@ Gabby - I don't think so. If I was doing the initiating then I would think of it as friendly.. but because I'm doing very little to keep the relationship open.. that's why I perceive it as loving.
But I don't necessarily mean loving as romantic way.
And to answer your question truthfully... the answer is no... I'm not there yet.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I, too, think we will always have expectations, it's managing those expectations and realizing that others will have differing expectations that's key.
That's what makes it such a dance...and you're a dancer.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think it is perfectly reasonable to have expectations.
In my experience issues with expectations occur when they are unrealistic, unspoken, misunderstood or a moving target.
Character is demonstrated when you can say what you feel and state expectations in any situation, especially those involving loved ones. It is here with our loved ones where we leave ourselves vulnerable. The unspoken unrealized expectation caused significant damage in my past relationships.
“If they loved me they would XXXXX as a function and degree of their love for me.” “Since they haven’t they must not love me” So begins a rollercoaster and IMO was a source for cognitive dissonance exhibited by my X. I admit to some of this stinking thinking.
Don’t wait for the situation to escalate to an unhealthy level before stating expectations boundaries and feelings.
I apologize for the rant and hijack.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
“If they loved me they would XXXXX as a function and degree of their love for me.” “Since they haven’t they must not love me” So begins a rollercoaster and IMO was a source for cognitive dissonance exhibited by my X. I admit to some of this stinking thinking.
There!
That about crystallizes the whole shebang. We can't believe that our vision of what constitutes showing love is also everyone else's.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
“If they loved me they would XXXXX as a function and degree of their love for me.” “Since they haven’t they must not love me” So begins a rollercoaster and IMO was a source for cognitive dissonance exhibited by my X. I admit to some of this stinking thinking.
Sounds like the testing of love and that kind of testing or temperature taking is usually one sided and sets the other up for failure. That I am guilty of doing... not stating my needs and then getting irritated when they were not met.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I like this conversation alot. Thanks so much friends.
"“If they loved me they would XXXXX as a function and degree of their love for me.” “Since they haven’t they must not love me”
That is something I am very much struggling with my new friend. Swap out the word "love" with "invest" and you have it. It is a victim mindset that I'm still working on breaking. Being patient and not initiating contact to combat it is very difficult.
However with my x - it is different. She's on a roadtrip in Texas (I didn't ask who with) and she sends me a photo with a sign.
"We don't skinny dip, we chunky dunk". We almost bought that sign when were together and gained weight when we gave up smoking.
I'm not "expecting" her to do that kind of stuff. Throughout the separation and divorce, she did condition me to not expect anything from her. For the last two years, I have grieved my x like she died.
And as I look back, I can see the growth in our new relationship since April. At first, She just texted a couple of thank you's for being open to the amends, turn into her asking how I am doing, turned into her sharing her growth with me, turned into her sending things that remind her of me.
Those ARE steps forward. I just don't know for what.. and I struggle with trusting that.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Those ARE steps forward. I just don't know for what.. and I struggle with trusting that.
This seems to suggest that there's a underlying fear lurking somewhere on the possibility that she may be moving toward you as a potential reignited R and you fear that you'd be jerked back to the old, painful days when XW was unhealthy and emotionally unavailable. Right or wrong?
Hi, I had to get caught up! This is a great conversation because many of us are going through a divorce, getting over the fact that the marriage is over, trying to move one, but we are still connected to our exes.
I have been separated for about six years and divorced a few months and I truly see how our close connection has been quite a crutch and a turn off for perspective lovers.
He has always put the kids first and they were little so always asking, "Why can't Mommy come to the beach/park/movie?, too" For a while, he would bring his GF, not the one he cheated on me with. It was fine.
However, I rarely brought my kids around men I saw. Just friends, not intimate partners.
It is such a tricky dance. I guess looking back, it would have been better for me to have more boundaries with my exH. I should work on that now so I can truly move on. We are no longer married and if I do not do it, he will, and that will feel like ANOTHER divorce!
Good luck. Hope my hindsight from the ex wife's POV helps. I know we are in different sitches.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
@ LaBug - Yes!! I fear that alot actually. You the know the old saying - 1st time - Shame on you, 2nd time - shame on me.
Which plays into...
@ Wonka - Yes!! I fear that my x has not changed. I want to believe that she HAS changed.. but as someone who married an addict/abuser - my hopes were up many times. There were sooo many times when I wished she would be exactly the woman she is portraying herself now to be.
And I don't want that in my life anymore. The hopes/The fears. The mentality that a victim of abuse has. That's part of why I want to meet with her. I realize that it's my place to work through my fears.. but as a boundary to protect my heart - her owning up to it.. isn't enough for me. She will need to rebuild that trust. I am not opposed to that taking time, or being work.. but if it's not that - I have no interest.
I told 25 once that I'm ONLY interested in the new X. If this is her way of testing the waters or whatever - she can go back to not talking to me. Not because I care about her any less now.. but caring about me more and putting up those boundaries will help the both of us - or at the very least - me
At the same time, I want to be honest with her that I'm scared. I have a habit of not expressing my feelings and expecting people to read my mind. I do this for many reasons that I need to work on.. but the #1 is the fear that my opinion will not be heard and the person I choose to express it to will do nothing.
Because that has been my x for 10 years. I expressed myself - she did nothing.
I can't go back to her doing nothing. I can't go back to the old x in the same way I can't go back to the old Val.
I made a decision long ago that choosing to love myself and choosing to love her at the cost of our marriage or our friendship was okay. That loving someone or myself is never wrong - and as long as my motives were pure - things would work out just how they were supposed to.
I still believe that to be true.
@MK - I can't imagine how hard it must be with children. My friends argue with this saying "What's the point to have x in your life" and some days I don't have an answer.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
