DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

I posted for help about 2 months ago. (thread is no longer avail.)I got various advice and followed the majority of it.
I used many of the DB LRT/180 changes I read in the DB/DR books and suggestions of posters here. Unfortunately everything seemed to backfire with my H

My sitch briefly:
August 2012 H said he was unhappy
H's complaints about me: I didn't compliment him enough, felt like room-mates, no intimate touching, we didn't do many activities together b/c I am a home body, H wanted me to have more friends b/c him being my closest friend was a lot of pressure, I've said things over the years that were hurtful to him.

My complaints about H (though I'd still like to make things work): Hid smoking and drinking from me until we married (We were in a long distance relationship. I felt lied to & hurt, this hurt snowballed into heated arguments), he talks to many of his female co-workers by phone and text though I've never seen anything inappropriate I do not like it, he never seems to go out of his way to do things for me as I do for him (for example, I take care of the car I drive w/ oil changes etc, I wanted to feel "taken care of" more, just by him doing simple things for me), H has said many hurtful things over the years as well.

We did 5 counseling sessions before having to move apart b/c of his job. Counseling dug up issues, did not give solutions.
A week after counseling we had to move apart because of previous plans made before he announced he was unhappy.

So for the past 7 months my H and I have been living in 2 different states because of his travel job. All was well, but then we had a negative visit in January, but we moved past it, so I thought. Then when we saw each other again in April when he visited, he stated he loved me, he'd die for me, but was no longer in love & maybe we shouldn't be together. He went back home to his job site. 2 weeks later I discovered DB & this forum.

I stopped perusing, begging, calling, texting, I gave him space. When he did call me I did not talk about us, we had wonderful friendly conversations, but I made sure to be the one to end the conversations after about 45 mins.
I start focusing on me, working out, GAL, conquering fears & taking risks. I did ask to come visit him but he rejected me.


Almost 2 months passed of me DB'ing and he finally came to visit me 3 weeks ago.

He noticed I looked great. He said I looked just as I did when we start dating, he also noticed all my changes, GAL, new friends, conquered fears----- he said "you were able to do all there great things with out me". It showed him I'm better off with out him? Geez ---backfired.

He brought up my giving him space over the last 2 months, he asked why and said he never asked for space and that space actually helped him to emotionally move further away. When he did call me, we would talk for a while and then I'd say I had something to do, that made him feel like i didn't want to talk. *sigh* ---- backfired.

I told him I gave him space and didn't call b/c of advice I got from a variety of sources, he said "why would any advise some one not to call their spouse/give space?!" I felt like my brain was going to explode.

DB may not have worked how I as hoping it would with my H, but DB has helped me to make a personal changes that were needed w/ GAL etc.. I really wish it worked with my H, though. It just wasn't meant to be I guess??????


More about what happened on his visit here for those interested:
The first day he was here, he brought "us" up, with out my prompting (I actually didn't expect to talk about us in the first day of him being here, let alone the first hour of him being here)..... he said I looked great and have accomplished so much with out him and it helped him to remain set on leaving me b/c it seems like I do better with out him.

I did not cry, I stayed strong and I followed through with plans I made for the rest of the week we went hiking, stayed in a cabin 2 days, went to the movies, festivals, I invited one of my new friends over to eat dinner with us, I cooked his favorite meals etc...

He enjoyed everything, said we were like best friends again and it was the closest we've been in years. But it didn't change his wanting to leave, he said I only planned these things b/c of the situation we're in . By the middle of the week, I finally decided to bring us up on my own terms, I spoke calmly. I basically talked about my ideas on marriage, how we hadn't gone about it properly and how I now have the tools to properly work on things and I thought we could be successful this time around; it ended with him saying he's not even willing to give us a little more time to work things out.

After spending 5 days with me (staying at my parents home) having fun doing various things, he wanted to go see his family 2 hours away; because he needed to get away from seeing my family hurt and sad because of his decision.

So I drove with him 2 hours away, went to his aunt's home for a little and then to breakfast with him and I drove back home alone.

I spent the next 3 days in bed. Doing nothing. Sad that everything I'd done seemingly failed. (He didn't know about this though)

Then a got a 2nd wind and decided to take a leap of faith and ask him if I could drive back up there to see him and we could spend July 4th together, then I would return home the next day. He texted back and surprisingly said "Sure you can" then followed up with a text that "we're still family".

