Apology I've posted a few very specific questions as couldn't figure out what was going on... A few posted back to keep a continuous thread going. Sorry that I broke the db forum norms.
Background Been M about 13 years. Been super in synch with just about everything except communication, W avoids conflict at any cost. I'm not a fan of it either... I will discuss uncomfortable topics. During this time we had some great times... And avoided personal issues. We didnt have a ton and were in synch on most issues.
Fast forward.... Lived through a bunch of miscarriages etc.... Navigated the family business.... Then conceived a wonderful stunning little D. I was the stay at home parent. Id work evenings weekends and nights to ensure that W didn't feel Iike she was the only one carrying all the weight, The result was that we were passing in the night and not spending a ton of time together both of us ended up feeling abandoned.
I thought long and hard about this and in January of this year came to the decision that something would have to change. .me..... I didnt like what my schedule was tuning us into... I'd come to the realization that there were some personal traits that I needed to stop or change.
Were so in synch that this was the exact time she requested a separation. I wasn't heard as the wheels were already in motion.
I then went full on doing all the pursuit things were not supposed to do....
Status... W moved out and removed me from the company... I have 1/2 time with our daughter (change from having primary responsibility of her)..... I'm out looking for work -- it's challenging as my W would be my reference.
Counseling & Help At the beginning I'd was contacting and encouraging to work through... Then was asked to go lights out for 3 weeks. During this time frame W asked if I would go to MC.... We both went individually to intakes but havent gone together, I've been in IC very frequently and working through some topics... I've had some db phone coaching and read the 2 db books.
GAL & 180 I've been reacquainting with friends... Digging into faith..... Getting out of the house... Cleaning stuff up and organizing... Stopped pursuing.... Focusing in a positive attitude... Clothing change... Hair .. Listening .... New friends etc
Script I've heard tons if the "script".... Let's be friends.... Havent had time to think..... Actions are louder than words... Focus on yourself-not me or us... Don't want to lead you on.... .... I've not head ilybnilwy or D..
Testing There have been a few times during the past few months that I've been tested... Basically to see if I'm hanging on
Corrections There were some things legit things that I needed to stop or change... So I did
Then you have 8 other threads(on other forums) that I will ignore and hope you stick to this one.
So back to the LRT question, you will do it for as long as it takes. You will stop making small talk and pursuing tactics. They are only succeeding in driving her away.
The objective is for you to get her to pursue YOU.
Not more of the same with you clinging on to her.
Hope that helps.
Please stick with this thread until you get to 100 posts.
Pursuit... I don't call... Send texts... Emails etc
Wife attends the small church I work at... We have family time with our daughter for a hour or so every Sunday ....
This is where the communication issue begins... W arranges the events (says she likes them).... I do learn a bit of what she's experiencing... I'm always kind of puzzled of what I should say... It's out of character (I'm outgoing joker type) for me to just be quiet.
------
I had a phone appointment with Michelle... She suggested that I act l Like we were freshly dating... This was neutral received.....
Follow up (another dber) suggested I go LRT ... Last Sunday was the last weekend I did this... Was really strange freeling I was at a loss of words.
Here are some specific ways you can avoid pursuing your spouse at this time:
Emotional Level:
Don't initiate conversation or give advice (even if they asked for the advice, refrain from giving it).
Abstain from trying to change or improve your partner in any way.
Do not seek his emotional support or help with any of your problems, concerns, or worries.
Do not look to him as someone to talk to.
If you've been babying him, stop.
Identify whatever you are doing for him, and stop doing it. An example of this is: stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking especially for him, or waiting on or for him.
Stop "keeping the peace". If you've been intervening between him and others, be it children, family or friends, stop doing so. He needs to learn how to interact w/others all on his own.
Physical Level:
Do not initiate expressions of affection, such as hugging, kissing and saying "I love you," or "I'll miss you," or asking questions such as "Do you love me?"
Do not appease your partner sexually any longer.
Do not plan your schedule around his, and do not do things for him.
This is not the time for a romantic vacation or second honeymoon.
If he spends his spare time at home, arrange to be out while he's there.
Do things with family and friends or by yourself.
In short, do as little as possible for him or with him, with the goal of doing absolutely nothing.
