I also think your H is trying, there are signs, but I do have a problem with his "That's just the way I am" defense.
I was rather fond of that one myself pre-bomb#1, when it came to my temper, anxiety, sarcasm etc. It's bullsh!t. We're talking about BEHAVIOUR here, THAT can indeed be modified. Aren't all of us here on the BB living proof of that???
I had some rough moments on our getaway, thinking of all of his hotel suite trysts with the OW. Surely he didn't flick on the T.V with them? Surely it wasn't too much trouble to drive somewhere nice for dinner in a new city, or take a cab? (we had chinese delivery one night). Surely there weren't arguments over THEM being the navigator. And of course, the biggie: surely they didn't spend three nights in a luxury suite complete with jacuzzi and not have sex. (There were a couple of attempts that went nowhere).
I even pointed out how strategically placed the mirror in the bedroom was (did a few poses) but when I returned from the bathroom, H was in the other room with the T.V. on eating some chips.
But then today, feeling overwhelmed by everything, I just came out and asked H if he'd do my taxes for me (I'd been grumbling about it) and he did. I guess we really do have to ask for what we want sometimes. Wish it worked for everything.
so LL just needs to stomp her feet and get it all out once in a while...I can't always pretend that the past doesn't bother me..it does...perhaps with time it wont...but for now it does...
some pleasant things..
h has been expressing his stress lately instead of just being grumpy...he's got a lot to get done in a short amount of time with the season begining...
though I think h is happy to just do his own thing..today I was told that he is getting stressed by the fact that he will not be spending as much time with us for the next few weeks while he's busy...says he spent a lot of time with us over the winter (wich he did..not leaving till 10 or 11 and returning by 5 the latest) and he liked it...he misses playing with the kids and hanging out with me...but there's little he can do to change it right now...and honestly he's right..he does run a seasonal business..that's not to say that the whole summer is him busy busy busy, but the spring is hectic...he talked today about feeling overwhelmed and hating this time of year...feeling trapped..spinning...knowing that it does end but hating it while he's in it...I offered to help in anyway I can...I'd join a work crew for him if need be (hell I can use a blower or power broom as well as the guys) or return phone calls (even stated I don't have to be mrs. landscaper but could be "receptionist") anything to take some of the pressure off him..said please don't hesitate to ask...I will help you..that's what I'm here for..h said thankfully ..I know.
so h is stressed with work...I'm trying to be supportive and make home a place of comfort not pressure..h is wanting to be home...I even suggested why don't we plan a night to go out next week before we leave...pick a movie to go to or something just to have something to look forward to...h's response...I look forward to comming home every night. (aint that sweet)
anyway...
there will be days that LL is pissed and feeling down about the a..LL will throw a parade when ow moves away...there will be good days and bad...there will be ups and downs..h may not always say the words..but heck..h just walked over and hugged me thanking me for making his dinner (all I did was heat up some left over homeade soup and chicken quesadila's) so h does listen.
I just wish this didn't have to happen..or rather if it had to happen I wish there were no ow involved in it just makes things harder on me at times...but I think-scratch that- I KNOW I'll be ok!! ok scratch that too...I know WE'LL be ok!!
Yes,LL you will be OK. It takes time to get the relationship going in its new healthy direction. The thoughts of OW will always surface but they wont be as painful. Your H and mine could be the same man. But that can't be because they leave and return home at the same time. I to get frustrated and want all that special attention. I get it from lots of other people why I don't go for it I will never know. One thought that keeps me going is I turned this thing around with the help of DBing I have got the family back on track. When I see H interacting with the children. I know why I did this and why I am here. I enjoy myself and have just learned to accept the way H is. One thing I did do that might help. My H is the same as yours with he works hard and when he comes home he is finally happy to be here. We never left we want to run. H called I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies, He said no, I said I'm going by myself anyway. That night the cell was ringing and he called to say what movie theatre are you going to. I told him he met me. Of course he chose the movie I didnt get to see what I wanted. That didnt matter. You are doing a great job. Keep those smiles up make it a fun place to return too. The sex thing I think they are just tired getting old. Oh Well. Just my thoughts. I enjoy reading your post. You help me sort out my thoughts. Take care Loretta Just my thoughts.
here's another thought I keep having and it drives me in circles.
when things are well and I am happy with the r and my "family" I start to feel bad for ow.
what if they were just "friends" ok it was an ea but what if they didn't realize how much of an ea it was..after all her h knew of the friendship...once I found out..I made a stink about it...etc etc...my h left...though she wasn't thrilled with her m...she wasn't planning to leave anytime soon...as things progressed negatively with my h and I...her thoughts of her m started to get more and more negative to the point where she's leaving her h even though mine is home and (hopefully) no longer in contact with her. she is a woman who was involved in an ea her h was not...she is leaving him because she thinks he doesn't love her...would it not look the opposite..after all she was the one to have the ea not him...she is the one leaving not him...I just feel bad for her and her family...but then when I feel that way I start to say to myself..stop it LL..she's getting what she deserves..she's gonna learn the hard way what a selfish little brat she really is..why do you even think of helping her family? she cared little if at all for yours.
