Your post really touched me... I can feel your pain and can see how much you are missing your kids. On top of that, you didn’t choose to be in this situation - your W left, so why should you now be punished by not seeing your kids, or financially…
I do believe my case is a bit different, though and I share it so you can see that things are not always as easy or black and white as they seem. I am not trying to convince you of anything, just sharing with you another perspective...
When my H left, he said he wanted a D and I’d have to support myself because he didn’t want anything to do with me. Our girls were 2 and 3 and I was 9 weeks pregnant at the time (and he knew it).
He went into party mode and would come visit the girls whenever it worked with his schedule, unplanned and unannounced. Sometimes he had dinner with us, sometimes he would just crash on the sofa. Often times he was only immersed in his texts with OW and leave the girls watching TV... This went on until I set boundaries for when he could come into my home and asked that he left his phone in his car. He accused me of being irrationally jealous and trying to control him.
When he moved out, he had a completely empty spare bedroom at his place, yet didn’t get furniture for the girls or had them spend the night until months after moving out. A month before our son was born, I asked if he was getting ready for his arrival. He said he didn’t realize the baby would also spend the night with him, that he didn’t have a crib. He added he was unsure if he could handle all three kids at once. In the end, he agreed to having all spend the night, still only during the weekend because it would be too much for him during the week since he was working and I wasn't.
The first time he brought up 50/50 custody to me was after he talked to a lawyer (and denied it). He brought me a settlement proposal to figure things out “without fighting and lawyers.” We’d share 50/50 custody, he would give me no alimony (although I was legally entitled to 6-7 yrs. of it) and we would split all children’s costs “50/50.” The way it would work was that I would need to separate all my living expenses between what I spent when I had the kids, vs. when I didn’t - and he would contribute to 50% of kids' expenses for only the time they were with me. This included gasoline, groceries, etc.
When he first asked for 50/50 custody, I was also unsure if that was the best for the kids and told him so. From a purely practical standpoint, how was I going to be nursing a newborn if he wasn’t with me for 50% of the time? Yet I also knew that the kids need their father too. I was very confused so I talked to two therapists on my own. I wanted to make sure I was being fair and not acting from a place of anger or control.
They both said that given how so very young the girls were, and due to the fact that I'd also have an infant shortly, that is was not advisable to have the kids going back and forth between two homes, resulting from a 50/50 split. At the time, my H was also traveling frequently for work and to see OW, which made the situation even more complex.
When I told my H, he was livid and started accusing me of wanting to control him and taking the kids away. I tried to convince him, but failed. I then asked him to go see a counselor together so we could both state our case. I promised him beforehand that I would abide by whatever the counselor’s final recommendation was; and that if that meant 50/50 custody, I would do it. And I meant it…
The counselor came back with the same opinion – 50/50 wasn’t the best for our kids at least for the next few years.
We have agreed to a temporary 65/35 custody arrangement, yet he is still very unhappy about it.
I used to invite H to join us during our outings and invited him to come to my place. He always declined and I reached a point where that wasn't working for my detachment either, so I don't invite him anymore. Needless to say, he never invites me either.
H says "how can anyone in their right mind say that it's best not to let a father be with his kids 50% of the time." I get why he is upset, yet I have chosen to trust the experts given our situation...
At the end of the day, and even if I am making a mistake, I know my intentions re. custody have always been to do what is best for the kids, so I am good with all of this and have learned to detach from my H’s anger about the issue.
Yet that doesn't mean I don't empathize with a parent wanting to be with their kids and I don't doubt that he loves them.
As for his intentions re. asking for 50/50 custody… His own actions since he left have made me doubt if he is not just financially or selfishly motivated. Yet since that is outside my sandbox, I have continued operating from a place of doing what is best for the kids since that is all I can control...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
When my H went to Thailand with OW for 10 days and told me two days after his return that we'd be out of cash at the end of May. He said if he didn't have any job prospects by then, he'd have to move out of his apt. and go live with a relative or friend and that I needed to figure out how to pay my expenses. I immediately started looking for a job. I was freaked out about not having money to even pay for my rent.
My L was concerned that if I went back to work before H found a job, that he might ask for alimony and child support from me...
We decided to send him a proposal asking that we both agree not to seek alimony from each other until we both were employed.
H responded saying that he "agreed to not seek spousal support from me unless it was absolutely necessary to provide him with the resources for his minimum and basic living expenses."
All I can say is that I was crushed... Hurt, disappointment, disbelief, anger - I felt it all. I made the decision to let it all go. I called my L and told her to give him all he wanted. To draft an agreement where I agreed to 50% custody and where I permanently give up my right to seek alimony from my H and that I agreed to splitting the kids' expenses 50/50. We asked that he assume all the debt incurred since he stopped working, although I don't expect him to agree to that.
I told my L that my only non-negotiable is that I will not support him - ever. I am done fighting and I cannot deal with this stress, anguish and fear while I try to rebuild my life and support myself and my kids.
My L said I was basically negotiating against myself and suggested telling H that I was willing to give him what he wanted and asking him what he was willing to give in return.
H was furious and is now accusing me of using the kids as pawns and wanting to negotiate the custody.
