Well it's been a couple weeks so here's another 900 word post of my sitch... Good luck getting through it
Half marathon - Went really well. W was extremely nervous before race so I asked her what pace she wanted to run and paced her. My plan going in was to run my own pace but at start it felt right to run with her and make sure she finished where she wanted since it was so important to her. Average pace was within 3 seconds per mile of her goal for entire 13 miles. I didn't realize the trails were that hilly so I was happy to keep a pace with my knee and ankle injuries. I felt like Daniel in the lion's den with the charity after party but it went good. I was very outgoing and showed the new me. It was good seeing my BIL again and catching up with him. Her parents even initiated numerous conversations with me. W thanked everyone for going except your's truly...in past I would have spun but I kind of expected it. In the end I'm happy I did it and was a part of it and kids got to see me support their mom. Only issue was it REALLY hurt knee and foot (due to compensating for knee) and I'm still recovering, hoping to run again this Saturday but we'll see...
I spun a little going into the race and a few days after but not related to race. The emotional distancing from W was taking a major toll on me and I was letting myself struggle with it. I was basically over thinking things and causing myself stress for no reason. Finally, after a few friends called me out, I got fed up with myself and stopped thinking and just started being. It's hard to explain but it feels so good and empowering to just be...not really sure how to explain it more then that.
Last week + has been very good. I'm doing my own thing and not getting involved with W's stuff at all. Have plans set for next 4 weekends without her and feel fine with it. Kids and I have been doing a lot of stuff together last several weeks and we're getting into our new reality.
Family summer camp we attended last couple years is coming up at end of June and W was ticked I wanted to go when I brought it up to her Sunday night, just making sure there weren't plans already. She said she didn't think it made sense to take kids this year with the current circumstance. Mind reading a little but I think she was ticked because she didn't want us going without her to what has been our family's summer highlight the last several years. I didn't get into it with her Sunday and just went about my business. Last night I calmly told her that I'd be taking the kids to the camp and left it at that, she just said fine but I saw the sadness in her face... The reality that she helped create is this is my new family and she has no power over what I do any longer. My kids want to go and I want to go, that's all I need to know at this point in my journey.
I've also fired my L and went with a firm that specializes in D for men in the area. My previous L was extremely passive and non-responsive and I just wasn't comfortable with him any longer. My W has not been comfortable with this development. She has asked me several questions about it that I've not really answered clearly. I think it signified to her just how serious I was about fighting for custody and that I was prepared to go to court and battle if necessary. She brought up mediation again over the weekend, previous to this she was just being crappy and saying she'll see me in court and I would regret it...
So yesterday she knew I had met with L's for 2 hours and as soon as I got home asked how it went. I just said fine then went and played outside with kids. Long story short, after dinner she had a bunch of calendars out on table with various proposals and we sat and had our first unemotional discussion regarding custody since BD. After about an hour we had an agreement that I'm happy with. She has a few more overnights (for the $$$ obviously) but actual time with them (i.e. guaranteed evenings) has me with just over 50% and the way it will likely work out I'll see them much more then that since I'll get them during her odd work shifts (happen often). I'm also coach of their various teams so anyone wanna bet when practices will be scheduled . The documents are with the L now so I'm hoping to get these signed asap. Big difference from where she was the last several months. This has been a MAJOR source of stress on me so I'm praying it gets finalized quickly before she changes her mind again. She also agreed to no alimony which is nice IF it happens.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Your wife does seem a little panicky now. I recognize this in me too lol. When I was all zen and good and H was struggling, I felt, I think, a little superior, as if I had upper hand. Now he is gaining his own confidence etc. I am little more unsure. So, ya, you certainly read that right
Congrats on the half!!!! Take care of foot and knee... and congrats on hashing out a custody agreement that will work for you :))))
Spartan, it looks that you're making progress with the negotiation. This is one of the hardest parts of the process. And good for you that you switched the L. I hope it all turns out well for everyone. Keep us posted.
Been a couple weeks so time for another update on me...
Kids and I have been having a great time with weather finally turning for good. Lots of bike riding, hiking, swimming, and general playing outside having a blast. They've also taken an interest in golf so we've been screwing around with that. D7 and I are going to family camp and we got the rustic tree house accommodations so she's really excited to sleep in a tree fort (mom would never stay there in years past due to no power). S5 and I are going Go-Karting this weekend and to a Tigers game in July and D7 and I are going to Cedar Point since she's a little adrenaline junkie like I am. Trying to spend time with 3 of us together and with each of them separately doing things they really like the other one may not. The questions from both have started back up now that school is out since they know things were going to start happening after school ended. They still don't seem to ask W any questions so I get them all...
