn't provide that. So doing the exact opposite of what I was doing...this falls into that category I think.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: SM34] #2368755
07/19/13 05:03 AM
07/19/13 05:03 AM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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Ok thanks for helping me out on the GAL. This I am working on. I have recently joined a fitness club and am meeting all sorts of new people there. So i'm slowly starting to do this. Also looking for more ways to increase my GaL.

The kids aren't really saying much. They of course want us together, but are as unsure of what's going on as I am. I encourage them to talk about it. But they are a lot like him with not.discussing matters of the heart without having to pull it out of them.

Yes that is what I want to do. Change the dynamic. I don't know how though. It's easy to say but after 19 years of doing things one way. It's very hard ,especially as complex people as we are.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: MrBond] #2368762
07/19/13 05:38 AM
07/19/13 05:38 AM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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LimboLove  Offline OP
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I agree. This I have learned. I blamed him for a lot. A lot that I suffered in childhood at the hands of others. I began to see some of these same things in him. I despised it and began to resent even more things that he had/had not done.

Yes, he was fed up. We were both fed up. I was happy to see him gone at first. Went NC for two months. Not even knowing at that time what NC was. When I did make contact it was through a relative of his , to give him info on how to contact the attorney i'd sought. In an effort to be fair in tjw settement agreement. He emerged from his NC and asked that I meet him to talk. I agreed, but in a public place. I did not want him at our home. This is where we were comfortable. One false move and I know the love bug would bite me and change my mind against all I'd prepped it for. He let me know he thought I was moving too fast. That je wanted to wait before doing anything like that. However, he has never mentioned that je wants to work on us. That is something this man will find far too hard to be able to verbalize. He was taught from youmg to suppress feelings and just move forward. I've learned this being as closely connected to my in laws as I am. They ALL do this.

So from that day forward he's done loads to try and show me hewants to do something. ..what though is what I don't know. When I do try and detach..he pulls even closer. I've learned through self help reading and another forum im on ,how to not react. How everything is not that serious for me to explode like I would. Im struggling with over analyzing though. That's my hard task right now.

Most confusing for me is 180. Though it may seem like he's cake eating. If I pull away to far or make myself unavailable, that's not any different than what he suffered when living at home. My moms death was hard for me. I was mama and daddy for me ,my mom and my baby sisters. My mother always seemed jealous of my successes and found delight in my short comings. Many say my husband loves me to pieces yet is intimidated by my strong personality, ability to overcome the hardest of obstacles, my social ranking amongst our friends, and my intellect. I don't see how, yet I do see some of the actions validating their accusation. He encourages me out of pure manners I feel. I can literally feel some of the tension when I do something that he'd not be able to due to aptitude or the sorts. Its ok that im doing good as long as im not doing better than him. Of that makes any sense.

I enjoy theater, museums, astrology, or anything that I can learn and grow from. A lovely night out for me would be at a wine tasting. A good night out for him would be bbq'ing until the mosquito s eat us alive and we all smell like fifty fireman from the smoke...lol. Two people who love each other, yet have forgot how to merge our differences. Something we once did seamlessly.
I want to treat him with the respect a hard working, fun, fairly easy going man deserves. I taught him through all this how to act just as I was. When I was acting that way in part because he's always been there to help me out of any situation. He's never lost a close loved one. Both parents/grandparents living...did not know what I was experiencing losing my mom. I didn't lose a mother. I was my own mother. I lost a dream. I thought one day she would learn to love and accept me for me. She had a brief sudden illness and was gone in a weeks time.
He knew our relationship, therefore probably couldn't understand why I was so hurt. Like I mentioned, i didn't lose a mom, i lost my dream. That's something his mind would never be able. to comprehend.
I blamed him because this time out of all the times. ..he didn't rescue me. From a pain that ran so deep. Just like mama. It seemed everything he did or said reminded me of her and how she treated me. We've since talked about this. He claims to have had no clue this is what was going on with me. He thought the..baby you ok's and do you need anythings were enough. This time for me they weren't. I felt he didn't care or me nor her were of any importance to him.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: LimboLove] #2369263
07/21/13 12:11 AM
07/21/13 12:11 AM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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LimboLove  Offline OP
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Is there anything I need to do to get more input on this post ? I seem to be off moderation now; but no input since then. I'm really looking for some good insight, pretty soon though.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: LimboLove] #2369514
07/22/13 03:10 AM
07/22/13 03:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 243
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Thumpered Offline
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Sorry limbo, I try not to log in much over the weekends, I just need to take a break from it all here and there.

It sounds like your doing a lot of projecting on the situation, meaning you/we need to get better at the detachment. If any thoughts start off with "He did this ...." or "He did that...", then your thinking about it too much.

When you get it down, that will be more like "I did XXXXX today"
I know how hard it is to keep focused, heck I've blown it so many times with my patience. But hang tough, let time work its magic.

Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: Thumpered] #2369753
07/22/13 05:38 PM
07/22/13 05:38 PM
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MrBond Offline
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But the problem is that you had and continue to have "expectations" of what he should be doing for you or how he should be. You are not letting him be his own man and that's what he doesn't like. Put it this way. Would you like him to tell you what he "expects" out of you? No one wants to live by someone else's expectations.

If he CHOOSES to learn about what you "like" and CHOOSES to act a certain way because it makes you happy, then that's better. But don't have expectations for how you THINK he should be acting.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: MrBond] #2369783
07/22/13 06:30 PM
07/22/13 06:30 PM
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
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RealityTrip Offline
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Posts: 453
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Hi Limbo. Glad you are here. So sorry for all you are going through. Have you read DB or DR yet?


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: Thumpered] #2370678
07/25/13 03:32 AM
07/25/13 03:32 AM
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Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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LimboLove  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Thumpered
Sorry limbo, I try not to log in much over the weekends, I just need to take a break from it all here and there.

It sounds like your doing a lot of projecting on the situation, meaning you/we need to get better at the detachment. If any thoughts start off with "He did this ...." or "He did that...", then your thinking about it too much.

When you get it down, that will be more like "I did XXXXX today"
I know how hard it is to keep focused, heck I've blown it so many times with my patience. But hang tough, let time work its magic.


Thanks. Tips like this is what I need. A lot of times I don't notice stuff. So in working on me. Knowing and hearing these little things im doing from another person's view of me is helpful.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
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