Thought I Was Piecing, Now I'm Detaching 4

[AJM]

Right. She will PON. She will act out as if you are her dad or some other authority figure.

The question is what are you willing to put up with and until when? You have a lot invested and seem to want to see it through. I applaud that. But you don't have to take the cr*p that comes with it. Believe me. Saying something is not a problem nor a deal breaker. Figuring out how to say things in a low-conflict sort of way is the trick. Being able to say something and know you'll accept whatever blow-back comes with it is also important. You can do both. She may still leave no matter what you do. She will likely want to be "right" and will make you out to be the bad guy no matter if it's truth or not.

Telling her you won't take the bad mouthing or name calling rather than meeting that challenge with force may get you some better results overall.


Something to consider.

AJ

[25yearsmlc]

invite another person to watch your son while you drive the boat and buy a big mirror too.

Stop feeling as if you need her around. She's a real negative. And if I am picking up on Gabby's comments rights, it's that your kids DO sense or know your w is hostile to you and that you are happier and more relaxed without her around. Spending more time with your kids without her, is going to be a GOOD thing, PON.

Ironic, SHE claims SHE is happier without you around...


Didn't your wife SAY she did NOT want you to go have fun at the cape with the kids without her?

but SHE doesn't want to go...so she just wants everyone NOT to go? So, it's her wish for you to be miserable EVEN IF IT MEANS THE KIDS ARE MISERABLE TOO??

I guess she is NOT in the "parent of the year" contest with you, because their happiness is not as important to her as her anger and desparate need to be right.

I honestly think I'd have a hard time NOT laughing out loud if my spouse seemed angry at me for "Being mother of the year" and "buying things for the kids, and playing with them..."

I might ask her, "just so I'm clear, are you COMPLAINING about the time I spend with them, or the money I spend on them, or that we have fun together without you

or are you happy for us?"

AND OR maybe see if anything below feels authentic to you

"W, so you know, I do NOT resent it when the kids are happy with you, or when they play with you, or when you make them feel loved. In my book, that's a good thing b/c I want THEM to be happy and loved...and deep down I think you do too. I sure hope so anyhow. So when you seem to complain about me doing my best as a dad, it does not anger me. It makes me sad that you forget their happiness, and it makes me laugh b/c it's such a silly complaint AND We both know it."

DO NOT await a response from her if you say anything like this. When she feels you have "Scored a point" she lashes out every time and mostly, you let it get to you which reverse the effectiveness of whatever truth you just stated. Make sense?

so stop trying to paint me as a bad guy for being a good guy!"

It's pretty nutty PON, I might actually laugh while saying it.

So how are you doing with the anxiety and fears? ALSO re the OM

what's to say? I mean, she knows you know, right? AND She knows it bugs you.

Since I assume she is on the deed, is there anything LEGAL you can do to prevent OM from coming there again?

B/C I think this is another example of you saying you "want to talk about" and "set a boundary" but in reality, it's not enforceable. And what is your expectation from a "talk" with her about OM's presence at your home in your absence, when SHE KNOWS how you feel already?

You can file, but I don't know that you can prevent her from having OM over,BUT PLEASE ask your L about it b/c there are some adultery grounds in Mass...I KNOW your L said it's a hopeless cause, but I hope you realize that if it's on the books (and it is) then your wife may NOT know how hard it is to prove.

OR maybe your L is not into that type of case or hates going to trial. Always ask a L how often they go to trial. NOT that anyone wants to go to trial for divorce, but you have to be able to go or your gun has no ammo in it, you know?

But I think having OM over at the cape house while the kids are there and you are not, (or when the kids are not there either),
does NOT look good.

IMO, it's at least an EA. And if it's PA, is that a deal breaker for you?

And what does Deal breaker" mean to you? B/C I feel as if you already said an EA was...

no one here is holding you to that. You did Not make a "contract" with us to divorce your wife is she breaks your rules or violates the boundaries.

