The Final Countdown

[RoofRackDude]

Thanks for the suggestions, all good stuff. It is sometimes easy to lose sight of the positives.

[RoofRackDude]

All stuff worth thinking about.

All your GAL is lonely stuff – find something that will make you meet new people and start doing things with friends!

Good point. I've thought a lot about this. Maybe because I'm a twin and had a constant playmate, or maybe because we moved so much after we got married and didn't put down roots, but I've never been able to easily make friends. I have friends from work, and did go on an overnight canoe trip with them, as well as one's wedding, so making incremental progress. Will look into joining a running club.

W denies affair, says they are just “fantasies.

Do you believe her! What is your gut-feeling?

That this is an EA with an old divorced high school friend, who lives several states away. She told me she's scheduled a week's vacation in August. She didn't volunteer where she's going, but it could be to connect with this guy.

It is hard to go dark

Why go dark right now?
You are paying her money and writing about going dark at the same time!
Educate yourself and then choose a path to follow!

Trying to think of something different, although several have pointed out that in many ways there are a lot of positives I should be focusing on and keep my efforts on what works.

In the past she always felt I was manipulative or had ulterior motives if I complimented her (wasn't true, she's had self-image issues and reacted this way)

WRONG!! This was her feeling and you blame her for it! Feelings isn’t about true or false – they are always true! I am the master of mistakes in this area so please do believe me! Your Ws feelings are true to her! Deal with them and do not try to explain them!

REALLY need to think this through. You are right! Need to work on validating too. I have done this when I pay attention, but other times my "Mr. Fix-It" takes over.

This is getting better and I think she no longer doubts my sincerity most of the time

GOOD! Now tell me why they are getting better! Because she is not so much around or because YOU have changed? Do think about it!

I actually think it's because I've changed. Prior to my burnout at work, I was always a pretty self-aware person. Therapy has brought that back a little and I'm not afraid to admit my role in letting our relationship crumble and constantly assess and work on the stuff that got us here (see 7/5 post).

W is very stubborn and can be very emotionally distant when she feels her version of past events, or future without me, is threatened.

Why would she feel this way?

Because she's already made up her mind about the divorce. I'll have to revisit this in light of your earlier comment about her feelings.

I think I have Sandi2's rules memorized..... Practicing them is sometimes difficult.

The biggest question I have for you right now is:
WHY DID SHE LEAVE YOU????
Be specific and center your answer on you! You have explained a lot about surroundings but what about you?
She isn't leaving your surroundings – she is leaving you!
What did or didn't you do?

You need to 180 on the reasons for her leaving! As many as possible!
You need to work through your situation again. Be truthful to yourself and do focus on your own part in the D. What went wrong! Look at you and nothing else? What would you change 2 years ago if given the chance!
This is about YOU, YOU and YOU and not W or surroundings!

Because I had a temper and she couldn't handle what she called "excitement" at home. Because I have a close female friend she was jealous of? Help me dig into this, because that sounds pretty flimsy.

[RoofRackDude]

Planned to go to church with her Sunday morning. She got moving late and wasn't ready by the time I got to her apartment. Hung out and chatted while she finished up and then went out to eat for breakfast. Nice light & fluffy conversation.

It's clear that she doesn't mind spending time with me on a limited basis. Within those opportunities I don't want to screw things up. Should I focus on keeping it light and fluffy?

We usually won't see each other unless there's a reason to do something with D, but when I look back there were 3 times last week that it was only the 2 of us. A lot like the early days of courtship: watching what I say, not moving too fast, not initiating physical contact, letting her enjoy herself.

That's it for now. Quiet isn't a bad thing in this circumstance, trying to give W the space she needs.

[RoofRackDude]

So W came over this evening to color D's hair. Had the wrong color, stayed to chat. We eventually got to talking about bills, and she asked me if I had my appointment yet with the lawyer. I told her that it was last week and that I also had to drop off some forms related to my pension disbursement. She didn't press or say anything like she has in the past such as "I'm not changing my mind," or "I want to move on," but I gently reminded her that I'm not ready to sign anything. She didn't say anything in response.

This raises a few questions. Since we are already in the divorce process, how can I slow it down without her getting defensive and getting more resolved to end things? Overall things seem positive, but does anyone have a similar sitch or experience?

I don't want to mind read or over analyze, but should I be looking for behavioral cues other than her simply not bringing up the lawyer as often?

[RoofRackDude]

bump

[fade]

You will have opportunities to slow things down in the divorce process, but its a bit harder if you are sharing an attorney in a collaborative divorce. You can consider approaching your attorney and ask them to wait for your approval before moving things forward or for a timeline range. Some will, some will immediately tell your wife! You can alway just take your time. DOnt say "I wont sign!", just say "I will get to it" or "I have a few questions" etc.

