Circles no more

[shouldistillhope]

Stander,

First off, let me thank you for always taking the time to stop over and set me straight. I have a good set of friends, but have only talked to very few of them about what some of the causes and problems were that led up to this. The reason is, that their first reaction always seems to be "screw her, your better off without her." I just don't feel that way right now, but as time goes by things will begin to get much clearer i suppose.

I am now to the point where my heart is telling me one thing and my brain is telling me the exact opposite. I find myself waffling almost daily. When you tell everyone that it could take months, maybe years for the fog to lift, that is when my brain kicks and tells me that it's not worth waiting years to find out if we can have a second chance. I think i am addicted to the memories of the good times we had. It's too bad that the WAW only remembers the bad.

I was there when XW's dad got married in Vegas, i walked his W down the aisle (his 4th marriage) only to find out that after a few years they also got divorced. They were divorced approximately 6 months to a year and they got back together and remarried again in Vegas while XW and i were there for my 40th birthday. It just doesn't seem like people want to put any effort into working things out anymore until it's beyond too late.

During BD, my XW mentioned this. She talked about down the line if we started getting along better we could always get remarried because it worked for her Dad and his W. Unfortunately, all she has seen growing up was when things aren't going good in a M, it's time to get a divorce.

I want her to realize the consequences of her decisions and we talked on the phone two nights ago about how unhappy she is still living in our house. She wants it sold so she can move to the city because she says she is bored. We talked about moving to the city where we worked when we were M, but she didn't want to leave the small town, and i eventually gave in and so we bought a house in that same small town that she so desperately wants to leave now. It may be wrong of me to think this way, but right now i don't want our house to sell. I want her to have to live there by herself and deal with her decisions. I may seem like an ass for thinking this, but these are some of the feelings i am dealing with.

She already has her new place picked out and it will be ready for her Oct. 1st. She has her plans in place and if our house sells by then, things will just fall in line for her and things will seem so rosy for her then. I hope it doesn't make me sound like a bad person, but i don't want her to always look for the easy way out of everything. She also should have to face her problems like everyone else. I know it sounds a bit petty of me to feel this way, but for right now, these are my feelings.

Stander, i hope to get to a point in my life that you seem to be at right now. I respect how you deal with things in your life and for the immediate future i still hold out hope that maybe down the road we can be a family again. But as each day passes, i almost feel that hope slipping away bit by bit.

Maybe thats a good thing?

[planet]

I am now to the point where my heart is telling me one thing and my brain is telling me the exact opposite. I find myself waffling almost daily. When you tell everyone that it could take months, maybe years for the fog to lift, that is when my brain kicks and tells me that it's not worth waiting years to find out if we can have a second chance. I think i am addicted to the memories of the good times we had. It's too bad that the WAW only remembers the bad.

Hear, hear.
Exactly how I felt most of the times.
It still baffles me that WAW and LBS operates almost similarly around the world.

I wish you the best of luck in your situation.

[shouldistillhope]

Yes Planet, it seems like every time a newcomer joins this discussion we only have to read the first few sentences of their thread and the rest of it we almost could recite word for word. It's too bad everyone here is going through this and it is very tough to hear that things will get better with time when you almost don't believe it.

But working on ourselves and moving on day by day is the only thing we can do right now.

Good luck to you as well.

[shouldistillhope]

Update,

It's funny how time can seem to go by so fast, yet also very slow. Some days it feels like i have been divorced for a year when in reality it has only been a few weeks. I received the final paperwork on my D a couple weeks back, and i never opened the envelope. I just took it and threw it on the counter. Maybe someday i will open it up for a reminder of where i had to come from as far as trying to get through this, but not now.

A few things have happened since the last time i posted. Had a coworker pass away in a fire who i used to be somewhat close to. I used to have to work with her on a daily basis, but lately we had grown quite distant. She had started making some bad decisions in her life and ended up getting fired within the last 2 weeks. Last week we found out she had died.

I texted XW that i would not be able to pick up the kids on Friday as i usually do but instead i would be picking them up on Saturday since my coworker's funeral was on Saturday. XW did not know anything about her death, but she knew her as well since i had mentioned working with her a few times when XW and i were still married.

XW asked if it was alright if she came to the city on saturday to drop off the kids if i was willing to drive out to her house yesterday to bring them back. That was fine with me, so we agreed on that. I texted her later and asked if we could get together to talk about the situation with our house. It hasn't sold yet, and there hasn't been any offers on it. It's now time for me to move on and move out of my sisters basement and get a place of my own. This would work out great for me and my kids having my own place so they can have a new "normal"

The problem is, if my name is still on the mortgage on our house, i can't get a new mortgage for a place of my own. XW agreed to talk, so i texted her and asked if she wanted to meet for lunch to exchange the boys and talk about refinancing the house to her name. She didn't reply. On Saturday when it was time to meet her to pick up the kids they were eating at a fast food restaurant when i met them and they were almost finished when i got there. I sat down for a couple minutes to give them time to get done eating when XW asked what i wanted to talk about. I didn't want to discuss it at the end of their meal and told her we could talk about it sunday when i dropped the kids off. She rolled her eyes at me and said "whatever".

I didn't want to discuss it in the middle of a noisy fast food restaurant with only 5 minutes to do so. There are alot of things to consider and it is going to take a bit of time to discuss all the options and it just wasn't going to work at that time.