The "We're still family" killed my confidence and I said, I'm sorry for asking I got a little over excited; maybe it's best for me not to come.

He text'd back "no no come, my aunt really wants to see you. you can stay with me at my sisters and we'll both go back home togheter on tuesday" so I told him I'd think about it, b/c now my 2 day July 4th trip would be a 6 day trip if I stayed until tuesday as he suggested.

I decided to go, because maybe he had a change of heart since he doesn't mind being around me 6 days? We've NEVER stayed more than a day or two around his family; b/c he never wanted me to see "how they are" b/c we have totally different backgrounds and he's always assumed I'd be uncomfortable. So I took this as an opportunity to do a 180 and show him I am comfortable around his family and we could have a good time.

So I went, everything was well over his Aunt's house, he introduced me as his wife to every one there. Everything was great until it was time to go and his Aunt hugged me and said "be strong, there are two sides to every story, you'll make it through this..."..... O GOD, he's told everyone he's leaving me? Sheesh. (After leaving, I told H his aunt said something that made me realize he's told everyone...he said yes, he did tell he, his cousin and mother. But did not tell his step-grandmother and says he doesn't ever plan to tell her. No one he told talks to her much, his family is VERY disconnected. So I guess he thinks he's pass away before she finds out and is disappointed? He then went on to say that nobody cares about "his feelings", that the majority of his family told him not to divorce me; he said it seems like they care more about me than him.)

He'd been with his aunt for 5 days and didn't see his sister at all yet b/c he had no way to get to the other side of town; and I assume she didn't offer to pick him up? So now that I am there w/ a car he's able to go to her house and we're to stay there.

I walk in and say hello to the sister. No eye contact from her, no hug, she just says "Hi, How are you Mimi?" and before I even get a response out she says "good" and keeps walking. She gives us an air mattress to pump up, no pillows, and a simple sheet to sleep under. So, my strength started to break, felt awkward. H noticed I was uncomfortable, I told him to let it go; I didn't even say anything was wrong, but he was angry and spoke to his sister about her behavior.

Day 2 at the sisters, I decided to GAL while there, so H and his sister could be alone and so I could just get away. I met up with a friend and took H's expensive new sunglasses to get fixed at a Len's crafters early in the morning (they were broken the night before at the July 4th gathering by some children, and he was very upset about it, so I figured it would be a nice gesture to have them fixed and surprise him).

I text H to see what they are doing he said they were about to leave to go to breakfast, I was just around the corner so I pull up, give him his glasses, but didn't know what to do since they planned to go to breakfast without me. H asked me to go, but I felt a bit emotional, so I told them to go ahead continue enjoying their time, I'd go back out and about.

Shortly after I got a text from H saying maybe I should go back home because they'd be spending the entire day out and about. I told him I know I messed up by acting awkward about the breakfast but I was fine and wanted to stay.

We all met back up again an hour or so later. The sister went to the movies with her son, that left me and H a chance to talk. He kept pressing the issue of maybe I should go back home.... I said it's only saturday, we're supposed to stay until tuesday, but it sounds like you no longer want me here? H seemingly got frustrated and said "here we go, I didn't say I don't want you here" So then I was confused on why he kept suggesting I go back.... I said I could stay in a hotel instead of at the sisters. He said no that wouldn't be right and it's a waste of money. So I said "what are my options?" he said "what to you think you should do in this situation"

I told him I already made plans with a friend and she was picking my up to go out in 3 hours (at 6pm), I really wanted to see her. So I will just pack my bags, hang out with her, and then go back home.

His sister returned, she took her dog for a walk, so I walked to the store at the corner of the street to get something to drink. I text H and asked if any one else wanted anything. He called and said, we are about to leave, what are you going to do? I asked what do you mean, I told him a friend was picking me up in just a few hours to hang out.

So we hang up, 5 mins later I'm back at the home, he comes out doors and says every one has been waiting on me, they are ready to leave (go to an outlet mall 45 mins away)so what am I going to do. I said "can I stay here at the house and lock the door when I leave in 2 hours?" he said no, the sister is funny about leaving her extra key with people. So I said "I guess I have no other options, I will leave now". He acted frustrated and while walking away said "I don't like the way this is going". I again asked, what are the other options?