Simultaneously I started working. H was furious that I only told him the day after I started working. In his proposal he has requested that we inform each other of a new job within 48 hrs. of starting it, so I was well within that timeline). Yet he claims I knew for weeks before I started (I did) and that I should have told him then. (I didn't trust him). His L accused me of ignoring my Hs requests for info about my job and salary (which was untrue).
H also admitted on Thursday that he has 7k (or more?) cash left from his unemployment. I asked him why he said in April that cash would be gone at end of May. I told him that I went back to work based on that information and that I have been worried sick about the lack of money. he said he miscalculated...
So it's been really rocky the last two weeks.
Work has been very intense and I have not seen my kids much. They are with H this holiday weekend. I miss them so much, but I also need this weekend to sleep, clean the house, do laundry and re-stock my pantry. I know I will get into a groove and things will settle, but it's been tough to have to go back to work full time.
At this point, I still don't have a proposal from H... If he seeks spousal support from me, then I'll deal with that when it happens. I cannot worry about the what if's and I refuse to live in fear anymore.
That is the latest...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
After I do, I will get my house in tip-top shape... A special and dear friend of mine is coming from out of town to stay with me in a few days...
I can't wait!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
KG despite the ugliness you seem like you are in a better place. Calm, detached and moving forward. You are doing the best you under these circumstances, especially for your kids and I admire that so much.
Despite the adjustments to going back to work full time, are you enjoying the work you are doing?
I hope you have a great weekend with your friend. Take care of YOU.
xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks for stopping by and for your caring and support. I took it easy all day yesterday and feel a lot better already.
Had an unpleasant exchange with H when he picked up the kids for the weekend, though, but I think I processed it and am letting it go.
He texted on his way over saying he had fainted in his kitchen earlier in the day and that a friend (actually a family friend on my side) was driving him over. I immediately called to ask if he was ok. I said if he wasn't ok to drive, was he going to be able to care for the three kids on his own? I offered for them to spend the night until he was completely well. He replied he was and he sounded just fine. The whole exchange seemed fishy to me. Either he was sick enough that he couldn't drive himself over (and therefore not able to care for the kids), or he was fine enough to drive and have the kids.
Now, this woman who drove him over is a very attractive single woman who we've known for years (a relative of my cousin). We use to see her in my family functions (always as a married couple) and I have not seen her since before we separated. I don't remember the context of the converastion, but my H admitted to me after we split that he had always had a crush on her...
It turns out she lives in the same apt. complex and they ran into each other over a year ago. They went for a hike together to catch up on each others lives and they have gone swimming to the community pool as well - just the two of them. H told me about it and said he has shared with her about our breakup, yet I don't know how much she really knows.
Now, I don't know how often they hang out, but the way my H describes it, and knowing that my H has always felt attraction towards her, it sounds like they have an EA or are on the way to one. Not my problem. I will let OW deal with this new OW2 - lol...
Yet, I was irritated that he had used the excuse of his fainting to have this OW2 drive him to my house. Look, he is free to do whatever he wants with his life, but I don't appreciate him bringing women - any woman over to my house unless she is a family member. I really don't know for a fact what is going on with them, but I don't need to know and I don't want to know.
So when they parked downstairs, I went outside the balcony and before she got out and could hear me, I told H to please come alone to the door to get the kids. I have no idea what he told her, but she didn't come to the door.
They left and later on he texted asking why I was so rude to her (I admit what I did was rude). I told him that next time he needs to make sure it is ok with me to bring someone to my house before showing up like that. He said he had thought I would love to see her and that was going to invite me to come with them and the kids out for dinner.
I didn't even get into it with him. My H has never believed that there are certain lines that people in committed R don't cross with members of the opposite sex (even though his R with OW started exactly this way). Since I am not going to convince him, I was not about to start discussing it with him.
He was mad, which I expected, but I was not about to invite this potential OW2 into my house and chit chat about what? My life for the last 2+ years? She clearly already knows at least some of what has been happening. So to say that it would have been very awkward and uncomfortable is an understatement and I am upset that my H would put me in that situation in the first place. Yet, there is no way I could ever explain any of this in a way that would make any sense to him, so I didn't even try.
He accused me of being rude, irrational, out of touch with reality, crazy jealous and mean. I may well be all of that, but I also feel that at this point in our R, there are things I will just not put up with, and him bringing another woman here is one of them.
Yeah... I should have just let her come in, do a brief "hi, how are you" and then say something like "sorry, I am on my way out" but I am not sure I would have kept cool, calm and collected if she had come in. It all happened so quick and it just triggered the whole "she is just a friend" thing that brought H's OW1 into my life over two years ago...
I learned my lesson and I hope my H also learned his and doesn't bring another woman to my home again like that - lol...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Your sitch never gets any easier does it? You're like some mythical hero facing trial after trial. I'm with your lawyer, don't offer him anything because you find yourself in a moment of frustration and despair -- that will pass, but your legal agreement would be hard to undo.
It's frustrating from the sidelines to see the name calling and accusations when he is trying to do the absolute minimum he can get away with and maybe even take from you. That's horrible! Good for you KG you handled all of that like a pro!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
