Also whether duing LRT you cannot use the lovingly detached if you are trying to break the pursuer chaser circle and use Sandi's rules.
Of course you can, it all works together, it's all DB'ing. The point is "detach" NEVER means cold and indifferent in DB'ing terms. Now maybe you are done with your W and moving on and you choose to be cold and indifferent towards her. That's fine if that's the case, but it is not DB'ing and has nothing to do with LRT or Sandi's rules.
I received this from my WAS yesterday, after I discovered she had entered my house, which she is still a part owner in.
I would like to have my family back together, this seems impossible. All her behaviour centered around extracting her money and I am concluding is that I need to witrhdraw completely from her to protect myself. The words below seem sincere but on the phone she has made it clear that we will have a friendly but formal relationship to discuss the children.
"Thank you for your emails. I would like to clarify that I do not construe acts of kindness as a weak spot. What acts of kindness are you referring to anyway? Neither of us have been very kind to each other throughout all of this in my view.
We need to remember what we've had together and the children. We have both learnt a lot from this experience which I believe was the whole point of us coming together in the first place. If we do not learn by our mistakes then they are just mistakes, not learning experiences. I am trying to change things about myself too as a result of all of this. A big lesson for me from this is about self worth and recognising that I am worthy of being happy and loved. I think past experiences have made this difficult for me so far and most dialogue I have with you seems to be centred around reminding me of what a horrible person I am. I have to try very hard to not let your words have a damaging impact on me and remember that I am a nice person and I have a lot of love and compassion to share.
I can understand why you are upset about me going into the house yesterday. As agreed I will let you know next time I need something and you can be there or leave the item in the hallway. You are entitled to your privacy so I will not go in without you there, unless agreed.
I need to tell you that I am finding it hard not to be suspicious of your seemingly reluctance to progress the transfer of the house and I think this is clouding my ability to deal with you in the way that I want to. I do not understand why we cannot agree a completion date and progress things. I know you say that you do not have an ulterior motive but as I said, I cannot understand then why we cannot progress this - the ball is in your court. Currently it appears to me that you are in control of something I want so you are going to do it in your own time and to hell with the impact that it has on me."
I have concluded that I need to completely withdraw and GAL. Any interaction turns manipulative and there is no sincerity from her, the fact that this impacts me means I cannot have detached and I can see that she is not being truthful in her intent and therefore staying open is going to be damaging until she learns not to be manipulative. When I set boundaries she oversteps them and I do not think she can recognise them.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
A big lesson for me from this is about self worth and recognising that I am worthy of being happy and loved. I think past experiences have made this difficult for me so far and most dialogue I have with you seems to be centred around reminding me of what a horrible person I am. I have to try very hard to not let your words have a damaging impact on me and remember that I am a nice person and I have a lot of love and compassion to share.
Read the bolded part above, what have you been telling her to make her feel this way? Whatever it is, STOP that right away. Whenever you talk to her it should be 100% light and fluffy talk. Do not initiate any talk about M, your R or D. If she initiates, then you stay quiet and validate. Treat her like you would a friendly neighbor when you communicate with her.
Unfortunately if I communicate my own boundaries to her she interprets it this way. I think she is still in fog of OM. Yesterday she entered my home and went into my bedroom to collect something for a trip away without even telling me she intended to go into the house. Initially when I told her I did not think this was courteous or acceptable she could not see why I was upset. She finally apologised this morning but in the meantime she accused me of talking her down. All I have said is please could she let me know if she needs something and we can arrange a time to meet so she can come in and get it.
Another example is in what her C said that she shared with me
"She said we need to be kind to each other, not just civil, forgive each other and have compassion for one another. Without this we will not heal. She also said we should only say positive things about each other to the children and we need to try and be friends for their sake. She did some healing for you too."
We were discussing this today and she said I want to be friends,I noted that she had said earlier she only wanted to discuss the children and I asked about being friends and she said yes we should talk in a friendly manner. I do not think she understands the words she shared.
I have to break this cycle of circular and destructive communication. The only way to do this is pull bac, not be drawn into discussions andtalk about the children wwhen we need to. I have expolained where were are on the legal agreements so if that is raised I will refer her to the advocates.I do not want to be cold, just step back and break the cycle.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
I am really kicking myself bacause I keep getting caught up with going back on the D documents, and I think she hates it but is lie a moth to the flame of throwing something out there to see if there is a reaction. I must not react anymore.
This evening I had a call, S7 decided he wanted to go cycling so she needed is helmet and cycling gear. I went home and met her to give her it. She said S7 had been out of sorts and she had banned him from ipad (she bought as a Disney Mum present and uses as a carrot and stick). I asked S7 what was up and he said he wanted to stay with me, we have a pretty strong bond and I have always done out of school stuff with him. I said to him mum wants to see you as well and gave him a hug.
