It's been a few weeks since my last post but the long and short of it is that after about 5-6 months of reconciling, I discovered that my W began talking to OM again. I confronted her with it and it led to further advances by me about trust and commitment where, ultimately, I pushed it to the point where W had enough of me saying the same thing over and over and brought up divorce again. After a week of staying at her moms, she came home but gave no promises to working things out. She's been staying in a guest room and pretty much keeps to herself. My motivation at the point when she came home was to let things calm down between us and show her that I can be someone that she'd want to be with, rather then someone that is suffocating her.
To date, not much has changed. The thing that is ironic (if you want to call it that) is that after about 2-3 weeks, she stopped talking to OM. Knowing that, I kind of kick myself that I let that few weeks of contact throw me back into all the feelings I went through last year with her A. That's not to say I am beating myself up over it, it just makes me wonder if I didn't pursue it would we be here right now?
So it seems about every 2 weeks or so, she likes to remind me that even though we are talking more or we spend time together it doesn't mean anything has changed for her. I don't know if she's really letting me know or if she's trying to convince herself of that. So far I've bit each time and go into a whole litany of begging and pleading and convincing about how things can be different - the exact things I try to avoid doing.
The only positive thing that I think I said the last time was the following as I tried to keep myself under control: "I understand that we feel differently right now about our relationship and you believe you want to end it. I'm not at that place so if that is seriously something you want to pursue then I can't stop you." I said that because if she's waiting around for me to draw up the divorce papers for her, she's got another thing coming. That conversation actually ended with us talking about our expectations of one another so A) I don't go expecting the world only to get disappointed and B) she is a little more aware of my needs while she's sorting out whatever she needs to. The week or so after that has actually been going pretty well. She actually has been spending some more time with me, even if it's only to eat meals together or hang out before going to bed.
At the same time, the pace at which things are moving is frustrating. I've found myself over the last week getting spitting mad at a couple instances: - Last Monday it was over repairs that are needed to our roof after the hurricane in the fall. We've held off on the repairs for months because her cousin owns his own roofing business and the damage was minor. Well, he actually got around to looking at it last Monday during the day but didn't tell anyone. So when I got home I find the tarp hanging off with it about to rain. When I tried to find out from her (she wasn't home at the time) if she knew anything she kind of blew it off. That annoyed me to no end and made me realize that part of our problems have to do with her wanting no responsibility for anything that requires work or energy whether it be chores around the house, the dog, whatever. I was literally stewing about it for a good hour or so. I was about to confront her about my feelings when she called and talked to me about what she found out and then preceded to talk about her day and actually start a conversation. Just like that I calmed down and we had a good rest of the night. - Last night I got just as mad when she went to bed. Typically she goes to bed way earlier then me because of the hours she works and last night was no different. What was different was as she was going to bed as I was coming in from taking the dog out. At that point I went to just go say goodnight and before I could even take a step, she just blurts out, "Don't!" like I was going to come onto her or something. I tried asking her what that was about and she didn't even respond. What was weird was that this weekend was actually pretty good with us. I've kept myself busy by going out with friends when we don't have things planned or taking up sports. We went to dinner Saturday night for her sister's birthday and yesterday I helped her with something she needed for work before making dinner together. It really just seemed out of left field and I'm still frustrated about it. I'm concerned that I'm going to say or do something that won't help things.
Anyway, I'm doing as good as I can with keeping my expectations to a minimum while still looking for any signs of a thawing between us. It's very frustrating and I'm trying to think of ways to cope with that.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Curious as to when you started reconciliation or even after, did you address OM? This is something I fear the most happening if I were to get to R. How to address OM and it coming back.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
The furthest we went with addressing OM was assurances that it was over between them and that she was committed to making our relationship work before she moved home. W got her own apartment for the better part of 5 months (blew the whole summer) before that happened. She left her old job, where she met OM through, and we began piecing things back together in the fall. From what I gathered, their relationship fizzled shortly after she moved into her apartment and was over for a little over a month before she moved home.
Were there unresolved questions on my part? Absolutely. But I wasn't sure if pursuing those answers would really answer anything at all, if that makes any sense. I mean, the A happened, whether I like it or not, nothing is going to change that. She regretted it and all that it put me through. To me, the important thing was that it was over and that she wanted to be there (home). Getting W to admit she is wrong is a chore in and of itself, so I prepared myself early in our separation that if we did get back together that it was possible that many of the questions I had and opening the old wounds would have to take a backseat to focusing on us getting back on the same page together.
Not to say we approached it wrong, but obviously either A) she wasn't really ready to commit to our marriage again or B) I/we mishandled the reconciliation along the way.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Might be a mixture. Personally I think it would take a lot of self discipline to not fall back I to an A. It is an easy route to take, just like falling back into our old behaviors. I think for true R it takes a huge commitment and effort from both people. I for one am finding it hard to see light at the end of the tunnel, but then again I am working on my not my M. I wish you success and peace with yourself.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
That conversation actually ended with us talking about our expectations of one another so A) I don't go expecting the world only to get disappointed and B) she is a little more aware of my needs while she's sorting out whatever she needs to. The week or so after that has actually been going pretty well. She actually has been spending some more time with me, even if it's only to eat meals together or hang out before going to bed.
