DM45 LBS 4

[Dm45]

We met for coffee. No R talk, by her or me. I behaved. No real talk about S either.

We were together about an hour and twenty minutes. I got really sad at goodbye. And I told her that's what's hard for me, saying goodbye when there is no need.

I am forced to say goodbye. I am hurt and angry and sad. I would not do this to her.

We made definite plans for next Thursday. Playing by ear for the weekend once I know my schedule.

[Dm45]

I got a txt while working from S that grandmother (dads mom) is now under hospice care and having several mini strokes this week and expecting a big one to take her at any time.

I had gotten preoccupied w/grandfather (moms dad) and uncle and their accident and she kind of slipped my mind.

I am so goddam tired of being sad.

I read (even on one of my threads) and believed for much of my life it's not what happens to you it's what you think about what happens to you that give joy or sadness. In one sense I know it can be true but in another it feels fake especially when extreme events happen...death, family breakup, disaster, etc.

I miss my W so much. Tried to reach her about gmother but couldn't.

I heard of a book I'm going to try...change your heart change your life... I am afraid it will be stuff I know but can't make myself do right now... Such a pessimist...I really hate being around people that have the attitude I have right now.

I had gotten to a better place earlier...Charles swindoll has some good stuff on YouTube about trusting God, depression, etc. but news about gmother chopped me back down.

I'm not really DBing here but I don't really have anyone else to talk to. When other gmother died several years ago I handled it well...I'm just so beat up already.

Thanks for listening.

[Dm45]

I slipped into an angry place earlier...my thoughts..."I gave my best to her with the knowledge that I had. If that's not good enough, screw her." that can escalate to very very angry feelings very quickly.

I'm back on the ground now, knowing the truth that I did not give my best, took her for granted, all those things I list here many times before. I was feeling very self righteous. Need to keep that in check.

[Dm45]

Decisions are made re:grandfather...trauma of the accident is too great and he will not pull through. Dialysis, etc will only prolong the inevitable a few more days, so he will be kept comfortable and...

I will always admire him for his tenacity in some dire health situations over the last 35 yrs or so. Drs gave up on him more than once, and he pulled through. and for his kindness. A mechanic by trade, he never drove by a broken down car on the road without stopping to help. Several people he helped became lifelong friends. I will also always fight to control my temper which I believe I inherited from him. He was never mean to us grand kids, but we witnessed the rage on a few occasions.

Book review of change your heart change your life:
Some background: Though I prefer the term "follower of Jesus", I would be labeled "evangelical Christian" by mainstream media based on my beliefs and practices for the last 31 years.

So the first eleven chapters seemed very elementary to me. But there was enough foreshadowing to keep me going. A huge theme in the book is "it's not what happens to you, but what you think or believe about what happens to you, that determines your level of happiness (joy) in life"

I have been told that many times on this forum. I believed that most of my life. I lived that. I TAUGHT that. I have not disclosed here before that my business I own is a martial arts school. The curriculum I teach is 1/3 technical skill,1/3 physical fitness, 1/3 character and personal development skills. I felt , feel that before the BD I was a decent example of the things I teach, including attitude determining happiness.

I maintained positive outlook and joyful existence through moms young death, W cancer, business setbacks and partnership betrayals, slander by competitors, miscarriage, health scare of my own, other deaths in family, and ultimate nosedive of the business to the point I don't know if it can recover, or sometimes even if I want it to.

But when THIS happened...this betrayal, this hell, this BD, I lost faith. Not in God, I don't think, though I certainly have been questioning certain things, ie "all things come together for good to those who love God, who are called according to his purpose"... How could this be for my good?

I have been asking myself how can I ever be positive or happy again if I was such a bad husband that W was miserable for years and I didn't see it and ruined our lives? How can I find the positive in that?

I was always positive through those hard things, because I thought "I have W, marriage, we're going to make it." I had no illusions of a perfect marriage, but I was genuinely happy.

My marriage and wife were my main source of happiness.

I now am realizing that was our downfall.

In some crazy way I idolized the marriage and my W while at the same time being neglectful. I don't know if I can ever explain that thought but I'll try.

In some ways I put my W on a pedestal. Thoughts like "I'm really screwing up but W is SO good, SO moral, SO faithful...so PERFECT, everything will be OK". I never said those words probably, but in hindsight I think that was my mindset.

I was relying on her to be good enough for both of us.

Who can survive that kind of pressure?

Of the four beliefs in the book which change your life, the first was love God first. I knew that, but really loved self first, then W/marriage, then God. My priorities were exactly reversed from what they should be:God, others (especially W), self.

OK, I knew that, and have been working on fixing it, and making what I think is great progress, but it's not why I got the book.

Chapter 12: The High Value of Trials, is why I got the book. This one chapter is worth the price of the book. I will read this over and over. I will probably post more about it as well as its where I'm growing most now. This trial im having trouble putting in erspective so i can not be depressed, not manipulate, not bully. I'm cutting this post "short" because I have an early shift in the morning.

Chapter 13: The High Value of Forgiveness is also worth the price of the book.

Chapter 14: How Your Beleifs Affect Your Eating Habits and Addictions is as well. I could replace "eating habits" with any habit...my poor husbanding, W's behavior, and it would fit.

There are words there I want to say to W. will post tomorrow, so stay tuned please.

[labug]

In some ways I put my W on a pedestal. Thoughts like "I'm really screwing up but W is SO good, SO moral, SO faithful...so PERFECT, everything will be OK". I never said those words probably, but in hindsight I think that was my mindset.

I was relying on her to be good enough for both of us.