He went in, put my bags in the car. I got in my car and started to pull off. Then I stopped, went back inside as I decided not to be rude, I went up to his sister and thanked her for allowing me to stay at her home. She's never really talked to me over the 4 years of our marriage (none of his family has visited us in the 4 years of our marriage, we lived in another state, so I never got to know them well), but at this moment she says "let me talk to you" she took me in a room and closed the door and said she knows there has been tension for the last few days and it's because of her PMS, she's never gotten in to our business etc...and she tried to talk to me over the years when we'd visit, but I was quiet so she gave up and stopped talking to me (not true, last visit, we went to a wedding, my H was in the bridal party, so me and sister were together the entire day, laughing & joking)

I told her, in my eyes there was no tension...and I asked H not to say anything, but obviously he did. (she then repeated her self that she wasn't tryign to cause tension etc..)So I moved on and I said I just wanted to thank her for allowing me to stay in her home over the last few years. I asked her for a hug and said God Bless.

I was very diss-appointed in her. She's 40 years old, 10 years older than me. She's been divorced before. I thought she was pulling me into the room to say something that had a little wisdom involved in it, plus she's a social worker, so maybe she wasn't going to show compassion? But no, she was only concerned with her self and clearing her actions.

[Mimi00]

After than I left. 30 mins later, H only concerned with himself too, texts me and asks if he should find another place to stay when his sister drives him home tomorrow. I said No. The later told him there are some things that need to be discussed for moving forward so it's best he stay with me at the house. I decided to show the kindness that I was not shown at their home.

I met up with my friends, I decided to enjoy the rest of my time and not go home as H suggested, I stayed the night over my friends house. H's sister drove him back to my parents home the next morning. I drove home alone and arrived later in the after noon.

H spent the entire day away from home and came back around 11pm. I was in my room. He came in and spoke, I told him what happened the day before with him pressuring my to leave on my own accord, instead of simply saying he wanted me to go was wrong of him and he needs to say what he means and not beat around the bush. He said ok. He then said he wants to go to the domestic relations court the next day and get whatever info we need to start the process for dissolution, fill the paperwork out then file before he leaves.

I kindly told him I looked up the reasons you site for divorce and the definition of dissolution and neither apply to me (as I want to work on the marriage). H gave a weird smirk and kind of laughed and asked what did I mean. I said I meant exactly what I stated. He smirked and said it I didn't want to cooperate for dissolution, he'll just go the divorce route. He got up and went to his room. About 10 mins later he came back and laid on the floor in my room and went to sleep. Kind of odd. He slept until about 4 am then when back to his room.

The next day I rode to the courts with him and then to the law library so he could get copies of the paper work needed for dissolution. I told him again I didn't agree. He expressed his frustration..... and then I threw in the towel and told him whatever he wants I'll do. I'm tired of fighting alone and he seems set on his decision with out even giving us a fair chance to be together (since we've been apart for the last 6 months b/c of his job), even for a few more weeks, to work on anything.


Things got busy Tuesday, so I asked him if he could give me just a little time before filing. Things felt so rushed. In April he said "maybe we shouldn't be together", May & June I did DB and avoided talking about us, July he shows up with his mind already set on leaving.

So he decided we didn't have to file right now. He said over the next few weeks we'll figure out the paper work then he'll fly back in to file, then fly back in for the court hearing. I cooked again tuesday, his favorite foods and invited one of his good friends to join us. It was nice. Last night we packed up his stuff. He had no physical pictures of us with him, so I made him a book of photos with his own personal pics and then some of ours from when we were dating until now; as I'm no longer following any rules. We laid together and fell asleep. I dropped him off at the airport this morning. Since I spent the last two months not saying "i love you" following advice, I decided my last one as I hugged him goodbye. He said it in return.

I'm so hurt, but so tired of crying. I feel like I'm all out of options and resource. I guess at this point I should just let him go? What else can I do?