I would caution you about slowing down, in that depending on the specifics of your case, you may get a much more advantageous agreement now than if you wait. It really depends on what you have to fight over and the specifics of your jurisdiction. I would suggest consulting a separate attorney than your collaborative attorney to discuss the possible range of outcomes. You may get very different story than a collaborative attorney will tell you.

A few things to consider:

Right now she is subconsciously motivated to separate from you so you can be replaced, in her mind at least, by her affair partner.

In my cases never have I seen a reconciliation after a woman has an affair and goes to the trouble of moving out, except when the affair quickly breaks down.

I have seen reconciliations after a wife moves back home despite her wishes, such as financial limitations or child care needs. Im now a firm disbeliever in the adage 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'!

People in a situation like her - where she is making rapid life changing decisions - typically think in the very near term and have a skewed sense of time value. One can often get an extremely advantageous agreement (in terms of overall asset splits, home, equity, retirement accounts etc) by offering her some immediate carrot like a relatively small check that will allow her to continue to live on her own for the short term or possibly fund a visit to her AP.

The longer you are in this situation, and the worse her financial shape the more likely it is she will fight tooth and nail in divorce. But, if its bad enough she might start to question her decision.

So. long story short there is no right or wrong answer for delaying the process, you need to consider risks and rewards to each strategy. Strategy 1: you play fast to win - sometimes the outcome is their new life crashes and burns and they come crawling back - but sometimes things have gone too far and they just keep moving on. Strategy 2: you play slow to wait-out the MLC or affair - sometimes the outcome is that their affair burns out, the shine wears off their new life and they come slowly back to plan B, other times you end up in a protracted fight with a desperate wife and you end up burning through all resources and hating each other.

[RoofRackDude]

fade,

Thanks. So far it has been pretty amicable, and she hasn't ratcheted up what she wants (I have very little assets, besides the house & my pension).

This is jumbled in with the fact that I see her a few times a week and she seems relaxed so discussions of the D are short, mostly related to status. The next step in my state is the Settlement Agreement, and we had changes to the first draft and are now waiting for the revisions... they are to call me when it's ready.

[RoofRackDude]

A little journaling:

W has been pleasant when she is here to see D and this past week has been pretty low key otherwise, no R or M talk on my part (or hers) and no mention of divorce or lawyers. The heat here has been brutal (100 every day this week) and has cut down on my GAL activities, although I did spend a few hours weeding the garden and cleaned the house Monday before I was out of town overnight on Tuesday (W stayed here with D).

I was planning to go dark this week while D is at soccer camp, but it looks like W & me will be carpooling into work to save gas, both to help her with $ and me, since I have to make the entire mortgage payment out of this paycheck and need to stretch my money. She had her work schedule changed so we could ride in together.

She still is relaxed when I'm around but not jokey or silly. I was thinking of some of the earlier comments and this definitely happens more when we're doing something special or different together. This is true even when we've had to be together (running to train station for D, chasing bus with D & S) when I try to make the best of it and keep things light and she responds. It also helps that it's something new or adventurous/exciting, NOT constant discussions about bills. Even the times I invite her along for a run, she is usually relaxed and more like herself circa 20+ years ago (this is good).

My short term goal is to keep up the PMA when we're together and make the best of the opportunities I have. I don't constantly ask her to do stuff with me, usually one or two activities over the weekend (plus going to church together).

I do really miss an occasional hug or quick kiss, but I don't want to appear pursuing if I initiate anything. What would be appropriate?

I've also observed this week that the more I keep busy and work on my GALs, the less I mind read or worry about the future.

[RoofRackDude]

Update: Went swimming with W this evening at a local creek, something I mentioned to her during last week's heat wave.

She was relaxed when I picked her up, invited me into her apartment while she finishd dinner. Started to rain when we arrived, and she laid on a boulder in the middle of the creek while I found a deep hole to jump into.

It was a lot of fun, the sort of thing we had never done before (see previous entry). I didn't realized how much I needed to check out and get away for a while until I did it. Again, she was completely relaxed and herself. I kept it light.

About halfway home she told me that she wished I wasn't so nice to her... I told her that I'd work on it.

[RoofRackDude]

Journaling:

W was just here helping clean up after a yard sale my D is having to raise money for the beach. Got to talking about the bills and how little I have until next payday once I set aside the mortgage. She offered to give me the $ I had loaned her last week to help me, but admitted that she'd need it back once I get paid next Friday. She was trying to make herself sound chipper, about how she'll "get there someday!" and be able to save money and spend it on what she wants, all the while with a funny look on her face. She also said, "I know you're not in a hurry....," meaning the divorce. My hunch is that she's saving money for her vacation in August and that's why her bills are tight.

Overall it was still pleasant, just a bummer. I initiated and got a lukewarm hug, which then made me feel like an idiot. I did notice that she was wearing a pair of earrings I got her a few Christmases ago.

Everyday a rollercoaster.