I will be pulling back more and more. I haven't been doing that, because I truly wanted to save this marriage, or at very least give it a second chance.
One of the great ironies of saving your M is the harder you try, the less likely you are to save it. Anything you do to save the M is just perceived by the WAS as pressure and it drives them farther away. The LBS has to work on themselves, when they start becoming strong, independent and confident again it's then that the WAS may look back.
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I am just now beginning to realize that is never going to happen, and therefore I must change the focus to the life ahead of me. I can't keep putting my hope in the possibility that wife will come back. She isn't coming back.
It's impossible to tell whether she'll come back or not, it's too early to know that. But if you have to believe that in order to save yourself then perhaps you should assume that.
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My marriage is done. I feel completely broken, and emotionally drained.
Try to think of it as one chapter closing and another opening. Because that's what it is NO MATTER WHAT. Even if your W changed her mind this afternoon and said she wanted to reconcile, it's still not a continuation of the last chapter. That chapter is closed, slam it shut with a thud and grieve it's ending, and make yourself a blank slate to write the next chapter on. Be like a child full of wonder and awe at what's ahead!
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I just want some peace and happiness back in my life.
Then put it there, because that is completely under your control.
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How do I go dark without becoming distant and cold?
Let me ask you this- if you're 100% sure your M is over as you've said, how would you respond to the above question?
Today is another one of those days. I surely wish I was able to put all this good advice into a productive application, to find my happiness again. It is all ringing true in my ears. I just can't put it to work in my heart.
Today, MIL, SIL and her children are spending the morning/afternoon sitting pool side at my business. MIL is here to babysit daughter while wife works. I get to looks them in the eye and smile while I work my tail off. When wife gets off, MIL will go home and wife will take daughter to OM's house. I don't know why, but I can't find any peace in that. It just upsets me. I keep trying to tell myself, "it's just emotion. It will pass". It does pass, but shortly after it comes back in another form. I just can't stop fixating on it, no matter how hard I try....I just gotta keep telling myself, I will get there.
Here is the reason I feel the marriage is over. It's been almost 9 months, not a crazy long time, but not short term either. During the separation, wife has been ADIMENT that she is never coming back. We have not had ANY of those moments where feelings are shared, regrets are expressed, nothing. She wants out, and she has since day one. Furthermore, she says that she has been extremely unhappy for a very long time. Why on Earth would she choose to come back? she knows in her mind that her loneliness and depression about the marriage wasn't just a short term flash in the pan. It lasted for years and years. Also, she is completely starting her new life. She has all new friends, all new activities, and a new man in her life. She is becoming attached to his family and her new circle of friends. She has expressed to me that she is happy, content and having fun. Why would she want to give that up? Finances don't seem to be a concern for her. Living conditions don't seem to bother her. She appears perfectly happy being a part time Mom. What would her incentive be to return? I don't think she will, based on all of the above. I don't think most WAS ever come back, for these very reasons. I believe a WAS that returns, had a deeper connection to the LBS, or they had a lesser reason for leaving and staying gone in the first place. I think a WAS that returns is probably very rare. My wife is on the far end of being detached and moved on. She is not wavering in her choices, at least not any longer. She is already gone, at least in my opinion.
I don't have much to add, but I'd like to hear what others think. Especially any former WAS. I kind of feel like this, except I get a strong feeling, like an undercurrent or some kind of buzz that I just can't identify, that my W isn't really as happy or independent as she's trying to make out. I always say "maybe I'm delusional, but that's the feeling I get."
I think their happiness is part of the illusion or delusion. When I first took off, i wanted everyone to think I was having the time of my life and the world was perfect.
What the truth was is that I dated a bunch of women to prove I was manly. What my mental state was was a sort of tunnel vision. Before I started to come to grips with anything, I had never been angrier, more miserable, or more unsatisfied with my life than I had ever been.
How could that be? I had my dream job... I was away from my wife... I was out of Minnesota... These were the things that I swore were the roots of ALL my problems. I would have bet dollars to donuts that my life was going to perfect.
What I found was that I could run away from issues and people but I could not run away from myself.
I think this is what a lot of WAS find but are just too afraid or prideful to admit it. It is no fun eating crow and admitting that you made a serious error in judgement. Ego and pride are key killers in a lot of relationships for a myriad of reasons.
SP, sorry if I hijacked your thread but it was to illustrate a point. Nine months is not a long time. In the big picture, it is but a blip. Sometimes with you I think of an old saying... "Your actions are speaking so loudly I can not hear what your mouth is saying."
Attitude, thoughts, and emotions create an aura. People can and do feel that aura that you project. That is why we gravitate towards some people and get bad ju ju from others. we can all fake a happy face but you can't fake the vibes you put out.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
During the separation, wife has been ADIMENT that she is never coming back. We have not had ANY of those moments where.... regrets are expressed, nothing.
SP,
Just my $.02. You gotta get rid of any expectations. She may NEVER express regret. Don't have any expectations and don't steer conversations toward making her feel guilty. Just try your hardest to let it go. Try to stop thinking about how she should feel or act... I know it's hard.
Good luck!
M:46 W:46 M:25;T:29 S:25; D:17 BD:12/22/12 D process begun:1/21/13 W moves out:3/1/2013
Anyone who isn't embarrassed of who they were last year probably isn't learning enough- Alain De Botton
I don't know what you feel. I won't pretend to, either. I can only attest to what and how I feel. However, I can and do emphasize with your feelings.
Sometimes, I feel helpless. I feel like there is no hope. I feel like I have lost the best relationship I ever had. Maybe i did. Maybe not. I looked but my crystal ball is broken right now and the warranty ran out, dang it all.
What I am doing is working on ME. I have enough stuff on my plate to get my mind off what is happening with her. I have a house to clean. I have to find a job. I have to worry about a mortgage and a truck payment. I have my dog to take care of.
All in all, life is getting better even without my W being here. Yes, I miss her. I would love to have what we had once. However, those days are gone. There is no turning back the clock.
You have your work. You have your house. Most importantly, you have your daughter. She needs her Daddy to be strong. She needs to feel the manly vibes coming out from you.
You can do this, brother. I am sure of it.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Have you been successful at making a appt with a T or a Dr. yet?
Can you come up with a goal for yourself- One that you are 100% in control of the outcome?
You are too good a man to trudge through the depression muck more then you have too....Talk to the T and/or Dr about A.D's . Im not trying to push- its MUCH better to be pro-active and keeps you in control.
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
suckerpunch, just letting you know I am in the same time period. My W BDropped 9 months ago. In those 9 months we have had very little (see all of my topics) communication, either text, face to face, email or phone. We haven't had any talks about us, what went wrong (apart from the first few weeks) or the future. She has constantly (in the few times we have communicated) confirmed it is over, doesn't want reconciliation, no MC and she wants to move on. Then out of the blue last weekend she initiates a text. The day before my reply to the solicitor about our assets being divided. During our meeting, I find out she isn't the happy, new life type person she made herself out to be. She looked unhappy and emotional. She hasn't made any changes in moving on, or improving herself mentally. And I think that is the whole point of DB. We the LBS start to improve ourselves. Some go the whole extreme and work on their diet, fitness, looks (clothes, haircut etc), but mostly we work on our mental self. That is the change they see and others see (family, friends) see. That is a big thing when they are not working on themselves. They see a new us, a better us, while they still struggle with just blaming us for what has happened. So suckerpunch, while I don't have OM to worry about, I still have the same time period as you. My long term (at this stage) is to simply think: My W had to deal with my faults/complaints for many years, so why the heck can I not put up with her faults (walking away) for some time?
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
