Now 2+ yrs time to get off this limbo

[MrBond]

One thing you have to understand about gucci's "advice". He had never dealt with an A in his sitch, yet he would preach to everyone that was in an A situation that his slash and burn method was the ONLY way and that anyone who didn't believe it was "sheep". And when pressed about what his "story" was, he gave excuses like "there's no reason to bring up the past", etc. That's a very important distinction to understand.

[Strongerthanthis]

Good point Mr Bond everything must be kept in context. I was also of 'if there was an affair then kick them to the kerb' school.WhenI found out about the affair in my situation...anger, disbelief and a 180 in what I had always thought I would do, I went all ' melty man ' trying to pleases her, to win her back.

I'm back here after a long time as a good friend is just going through it all now and it's hard seeing him make the same mistakes I made.

So Newman keep filtering everyone's advice as your doing, there is no magic bullet just patience and it sounds such a cliche but detach and keep moving forward with your life. This is extremely hard having spent half your life with someone so keep posting and vent' and asking questions.

[Strongerthanthis]

And yes you've got it, it's exactly what DB is all about.

[jp787]

I do filter what I get from here and whatever I think fits my sitch I apply.

Newman,

I too think along these lines, yet... I warn you to be extremely careful as I am finding out that some of what I have filtered was in fact the very things I needed to do most.

All I can say is it is a very, very fine line and for me I have to check my self to make sure I am not taking great advice for the wrong reason.

I have been wrong, even when I was right.

[newman7977]

I do filter what I get from here and whatever I think fits my sitch I apply.

Newman,

I too think along these lines, yet... I warn you to be extremely careful as I am finding out that some of what I have filtered was in fact the very things I needed to do most.

All I can say is it is a very, very fine line and for me I have to check my self to make sure I am not taking great advice for the wrong reason.

I have been wrong, even when I was right.

JP, good to hear from you. You sound well! Yes I agree, it's always a battle picking up the choice we need to apply in our sitch. But one thing I've learned or perhaps have grown to do is not to be hard on myself. Understand we're not perfect and accept things as it is.

Good point Mr Bond everything must be kept in context. I was also of 'if there was an affair then kick them to the kerb' school.WhenI found out about the affair in my situation...anger, disbelief and a 180 in what I had always thought I would do, I went all ' melty man ' trying to pleases her, to win her back.

I'm back here after a long time as a good friend is just going through it all now and it's hard seeing him make the same mistakes I made.

So Newman keep filtering everyone's advice as your doing, there is no magic bullet just patience and it sounds such a cliche but detach and keep moving forward with your life. This is extremely hard having spent half your life with someone so keep posting and vent' and asking questions.

Hey stronger, I meant to say welcome back man! So your sitch is '07? How's everything after all this years? I got to read up on your sitch. I really appreciate you coming back and sharing your thoughts. I think u mentioned you ended up D? I gotta confess man, when I was looking online about my sitch, I was looking to read what will make me feel good and confident and this DB boards did it for me. I do feel like I'm saving myself...I didn't like what the bomb made me you know the begging, pleading...etc. I was like WTF is wrong with me. Then I found these boards and felt better. Hey what about an update on your sitch, you know post D? You sound you're in peace stronger. I'm really not afraid of D anymore.

One thing you have to understand about gucci's "advice". He had never dealt with an A in his sitch, yet he would preach to everyone that was in an A situation that his slash and burn method was the ONLY way and that anyone who didn't believe it was "sheep". And when pressed about what his "story" was, he gave excuses like "there's no reason to bring up the past", etc. That's a very important distinction to understand.

MrB, thanks for that insight I made a mental note on that. Anyway, I fast forwarded your sitch and your last topic was you and your W were still separated. Care to share how did you two get back together? Did I miss your piecing thread? You had good threads because you took all the questions that runs in my mind all the time.

Well gotta get some sleep, it was a friggin whirlwind at work...put about 13 hrs so I'm beat. Then tomorrow's big grad for d18 and culmination for s14. S3 will be in pre school next school yr. . The WAW, well she's actually been nice and bought me dinner. Tomorrow I gotta exercise and ride my bike about 15 miles.

'Night DB,
Newman

[AnotherStander]

So this morning the convo went like this:

Me: what do you want to do with our M?
(Newman, why are you going there? You know per DB'ing you should NEVER initiate talks like this, unless you're prepared to end the M because that's usually what it forces the WAS into saying)
Her: idk it's so hard
(Typical WAS response)
Me: well we can't be in limbo forever
(You're applying pressure to her, forcing a response, and that response will be to end the M)
Her: I know but I have no feelings for you
(Again, typical WAS response)
Me: well it's obvious I'm the last person you care about and your "feelings" for me is gone then we should go our separate ways. We should do it as early as next week.
(If your goal is to save the M, then ultimatums like this drive you farther and farther from your goal)
Her: ok
Me: we will give the house to the kids so that they don't have to move from place to place. I will live with my mom you live with your parents or idk wherever you wanna live.
(Sounds like you're really trying to control the sitch, that's very disrespectful towards your W)
Her: I'm not moving out.
Me: then I have no choice but to take my kids with me on the days I have them at my mom's house.
Her: no lets leave them here ok I will talk to my parents.
Me: we should talk with kids over dinner next weekend.
Her: ok

First, do you want to end the M (or otherwise force your W to end it)? Second, if the answer to that is "yes", have you really given yourself time to consider if you really do want to go there? Because in my sitch, there was a time that I was convinced that I was done and I was ready to initiate D. But I resisted forcing the issue and gave myself a few weeks to really think about it. After that soul-searching, I discovered that I really didn't want to end it, and so I went back to GAL and giving my W time and space. Don't make any rash decisions, give YOURSELF as much time and space as you give your W.