Reasons H said he's leaving:
He's taken care of others all his life, and he wants to focus on himself finally. He's damaged b/c of his past and now b/c of our relationship. He's the happiest he's ever been with where he is in life but his heart is back to the "old him" who he was long before we met (I'm not sure what he means by that. I deserve better, he can no longer love me any more like I need to be loved. He wanted us to work badly over the years but I was "checked out" in his opinion, and now that I'm checked-in and ready to work on us, it's too late--he no longer has any fight for us left inside of him--he's tried everything.

He says by divorcing he will be the one starting from scratch, with no family or support. I have family and support, I will be ok. He has nothing. (he doesn't want the burden of our belongings to he's letting me have it all; whoopie for me *sarcasm*. I have been staying with my parents, waiting on his travel job assignment to end, I barely make $400 every two weeks. H makes $2,000+ every two weeks; but he doesn't see that, he says the money means nothing to him and he's only focused on me having "family/support" as being my saving grace)

I told him my family (unlike his family) has treated him like their own. My parents made a point to visit us several times a year. My father has helped him purchase a car, bought him a new laptop; whatever he needed we were there for him. His family didn't even give him/us the time of day unless we went to visit them. He now realizes all his family does is take and he says he's cutting him self off from everyone for the next 6 months. If they don't care about him he doesn't care about them.

Everyone says not to believe anything the WAS says, so I don't know if I should believe him or not for his reasoning.


I'm drained from this entire situation. So i guess I've given up?

[MrBond]

First of all, the DB didn't backfire. You got yourself healthy and in shape and in a much better mental attitude.

Second, you stopped posting your progress. The more you progress, the more your situation changes. It would have been important to continue posting so that your strategy could have been adjusted. You see what doors have been opened and keep going.

Let's face it, you said your H has been much nicer than before. That's all positive DB. Just because your H has not said he wants to come back is not because of DB or you. It's him.

Right now he's playing the "oh woe is me" card because he sees you doing so well. What's important is that you not fall into that trap. He's doing that to draw you back in to him. He's still blame shifting and saying that it's YOUR fault he hasn't come back (because you don't need him). To try to continue control over you. It happens here all the time.

Don't do that. You can drop a bone over to him every now and then, but only on YOUR terms. You have the power now.

[Mimi00]

First of all, the DB didn't backfire. You got yourself healthy and in shape and in a much better mental attitude.

Yes, it worked for me. I guess its the fact that the things I did on purpose, he noticed them all and they all had a negative reaction from him. So that's why I say they backfired on him.

Second, you stopped posting your progress. The more you progress, the more your situation changes. It would have been important to continue posting so that your strategy could have been adjusted. You see what doors have been opened and keep going.

The time I had to DB before he arrived was short, so i was hard to see what worked and what didn't in the 6-7 week period. I felt I was depending on the forum too much so I backed away in the 2 weeks before he arrived. It was already too late, he already made his mind a while ago, so I don't think anything I would have done would've "worked". I thought my GAL'ing was a breakthrough with him, but it's sad he took it the way he did. I feel like he's depressed, or had low self image right now.

Let's face it, you said your H has been much nicer than before. That's all positive DB. Just because your H has not said he wants to come back is not because of DB or you. It's him.

Yes, I know that even though he blames me for a portion of the reason he's leaving, he also tells me not to blame my self, that it's him and not me (I was wondering if he's playing with my head, or just trying to back away nicely by saying it's not me, so I "heal & move one" and he won't feel any guilt?).

I know this for myself as well though, what happened in the relationship should not equate divorce (at least in my opinion). He's looking at a few negatives that could have been fixed, especially now that I have so many tools that I can share with him. There were so many positives in our relationship. And the fact that I gave up a lot of my dreams to help him stay focused his own, which led him to where he is now: living a dream doing things he'd never thought he'd do, making way more money than he should w/ his years experience. The fact he doesn't acknowledge us being together helped steer him to where he is right now, where he claims to be so happy to be, absolutely crazy. I see something isn't right with in him, I just wish I could understand more of what is going on in his head.

Right now he's playing the "oh woe is me" card because he sees you doing so well. What's important is that you not fall into that trap. He's doing that to draw you back in to him. He's still blame shifting and saying that it's YOUR fault he hasn't come back (because you don't need him). To try to continue control over you. It happens here all the time.

