The new thread title is from the Journey song, "Faithfully". Thanks to Tvs, for suggesting that song to me!
Thanks you to all who posted on my last thread, Mtnman, wfm, FY, T^2, snodderly, Tvs, MissA, Lillith, and mizjjd!!!
Your encouragement and words mean so much to me! This board has been such an oasis for me!!
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H & I had a great time at the concert last Friday night. We used the hour drive there to listen to songs that he played for me that had meaning for him: they all had two themes -- either a lost love for which the person was sorry and wanted it back....or the brevity of life and need to live and love fully. And on the way back...I took the opportunity to talk about some of my hopes and dreams for the coming year with starting work and putting S13 in school.
I had some grief about Cinco de Mayo. H attended an all-day party -- music, food, alcohol, women. (H & 2 guy friends plus 7 women) He was up front with everything -- he let me know weeks ahead about the party, he made his list in front of me -- of stuff to bring, he brought an overnight bag in case he couldn't drive home....but he did come home.
He was very drunk when he got here that night and was very interested in me and I said "no" in the way a woman has. It's the first "no" I gave him in 2013, I think. In the morning I had him read my parody "Before He Drinks". He looked at it soberly (!) and said I was absolutely right about him drinking and driving and he shouldn't do it. He also asked me if I thought he was an alcoholic and asked me when was the last time I had a hangover.
He seemed really clingy to me in the morning, needed a lot of reassurance I wasn't upset with him. I explained I had said "no" to him b/c I didn't find him attractive in that condition and he was making some moves on me that he hasn't since MLC. I told him I appreciated that he wanted to do those things but that I wanted that when he was sober, not drunk.
When he started replay in 2011 I took whatever I could get, if he was drunk or not, b/c I was so starved for attention. I didn't do that on Sunday and he hadn't seen me draw that line before.
The parody song on my last thread was from a country song by Carrie Underwood called "Before He Cheats". It's a great song to listen to especially for those of you whose spouse is cheating and you can vicariously throw them out via the song...since we can't do that while DBing! Also entertaining are other parodies (you can look up videos on Internet) ... "before he speaks" and "before he trades".
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I do see the struggle with teenager versus mature man. I saw that teenager, a week ago at the music festival when H was swaggering a bit to be able to walk down Main Street with a beer in his hand, since the city streets were blocked off for the festival.
But the place I really see the teenager is on FB, and I'm guessing when H is with his friends. H wants to appear the single man. I'm not part of that social world for him and there is a delay for us in making new friends as a couple, since H has committed to six weeks or so to teach drinking buddy how to work out at the gym.
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I get frustrated at times with the slow reconnection but I know that it's the best way. But in general, things are going very well.
I noticed an interesting dynamic with H and his main drinking buddy who is 11 years older than H. When my H left for the party Sunday, he was wearing a nice shirt and jeans. The pics on FB at the party showed him in a different shirt that was too big and honestly, not flattering to him, although I didn't say so. I asked my H about it and he said when he arrived drinking buddy told him to change shirts.
I also saw that the next morning with H terribly hungover he was going to drive over an hour out of his way to go help "clean up" after the party even after this guy wouldn't answer his phone. Thankfully, H decided not to do it and stayed home with me till noon and went to work for an afternoon/evening shift. I think this guy has a hold on H like a bossy parent and H is a natural follower. He does not want me having this kind of power over him, but he doesn't mind this guy controlling him. Just my observations.
When H moved out he told me he wanted to be "just like" this man....who is single and just has "short R's" and he has plenty of money. This man also is not supportive of H "coming back". Hopefully his influence will eventually fade.
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We have MC today and then to see Ironman 3. H booked tickets weeks ago for us in a balcony spot at a beautiful theater an hour from our house.
Monday, I asked him to read me his pros and cons list again. I needed a little morale boost. One of the items on his pros list was "no more lonely nights". I thought of the many people on this board, both MLCers and LBS's. The night time is a third of our 24 hours and it is so wonderful to have that special one you love ... night after night....cuddled up with you, touching you, holding you...all night long.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Love the song rH! I was listening to Journey with the boys the other day. cant beat the ole arena rock days.