That sounds pretty positive. Keep in mind that piecing is not linear, just like DB'ing there are good days and bad days, forward progress and backsliding.
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Well, he actually got around to looking at it last Monday during the day but didn't tell anyone. So when I got home I find the tarp hanging off with it about to rain. When I tried to find out from her (she wasn't home at the time) if she knew anything she kind of blew it off.
My wife left the garage door open one day. It was open all day long for the world to see, with tens of thousands of dollars worth of tools and motorcycles right there in plain view. I totally flipped out when I got home that night. She blew it off as no big deal, just an accident. I wasn't willing to let it go so easily, but I SHOULD HAVE. Because in the end, all my ranting just drove her further away (this was before BD). I wish I knew that saying back then about "do you want to be right or happily married" because I surely should have applied it then and CALMLY told her I would appreciate it if she could be more diligent about making sure the door is closed when she leaves.
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At that point I went to just go say goodnight and before I could even take a step, she just blurts out, "Don't!"
It really just seemed out of left field and I'm still frustrated about it.
We ALL have those moments. Maybe it's her time of the month, or she had a bad day, or someone else cut her off in traffic and made her mad. Let it go If she keeps doing it day in and day out for weeks well then you've got a problem. But everyone should be allowed a "gimme" now and then.
At that point I went to just go say goodnight and before I could even take a step, she just blurts out, "Don't!"
It really just seemed out of left field and I'm still frustrated about it.
Sorry, but I wouldn't take this very lightly, b/c it takes one to know, KWIM? I would take it as fair warning (or as fair as you'll get). She doesn't want you near her. Don't try, don't talk about it or even get close to doing it. She wants no part of it. Can I tell all of that in that one word? You betcha!
Look, you smother her, plain & simple. The first thing you have to do is back away and leave her alone.
You said you found out about recent contact she's had with OM and you confronted her about it. I would not be surprised to know that she never ended the A emotionally. She's addicted. That's why it picked back up (if it ever ended). Usually when the LBH
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Usually when the LBH discovers the A, the WAW will go deeper under cover so that he won't find out again.
If it was never resolved, then the problem was never dealt with, right? Even if she regretted it, the problem that led her into an A with OM still existed.
If you have never read up on PEAS, look it up. A's are addictive!
She has OM in her head!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Usually when the LBH discovers the A, the WAW will go deeper under cover so that he won't find out again.
If it was never resolved, then the problem was never dealt with, right? Even if she regretted it, the problem that led her into an A with OM still existed.
If you have never read up on PEAS, look it up. A's are addictive!
She has OM in her head!
This and other things that have been said above is why there is no possible way I could work on reconciliation with my W unless there was full transparency. I couldn't trust her otherwise
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I'm not going to lie, the mixed signals are killers. One day it's, "I want a divorce" or the whole "Don't" thing I described above and the next she's asking me what I need from the grocery store or she's making dinner or sitting upstairs waiting for me to get home from work.
I can't tell if she really wants out and just doesn't have an exit strategy yet OR if she just wants some space and to do things on her own for a while. Despite smothering her on bad days, I'm fine with giving her space, however, sometimes I feel like patience is a gift and a curse. I say that because if we're going to get through this then obviously staying patient is a requirement but at the same time it just basically lets things stay in limbo for as long as they're going to. I can't stand the limbo.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Yes, the limbo is very painful. You never know if you're wasting your life and should just move on, or if the destination is just around the next bend. I was listening to a radio therapist last night and she said it takes a long time for a woman to decide to leave, and once they've made that decision it's very very hard for them to come back from it. That would suggest that super-patience is required.
Where I think the Catch-22 lies is that in order for her to *want* to come back, such that she's motivated to actually work on the marriage, she needs to feel attraction for you. I'm not talking about head over heels "falling in love" stuff, just some basic level of attraction. Unfortunately, the position of being "one-down" in a limbo situation will inspire you to act in unattractive ways.
It's a VERY difficult cycle to break, because it's almost impossible not to have your mood influenced by someone you're living with and who you care about. That's what detachment is, but you can't really just will yourself to be detached, it comes with time.
In order to be attractive, you need to be funny and self-confident and often in decent physical shape. Self confidence is reinforced by other people's reaction to you. As long as you are spending the majority of your social interactions on your W, you're self confidence is going to go in the wrong direction. The ONLY path out of that is GAL.
I know it is so hard, but it is imperative.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
If she keeps doing it day in and day out for weeks well then you've got a problem. But everyone should be allowed a "gimme" now and then.