Don't do that. You can drop a bone over to him every now and then, but only on YOUR terms. You have the power now.

Can you explain that point further? If he doesn't want me, why would he want to draw me back in?

Had we not gotten to busy and stressed to finish and file the paper work, I was just going to go along with it and sign and file just so he could be free. I am also just so over wanting someone who saying they no longer want me. Now that we didn't file and he's going to come back and file in a few weeks/months, I am not sure what I should do?

While DB'ing I wanted to call and text, but now after seeing how stern he is with his decision and him telling everyone, I have no desire to call and text, I'm not even sad. I'm just here. Wondering where life will take me. Everyone thinks it's strange I'm so calm, even laughing about some of the foolish things that have happened as of late.

H kept telling me "you're handling this so well". I knew I had to be strong b/c I didn't want my presence to = stress, I wanted to = peace. I wasn't perfect, I did get emotional at times and did cry, but I sucked it up with in a few moments. So even though H was standing there telling me he doesn't want to be with me, I replied in love & understanding. (totally different than I would have a few months ago lol)

He's planning that we do the dissolution paperwork through phone/computer with me, then when we have it all settled he'll fly in so we can sign and file them. It will be interesting to see what happens in the next few weeks, if he pushes getting them done or what.

Deep down inside I still have one small seed of hope left: that he'll see the light, and see we could heal together and move forward but I just have no energy access it.

So I'm not sure what I should do at this point? I've started looking at jobs in a new city and my old supervisor happened to email me today, so I asked if there were any open positions. I'm waiting on her response. If so, maybe I will go back to where we moved from. There is no point in me sticking around where I am, we moved here b/c it's slower paced, cheaper cost of living and we planned to start a family
after his traveling job was over. But now, no point in being here, and this is where we got married, so everything reminds me of that day

[MrBond]

"Yes, it worked for me. I guess its the fact that the things I did on purpose, he noticed them all and they all had a negative reaction from him. So that's why I say they backfired on him. "

I still don't understand why you keep saying that they had a "negative" affect on your H. Have you read any other of the sitches on here where the spouses are abusive, venomous and critical? Your efforts had a positive affect even if he's not pounding on the door to get back together again. It got ride of negative tension. That's step one.

" I felt I was depending on the forum too much so I backed away in the 2 weeks before he arrived. It was already too late, he already made his mind a while ago, so I don't think anything I would have done would've "worked"."

Yes they would have. In fact, ALL WAS say that "it's too late" and how they thought about it "for years", etc. If you bothered to continue posting, you would learn that was all part of the script and could have come up with a plan for when he did arrive. In fact, you should not have been so available to him.

He noticed how you looked and how your attitude changed. Next was to show him that even though you want the M to work out, you don't NEED him. While at dinner with him, you could have excused yourself to text someone or had an arrangement of flowers at home. Something to show that you're a woman of worth. Inviting the friend over was a negative. It should have been just between you and him.

"(I was wondering if he's playing with my head, or just trying to back away nicely by saying it's not me, so I "heal & move one" and he won't feel any guilt?)."

He is playing with your head. It's a way of him controlling the situation. He wants to stay in control. YOU have to show him that you have a mind of your own and will not take all the blame for the failure of your M.

"H kept telling me "you're handling this so well". I knew I had to be strong b/c I didn't want my presence to = stress, I wanted to = peace. I wasn't perfect, I did get emotional at times and did cry, but I sucked it up with in a few moments. So even though H was standing there telling me he doesn't want to be with me, I replied in love & understanding. (totally different than I would have a few months ago lol)"

You handled it very well.

I can tell you one thing. If he had seen you with another guy, he would immediately get angry and call you names and say that you're not "honoring" the M. Again, it's more control.

[T1000]

The fact that you improved after he left will have surprised him.
How would you feel if after you left him he became in tip top shape, happy and independent?

If you had done the opposite of what you did you wouldn't have got in shape, you would be miserable with your life and you would have pursued him into pushing you away even more.

When I first came here. I made a few posts and then went by blindly not adjusting to the situation. My W would say that she thought I wasn't interested anymore and my actions would most likely show that. She may have wanted me to chase, beg and plead for her. If I did that after she left the marriage what sort of message would send?
My sitch has been up and down and all over the place. Right now my R with W is way down but to a certain degree I am way up. I also have the backing of my supporters on here that help guide me on my journey.

