Getting back on the horse gracefully....

[Valeska19]

It's been quite the journey and the growing pains aren't over yet.

Things continue to progress with my new friend. It's hard not to be scared at times. Sometimes I want to rush this process... but taking it slow is good for me.

We are still just friends but we continue to build on our connection. Maybe I am completely wrong about our connection... but I'd like that I haven't lost my touch completely when it comes to these kind of things.

It's kinda crazy to feel a connection with someone OTHER than my x. It's kinda crazy that in some ways I want X as far as way from me as possible so my heart can be open to this new relationship.

One step at a time I guess.. but this thread is all about me getting back on the horse. I hope it's as easy as getting back on a bicycle.

[sayitaintso]

Thanks for sharing and giving some of us who are slightly behind you some hope for taking those next steps.

I'm sure its hard to keep those loving feelings from rushing too fast but I think its wise and great that you are aware of that.

[paige40]

I think it is great you are building on a friendship before rushing into a relationship. I miss the friendship part just having someone to talk to and do things with. I hope to find someone in my life to do that with. Until then I will just be your cheerleader!!

[Valeska19]

SIAS - It's ridiculously hard to keep my feelings in check. Part of it is that I really do like her.. but then another part doesn't want to waste my time so I want to rush and find out "if it's worth it".

Paige - I wish her and I were hanging out more. We are both extremely busy and she just recently admitted how grateful she was that I pushed us when it came to scheduling time together.

We see each other twice a month but check in 3 times a week. I don't think a turtle moves that slow.

We had a pretty awesome conversation on Monday that I felt I really got to know her more. I'm looking forward to more of those.

She also wants to come to church with me. She's jewish and I think she is intrigued by my thought process. That will be interesting.

Who knows.. Life's an adventure right?

[Wonka]

Hey Val! Thanks for stopping by my thread.

I so get what you're going through with your new friend. After I dipped my pinky finger in the dating pool, the fear monster cropped up frequently in the beginning. No head diving for me. After some time, it did get better.

Let's hope that the horse doesn't buck on you! I'd much rather ride a bike.

[Valeska19]

@ Wonka - The horse may not be bucking.. but might have stalled.

I have mixed feelings about her honestly. We get along and communicate great via the phone and hanging out... but man.. texting with her is awful. It's hard to have any kind of conversation with her... and really connect.

I'm sure it doesn't help my friend that my X is in contact with me.. about once a week. Out of the 3+ months of us talking.. I've initiated contact maybe 2 or 3 times.. in over a dozen times. I don't want to jinx myself but I'd say she's moving towards me.

I did however text my x last week as it was her sobriety birthday. She was impressed that I remembered and I asked her the 2 questions we always used to ask during our actual birthdays. It started a pretty amazing conversation which lasted a couple of hours.

Through our conversation about growth.. I told her I was hiking half dome in Yosemite. A 16.5mi difficult hike that ended with using cables to hike up the "dome" which has over a 45 degree incline. It was intense. It was amazing.

On my way back to LA.. I had a ton of texts waiting for me (no service for 3 days!). None from my new friend.. but sure enough - there was one from my x.

This is the 3rd time something important or super fun was happening in my life and she txts to say have fun or good luck.

What's hard for me.. is that's what I do to show love to people I care about. So I feel super loved when she does that... which in turn makes me super scared.

And then like an idiot I compare her to my new friend and ask myself if things like that are so important to me.. why am I friends with someone who doesn't seem to invest in me the way I want??

It's obnoxious.

I had quite a bit of an emotional time in Yosemite leading up to the hike. First - my x and I make quite the camping team. To see my friends do stuff that was different (not wrong) upset me...

.. and then my friend made fun of me because I say "crik" for creek.. and man that just triggered me. I didn't lash out, but I distanced myself and fought my victim mindset very hard for 2 days.

My friend says that all my struggles was caused from bringing my x back into my life. That she still controls me... and that even those she isn't meaning to hurt me, by not making a commitment to me.. she is taking advantage of me. Reaching out when she feels safe enough or depressed or whatever. My x has yet to reach out to me when she is feeling crappy but I get my friend's point. Maybe she is right.

I can't really seem to bring myself to a place where I can cut X out of my life..

... but I can't really seem to get over the fear and just live with X in my life in it's current form.

I'm at a sucky stalemate... with a HUGE urge to just do SOMETHING that moves me forward.

I want it to be the right move. I'm just tired of being patient waiting for the answer to what that move is.

[StubbornDyke]

Interesting that friend (not new friend, I assume?) identifies your struggles related to X in your life as a problem rather than an opportunity for desirable growth. I mean, if you choose not to take the lessons as presented now, the universe will present them again later. But, friends can be uncomfortable seeing our discomfort.

