One of mine is doing everything around the house.. One of his biggest complaints was that I never finished the laundry. Slight exaggeration, I would often finish it but occasionally need help. Anyway, I decided that either way when Im single Im going to have to do it all anyway, why not do it all now..
About 3 weeks ago, I began doing just that.. Wash, fold, put away EVERY LOAD, every time. I have come to wuite enjoy doing all the things around the house.
He has moved into the guest room downstairs. One day I was doing laundry, and I texted him to ask if I could go grab his dirty clothes so that I could have a full load. His response was "whatever, I dont care." While in there, I also cleaned his room and made his bed. He loves having the bed made everyday, and in my opinion its part of the house that I chose to take care of. Since, I have just been doing that every day. He rarely sleeps here, so, its not much to keep up.
Fast forward to yesterday.. We had argued during the day, (detaching is my biggest hurdle) and when he came home he snapped at me, "Ive asked you several times to not clean my room or do my laundry." He had only said that once, and then had since said I could his laundry, and for 3 weeks never made mention of it.
My quandry is... Do I respect his wishes? It makes me feel like I am short changing myself, and not completely fullfilling my 180. Also, he has a tendancy to set me up for failure.... i.e. In two weeks he will likely say something like, "Doing my laundry didnt last very long, you just dont change, just take advantage." If I ask him again he will likely be angry.
Highlight of today... He didnt make any negative comments, and actually sat in the family room for a bit while I was tending to the horses. He even acknowledged me when he got home.
Downside; I did notice that he took our file box containing all of our important documents like marriage cert, birth certs for he, I, and my kids.. there are also tax papers and the scariest of all, the paperwork on the home.
Sigh...
M:42 H:40 T: 18yrs M: 14yrs Open R/M: 18 years D19 S24 From PM 1st S 6 '08 Reconciled 8 '08 H BD, separated 5/9/13 Filed for S on 6/12/13 H committed to monogamous GF now
Well... my PMA just went in the toilet.. H just withdrew $3000 from the only account that I have access to.
Several reasons for this; 1. Trying to seperate money, he cant pull me off the joint account so, he will just take the cash out and open another account. 2. Retainer for attorney. 3. Deposit on a place for he and GF. 4. For GF, to pay her bills, gives her cash so I cant see that hes giving her money.
Im thinking 1, or 2, possibly both.
Now, now Im panicking...
M:42 H:40 T: 18yrs M: 14yrs Open R/M: 18 years D19 S24 From PM 1st S 6 '08 Reconciled 8 '08 H BD, separated 5/9/13 Filed for S on 6/12/13 H committed to monogamous GF now
It sounds like you're on the right track. Enjoy doing the laundry and try to make it permanent. If he complains when you do his laundry then continue to ask for his permission. He may not remember you asking him but if you continue to ask then he may not forget so easily and get as angry.
The "normal" response around here might be for you to respect his request and not do his laundry or clean his room.
The problem with that is, as you suspect, your H could see that as more of the same behaviour.
I agree with Fixer. You may want to be sure to, at least ASK your H if he wants you to do his laundry. You could just make mention on the days that you are doing laundry, that you WILL be doing so and if he wants anything washed, to put it in the laundry basket or laundry room.
As far as his room goes, if you has any suspicion that he is not keeping it clean (like he's living like a teen), then let him know that while you want to respect his wish of not cleaning his room, the reality is bedding gets dirty too and needs to be cleaning and also there is a need to vacuum etc in his room for simple reasons such as keeping control of potential insect or vermin issues, among other reasons.
That would be a healthy way of ensuring you can fulfil that 180.
Also, I didn't notice if you responded to my question on whether you felt you really WOULD be ready for a hetero, monogomous R. Whether with your H or some other man. That is possibly a choice you will have to make if you wish to save your M.
Well... It all blew up again.. he came home early, and told me we had to talk. He told me again of his offer of a settlement, and that he had consulted with an attorney but did not retain one. Also, he pulled $3000 out of our account, leaving me with $600. He admitted to opening a seperate account so that I have no access to HIS money.
I had asked him in the past to not have these discussions with me alone as he twists what I say, and continues to insist that I am secretly building a case against him, that several people have confirmed this. Says that my radical change in behavior, along with the way I have been communicating with him all points to me setting him up. He continued to push the issue, and instead of getting up and walking away I burst into tears, and grabbed my DR book. I tossed it on the kitchen island, and said, "youre right.. I have been working on something. Youre right" He picked it up, read the cover and said, "yeh, right. There is no saving us" I then said to him, "really, the major theme of the entire program is to look inside, identify the issues I have, take responsibility for my role in getting us here and fix ME. Its about being a better person, single or reconciled."
The entire fight lasted well over an hour. I did everything wrong. I argued, I countered, I cried.. Then, the cherry on top.. as he was leaving I asked him if he loves me. I was surprised to hear him say, "Yes, I do love you. I dont like you, and I hate who Ive become being married to you."