As I look at my sitch right now, my W is the one with issues she needs to deal with just like your H is now. If she can't see that I have changed for the better and continue to better myself then that will be her loss.
I want to stay M to my W but not a the expense of myself.

Keep posting and work on yourself.

[Mimi00]

He noticed how you looked and how your attitude changed. Next was to show him that even though you want the M to work out, you don't NEED him. While at dinner with him, you could have excused yourself to text someone or had an arrangement of flowers at home. Something to show that you're a woman of worth. Inviting the friend over was a negative. It should have been just between you and him.

One of the silly hurtful things I said to him 2 years ago (out of anger) was "I can do better on my own". Thus, he heard: "I don't need him". So he already feels that I don't need him...and I'm better off with out him. So I'm not sure how I could've done that with out him recalling the past???

Inviting the friend over was a negative. It should have been just between you and him.

H left his phone charger in the friends car by mistake the night before, so the friend drove 45 mins in traffic just to bring it to him; so I told him to tell the friend to stay for dinner as well since he went out of his way just to bring the car charger to H.

He is playing with your head. It's a way of him controlling the situation. He wants to stay in control. YOU have to show him that you have a mind of your own and will not take all the blame for the failure of your M.

I will work on this, but I do own up to my faults, and have continued to (I don't feel everything was my fault, but I have the habit of only seeing my self now. I know I can't control others I can only control me, so my mistakes is what I focus on when discussing "us" now). So maybe I should stop since I've said my apologies numerous times?

When I do say the things I've done, he will even say "it's not all your fault, there are things I could've done better..... I am the one giving up, I guess I'm just not strong enough?"

I didn't know how to respond to that.

Keep posting and work on yourself.

Thanks, I will try my best.

H said I made all these improvements with out him and he needs to work on him self now. He's been taking care of others all his life, now it's time to just worry about himself.

I told him, yes when I made the improvements we were in different cities, but were were still married. He doesn't have to get rid of me to improve himself, that's BS!

I believe I've noticed a pattern with him:
Before we met, he had hard times with his mother, she always depends on him for things. He got sick of her and went to live with a girlfriend (who he dated before me). When they broke up he went back to supporting/living with his mother.

When we initially were getting to know each other, he was down south, supporting his mother who made him drive her around, pay bills, cut the grass yet she did not praise him for working and supporting her; she gave all the positive attention to his no good brother.

He was miserable, then he began to fly up north to the "big city" to visit me and he loved it. I took care of him, cooked meals, took him to art exhibits, showed him things he'd never seen before. He loved it....and grew to love me. I didn't realize it before, but he ran away from his misery there, to his "happy" life with me.

So we get married, we are forced to move from the "big city" into the suburbs b/c he got a job there. I gave up my plans/dreams and supported him by moving with no complaints. Life wasn't as fun in the middle of no where, an hour away from the city. He felt pressure with me having not having a job, said mean things, thought I married him just to live off him and not work (he won't admit to saying this now), things started going down hill w/in the first year of marriage. I never felt like #1 in his heart, he didn't have money to put in our savings account, but when ever his mother called for money, he had money to give to her. I finally got a job, then all we really did was work for the next 2 years, b/c I was so worried about how he reacted the first year with me not having a job.... year 3 he says we were like roommates but other than that really doesn't ever make any complaints about are marriage or any attempts to be closer, keeps it all to himself, so I thought everything was fine.

Things start to get better between us (at least they did in in my eyes & heart) so I suggest he start traveling for his work b/c that was always his dream. He signed up to travel..... then seemingly out of no where announced he was unhappy, we go to a few counseling sessions, but follow through with already made plans to be separate for his first travel assignment.

So, he moves out to the mountains, he's experiencing new things, snowboarding, going out and about as he pleases, gets a big promotion, he's "happy" (everything he was when he use to escape his down south life to visit me in the "big city"). I visit him in the mountains, the visit doesn't go as well as planned, he told me that was the first negative experience he's had in his new mountain life. So in his mind he now associates me (and our past) with negativity.
It seems he has a pattern of running from what he deems negativity, instead of pushing through or dealing with it and going on a search for "happiness".