Do you want to cut X out of your life?

What is the path through the fear?

[labug]

Interesting that friend (not new friend, I assume?) identifies your struggles related to X in your life as a problem rather than an opportunity for desirable growth. I mean, if you choose not to take the lessons as presented now, the universe will present them again later. But, friends can be uncomfortable seeing our discomfort.

I've sure been getting this from the universe lately. I used to get so anxious and pi$$ed when others and their issues pressed into my life. No time, no patience for that.

Now, when this happens I can go to "So what am I supposed to learn from this?"

If you and friend are on different levels with this, could mean Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.

People can't take advantage of you without your consent. It seems you want XW in your life but on your conditions and that's good.

Would you agree that it's your expectations that cause you the pain?

[JustStunned]

SD and Bug have valid points. I want to comment along those lines also, but first, I am jealous.

Yosemite and half dome are on my bucket list. They just haven’t made it to the calendar yet. I am very happy you were able to indulge a little. Did you catch a spark and coax a flame? Flint and steel.

I get that you want to have a relationship with your X that is comfortable and positive. Perhaps I am projecting here; I think we all would, after all these are people we were intimate with. Having been vulnerable with them we’d all like some degree of comfort knowing those vulnerabilities are not being broadcast negatively.

Is it more than that? Are you building expectations? I know how difficult it can be not too especially if we are seeing positive reinforcement. I am not trying to be negative, just asking b/c it seems that way for some of your post.

We hear a lot about flight or fight. I was taught to include freeze into the equation. Mulling what to do until the perfect plan arises is a death knell. Better to make a 70 to 80% plan and adjust to changes and feedback. No plan survives execution completely intact to its original form. Life has a way of intruding. Step off on a hike down the most likely path to your bliss, and adjust as needed. Sometimes it is best to just act, evaluate, adjust and act again without a detailed plan.

And I am a planner.

I think when people are overtly critical it is an attempt to change or control something. When it is applied to me personally and if I am in a frame of mind to do so I’ll consider the input. I have reacted as you have. I have also returned in kind escalating into negative territory.

Your body language spoke as you distanced yourself. How did your friend react to that message?

[Valeska19]

@ SD - Yes.. it was my best friend. The one who has been through it all with me. The one who has been there as I worked through all the issues I have/had from being in an addict/abusive relationship.

Her friendship to me has been invaluable.

No - I don't want to cut x out my life.. but doing so would be easier. The initial decision would be hard but from December - April of this year.. my life was really good. I felt I was healing and moving on and accepted that she was gone. But that was her choice. I feel like there would be regret if it was mine.

The path through the fear - is just taking it day by day but to be honest with my x and myself. I actually scheduled a time to meet with her at the end of August. I'm not sure - but I think part of it is to discuss these fears.

I am completely aware for there is alot of work for me to do and I'm willing to do it.. but for a relationship that's worth it. I don't know if that's the mentality to have.. but LaBug is right.. the friendship has to be on my terms this time.

@LaBug - Thank you for the reminder about taking advantage. You are right that it is completely under my control.

I don't think X is taking advantage of me (although I know my friends disagree) but I am very aware that it is my expectations that are causing me pain.

It's the one part of DBing that I've never agreed with (sorry moderators). It's impossible to not have expectations at least for me as a Christian woman. God has expectations of me.. and we are made in his image.

However I am also aware that his expectations of me doesn't influence how he loves me. Even though he has them, he still loves me regardless and does what he feels is loving towards me.

I'm trying to do the same.

I have expectations of my xw. If she is acting loving, I expect that it is because she loves me.

At the same time, I expect her change isn't real. I know that's awful and I constantly pray that the fears goes away and changes in heart.. but I don't know this x.

Expecting her to fail is easier on my heart than expecting her to succeed and us to have a loving relationship that is what I wanted for a decade.

Man.. that's horrible

But if she is a new woman, I am very fearful that I will stay emotionally attached to her. If I find a woman attractive and then she shares alot of the same emotional qualities as me... I'm really in trouble.

It's not that I'm fearful of our friendship turning into a relationship. I'm fearful that I want it to.

So I'm trying to keep my expectations in check as best as I can.. but feel like I am failing at it a bit. Because truth be told.. I'm aware of them, but I don't know how to move forward with them them being there.

And to answer your question JS - My best friend got very upset with me. Told me I was being manipulative and passive aggressive. She was very hurt that I didn't feel safe enough to run towards her instead of away seeing everything we have been through together.

That made me very upset.. as I saw it as a way to protect them since I didn't know how to control it. But in the end she was right. When you are going through rough emotions.. that is when you should run to those who love you the most.