[newman7977]

AS,

I agree to not initiate talks but at some point don't we need to have that talk?

The sitch is 2+ yrs and its repeating the same cycle. Don't you think it's time to do something different? I feel like being in the same house has been a cheese less tunnel.

I'm to the point I want to try living without her so I can sort if I really want this. Yes sounds like I'm borrowing a WAS' script doesn't it?

She's checked out of the M. She's getting the best of both worlds. I'm shielding her to put on a fake "happy family" for her family then she goes on to OM to get her fix.

Am I done ? No. But if she choose to keep the EA then I'm out. I will not stay with that going on.

She's so hung up on her fantasy, she needs to go through that to realize what she really wants. My only condition is that she do that while we're not living in the same roof.

Ok gotta go thanks for stopping by AS.

Neeman

[Strongerthanthis]

Newman,
A little background to my sitch so you can put what I say into context.

Yes I ended up divorced, my biggest mistake was not giving my EXW space, I was so desperate to regain my family I would jump at the chance to 'be a family' be it going out for coffee, taking everyone swimming anything we could do all together. This was something I had avoided due to pursing my career. My wife even told me I did n't give her a chance to miss me. I focused on being a provider rather than a family man, get that right and you'll never end up here!

Today I'm with a very special lady and it has got better but the years I spent alone building a new relationship with my children and seeing them adjust, I won't lie has been very hard.

So your phone call with your wife I thought was excellent, you put the ball back firmly in her court, stated your boundaries and low and behold she respected them. My one big piece of advice is allow them to live life without you. You don't want them to come back because it's the easier option, they have to come back because they fall in love with you again and only you know what will make that happen (big clue, what where you like when they met you and what are you like now...?)

As for pussy footing around, being yourself is not being controlling. If that's how you ended up then change it. I'm sure as hell you weren't controlling when you met, regain that spark, you did n't need to control anyone back then because you were to busy living your life.

As I said I pursued my career to the detriment of my marriage, the key is to know the balance of being true to yourself and giving the love to your partner,I don't have the answer but keep working on it and it gets easier.

[newman7977]

Newman,
A little background to my sitch so you can put what I say into context.

Yes I ended up divorced, my biggest mistake was not giving my EXW space, I was so desperate to regain my family I would jump at the chance to 'be a family' be it going out for coffee, taking everyone swimming anything we could do all together. This was something I had avoided due to pursing my career. My wife even told me I did n't give her a chance to miss me. I focused on being a provider rather than a family man, get that right and you'll never end up here!

Today I'm with a very special lady and it has got better but the years I spent alone building a new relationship with my children and seeing them adjust, I won't lie has been very hard.

So your phone call with your wife I thought was excellent, you put the ball back firmly in her court, stated your boundaries and low and behold she respected them. My one big piece of advice is allow them to live life without you. You don't want them to come back because it's the easier option, they have to come back because they fall in love with you again and only you know what will make that happen (big clue, what where you like when they met you and what are you like now...?)

As for pussy footing around, being yourself is not being controlling. If that's how you ended up then change it. I'm sure as hell you weren't controlling when you met, regain that spark, you did n't need to control anyone back then because you were to busy living your life.

As I said I pursued my career to the detriment of my marriage, the key is to know the balance of being true to yourself and giving the love to your partner,I don't have the answer but keep working on it and it gets easier.

Stronger, I appreciate you sharing your sitch. Did you have to deal with an OM in your sitch?

I too was too desperate to save my M and so focus on that that I didn't like what I've become. Now I truly believe that I will be ok and even looking forward at the opportunity to have my own life with my kids if my W doesn't come back to R.

I was walking on eggshells thinking if I said was gonna break this etc but in reality the M is already over as of now. I'm not afraid of D anymore it's just a piece of paper we've been emotionally D two yrs ago so what's the difference if we sign papers now. But I won't do it, she will have to do all the work to D.

Funny now that I told her she's free to go, she won't go. I suppose that's good that she's really confuse in her head and she needs to sort it out. I think confusion is good meaning the WAW is seeing some good things in the M to stay and think about losing their M.


I'm out of time I will check back later.

Newman

[AnotherStander]

I agree to not initiate talks but at some point don't we need to have that talk?

If you're done, because the chances are that pushing for that talk is going to force things to end. And maybe you are done, all I'm saying is just make sure you are before proceeding with that.

The sitch is 2+ yrs and its repeating the same cycle.

There's an MLC site that closely mirrors DB'ing, I signed up for their emails and got one today that was talking about how it takes the MLCer 2-7 years to emerge from MLC. It says that any reconciliation in less than 2 years post-BD is a false start. I'm not up on your sitch so don't know if your W is MLC, but really just about any WAS is at least partially MLC in my opinion unless there was some form of abuse involved. So even though 2 years may seem pretty final to you, it's actually not unusual at all for it to take at least that long before things start to turn around (I'm sure there are a lot of new readers that are reading this and groaning right now, LOL!)

Don't you think it's time to do something different? I feel like being in the same house has been a cheese less tunnel. I'm to the point I want to try living without her so I can sort if I really want this.

I understand what you're saying, just make sure that's really what you want because if you do S and then later wish you hadn't, you can't stuff that particular genie back in the bottle. I didn't want my W to leave, but I told her I supported whatever decision she made and unfortunately she decided to leave. With S I've certainly undergone a lot of personal growth, but my M is all but dead now and I think S had a lot to do with it. At the time we S'd I was hopeful that it might actually lead to healing of the M, but now 8+ months later I feel it just drove us farther apart.

She's getting the best of both worlds. I'm shielding her to put on a fake "happy family" for her family then she goes on to OM to get her fix.

I agree with you that that has got to stop. She's cake-eating and you shouldn't facilitate that.