WAS told me D4 was crying because no one made it to her sports day. I feel terrible I said it is hard to do equal care and still have time to work as well and missing sports days might be something we have to accept from time to time.
I can see WAS is so lost with this but I have to stay strong and disciplined in breaking the cycle, from today. I have a DB coaching session next week which I could have done with last week so I need to prepare for that.
In regards 180's I cannot find anything that works, there is too much damage, anger and emotion at the moment. It is over which is something I must accept.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Unfortunately if I communicate my own boundaries to her she interprets it this way.
OK, I see what you're saying. Sometimes they just want to go monster no matter what you do/ say. I think you're right that the only reasonable thing you can do to combat that is just go as dark as you can. Limit contact to just the bare necessities regarding the children.
As a sidebar, there's no telling why she's going monster but my W did it briefly and told me after a few days that she couldn't do it anymore because she felt guilty being mean when I was being so nice to her. I asked her why in the world she felt like she needed to be mean to me and she said she thought it would help me accept the breakup. Unbelievable!! I'm just mentioning that so that you can hopefully see that your W may not be doing it because she hates you, but because she mistakenly thinks you need her to be that way.
Quote:
In regards 180's I cannot find anything that works, there is too much damage, anger and emotion at the moment. It is over which is something I must accept.
Do them for you, to be a better person. It sure sounds like nothing you can do right now is going to be viewed by your W in a positive light. So do it for you. Maybe with more time she will come to appreciate your changes.
Thanks AS. I had decided to go Dark except for the children and I will focus on 180 for myself. I need to set goals and become the man only a fool would leave.
When she dropped in to collect s7 cycling stuff she commented on the changes to the hall where i have put racks in for my bikes. She said "nice wall art, you have been waiting to do that, must be glad that I am out of the way". I said it made sense to store the bike in the hall and I am not glad she has gone but it did male the lounge neater and I have racks for the kids bikes.
It feels good not to get drawn into the flame. I can see it confuses her as well as she has no outlet for her anger.
Thank you for your help
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
I have been focusing on myself and the children, tough with time and a very tight budget.
It is my daughters 5 birthday today, she is staying with me this morning and goes to WAS this afternoon. She is on school holidays. Last night d asked me to come to birthday dinner, I knew nothing about it so texted WAS. WAS said I should not come and I was coming to her party on weekend.
My view is if D wants me there then I should go. WAS view is D wants us together and both going to dinner will give her false hope. D will always want that.
I think I should go, please help me with this one.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Well that was a horrible day, missing dinner with my 5 year old. WAS thinks it would upset the children if I came, that they would want us to stay together. She was not upset to see how WA hurts them.
I explained my POV and said she will need to explain why I am not there to the children. I know she will duck this question from the children. I should have let it go but pushed it and she said I was using emotional blackmail and bully her. I don't feel I do but must learn to understand what this is and not do it.
So I am taking the children for afternoon tea tomorrow and licking my wounds. It hurts and is hard so going to go for a long bike ride tomorrow morning as training for my 100 mile ride in London.
It hurts and I need to focus on positives rather than anger at missing dinner.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
It has been a thought time here and since the legal s have been finished WAS has got worse. She is still trying to get money from the pension, despite the split being agreed in the legal settlement she has approached the trustees to ask them to consider her interests.
WAS on Monday informed me that OM, who she was denying existed a fortnight ago is coming on holiday with the children and her for a week from today. nothing I can do about it except focus on the children. He was introduced to them last weekend and gave my S8 a drive in his car, which happens to be his favourite type of sports car (think 007) and then played S8 favourite game on the xbox360.
WAS rental house is advertised as being available for rent and is under offer. She won't tell me if they are moving or what she has said to the children about OM. she continually acts aggressively, lots of snide remarks at pickup about personal matters, asking if I have been drinking, commenting on appearance which is totally unnecessary. I really need to let go of the rope as I think she is enjoying seeing if she can get a bite.
Yesterday she sent me an email saying, get a grip, take responsibility and drop the victim mentality. all I asked was to know what the children have been told about OM. I am not acting like a victim, I am socialising, working hard, I rode a 100 mile sportive cycle in England last sun, my first 100 in sub 6 hours. I know she is angry and feels she was treated unfairly in the legals, but she Walked away and had affair, to be honest if I had given her everything I still think she would be like this which is why I held my ground.
I would appreciate any advice, I think I have to completely dark, not instigate and not event reply unless it is an important matter affecting the children. I must learnt not to be drawn into discussions which just feed her anger and resentment. Positively nothing she is doing affects my PMA, I feel good about myself and am focusing on the things tht are important, my own goals, social life, work and sport. I am enjoying talking to woman but not rushing into anything and feel great to have my house sorted.
please help me work to a plan to deal with the WAS
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
