Its tough; getting tougher

[Bluedown]

I wouldn't confess the affair public unless he agrees. That may feel like disrespect and public humiliation to him... Just a thought.

[amy1982]

O help me MR Bond... I am going to argue then take you seriously. I have never had the nerve to stand up to him. He told me one time if a lady rejected him he would feel like that was their decision & he would not reconsider & go back. I'm afraid it would be one last ego blow from me that he would not get over. What if I just told him what you wrote in 2nd last paragraph & then see what he does w/ it? I'm not saying I know best...Im just scared.

[amy1982]

Good thought Bluedown. That's why I hadn't before

[amy1982]

My idea of giving the letter or email & yours Mr B are opposite. Which way should I take? MR B..yours would be a 180 but I would rather be the apologizing lady I've always been.
I do apologize & tell him that I take full responsibility for my A & that feelings of anger are normal for a betrayed spouse (tho not maintained anger) but then I also have the tendency to want him to understand my pain too. Actually the other night I mentioned about getting over his previous affairs & he looked me in the eyes & said "I did Not have an affair" I guess he thinks its fine as long as you don't have sex.

[Bluedown]

Amy,
I would detach.... Take it from a guy who's done everything wrong.
I wouldn't engage him in reason. Let him go and get a life. It's taken me 90 days to figure this out.

[MrBond]

"I have never had the nerve to stand up to him."

That's a bad thing.

"He told me one time if a lady rejected him he would feel like that was their decision & he would not reconsider & go back."

Don't let this fear of yours hang over your head. It is HIS decision to stay away as a father.

"I do apologize & tell him that I take full responsibility for my A & that feelings of anger are normal for a betrayed spouse (tho not maintained anger)"

Maintained anger is perfectly normal. That's what YOU have to understand. The only way to deal with it is to get C and deal with the issues rather than rug sweep. You did it because you felt like you were missing an emotional connection with him and needed someone to fill that void.

"but then I also have the tendency to want him to understand my pain too."

That's natural also. But right now he doesn't care about that and just sees your wanting him to understand as just being selfish.

"Actually the other night I mentioned about getting over his previous affairs & he looked me in the eyes & said "I did Not have an affair"

This never works. M is not a scoreboard. But one person can change the dynamic.

"I guess he thinks its fine as long as you don't have sex."

You don't know what he thinks so don't bother trying. When he starts acting disrespectful to you, you need to stand up to you. Especially if he's neglecting your kids.

[amy1982]

Last nite H brought up the fact that he thinks we need to separate. I told him I would not stand in his way. He seemed shocked that I would even consider HIM moving out. He said "some people think they get to make mistakes & then choose the the repercussions" IOW "you sinned, now accept the consequences" He wants the girls & I to go on a 3 mo vacation so he has time & space to work things out.

[amy1982]

What am I going to tell my parents? They knew something was wrong 4 a long time already. Right now I feel that since H is "tired of keeping my dirty little secret", then Im tired of keeping his. What I want to tell them is that when I found a full two sided page love letter to OW 2 yrs ago (the same one he's w/ now)I gave up the fight. There had been numerous other occasions (his mom approached him one time about things she heard & saw & he turned on her & is no longer on speaking terms w/ her)but he would always do the gaslight technique. But maybe I should just calmly take responsibility & keep his dirty little secrets.
I don't understand why he's in such a hurry 4 me 2 be gone. He doesn't spend any time at home anyway. I do , however know who does cleaning jobs, & he will need a housekeeper. (yes, OW)

[amy1982]

Honestly, I don't want to smear him to others.

[labug]

So don't. You don't have to tell your parents anything other than you're having trouble in your M and are separating.

I know this is difficult and painful, but you need to figure out you.