To me this doesn't see like putting W on a pedestal, it appears to be making her the fall guy for your shortcomings.

I'm glad you got a lot out of your reading but what are you going to change based on what you read? By having words you want to say to W it sounds like you are still trying to change her.

[Dm45]

Labug,

To me this doesn't see like putting W on a pedestal, it appears to be making her the fall guy for your shortcomings.

No. I knew I wouldn't explain it right the first time...more like: expecting her to cover for my shortcomings, which she did, for a long time. Riding on her coattails.

what are you going to change based on what you read?

At least 3 things, 1.My priorities: God, others, self.
2.My beliefs:
This trial will somehow turn out for good, (and here's the hard part) regardless of the outcome. I do not believe this yet. But, up to now I have not even wanted to. I have insisted to myself that if my marriage is over than there can not be happiness in my future. My major project now is to program this in my head and heart.
3. My actions. After so long I feel like I am finally beginning, a tiny tiny bit, to detach. I have been resisting it all the way, as you know.

having words you want to say to W it sounds like you are still trying to change her.

ill address this after I do some re-reading!

[Dm45]

having words you want to say to W it sounds like you are still trying to change her.

This:

If you try to change your mate so that you will be happier, you actually weaken your marriage by making the marriage relationship a more unsafe place for your mate.

is finally sinking in. How many times have I read it here and everywhere else? Been counseled?

What I want to say, or be able to say, is something like, "W, please forgive me for all the time I have been trying to change you in so many ways. I was wrong in trying to teach you, blame you, criticize you, judge you, and yes, manipulate and bully you. I will strive to never again try to change you or to criticize you. We won't ever agree on everything, but I'll strive not to judge you. I have changes I need to make in my life, and they are between me and God. If you have changes you need to make, they are between you and God"

Not sure if, or when it would be appropriate to say, but I THINK it's what needs to be in my heart, in order to truly start to detach.

[Dm45]

More detachment?
Texted W yesterday to see if she still wanted to meet for coffee today and what time.
Her reply: sorry, can't, I have to work tomorrow.

I didn't text back. Thinking now that might have been rude...
I didnt sit and wonder if she was really working or not (Thursday is usually her day off)
I didn't text back a "when can we get together then"
I didn't run to my pastor or this forum crying "oh gosh, W doesn't want to see me tomorrow what do I do?"

I just let it go.
Maybe next week. My Dad is up from FL for my niece's graduation and the impending funerals. Spent the day off with him.

Still, though, this thought comes to my mind several times per day:I cant believe SHE would leave and go to OM. I emphasize SHE meaning I thought W was above anything remotely resembling this. I'm the jerk around here, remember?

Is that thought going to slap me in the head forever? Should I concern myself over it?

[Dm45]

Checking in:
Grandmother, dads side passed late Saturday evening, grandfather, moms side early Sunday morning. Both were 89.

I was fortunate to have all four grandparents survive well into my adulthood. Now all are gone.

My only contact with W has been to tell her of the deaths, then to tell her about arrangements for grandfather. Grandmothers are in limbo as her ashes will be placed in Arlington national cemetery and there is a backlog for months.

I'm hoping w will come to funeral. Think she might because she asked me about details. I'm hoping I'm not expecting her to be there. I want to be truly detached.

I don't really think have the energy to be "attached".

This is the kind of thing I have been dreading going through without my W. major life events alone...I don't look forward to.

Overall however, my attitude is improving. I am improving my attitude. My sitch slaps me in the face several times a day, and I get angry, sad, or scared, but for less time, maybe less often, and less intense.

Don't know if I'm burying it or truly healing. Time will tell, I guess.

Between the reading, counseling, etc. I feel like I'm relearning how to manage myself. I feel a cynicism sometimes that I don't like, so I have to force it out.

The most important choice I make every day is my attitude. That's from a Swindoll talk I found on you tube. Seemingly elementary but I envision this as almost like learning to walk again after a severe injury.

I'm still not truly GAL, but I'm starting to want to. Starting to connect socially more...a kid at work came to me for advice on a crush she has on a co-worker...despite the irony of being asked for relationship advice, it was the first time I've felt helpful to another person in many months. It felt good.

My guitar is here. If I kick this slight headache tonight I'm going to play it. Loud. I'm speaking at grandpas funeral. It was hinted that I sing one of his favorite songs, and I'd love to....but that's way harder than speaking when emotional...don't think I will, but I'm going to practice for it anyway.

Back to DBing, I guess while I'm working on me I just be ready to show W the new me when the opportunities arise.

[Dm45]

Tough,tough day.
Viewing for Grandpa. I worked a shift immediately before so showed up tired and hungry to first session. Meal in between.

W came to 2nd session with S16. S20 with me and D18 came on her own. 1st time we've all been in same place since Christmas I think. Not that my youngest two said more than one word to me. S16 neck was covered in hickeys...he was trying to cover with collar the whole time.

My family were champs...super kind to her, hugs and kisses. I was pissed at her, for no particular reason other than we are separate during this. I was nice, and she stayed most of the 2 hr session. When she went to leave I said thanks for coming and didn't walk her out. I knew I might be clingy if I did that.

If I am honest I admit sometimes my primary thought is screw her. But I do still love her. That is my choice.

I asked her how S16 has been. She said he's being bad. I said I can tell. She said she can't handle him.

Of our kids, S16 was closest to my grandpa, and she's bringing him to funeral tomorrow. I decided to sing the song. I will also be speaking. There are two examples from grandpas life I want my kids, nephews, nieces to hear and it may be last time S16 will hear me for a while. A few hilarious stories to tell, too.