Crimson.....Are we broken or just bent?

[Crimson]

So T1, if I am following correctly. - your wife tried to reconcile in October, fled, and now want to take it slow?

I was amazed that she asked me to trust her. There are moments when I seriously believe she is either unaware of what happened or just chooses not to see it. Yeah, I have every right NOT to trust her at all.

As much as I try not to probe her behavior, part of me want to believe that deep down in her being there is a logical, emotive, caring core that is just trapped and gasping for air right now. Waiting to pop up to the serve and say "What happened when I was gone???" Still struggle,to see how she saw an commented on so many positives in me and still bailed. I know....stop thinking about it.

Crimson

[Crazyville]

C, I think you're going to simply have to settle on an answer, even if it's one you make up, and then go forward, being open to her showing you something different if you need that option.

For example, what if I tell you that she did what she did for the sole purpose of getting another baby from you; that she was driven by desperation and didn't see any other way; that she said all those things as part of the "act", not realizing you would be so resistant; that she was even hoping that a miracle would happen and she would get pregnant the old-fashioned way; that her conscience kicked in or she exhausted her ability to fake it or she realized you weren't going to give in, whatever, she had enough; that she really is done but doesn't want to harbor anger towards you.

Does that "answer" give you the ability to move on?

No one here can explain it to you, and I doubt she can even do so herself. Mourn it and get back to living.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks T1.

It was really an emotionally draining discussion and it felt like every third or fourth sentence was a punch in the stomach. I was so drained I just laid down on the couch afterwards.

It is also possible that what your father said was true. She saw the new you, but then, she did not "Feel" the old feelings of love. Still does not say what would happen if she feared losing you.


Over the last few days despite trying to close all of this out of my head I keep having flashbacks of the many positives that occurred while she was back at the house. It makes everything so much more confusing.

Then STOP going there. Instead, trust that SHE will also remember those things when her beliefs are not challenged so much.

Let time and distance and space give her the freedom to LOOK at reality...amd to uncover the truth.


There were moments when out of the blue she would just give me the biggest hug around my neck. Or I would hold S and we would all happily group hug. Or we would move all the furniture, pop popcorn and sit on blankets and pillows watching movies with S. When she first moved back and the weather was nice the three of us would walk to the park - holding hands most of the way. After all I had been through up to that point it was the happiest I had been in a long time.

That's^^ all nice stuff to think about - LATER - when it's not so painful okay?

But trust me, SHE WILL recall it, in time. SHE will miss it too, IN TIME.

For now, what are YOU DOING TO GAL????

I guess I say all of that wondering which version of XW was real? That one or the one that says she has no feelings and moves out abruptly. Did she get spooked?


Irrelevant waste of time to ponder this^^. What matters is what YOU are doing to GAL for you and your son.

I am delighted you are taking him out of town. Excellent step for you.


I haven't said much about it here (or anywhere for that matter) - but after the three months and some discussions we made some pretty serious moves with regard to using out final embryo. To the extent that we had consulted with our doctor. One week before she left again we were at the doctors office and she was having an ultrasound to check her uterine lining. We even ordered the first round of injections that she would need and created a schedule for the embryo transfer. We left the doctors office that day happy, excited and holding hands. Again, one week later it all collapsed.

I guess I'm delighted she left - IF she was not committed to the marital r. I have to wonder if a LOT of this was about wanting another child.


Before I take the inevitable beating for doing this, in retrospect we moved too fast and I will freely admit that I got caught up in the extreme happiness of being back together again and the prospect of being a dad to a second little one. It wa exciting....intoxicating. And it ultimately clouded my judgement.


Let us just STIPULATE that ^^ALL of this, is true.

Okay, let us move on now...you get it, we get it. Enough said.

Interesting story relating to this. We were laying in bed one night and she brought up the discussion of the embryo and basically said that we have a limited window to use it (she's turning 40) and clearly expressed that she wanted to move forward with it. I used it as an opportunity to have a honest discussion about my feelings on the matter.

I find it ironic about her focus on the age. Whereas the egg might not be alright long term in a freezer (I don't know) The zygote was not made when she was this age. It was from years ago. So It's not an "old egg". So her age is much LESS relevant and the risk that increases with age is not nearly as applicable.


I essentially told her that my primary fear was that we would start this and she would leave again. Then I'd be left with two kids that I miss, more child support and no family. I told her that I did not want that. I think she viewed it as me saying "no" (which wasn't the case) and she became upset.....almost angry, but I remained cool about it.

