Hey guys! It's been a while. Things continue to be strange. W still has no idea what she wants. She treated me like a husband for about 6 weeks after moving out. She asked to go on vacation together. We just got back last night. It went OK. She got weird (actually weird for the past 2 weeks ). She finally said that she was stressed out about vacation and was feeling trapped again. She has definitely gone the other way and she no longer acts as if she wants to be around.
Something I am having trouble with. For her new job, she goes out frequently for drinks with her coworkers. She talks frequently about how there are several people at work that are divorced and/or single. I struggle with listening to this. I can't say anything because it will look like jealously which is something she has mentioned in the past that bothers her.
I feel like the vacation set us back weeks. Hopefully this is not the beginning of the end.
Several opportunities are coming up that will put the chance out there to spend time together. I am going to a ball game out of town in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see how this goes. I think she would like to go but I am not sure if I should ask her. It seems like I have to or it would just be rude.
She has a reunion coming up and she said she is really looking forward to it but no mention of me going. That just hurts.
Keep praying guys.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I have only posted in your thread once and that was me asking a question but I have been following you and I have been very curious to hear from you again.
IMHO (and I am not a VET) you need to either pull back or go all in. By all-in I mean MC, Retro or something like that but then again you state that W is pulling back right now and therefore this is a big chance to take. You risk pushing her further away by doing this!
Therefore my suggestion would be to pull back a little and do what we all do: GAL, focus on you and the Ds and detach. This is what everybody is telling everybody and I know you get the drill and the idea. IMO you have a good starting point for future R since your W is still somewhat attracted towards you – this attraction is what you need to work! You need to play your hand wisely now otherwise you will come out pursuing and push her away.
You need to think rationally about the future and then apply patience. You need a path!
I will be praying for you and your family!
All the best !
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Good to hear from you Grizz! You are fortunate that she chooses to spend time with you. That is a good sign. She is telling you that she still needs some space from you so do you best to provide that.
Unfortunately she will be drawn to people that can empathize or relate to what she is going through. There is nothing you can do but let her do her thing and hopefully return to the married life.
Give her space, continue to improve you and be there for you kids!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
My W loves to go out with her single friends, and has been for a while now. My stance is to let go and even encourage it. Seems like she'll have to get it out of her system one way or another.
Curious thing is, I think she's starting to see everyone else's reality... The single life isn't all it's cracked up to be, and many of them are not any happier than the married folks. W's closest GF, who is the same age as her, expresses her frustration at the lack of suitable mates out there. Go figure.
Doing things together is tough when their heart isn't in it. I know this first hand. Still, I think it's important to do some of these things so as to maintain a connection. No connection means you got nothing.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
She treated me like a husband for about 6 weeks after moving out.
My W did something similar, after S she still wanted to do some "family" stuff together but as time went on she pulled back more and more. I think it's just the WAS trying to keep their feet in both worlds in case plan A doesn't work out. As time has gone on it seems like my W has grown more comfortable with her single life though.
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She finally said that she was stressed out about vacation and was feeling trapped again.
Take that as your queue to detach and give her more time and space.
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Something I am having trouble with. For her new job, she goes out frequently for drinks with her coworkers. She talks frequently about how there are several people at work that are divorced and/or single. I struggle with listening to this. I can't say anything because it will look like jealously which is something she has mentioned in the past that bothers her.
Your W is embarking on a new life on her own, unfortunately you've got to quit thinking about her as your W and leave her to live her life. All you can do is concentrate on yourself and make the best of your life without her. That's how I've come to see my W after a year of S, someone that used to be part of my life but isn't anymore. Maybe she will be again some day, but for now she's chosen not to be.
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Several opportunities are coming up that will put the chance out there to spend time together.
Based on her comment about feeling trapped I would not invite her to any activities for a while, and don't expect her to invite you to any.
Thanks guys for the support and insight. Strange past week. W had been very friendly an even affectionate this past week. She invited me to dinner twice. The "smothering" feeling didnt seem to be there. Then comes Friday. After having supper together she dropped me and the girls off at home. They asked her to stay to watch a movie and she declined. She left. I called a mutual friend to see if they (kids) wanted to meet at the park for a while. They did.