I've been hanging out with friends (golfing, movies, hanging out, etc) a lot more then I ever have which is nice. Coaching just finished this Saturday (S5 was MVP of 6UO team ) so now have Saturday AM's and Wed nights open. Plan to start doing more longer distance runs with Marathon team now that I'm healed up. About a week or so ago I was feeling like I was moving too fast into the single life and, with help, decided to slow it down a bit. Needed to make sure I was doing things rationally and not shifting into my own version of MLC. I may still do some of these things but I was rushing into things like skydiving, new high HP car, buying a Harley, looking at a new quad, etc... No interest in dating at all but other stuff was really pulling on me.
W and I have been pretty distant for most part. We haven't had an argument of any type in weeks and are just kind of coexisting in the house. It's kind of a mixed bag for me. I feel really detached from her and I'm surprised to admit it but right now I really have no interest in her life and she has no real affect on mine (her moods, what she does, etc...). As I think I've said before this has just happened on it's own and not something I'm forcing. I won't lie to you guys, the fact that I've gotten to this point with the woman I love does depress me a little. I know it's where I need to be and it's helped me to start to move on but deep down it's something I wasn't sure would ever happen, at least to this level. Even with this level of detachment at times I still miss my W (or at least some parts of her, other parts I don't miss at all). Just normal emotional type stuff and nothing that has me spinning. With time I'm sure it will get easier. This Friday would be our 16th anniversary; last year we were on a cruise together having time of our lives. What a difference a year makes. Rather then getting all turned around with that thought I think about how good things can be a year from now...it keeps me going. Bunch of friends are taking me out Friday night. I'll have a few drinks (I don't get drunk anymore) and will have fun watching them get stupid.
Did receive paperwork from her L and most everything is in order, most importantly the custody time is right. My L is verifying child support figures because they seemed a little off but nothing surprising for first draft. My guess is it will be locked down within the week and I'll sign the papers next week and be D'd at next scheduled court date (7/1) where judge can sign agreement. One odd thing occurred so far with discussions we've had over paperwork. W asked if we should write in that we would all spend time together as a family on Christmas day. I didn't know what to say to that, I had to have look of bewilderment on my face. I finally asked her why she wanted that. She said kids enjoy spending time together as a family. I told her that hopefully we can do that one day but I didn't think it was probably worth writing in since the purpose of this paper was to redefine our 'family'. Reinforced to me that she really hasn't thought through what D is going to mean or maybe she really is out of her mind.
House is finally going on market next week. Just finishing up a few more things and it will be ready to sell. Houses are selling pretty quick around here now so we'll see what happens. I've also started looking at homes. My kids seem more excited for a new house than I am.
With all that she knows where I stand on the D; still wish we could try to work it out with changes from both of us. I've left the path home as smooth as possible. Not saying it will ever happen or if she'd ever be willing to put in the work but the potholes aren't there. I've made things as easy as they can be through this process (maybe too easy...). Most importantly I also know there is no way I would ever just take her back as is which I wouldn't have been able to say months ago. I feel strong as I ever have and know exactly what I will, and will not, live with.
Personally I'm doing pretty good all things considered. Like I said earlier feeling stronger than I ever have in my life and I know without a doubt I will be ok and my kids will be as good as they can possibly be under the circumstances. Most days for me are good and when the 'down' emotions come up they don't last that long and I'm able to work through them pretty quickly. We're still doing some stuff as a family and they are still very enjoyable for me. They do tend to get me a little down later in the day since that is what I'll miss the most after the D.
There's this weeks novel...see you in a couple weeks
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
While the final D agreement paperwork is just paper and doesn't have to mean anything is over for ever, that maybe something bad is finally over, or that we should lose all hope I can say it still hurts like hell to hold it in your hand (no matter how detached you feel). You won't see me ever writing that it's just paper anymore...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I hear you, Spartan. I didn't even look at the final papers. Just stuffed them in a box and put them in the back of the closet.
Good to hear that, overall, you seem to be doing well and keeping up a positive attitude. Lots of unknown things in your future, but isn't all future unknown anyway? Our sense of certainty is an illusion...
. The documents are with the L now so I'm hoping to get these signed asap. Big difference from where she was the last several months. This has been a MAJOR source of stress on me so I'm praying it gets finalized quickly before she changes her mind again. She also agreed to no alimony which is nice IF it happens.