Did this ^^get clarified or not? It was a problem before.

But of course, turns out your fears were totally justified, which I might mention if I were you. CERTAINLY if she brings up the embryo, you must tell her that your fears came true.

maybe she left BECAUSE you called her on her real motives...



She spoke her piece on the matter and these words stick out to me.....a lot....."I wish that the day would could come, Crimson, when I would propose something and you would just say 'I trust you'".

enough said...


We didn't talk about it for a few days after that. I really put a lot of thought into it and decided to move forward. One day before our next scheduled appointment with the doctor she left the house. Since that day, not a word has been said about the embryo.

What's to say? I mean, really? Didn't her leaving say it? And since she left AFTER you told her of your exact fears and then she bolted....well, what is there to say?


Probably should have introduced this into the discussion here earlier, but I guess I was embarrassed that I "fell" for it. Shame on me.

At the same time, it really makes me all the more confused about her thoughts, behaviors and feelings.

Crimson

Actually makes a lot of things MORE clear to me now.

She wanted another baby, big time. You inadvertently saw thru her motives, even if she was not conscious of them. And you called her on it. And she left.

Let her go for real now, Crimson...it's the only way for you to move forward into a happy future,

and it's the only way you can get her back, anyhow...

IF IF IF that is possible...it may not be. But I am confident that your presence in her life as a willing bff and coparent and whatever SHE wants you to be, will fail to get her back.

Or it'd have worked by now. Stop living in fear of her withdrawing from you.

She already has. You have nothing to lose by letting her go, b/c she has already left.

[Crazyville]

You have nothing to lose by letting her go, b/c she has already left.

DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!

Truly the best advice I've read. Well said, 25!

[Harrier]

Crimson,

Reading your comments over the last weeks, it seems as if you've slipped into overthinking mode. I mean you think about your XW reaction/thoughts on way too much stuff

Like, what is XW going to think of our trip, what does XW think of my limited contact, does XW think of the time we were reco, what does XW think about the embryo. Etc.

It has to be exhausting. You know it's also a big waste of time because you have no way of knowing, you might be wrong and it doesn't matter. I know it's hard to not have your mind go there.

I believe you are having trouble detaching. It's more than going dark. In fact it's more than any physical action you can do.


I do wish I could offer a step-by-step approach to detatching but it doesn't work like that.

Lastly with respect to your Godly experience in Dec. He operates on his time table. Remember that.

[Crimson]

Thank you, Harrier. It's nice to hear from you again and I hope you are well.

The implosion of this attempted reco kind of sent me back to that mindset that follows the first bomb. You know, where you feel like you're falling down a well and you keep clawing at the walls looking for something to hang on to and break the fall. Logic, reasoning, facts, feelings....you look for all of it to cling to and it just doesn't exist at the moment. I guess that's why I ask so many questions and wonder what she's thinking so much. Feeling that if I could just make sense of something and connect the dots it would be soothing of give me some peace.....break the fall.

I'm getting over it and accepting that I will not find anything to make sense right now. It hurts less and less, but never hits zero.

25 basically penned the ultimate truth about my situation in her closing words yesterday. Not much I can say to argue that.

Crimson

[DigDeeper]

The implosion of this attempted reco kind of sent me back to that mindset that follows the first bomb. You know, where you feel like you're falling down a well and you keep clawing at the walls looking for something to hang on to and break the fall. Logic, reasoning, facts, feelings....you look for all of it to cling to and it just doesn't exist at the moment. I guess that's why I ask so many questions and wonder what she's thinking so much. Feeling that if I could just make sense of something and connect the dots it would be soothing of give me some peace.....break the fall.

Crimson hope you are doing good today. What you said really hit the spot for me when the bomb was dropped for me too. This is a reality checker for me yet again that i need to dig deeper every single day not for my wife but for myself most importantly

[Crimson]

Hang in there, DD.

[Harrier]

Hope, I didn't come off as too critical. Its amazing after a person has been thru this and learns the skills, they still can go back to that place once again - fairly quickly.

I think 25 & Sandy have been spot on.

I just look at how I approach things now as opposed to then. It is strange.

[Crimson]

Not critical at all. Very factual, to be honest.

Yeah, GM - I jumped the gun big time. I think I was so hungry for progress after working at it for so long that I just lost myself. I didn't know how to piece, nor did I know the common pitfalls in piecing. Maybe next time, if there is one.