Later that night the kids were talking to W and told her that we went to the park. W asked D why we didnt invite her. D told me this the next day. I told W yesterday that I didn't intentionally not invite her. I was trying to give her space especially since she already said that she didnt want to stay to watch a movie with the girls. She teared up and so it was no big deal.
I had friends over last night and W came. She was cold all night. She called today and asked if the girls and I want to go have lunch. She says she needs to go to the store first. I asked how long it would be and she said it would be a little while that she is buying more stuff for the apartment.
As a side note, the stuff she is buying are things that she has said previously that she wouldn't buy unless she knew that she was staying there for the long haul. I guess that is her way of telling me that she is done.
I feel like I can't win. She sets me up for failure. I hang around and I am smothering her. I don't invite her to do things then I am intentionally avoiding her which makes her mad.
I am really getting tired of this. Honestly, every step I make is the wrong step. I know, people will say don't worry about what she thinks or does. Even if it wasn't my W, it is hard to have someone act that way toward you. If it was a friend or coworker that acted this way then it would still bother me.
I have a real hard time being around her when she acts like this. If she no longer wants me in her life then I can't keep constantly hanging around her. I can't take it. It's not good for me. But, if I don't then she gets pi$$ed.
Ok I just answered the phone and it was her asking me about what kind of TV she should buy. Really?!! What does she expect from me?!!!
I have no idea what to do anymore.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I haven't posted on your post in a while Grizz. This seems very similar to where my W was for a while before I told her I was moving on. I didn't say I was done or anything. I just said that I'm going to move forward with my life as if we are divorcing. I want nothing more than a chance to work it out, but I can't play husband to you when you are undecided if you want me in your life or not. I really started to give her space. It was a lot easier when I finally got to a point where I knew I would be ok with or without her. She went to visit OM the last weekend in May. When she got back she had found out the grass wasnt greener on the other side and wanted to work on marriage. Once we were both on same page of wanting to save marriage we got MC and things have been really good so far. We moved to a new city for a fresh start and continue to see a MC. My point is I think you need to let her know that she needs to decide what she wants. Y'all can still be separated and working on marriage like W and I did for 2 months. Just be ready for her decision good or bad. That's where DBing helped me the most. Knowing I would be fine without her. I wanted my marriage, but knew i could get past it
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Grizz, I think you know what you need to do. You practically said it in your post. First these:
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I feel like I can't win. She sets me up for failure. I hang around and I am smothering her. I don't invite her to do things then I am intentionally avoiding her which makes her mad.
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I am really getting tired of this. Honestly, every step I make is the wrong step.
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Even if it wasn't my W, it is hard to have someone act that way toward you. If it was a friend or coworker that acted this way then it would still bother me.
And finally this:
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I have a real hard time being around her when she acts like this. If she no longer wants me in her life then I can't keep constantly hanging around her. I can't take it. It's not good for me.
That is it right there. You can't be around her while she's acting like this. You can't keep hanging around when she doesn't want you in her life. You can't take it, it's not good for you. You are EXACTLY RIGHT. DETACH. GET A LIFE. LEAVE HER TO HER MESS! You can't fix her and you can't save your marriage by pandering to her and sucking up to her. Read what I posted to you up above. Really read it. I'm ahead of you on the timeline, I've already been where you are. You are still clinging desperately to the rope and you are fully locked in on your W's roller coaster. It is going to tear you apart if you don't get off of it.
When I said to read what I posted above, this is what I was referring to:
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Your W is embarking on a new life on her own, unfortunately you've got to quit thinking about her as your W and leave her to live her life. All you can do is concentrate on yourself and make the best of your life without her. That's how I've come to see my W after a year of S, someone that used to be part of my life but isn't anymore. Maybe she will be again some day, but for now she's chosen not to be.
And this:
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Based on her comment about feeling trapped I would not invite her to any activities for a while, and don't expect her to invite you to any.
I know you don't want to do this, your mind is probably telling you it's the wrong thing to do. But again, I'm ahead of you on the timeline and I've already lived through what you're doing right now and I already know it doesn't work. It's a cheeseless tunnel.
cbtdad is telling you much the same and I agree with what he said. It's fantastic that it led to reconciliation for him, but you can't do it with R as the goal, you have to do it with the goal of saving yourself because R may not happen.