He is now paying rent on his GFs place because he says that he cant stand living under the same roof with me. Says that no matter what, he cant afford to maintain to households (he absolutely has a spending problem. 1100 alone is 30 days of just cash pulled put no idea where it went)
After he left, I spoke to a friend for 2 hours, one that supports me DBing, and doesnt talk to any one, including H. She actually told me the same thing I have read here countless times... Dont do any of the work for the D. Told me to keep doing what Im doing, dont move out, and dont contest the divorce, but dont agree to any settlement. Just let the judge handle it. Told me to not have ANY conversations with him at all about anything.
I ended up emailing him, and pretty plainly said that I am not going to make any decisions regarding the D, I wont be discussing it any more, and that this entire process will go as easily or as hard as he chooses to make it. I set boundaries as far as discussing me negatively with others, and let him know I needed to know how he would be handling our joint account.
Kaffe; I am more than happy to live as a het-mono woman for the rest of my life with my H. After the D, itll be quite a long time before I will be ready to even think of dating, let alone worry about the gender of the person!
I had taken off my rings this morning, because I had thought I had finally detached... Fail. He said he noticed it, and I told him, "This is me accepting that I am getting a divorce." I will wear them when I go out, simply because I dont want to deal with being approached.
I expect him to file very soon. Im going to continue the program, for me. Ive been his wife/partner for so long, Im going to need to figure out who I am without him.
M:42 H:40 T: 18yrs M: 14yrs Open R/M: 18 years D19 S24 From PM 1st S 6 '08 Reconciled 8 '08 H BD, separated 5/9/13 Filed for S on 6/12/13 H committed to monogamous GF now
We all have our own unique versions of "tangled messes". What becomes clear is, as we step back and take a more holistic look at each sitch, the themes become similar.
Whether your H's earnings are in the top 5% or not, one thing you are noticing is clear. Money can disappear faster than it comes in.
Also, your H blaming you for HIS life is such common part of the WAS script. Plus, in the current context of your M, he IS having an A.
Keep working on yourself. I am certain that you wish to be in a hetero, mono M with him at this time, and may choose to do so for life. For now, keep that in mind as you move forward, it can help keep you grounded.
I'm not sure if you mentioned whether you have been working. Is that something that you could consider, at this point? If he's financially starting to withhold from you, you will want to figure out how to support yourself in the mean time.
The morning of the 8th, he texted me to tell me about the bank account, I was free to spend the money in there.. and disposition of the horses. I responded that as I had expressed in the email, I would not discuss these items unless there is a mediator, and suggested a mutual friend. I repeated that I would not agree to terms or deadlines without a witness to the discussion, and he then told me to call someone. I again reiterated that this was his choice, as such he needs to make the calls necessary. He then told me that he wouldnt call anyone, and I said that meant that I wouldnt agree to any terms. At that point he told me that he doesnt need any agreement, he will do what he pleases with our account etc without my approval. I told him again, that I do not agree, and then explained that due to his threats, I felt bullied. He told me to call another person to mediate, and I repeated that this is his choice, his call. Finally, he called and set up an appt for Monday evening.
I had been working in the stalls, and my phone had been charging. He texted me 3 times in regards to the appt. He made the appt to speak about final divorce settlement, and not the current state of our account or the horses. I again repeated that he was supposed to have set the meeting to resolve the immediate issue of the bank account, and horses. Suddenly he called me to demand what I had written a check for $609 for. I told him I hadnt written a check for that amount. I ended the conversation, went on to the account and saw that now the account had $880 in it. (Still a $1200 check outstanding) I texted him and I expressed my concern for the fact that he had emptied the account, and that I was uncomfortable with him leaving me with no money. He told me "Well, I was going to put some money into the account, but not with that attitude."
He started badgering me via text, then said, "Remember, when youre out on the streets you chose this." More badgering, his main theme being that I am only with him for the cash. I continued to ignore his messages. Finally, he texted saying he would not contact me again, and I am not to ever contact him. The following morning, I received a text from him where he told our roommate to release my gun to me... (he has been telling the roommate to not give me my gun as I am emotionally unstable, he told another friend that he believes I would kill him.) Then another text, come to find out the $609 was a check he wrote and forgot about, and now, with the other checks he wrote, the account will be overdrawn.
Another phone call.. in which he badgered me some more, and then accused me of spreading lies about our divorce. I ended the conversation. I again asked what I was supposed to do about the account that was going to be overdrawn with my cell due. He then told me that I should just take all the money left in the account, "Spend it all, you have no concern for either of our financial well being." Then "I will no longer utilize that account" Back and forth about my horse... Thats another nightmare.. He tried to take him, but, I was able to stop that.
Then he began to call our friend who was going to help us mediate our divorce settlement, and we spent all day on the phone back and forth... He finally got so angry he told her, "I will stop at nothing to destroy her and make sure she is left with NOTHING." All because I wont leave the house by July 1.
