What the...?

[~ kd ~]

so lth, in a recent post, you indicated that your 10yr anniversary is coming up and you M has been "mostly" as it has been recently.

This I believe is the most important hurdle the two of you face. Now and in the past, and into the future if it is not dealt with.

And as you dealt with it in a destructive way last time, here's the million dollar question...

How can you change your behaviour in how you react to how he behaves when he is "mr. potty pants"? Because your past behaviours (reactions) and his, are why the two of you ended up where you were. Now is your chance to do something different.

[lovethehub]

Thanks KD, thought about this all day. I think the biggest difference is my reactions. Will it be enough? I don't know but I will keep working on it.

The conversation I posted the other day when he first said he was upset was a lot different than it would have been 4 months ago. Back then, I would have been defensive, I would have said things like "Are you kidding me?" "this is never going to end is it?" "I'm tired of your accusations" etc.

For me to remain calm, apologize without justifying and calmly ask if I was doing anything else that made him question me is completely different than the past. Remaining quiet the rest of the night and "letting him be" is also different - in the past I would have made snide comments to him or bugged him about letting it go, etc.

I also took Monday to think about my feelings and while posting to someone on here gave myself perspective on how H felt.

Tuesday morning I asked him to have coffee together and we sat outside and talked. He was a little aggravated at times, kept focusing in on the one act of me minimizing the screen but I remained very calm. I asked him to please address issues right away in the future and when he kept bringing it up I calmly said "I understand why you are upset and why you doubt me, however, I have apologized for bringing up feelings from the past and for making a poor choice, there is nothing else I can do right now to change how you feel except learn from my mistake and not do it again. I didn't minimize the site today when you came down and that was because I learned from yesterday"

He told me he can see the changes in me but is afraid they won't last (wow, how many times have I read that in other threads??!!) so I told him I understood why he felt that way and only time would tell.

It was calm and there were tears from me but it was a good conversation. I brought up a couple of issues that were bugging me that, in the past, I would have argued about and felt that we discussed them well.

I said that I wanted to be able to talk about upsetting things without having to worry that it would affect us for days like in the past and that I didn't want him holding things in, he agreed he felt the same way.

I also said that I wanted him to understand that as scared as he was that I would be with OM again was probably as scared as I was that he would leave again. I said I have felt for years that we keep waiting for the other to fully commit before fully committing ourselves and that this time I had decided I was going to be 100% in regardless of what he did. I explained that didn't mean I didn't have any fear around it but that I was choosing to let it go as best I could and give it my all.

The best part about all of this is that, until DB, this would have been an argument, not a conversation. When H tried to turn it into an argument, I was able to remain calm and keep focused without fighting. Also, when we walked back into the house after talking, I looked at him, smiled and said "Good Morning Honey" and then gave him a kiss like I have every morning for the last month or so. We had a great day and it didn't ruin anything.

Is the change in communication enough or do I need to work on more? (Besides the major way I have changed with my kids??!!)

[~ kd ~]

ok, so you've compared how you would react TODAY with how you would have reacted 4 months ago, which is good. It shows positive growth for you.

Now consider that how you were (yourself AND as a couple)... 3 years ago and five years ago are the basis that got you to your troubled M. How are you NOW compared to how you were 3 or 5 or 9.93 years ago?

Behaving in those same way will net you the same results. Changing yourself in positive ways (while keeping the positive aspects that YOU LIKED and WERE WORKING) might be what makes the difference moving forward.

Hope that makes sense. Anything you can think of?

[lovethehub]

KD,

I have given this a lot of thought, here is what is different:

I am developing deeper friendships with people whose lives do not revolve around drinking. Working at the bar, most of my friends were people who hang out at bars most weekends. I don't really see them anymore, partly because they all hang out where I used to work and I can't go there but also because other than working there, I really only like to go to bars occasionally. H thinks I want to go every weekend, I know he likes my new friendships!

I have started working out again which, along with eating better, helps me to feel more focused and I am able to accomplish things again. Before I would be busy every second of the day and have no idea what I did all day when I felt into bed, exhausted, at midnight. It also leaves me happier, I interact better and have more patience with our children.

I include H in decision making more often. A lot of times it really isn't necessary but since he isn't around as much it makes him feel more involved with the kids and what goes on with them.

I keep my mouth shut when H is doing something that isn't the way I would do it. Cuz my way is right, right??!! It's always little things but I realized I would frequently say things like "that's not the pan I use for bacon", "why are we going this way?" etc.. I never thought about it how it made him feel and that I was constantly suggesting he was doing something wrong.