I don't know..I flip flop on how I feel about her and what she's now doing..I asked my h if he feels at all responsible for what she's doing and his thoughts were...she'd have left eventually anyway...yes he feels a little responsible but she would have left anyway.
Quoting lostlove: oh ya and a recent wording....if I did sleep with her...how would that make you feel better??? I didn't but how would it make you feel better??
thing is it wouldn't make me feel better to know he had...but would make me feel better to know that he could tell me the truth about it.
LL -- When I read this I wondered if what you husband means is this:
You ask if their R was physical and he says "no".
1. He's telling the truth. You don't believe him. You both feel like crap.
2. He's lying. You don't believe him anyway. You both feel like crap.
Point is, doesn't it seem like the ONLY "right" answer is that he DID sleep with her (whether it's true or not) because it's the only answer that you'll accept?
I did this for a while re. questioning H. about whether or not he was still in touch with ow. Simply put, I didn't believe the answer "no" so he was truly between a rock and a hard place.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting lostlove: here's another thought I keep having and it drives me in circles.
when things are well and I am happy with the r and my "family" I start to feel bad for ow.
<snip>
I just feel bad for her and her family...but then when I feel that way I start to say to myself..stop it LL..she's getting what she deserves..she's gonna learn the hard way what a selfish little brat she really is..why do you even think of helping her family? she cared little if at all for yours.
LL --
I've been listening to some audiotapes in my car ("Awakening Compassion") because I've found myself mired in anger at ow and h. I've thought of you a few times during them -- mainly because I see us going through similar cycles in our sitchs.
I think your compassion for ow and her family is truly giving and wonderful. 'course, I don't think you need to "do" anything with it (like give her a copy of DR or anything! -- do you?). If you're at all interested in meditation or "that kind of stuff" you could "send" her courage and clarity or whatever feels right.
I don't think you need to talk yourself out of feeling empathy for what she and her h are going thru. I think it's of tremendous value to your healing process!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
They usually are you screwed up your life big time. You have nothing to show for it. The barfly saw a good secure thing to get her through her old age. Little did she know my H does not part with what is his very easily.
I kinda look at this OW as a sick thought pattern for H linked to his past of looking for his mother. Mother had similar characterists as his OW. She would spread her legs for any man, she didnt have a mother but she did have a grandmother that liked him. When H found his mother she rejected him amd wouldnt tell his grandmother that he found them. So when my h does talk about the past, it must have been so bad because he says if he ever went back this time he would be dead.
I am still very curious, but because of the pain it causes H I have let it die. It still isnt easy.
I see no point in going backwards life is short. I look at this journey I am on as creating good memories for all of our futures. Loretta
I don't think you need to talk yourself out of feeling empathy for what she and her h are going thru. I think it's of tremendous value to your healing process!
just makes me feel like a sap!! people can just walk all over me...treat me like an insignificant little bug...be selfish...and ya know what...pathetic ole LL will still find some copassion within her for you.
it's not worth my time or energy sending anything her way other than the occasion thought of pitty. she is a total waw now and has her supporting group of friends and family who think she's doing the right thing..so then it's not my business to give a ratt about her family...I don't even know them for pete's sake why should I care...cause I'm a sap and I care about families.
but I still would like to spit in her face that would be fun.
Quote: You ask if their R was physical and he says "no".
1. He's telling the truth. You don't believe him. You both feel like crap.
2. He's lying. You don't believe him anyway. You both feel like crap.
Point is, doesn't it seem like the ONLY "right" answer is that he DID sleep with her (whether it's true or not) because it's the only answer that you'll accept?
the right answer is the god's honest truth...whatever that may be...is it possible that the truth has already been told and there was no physical r?? of course anything is possible..somedays I believe...some days I don't.
Yes, LL...it is possible nothing happened... no matter what other people say or assume. I have fully now realized nothing happened between my h and ff...at least nothing physical/romantically. He was drawn in and made some wrong choices...but I trust him when he tells me nothing was going on. If that is what your h keeps telling you, please believe him...I too wonder why my h wanted to go out to lunch with "her" and not me, why did he want to be on bowling team with "her" and not me...why..why..why..maybe because they are fiends, they needed to talk in a way that he and I could not..he felt needed to help her with all her problems...I was a little more stable and did not seem to need him so much...she boosted his ego...things I failed to do..it is hindsight when I look back..but I can't change what happened, and I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my life..if he comes home I am going to make sure that I change the things that I need to and hope he will also. You have not been m near as long as I have been..and I wish I could turn back the time and see all the good that h was and we both took for granted.
Enjoy and cherish all the good that surrounds you...
(like give her a copy of DR or anything! -- do you?). If you're at all interested in meditation or "that kind of stuff" you could "send" her courage and clarity or whatever feels right.