It's hard for me to see how you're reconnecting and yet still having to be patient with H. I imagine its harder for you. Just takes time, and you know this. You're sitch gives us all hope, which is all we have sometimes.
I think you turning H down and telling him why was a big move on your part. Reinforces that you can stand on your own feet, set boundaries, and lets him know he still has work to do.
Keep up the good work!!!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I think this guy has a hold on H like a bossy parent and H is a natural follower. He does not want me having this kind of power over him, but he doesn't mind this guy controlling him. Just my observations.
When H moved out he told me he wanted to be "just like" this man....who is single and just has "short R's" and he has plenty of money. This man also is not supportive of H "coming back". Hopefully his influence will eventually fade.
I know, rH, that W bought into the single and short R's thing too, it was the answer, no responsibilities, no "working on the R", yay! How easy.... I hope she is going to find her way out of and away from that "easy button" mindset...we shall see, eh?
I know it's frustrating when they "revert" to replay mode...*sigh*, really? All we can do is keep hanging in there, keeping the road home smooth as possible, but know that we can quit, at any time...I think your refusal quietly made that point...good for you!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
rH when I read about your H's drinking buddy making him change shirts I LOL and had an epiphany. Drinking buddy is your H's OW!!
I'm so happy for you and the reconnect and proud of you for standing your ground too.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I swear when I read what Raine wrote, I was thinking the exact same thing!!!
It's funny that they are so worried about us trying to control them, yet will let someone else do it so easily. Whether its an OP or a "friend", they seem to be seeking that much needed approval from someone else. Reminds me of the dynamics we often see between parents, teens, and their friends.
He changed his shirt because his friend told him to? Are you kidding me? Lol!
And the whole Cinco De Mayo thing? Sounds like he's still getting everything out of his system. I'm glad you let him know that sloppy drunk men are a big turn off for you - you a lady with standards!!!
I am proud of the change in you from before when you said you would take what you could get. You are definitely that prize girl
Hope you had a good MC session today, and enjoyed the movie afterwards. I miss going to the movies with H.
Love the new thread title by the way
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
eye on the prize ~~~ YOU !!! WTG rH, stand up for yourself!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I too am impressed that you refused to ML when he was sloppy drunk. I know if my W came home drunk and wanted to jump on me, I'd... well the important thing is you did the right thing!
Oh, I and want you to promise to do something for me. Next time H is wearing a shirt you're not so nuts about, send him back to his room to change!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
good luck and it does give the rest of us some hope to hear you re-connecting and still trying and still proceeding forward with it all. i admire your devotion- honestly. i'm beginning to question my own.
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Quote:
I know, rH, that W bought into the single and short R's thing too, it was the answer, no responsibilities, no "working on the R", yay! How easy.... I hope she is going to find her way out of and away from that "easy button" mindset...we shall see, eh?"
i can see how that might be exactly what is going on with my h. i do not know how many people he is juggling - only know abou5t two ancient babes from back in his youth- easy easy conquests. (it's soo text book mlc - but then, since i cannot really see any "pain" he's in - just don't believe it- i think i'm on wrong trail and he's just a cheating spouse and i'm just a jerk.
CAN IT BE that dopey? and if so, why the heck stay in r with any of us - the "ball & chain". after two years of doing this- hanging on, etc.- i am still amazed and dazed by the stupidity of it all. i know it's serious to them- and that makes it serious to us- BUT REALLY????? REALLY???
i find myself waivering really really badly. the longer he is away (3 wks at a time) the harder i find it to remember the good. (person- times)
the bossy ow - friend, whatever THAT YOU GUYS ALL MENTION. this is something wierd i've noticed too. EVERYONE IN THE universe (all of a sudden) (people he hasn't given the time of day to in years and years) is sooooooo smart - and sooooo worthy of attention & consideration.
wtf is up with that? this guy who is soooo bossy & has to have his way or i guess is sooo spoiled and used to his way- all of a sudden is kowtowing to everyone (but me). I'M GETTING REALLY tired of being soooo "dismissed" - YOU'RE ALL INSPIRING with your ability to hang in there and not take this personally.
