Speaking from a woman's perspective women may continue to ML to feel a connection. We tend to ML for emotional reasons-it can be to fill a painful void in our spirit like it can be to show love to our spouse. That being said we can also sometimes just want to, just like many men, we need a physical release.
It sounds positive that she is talking to her brother, no? He understands your perspective, if he's in a similar situation, and he has your W's ear. I hope that he can be a voice of calm and reason for her and then it won't be coming from you.
I hope things continue to improve for you SA. I'm keeping my fingers crossed:)
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Sailing "In my sitch, we have never stopped ML. I'm not really sure how this affects our whole R right now. What I do want is to make it more intimate. The book Passionate Marriage is about this aspect."
Rose "Speaking from a woman's perspective women may continue to ML to feel a connection. We tend to ML for emotional reasons-it can be to fill a painful void in our spirit like it can be to show love to our spouse. That being said we can also sometimes just want to, just like many men, we need a physical release."
I agree with Rose, Sailing. I think men need to ML to feel connected, but a woman needs to feel connected to ML, if that makes any sense to you. If I were you, I would continue to enjoy this aspect of your R, as it I think it shows that your W still has a lot of feelings for you. MWD advocates this too. Maybe you can find more ways to make it romantic if you feel you need more intimacy.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
WhiteRose and RosaLinda, thanks for the female perspective. Sometimes I wonder if my W is more like a man in this aspect of her life. I do think it shows that the W has strong feelings for me. I want to make it more intimate to grow those feelings and for me too. My BD coach has recommended Tantric Sex to make it more intimate. My W doesn't seem interested. I started reading this book called Passionate Marriage -- so far it seems interesting. I'll let you know what I learn.
I've been looking for a book about passion, and restoring intimacy. Let me know if those two are good ones!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Ohh the fantasy stuff, plz be careful with that, that's why they call them fantasies. I know this one was with you, but opening Pandora's box might have her act on on some others that you wouldn't be involved with.
I think its GREAT you have a BIL (although not great for your BIL) going thru some of the same issues and that she can trust. What a way for her to get some insight, when she's thinking straight that is. At the same time its funny how they cant correspond their actions to the actions of ANYONE else going thru the same sitch sometimes. Its gonna be about her and her only 90% of the time.
Cant she get started on some of these classes via correspondence or online, or is it the college lifestyle she also craves? I'm sure she cant get all the classes she needs this way, but im sure theres a few she can.
Thumpered, yeah, the BIL talking to her about how he's dealing with his MLC W is interesting. Not yet has she told me how I'm doing the same with her.
For the school, unfortunately, it is not possible because there are some many clinical classes. It is not the college lifestyle, she is just really unhappy with her career and wants to be a Doctor. That would take too long, so a Physician Assistant is what she's doing. BTW, the school received something like 1000 applications last year for a class size of about 60 students. Getting in is difficult.
I was thinking about how it seems my W has gone through phases of activities and then goes onto another phase. One phase was a shopping phase, about 2 months of spending on herself like money grew on trees. Another phase was cosmetic procedures with the dermatologist and others. Now it is the applying to school phase. Some of her activities/behaviors continue: going to the gym is now going on 1-year of constant activity. Drinking which started about 1-year ago is now a part of her, still social drinking, but for 20 years she never really drank beer.
I wonder if others notice similar behavior in terms of dropping some behaviors but others continuing?
Uh oh, I think I may be having my own MLC!! (shopping, gym, wine, appearance, career change....) I think it's possible H's MLC is causing me to have my own MLC in response to what is going on with him.
My husband started working out like CRAZY a little over a year ago, P90X, weight lifting, running 10K every weekend. That insanity has stopped lately. He now goes for walks every so often but the crazy workouts have stopped. For a while he was buying a lot of new dress clothes, and he hasn't bought much lately. He has been going out social drinking more often now then he did a couple of years ago. He has recently got new braces.
It's crazy watching them go through this wild transformation. At the end of it you don't even recognize them anymore, and their personalities also change!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I wonder if others notice similar behavior in terms of dropping some behaviors but others continuing?
It's a search for meaning and purpose. Fulfillment of some sort. Keep trying different stuff 'till the emptiness goes away.
My W was real heavy into the workouts. We have a nice gym in our basement, and for several months she was doing 1-2 hours every night. Lost 30 pounds and looks hot. Of course, I always thought she looked hot.
She still works out, but has cut back substantially.
She also did several dermo treatments early on. Joked about getting a boob job and tattoos but never did. That whole phase seems to be dead now.
The clothes shopping ramped up, but she still remains a thrifty bargain hunter. Refuses to spend big $$$ on clothes. Comes home and tells me about the great deals she got... and the things she passed up because they weren't on sale and she just couldn't bring herself to part with the money.
Was jogging, and still does, but had to cut back due to pain.
Got heavy into music, and still is. Many kinds. Never really cared much for it pre-crises. Our joke for her was a quote by Marge Simpson. "Music is none of my business"!
It looks like golf may be the next thing. GF and MF both play, and W has joined them at the driving range at least once. Was thinking about getting some clubs, but didn't want to spend a lot. Last weekend, when we were at her Dad's, I said "hey, look" as I found a set in his garage. Dad picked them up for free, and quickly offered them to W. They're in good shape and even appear to be the correct size!
Fore!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hey, ChasingPavements and FY. Interesting. Yes, they are trying to fee fulfilled and trying out different things.
I admit to being somewhat shallow. I always loved my W, but now that she has been going to the gym like crazy, she looks really hot! And like ChasingPavements, I sometimes wonder if I'm having an induced MLC. I also go to the gym 3x/week now -- it helps with stress. I joke with my DB coach that My W and I are now in the best physical shape of our lives! Haha. It's true.