I merely want to remind you of the purpose of a boundary and how one gives away their power
by trying to control what they CANNOT control -or will not do anything about...

make sense?

[Harrier]

I'm going to chime in her and I'm sure it won't be popular. But I want to know is PON a "parent" 100% of the time? What I mean is does he do the hard stuff, the discipline, the telling kids hard things....not just being there for play time, gifts and going to the other vaca house.

Because if he only does the "fun" stuff...then he's not a parent. He's a fun uncle and I could see why that would be hard to deal with as a parent who has to be the bad guy all the time. It's exhausting.

so I hope PON is being a parent and not a fun uncle because if he's not than his wife's complaints are valid (though not necessarily in the proper format)

This whole being "disrespected" stuff drive me nuts. What this boils down to is that PON isn't detached and hasn't been detached. I hate to say it.

Until then it won't matter what she does or doesn't.

[MrBond]

Harrier, you really haven't read all of PON's thread.

He has been and continues to be disrespected by his W. It doesn't matter if it drives YOU nuts. It's his W's bad actions.

[ThisDayForward]

Bond what is your opinion on OM stopping by. It is a little tricky. They definitely have been friends since 14. They definitely txt more then my liking and its hidden. People will say on here you're not "detached" if you notice the txting at all. I mean c'mon seriously. We live under same roof and she obviously told the guy to stop by and say hi. She tells me there is zero attraction and he is a life long friend. But the fact is this he tried to get with her while we were separated. I find the behavior unacceptable and I base it on empathy.

If I do tell her my feelings on it she will say see you haven't changed. You still monitoring my phone etc..

and I am sure there will be blow back and tantrums.

[Harrier]

Dude. I have read all his many, many threads -- even from hi other name days.

It seems like he's been in the same mod for years. How has that been working out for him?
What is he going to do? You seem to be under the belief that by calling her out on her "disrespectful" behavoir that she will magically have respect for him.
The only thing he can do is and that's his reaction to it.

BTW Bond. I was using an expression.

[ThisDayForward]

I was told by my sponsor to throw that word out. Disrespect. Respect is something you earn.

I think Bond is saying I let her do all these things without saying a thing to her. Which honestly I thought that was part of detachment. Not letting her actions and words effect me. I'm pretty confused as of late. I have strong feelings of filing or at least telling my W how it makes me feel when she txt guys and hides it from me etc..

[Harrier]

But that isn't quite true. You have addressed the phone/txt thing in the past. Do you think addressing it again will acheive a different result? I can picture your W's reaction.

Not to sound harsh, but do you think she cares how you feel?

Does your sponser address detatchment? I think one way to look at is not giving power over to someone else.

[ThisDayForward]

Harrier it is obvious that my W doesn't give 2 sheetz on how I feel or she wouldn't be txting OM. She knows it is hurtful.

Ok so I'm confused about what bond says getting my ballz back or what others say about telling your W how something makes you feel.

How would I address some of these things she does without saying D word.

For example down vaca house I told her if she was going to be miserable and act like she was acting she could go home.

I honestly think the only thing that might scare my W is me telling her I will file. She has best of both worlds. A Hubby that still provides and takes care of kids and a whipping post

[Harrier]

1. I don't think it's an either/or proposition. If, according to you, she knows it upsets you, why bring that up again. Unless you are going to have a consequence that you will follow up on.

It reminds me of that joke about what do British police say to criminals, since they don't carry guns. "Stop, or I'll say 'stop' again."

If you make empty threats then it just become manipulative and in effective.

But DON'T bring it up unless you are pepared to follow through

She's acting like a child. Treat her like one. She starts to spew. Just leave to room and say "talk to me when you can be civil." Then leave and ignore her untill she is civil.

She's texting OM. Give her a consequence. Something like taking her phone off the plan. If she tells you you are being controlling, just say it is not my intent to tell you what to do but I'm not paying for it.

Stuff like that

Of course the ultimate consequence is to file if things are so toxic between you. But you have to be prepared to do it and have to accept it.