SO- MY QUERY- ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ASSUME that role all of a sudden and begin to be bossy and demanding? ALL OF YOUR' comments about OW - OTHER R being easy and undemanding and no responsibility- ???
you posted this on my thread a while back... could use some uplifting/support...
//It's so much more satisfying to have him chase you. I know it feels like if you ignore him he will forget about you, but it doesn't usually work that way. I copied some great quotes from the Internet on this dynamic and they helped me through some rough days.//
any chance you have those quotes somewhere?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Mtnman, Raine, Tvs, T^2, wfm, nero, and FY, thank you so much for all the comments.
wfm I'll get back to you about your question on pursuer/distancer dynamic.
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I'm having a really hard time getting past the Cinco de Mayo event. I suppose I had some "expectations".
Its not the bone-crushing pain like it was during 2012. More like a wound you have that you keep bumping and it reminds you that you're injured.
The thread title I picked is optimistic. I sure don't feel that way this week!
I'm not getting much support on the home front. S13 is struggling with his math here at the end of the year (volumes of cones and cylinders and similar things) and he is sure it is b/c I'm not a good teacher like I used to be!
S19 talks to me some....but had a big issue this week with me buying a "Grateful Dead" CD which he was sure must be Satanic even though I tried to convince him otherwise. This precipitated a big family hour-long argument and the next day on the way to school he totaled our Camry, the most valuable car we have. Sigh.
H is interesting. He seems to be in the "pick on rH" phase. Idk if it's b/c he is afraid about coming back home or what.
He spent an hour with his IC last week going over my life history trying to uncover any hidden thing that would explain his MLC. He also complained to her and our MC about all my habits that annoy him.
He wants me to take hormones and complained how I never do what he says and I always want to go to a naturopath first. After he was done with his tirade, I pointed out I DID go to an MD on Monday and she said that I wasn't a good candidate for hormones and it isn't the fountain of youth as advertised. Sigh, again.
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I was a bad girl and looked at one of H's friend's FB pages yesterday. I saw a pic of the group in a hot tub (too small for 3 guys and 6 girls) on Cinco de Mayo. I recalled H did not bring his bathing suit. Some of the girls either had strapless bathing suits on or .....???
Would it do me any good to ask H if he had his suit on? No. It either forces him into a lie or will pain me greatly. HE doesn't feel he did anything wrong at that party.
The MC asked if he can envision taking me to one of these parties. He said, "never". It's a closed group. It is a deal breaker for me. I can put up with it during this reconnection phase but I don't want a M like that.
H is still pushing me away in some respects. He can't stand to have me talk about hardly anything. On the way to the Ironman movie, fresh out of MC, I read to him a list on the Internet about some things women over 50 can do to stay healthy -- mentally, emotionally, physically. It tied into what he and MC were saying. I was in the hot seat at the MC session.
H smirked in the car. I asked why. He said, "that's so like you. You always need validation by reading about what others think."
It's a basic premise he and I have differently. I've always read, investigated, asked questions, talked to people and then I formulate an action. H thinks you should just "know" and do what you want. He has no trust in other people. At least any trust in my opinion, any way!
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So...I end the week somewhat down. I have a lot of temptations to "run" and wish I hadn't stayed so long. I hope those can get stuffed down and I can see that it is worth it to me and everyone else to stay the course.
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On a positive note, it is obvious H still wants our connection to grow, he still reaches out to me quite often for reassurance. He just doesn't want me a part of the life that he built while he was away. It may be that he is just perplexed as to how to merge the two lives together and doesn't want to give up the "fun" he thinks he is entitled to. I just don't know.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