He came into the house that night around 9pm. He came into the master, (he moved into the guest bedroom on May 9th.) I asked him to leave, I told him I was not comfortable with him in the room, as he was already beligerent, and antagonistic. He told me it was his d*** house and he could do what the f*** he wanted when he wanted in what ever room he wanted. I continued to ask him to leave. He sat down, and began to badger me again. I sat on the bed and just kept saying "ok" to his comments, which ranged from "Youre a pathetic money hungry b***" to, "If you had just left when I asked you to weeks ago with just your car and some cash I would have taken you back, cuz you would have proved that you dont want to be a burden anymore!" to "I hope you have cancer and die a long and painful death." He finally left after 45 minutes of telling me that this is getting ugly because I am forcing him to be ugly. As he exited the room he threatened to badger our female roommate as he feels she is on my side. He then called her and put her in tears.
After he left, I called our friend that was trying to mediate for us, and she told me that from henceforth notify him that I am recording every conversation, and then show him my phone and record. The next day he came into the house, began instructing our female roommate that she was to clean her room because there will be a realtor coming to take pictures, that he already has a buyer lined up.(yes, I was recording) He then turned to me. I asked him questions about the things he said the night before and he categorically denied all of it. He then began accusing me of being addicted to prescription pain killers. I offered a drug test immediately, he left.
He came to pick up his GFs (she was with him) horse today, and he arrived with a Sheriff. I was VERY grateful the Sherif was there. I had prepared the horse for transport, groomed her, and had all of her tack cleaned, and arranged neatly next to the stall. The GF still complained.
He then came into the house with a list of items that supposedly his GF said was hers. The Sheriff stayed out with the GF. My friend was here as well. He began taking items that belonged in the our home, and he said "Dont speak to me" when I objected. I left the house and stood out front with the Sheriff.
I have been advised that I must now file the divorce, so that I can stop him from removing items from the house, and replenish the bank account.
Whew! LOL
Kaffe; I have several medical issues that makes getting a regular full time job difficult. Also, I have been advised by another friend who is a partner in a law firm, to NOT get a job until the divorce is final.
Also, reconciliation at this point is going to take more than simply him leaving his GF and working to heal our M. His behavior is so erratic and out of character that Im now becoming concerned for him. Sincerely.
He had changed his default pic on FB to a picture of he and his GF. I expressed that since we are are all now monogamous, none of us are divorced, that he is now having an affair. His response was, "you encouraged this relationship, you cant tell me Im cheating now." His GF also told the Sheriff the same thing.
M:42 H:40 T: 18yrs M: 14yrs Open R/M: 18 years D19 S24 From PM 1st S 6 '08 Reconciled 8 '08 H BD, separated 5/9/13 Filed for S on 6/12/13 H committed to monogamous GF now
Since they came to pick up her horse, we've had no contact. H deposited money into the account to cover a check he had written. I decided it was time to take control of my life and stop being the victim.
I hired an attorney. I cried as I walked out of his office, and had a few minutes if a good cry in the parking lot. So not what I wanted, but I had to stop his moving money, and trying to sell assets. I originally signed for divorce. That was Tuesday. Wednesday morning I woke up, called the attorney, and had them change it to Separation. It still freezes everything so H cant move assets, and I can get a Temp Order for Support.
As I was getting ready to go see friends last night, I also made another choice. Its a 180, GALing, and self preservation all rolled into one. Ive decided I am going to get a job. I dont care if it lowers my ultimate support amount. I have never been ok with H having to sell everything to "pay me off". I can only work part time due to my physical limitations, but, if I can bring home half of what I know the courts will award me, then I am no longer 100% dependant on H, I can gain some independance, and I can start putting some cash away for thuings like deposits etc when the D is final. The cherry on top, he gets to keep everything he has worked so hard for, brings him closer to the amount he originally offered, and doesnt break him.
All I need now is for him to give me a couple months (maybe up to 4) to establish my job, get my credit clear, and get some savings. It will also give me a real world snapshot of what Im going to need on a monthly basis to be ok.
Im very excited about this to be honest. Im going back to something I had done breifly in the past, and really enjoyed it. The nosey roommate will actually be able to help me with connections as well. Plus, I can also pick up working on my own company, that has started and stopped about 5 times over the last 15 years.
I had a dream Wednesday afternoon that H came back to me, suddenly, as quickly as he left. I am realistic enough to know that was all just a fantasy, and Ive done way too much damage during this process for that to br true. Wont stop me from DBing, til Ive gotten to the stage that its made permanent improvements in my life...
I know he will respond to the the Seperation with D. thats ok. I have finally (I hope!!) detached, and can really honestly look at myself with honesty. While Ive made some major 180s, the job is the key to my future.
M:42 H:40 T: 18yrs M: 14yrs Open R/M: 18 years D19 S24 From PM 1st S 6 '08 Reconciled 8 '08 H BD, separated 5/9/13 Filed for S on 6/12/13 H committed to monogamous GF now