The purpose of marriage is not "happiness", happiness is just one of the many benefits. Happiness needs to be inside you, regardless of your surroundings and who is in your life.

He says when he's done with something, he's done.
Nothing will change his mind.
At this point I'm not sure what I should do.... any suggestions? I just planned on moving on and letting him do what's in his heart to do (leave me). It's hard loving someone who says they no longer love you.
So I have no plans to contact him, unless something comes in the mail for him that he needs....

He says he'll support me financially until I feel I'm okay to do it on my own, but I know that will get old for him really quick. Last week he showed me a pic of an expensive truck he plans to purchase in a few months and he says he'll have to get an apartment since he'll be taking a permanent position where he is and his living expenses will no longer be covered (b/c he was a traveling position), and in 3 months he'll probably have to start paying rent of $1,000+

[RoofRackDude]

It seems he has a pattern of running from what he deems negativity, instead of pushing through or dealing with it and going on a search for "happiness".

He says when he's done with something, he's done. Nothing will change his mind.

My W did/said the same stuff. Said she needed to "work on herself," and then stopped IC. One small consolation is that this seems like a common pattern and response. She is very confused/hurt/scared, only looking at the negative and reacting in response to it.

[T1000]

It seems he has a pattern of running from what he deems negativity, instead of pushing through or dealing with it and going on a search for "happiness".

The purpose of marriage is not "happiness", happiness is just one of the many benefits. Happiness needs to be inside you, regardless of your surroundings and who is in your life.

He says when he's done with something, he's done.
Nothing will change his mind.

My wife has said all this.
All I can tell you right now is yes he is done forever, right now.

Doesn't mean he's done forever in 2 months time.

[Mimi00]

It seems he has a pattern of running from what he deems negativity, instead of pushing through or dealing with it and going on a search for "happiness".

The purpose of marriage is not "happiness", happiness is just one of the many benefits. Happiness needs to be inside you, regardless of your surroundings and who is in your life.

He says when he's done with something, he's done.
Nothing will change his mind.

My wife has said all this.
All I can tell you right now is yes he is done forever, right now.

Doesn't mean he's done forever in 2 months time.

If he did come back around to wanting me, even in 2 months time.... I don't know how I'd feel about that.
This has all been really hurtful, to so seemingly easily kick me out of his life plan. I would have never done this to him

Yes I've been confused, hurt, lost, defeated etc... in our marriage. But I never out my happiness/unhappiness in his hands. That was always up to me. For him to make me the cause of his unhappiness is not fair.

So if months pass and he does have a change of heart. I don't know if I'd want to give him a second change, or trust him to not try to leave again. Am I wrong for this?



I send him one text yesterday because an important document came in the mail and I wanted to let him know I was sending it to him (to a po box) so he'd know to look out for it.

He said "okay...thank you"


This morning his sent me a text
"Good morning, I hope things are going okay for you? I'm in the same apartment as before"

an hour later I said

"Hey. Yeah, things have been interesting. I'm at work, so it should be a peaceful day. That's good you're back in your old apartment, don't have to transition yet"


He said

"Yeah, I know"

I then asked if he'd been back to work yet and let him know I got paid a small amount, I used some for gas but there's some left in the joint account if he needed groceries etc... (he went back with not much money and hadn't worked in 3 weeks because he was here, he won't get paid for another 2 weeks.)

He said

"Thanks, yea I stayed and worked the day after I returned and took call. My shower curtain was still hanging up and the rug for the bathroom"

(I bought him the rug and tried to spruce up the place a little bit the one time I visited)

I said

"That's good. Let me know if there's anything you need from the storage here that would be helpful to have or whatever"

(when he left to visit me 3 weeks ago, he was supposed to go to a new location, not back to the same place.... so he go rid of pots and pans etc... b/c it was too much to take on a plane. Now that he's back in the same place he doesn't have the stuff he got rid of and all of our stuff is in storage, but he says I can have it all, he wants nothing. There are pots and pans etc... I could easily send to him though. So I was just trying to be friendly.)

He said

"Okay, thank you"

I didn't text anything back.

Am I being too nice? I really don't know how to be with him, except be his "wife" *sigh*