Not New to This Anymore

[steveh27]

Since my last trip to visit a good friend, I've had a complete turn around. The trip was both a getaway and also a time to reflect without the family. I missed them. I had "opportunities" to forget about the W during this trip and I did not indulge. I couldn't. I was scared ... not sure why .. but I think my heart is not going to move on easily.

Returning home - I had a talk with the W and apologized for some behavior that was, I believe, a phase in dealing with a WAS and the hurt and protective feelings you go through during the early stages of grieving a marriage. I was angry, still am, but I was doing things that was not helping my cause. (ie. creating separate bank accounts, saying guilt provoking things, just being an a$$ in general). Now was the W pushing buttons and cornering me into conversations I did not want to have, yes. But at the end of the day I was just not handling this very well for someone that wants to still save their M.

So the W took the kids to visit her sister for a couple of days. Again more time to reflect, although I could've used this time to do some GAL'ing, except for one night, the schedule didn't really coincide with friends as it was in the middle of the week. I came home to an empty house and watched some movies and made the best of it. I made the mistake of watching the movie crazy, stupid love. DO NOT DO THIS!!!! I was a blubbering idiot for most of it but I couldnt stop watching.

So the W and kids came back. It was nice to have a house full but I know my future will not have this in it more than 50% of the time, so I should start getting used to it.

My attitude has changed a complete 180 since the talk with the W. We are communicating better than we have in a long time, making jokes with one another, looking at apartment brochures/floor plans together with the kids, having dinner as family. One night, the kids were all at friends houses for sleep overs, the W came home around 9:00pm from her BFF's where they had a drink and a movie. We both decided to go to bed early and we ended up watching TV and talking about nothing in general. She seemed in a good mood, and I wondered if she was thinking of more (ie. intimacy), we were up for another 2-3 hours or so, which is rare. It just had that awkward, nervous feeling you have with a new girlfriend ... and I sensed it with her. Nothing happened as I didnt feel comfortable broaching the subject ... but she did sleep closer to me that night and let her body touch mine for periods of time. This was never the case before as she would sleep with her back to me and clinging her side of the bed. We have a king size bed, plenty of room, so this was something that tweaked my thoughts a bit.

This new turnaround for me has also helped having a more PMA, as it is a whole lot easier being nice than angry all the time. Do I have days when my emotions get to me, absolutely, but now I go to a different room, let it out and move on. However this turns out, I hope I AM able to move on, it's hard to see through the trees right now.

[steveh27]

Just going to journal a bit.

Had a bit of a back pedal. It's is so hard for me to not have control over my emotions. I can't get out of my own way at times.

W went out with her SIL for dinner around 5:30. Kids texted her and I guess she didn't answer. My S15 wanted to go to a friends house with other friends but the W and I are not a fan of this family and the way they raise their kids. I said no ... and S15 gets upset and asks why and I tell him the toned down truth of our feelings. He obviously at 15 doesn't get it and texts my W. She texts him back and says "Dad has his reasons for saying no". Saying that unfortunately left an opening for the S15 to keep asking me and blaming me for the reason he's not going. I get upset and text her back with "I'm sick of being the bad guy - at this point I dont care what he does." Yes, I was not in a good mood and handled it poorly in hindsight but I felt left out to dry, which plays into a theme lately for my situation. Ok, I was feeling sorry for myself a bit also in all honesty.

This played into the rest of the evening when the W wasn't home at 11:00pm (which is very very rare), and it got the best of me.
She came home around 11:30pm and said her sister and brother (SIL's husband) met up with them at a pub. I was already upset from before and asked if she could of respected me enough to let me know she was going to be out later than just dinner. We got upset and I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore and we went to sleep. Again in being honest, jealousy definitely was my issue here, on a couple different levels. I was jealous she tends to go out more than I do. I was jealous she looked great. She never looked this great since we were first married, although either did I until recently. Not pointing fingers on how well she looked but more of why. I know she is looking to move on and wants to look and feel good for herself and unfortunately someone else. I know I have to shake these feeling if I am going to be mentally healthy, but holy cr#p it is hard as a LBS.

Unfortunately this is the stuff that would drive her crazy during our M and I'm not helping my cause by not detaching enough not to
backpedal like this.

I almost feel I need an IC again to deal with my emotions. I should have stayed with one but was feeling I was just regurgitating the same old stuff early on. My thoughts and the situation has matured (I use the term loosely for myself) to a point where it may be helpful to talk some of these things out in more detail.

[steveh27]

Need some advice still. I think I know the answer but would appreciate some feedback and thoughts.

Going through mediation and finalizing maintenance for the W. I would like to push back to protect myself financially in the future but obviously would like to keep the road paved back. She is getting a very fair deal and could live comfortably without getting a job ... but that is with 100% child support and maintenance inc. We will be sharing custody 50%.

This is a dance that is delicate but I struggle with earning respect by not completely giving in on this.

[subguy]

Steve, protect yourself financially... period. You do not have to be a jerk while doing this and you can always give more later,if you feel the need. You have to figure out what you are comfortable with and fight for that. Remember after you sign the papers you have to live with your decisions.

What do you want Steve? Figure that this divorce IS going to happen and sit down and think about what you need. It's okay to voice your wants, needs and desires, because you will have to live with your decision for at least nine years. Dig deep here...

[steveh27]

Subguy - thanks for your input. I know I wont be a jerk doing it but the actions will speak loudly. Its hard to do this with compassion and be subtle. Yes I know the D is imminent. Like u said I need to dig deep and determine what I want.

Im not a person who would leave her struggling ... as my kids will endure that also. I want to give enough to do something but not enough to do nothing ... if that makes sense. I feel right now she will be getting more than whats fair. But my fair and her fair and the courts fair will certainly differ.

[steveh27]

Been doing better this week. Went out with friends for a little bit one night. Also played some golf with some other friends at a private course one of them belongs to. We hung out after and had some dinner and drinks. It's always nice to get out for most of the day and do something fun. Sure we talked about my situation as they are aware of it, but its still good to just go and do anything, even though golf is the most frustrating sport known to man.

W and I had a talk the other day. It got emotional and I started to walk away. She mentioned she can't even talk to me anymore because I just shutdown and walk away. I just looked at her with a "really?!?" expression on my face. I didn't say anything and I sat back down and said "I'm right here - go ahead". She started crying and mentioning that she's struggling really hard lately and that she went to the doctor and she is on AD's. I just listened and said a few things to try and validate (I'm getting better I think). She went on to say she is having a hard time and scared about getting a job, living on her own, finding a place to live etc., however she is not saying anything about struggling with her decision to end our M ... and I didn't ask. Although during the long conversation I did say something along the lines of - "you clearly don't want to be around me anymore, as you are always looking to get out of the house". Yes this was a bit of a pity statement and I slipped and an obvious mind reading mistake on my part. Although she said "that is not true - and you have no idea what I'm thinking or why I'm doing things."

She is absolutely right, I dont know what she is thinking and why she is doing certain things ... and she called me on it. As I mentioned above it's completely guessing and I need to stop. Although it would be easier if she actually told me, but that's not going to happen, at least right now or ever.

I believe some reality is setting in for her, and myself also for that matter, as I think a very small bit of the fog she is in may have dissipated.

I don't write as much anymore but I do try to when I have an event where I need some advice or clarity. I think from a PMA standpoint I'm much better than I was, but I still have a long road in front of me with many changes still yet to come.