Yesterday before i left to bring the kids back i texted her and asked her if she would consider refinancing the house in her name since interest rates are going up and i was looking to move into my own place soon. Again she did not reply.

She has gone very cold lately, only texting me when i need to give her a check for daycare or insurance or the like. It has basically been this way since i moved out. I see absolutely no progress or even a hint of us working towards anything in the future so i guess no expectations means more to me every day.

She doesn't want to open up to me about anything, and that's okay, i don't need her to either. It is hard to hold onto hope with the way things are progressing right now. I have accepted the fact that i am divorced. I have asked for forgivness, i have taken the blame where i needed to and i have also aplogized to XW for all the times I have hurt her. It's hard to admit to myself, but it is now time for me to move on with my life while knowing she won't be a part of it. Life doesn't turn out like those sappy romance movies she used to make me watch.

The one thing i am holding onto however, is the fact that someday, i would like an apology from her. I don't expect one from her nor will i ever ask for one or demand it. That will be something she will have to do from her own heart, and i don't forsee it happening. That was one thing she always had a hard time doing when we were M. It was tough for her to admit she was wrong and when she was, she didn't want to aplogize at all.

I am tired of having hurt feelings. I am sick of feeling like i was a lousy husband and i no longer want to let it affect my self esteem. I still have that hope left in my heart, but it really doesn't seem to be leading me anywhere. I have been going the n/c route for quite some time now unless it has to do with my kids and i have also become quite a bit more mysterious when we do interact, but like i said, it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

If i have any more news to share in the future, i will certainly do so.

[PatientMan]

Is the house/mortgage in the divorce agreement? If so, give it some time, but stop ASKING her to refinance and TELL her you will be taking your name off the mortgage.

-PM

[shouldistillhope]

That is the problem. There is no TELLING her i will be taking my name off the mortgage since there are only two ways to remove your name from a mortgage.

1. Sell the house. This is the easiest most desired method.
2. Refinance the house in her name. She would have to qualify for a new loan and be able to take over the payments and also give me half the equity built up in the house. If she doesn't qualify for a new loan, then i am stuck. It is in our D paperwork that if the house doesn't sell by next July, 2014 she has to make every effort to refinance the house in her name, but if she can't qualify for a loan on her own, i am not sure what we are going to do.

These are the only ways to get your name off a mortgage. I am already nervous about the fact that if she can't make the payment one month, it could severely affect my credit and ability to get my own loan down the road. I would then have to come up with money to cover rent and mortgage on our house.

Time seems to be an enemy right now. I am hoping she will be willing to consider trying to move that date up and refinance now instead of waiting for next year. I guess we will see how it goes.

[sweetbabyred]

Hi Hope,

It's been a few days since I've been online, so I wanted to answer the questions you posted on my thread on yours to ensure you'd see them.


I moved to this forum yesterday and just had a chance to catch up on your thread. I have often wondered if i would get a "sign" from God or if i was just too blind to see what is right there in front of me. For now, i think i am supposed to be patient and wait for it.

At this point, I'm just being patient too. The only "sign" I've gotten is that I'll get my answer, but I need to be patient, so I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do.

It seems like you do quite a bit of things to stay busy and i need to get to that place myself.

Because I'm not sure what to do with my xh, I'm keeping myself busy. Church gives me hope and takes my mind off my sitch for a few hours, so that helps too.

Just wondering if you feel like your XH is trying to keep you around for a plan B if things don't work out for him. If you do have those feelings, how do you deal with them and still hold out hope for a reconciliation someday?

It depends on the day, but I honestly don't think he thinks of me as a plan b. I think he's confused about what/who he wants and he knows that I'm good for him and I care about him. He has a lot of issues he needs to work on and until he does that, there is no chance for R.


I am really having trouble trying not to contact XW. I don't know whether i should make her pursue me, or if i should ask her out on a date again at some point.

How do you handle the urge to contact your ex? My XW felt that i didn't pay enough attention to her and I wasn't there for her. How do you try and balance those feelings without pursuing?

I told my h at the time that he knew I would have done anything to work on our R, but once the D was final, it was up to him to make all of the moves. Xh chose to give up and while I will be friendly toward him, I'm not going to ask him to do things. It is his responsibility to show me that he wants to be part of my life. I think you should let your xw do the same thing.


Your D was final around the same time as mine, so i see alot of similarities in our sitch except for the fact that my XW doesn't seem like she is coming out of the fog anytime soon.

Hope, my bd was almost 2 1/2 years ago. So xh had a long, wild ride of depression and avoidance. He may be starting to come out of it, but he still has a long way to go.

Were you suprised that your XH discussed a possible future at some point together?

No, xh has often said he doesn't know where our paths will lead or what will happen in the future. He's very passive aggressive and never really said that he didn't want to be my husband, just that this is something he has to do. He wishes we could be together, he wanted things to be different, but he's not willing to put in any of the work to make it happen.

I wish I could win the lottery, but if I don't even make the effort to buy a ticket, I have a snowball's chance in he!! of making that dream come true!

So I really don't give it much thought when he says stuff like this. If he one day puts some action behind it, then I might take it seriously.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this too, but I promise if you focus on yourself you will begin to feel better, no matter what happens between you and your xw.