I don't bring up every little thing that bugs me, or even every. Usually, after a day or two of contemplating whatever it is, it doesn't even matter anymore.

I am speaking his LL's on a daily basis.

I am getting better at saying no so I don't take on too many things.

The things I did before that I still do:

Buy little things at the store to show H I was thinking of him

My own "meals on wheels program" for the older, widowed people on our street

Taking the kids fun places and arranging to have friends over to keep them busy and not just playing video games

Having certain shows that H and I watch together, even if we have to wait a few days. They are little at home "dates"

Take good care of myself, the kids, h and our home

[lovethehub]

I think H and I have been doing okay. We had a few rocky days last week - I laid out some concerns I had about going back to school, I told him I didn't know if it was just fear or if they were as valid as they felt. I also said I didn't want to talk about it that night, I just wanted to share it with him and they we could each process it and talk about it in a day or two. He kept talking about it until I felt myself getting emotional, after the 4th request to discuss it a different day (all calm) he was mad. Then I was mad that he was mad because I always feel I can't share my feelings with him honestly.

The next night I asked if we could discuss the night before and he said yes and when I explained why I felt unheard and frustrated he became mad again and we had another argument.

Somehow we worked through it and had a good week, including a very stressful trip for S's medical issues, things have been good since.

Last night he asked me to read a text he received. It was from one of the coffee girls (they were good friends in their early 20's) telling him her aunt died and that the wake was today, where , when, etc. He said, "If I can leave work for an hour or two do you mind if I go?". When we talked a couple of weeks ago he told me they hadn't talked in at least two years. I said "I appreciate you sharing this with me and I do not mind if you go, I am grateful you didn't go behind my back. I do, however, find it odd that a girl you haven't spoken to in 2 years is texting you to tell you when her aunts wake is. I said if my aunt died, I wouldn't be texting people I hadn't spoken to in years regardless of how good our friendship was TWENTY SOMETHING years ago"

He said "clearly you have a problem with me going". I told him again "I don't, I am glad you shared, I am just pointing out that it seems weird to me and makes me uncomfortable like it did when she was all over your fb page posting misses and kisses every day, however, her motives are not your motives"

He texted me this afternoon and said "FYI, I decided not to go to the wake"

I don't know, maybe we are in piecing? He hasn't SAID "I want to work it out and I am committed to our future", but his actions have changed. He is letting things go faster, we are usually able to talk about things after a day or two or even right away (that never used to happen)and he is doing little things for me. Etc...

I feel better about our M than I have in years..

[Mimi00]

I'm glad your H decided on his own not to go to the wake. Didn't make sense (IMO) and you handled it well.

Happy for your progress and that you're feeling better about your marriage, that is wonderful!

[lovethehub]

Me too, Mimi!

We have been getting along really well and when issues pop up, as they will, we are handling them a lot better than we did in the past.

H said the other day he would like to go back to MC when we get our new health insurance (we have to pay full price for it right now, will only have a copay then ). Ugh. Honestly, I don't even want to go. I have tried researching SBT's around here and the ones that come up don't really seem to focus on MC. We have already been to 4 regular MC's, I only liked one of them and we spent 6-8 months with her. I guess the plus side is that now I feel I can handle talking about whatever he has left inside that he needs to get out and not revert to blaming him. That alone could be huge in our M.

I brought up Retrovaille but more for something to think about for the future. There was one nearby this weekend or next but we can't really commit to the followup at this point because of H's job and S's medical trips.

We can't even find one night to get out, let alone one day every weekend for two months with 4 hours of driving!

[Mimi00]

That's wonderful to hear things are going well for you two!

I don't know if allowed to say the names of other websites here, so I won't right now (I wish there was a way to share things privately on here...)

but when I first start DBing I also did online marriage counseling (alone since H is "done" and not in the living in the same area)
I found it really helpful learning skills for communication, emotional regulation, decision making etc... it was only around $20 a month and you have coach you can talk to to discuss what you're learning. I learned more on how to handle my self better in my marriage on there then I did in 5 real counseling session that just dug up the past. Maybe that's something you two could consider... I wish my H had been around to do it with me

[shouldistillhope]

LTH,

I am wishing you the best. Keep fighting the good fight and don't give up. I hope you and your H find the happiness that has been missing. I am pulling for you two.

[lovethehub]

Mimi..any way to point me in a google direction on that site??

Should i, thanks so much. Have to catch up on your thread tonight. I don't know how I will ever get on here when school starts!