I want to tell here as long as your having the affair (which she doesnt view as an affair because its meaningless)you dont get the priveleges of me being a husband. Otherwise will she ever realize what I offer? I also I am making the changes in my life that are needed. But i almost feel like if I keep supporting her she may never have respect for me. But of course the whole DB thing says what makes sense doesnt work.. Help!?!?
First off Jerms... well done!
I have a different perspective here than most. I cheated on MY husband. You are getting advice from a former wayward and cheater.
You are correct. In my opinion she is not going to respect you until you stand up for yourself. I think you did just the right thing by cutting her off.
UNTIL my husband began respecting himself, I couldn't see my way back to a healthy life. I was addicted, and him cutting me off and protecting himself is what mostly woke ME up.
LRT is indeed a Last Resort, but in my opinion it's also the most effective when you are dealing with infidelity. Minor marital troubles I don't think LRT should be rushed into, but with infidelity I think it's almost necessary for your own health and well being.
My husband got quite will while I was cheating.
Talk to a lawyer. Find out what you are obligated to do, and do that, but do no more than you are legally obligated to do.
If she has chosen to move out, and you are the primary caregiver for children etc, then don't even talk to her unless it's for co-parenting issues.
As soon as she gets into personal chit chat, tell her this is not co-parenting business and exit the convo.
ALWAYS cut HER off FIRST. NEVER wait for her to walk out or end a phone call.
Just do your business with her and then end the call.
EXPECT her to be pissed. EXPECT her to be rude, angry, disrespectful. EXPECT a full on tantrum.
She's an addict, that's part of the addiction process.
Just wait the tantrum out. Do NOT enable her in any way. Just cut her off and let her know for the sake of the children you will consider couples therapy AFTER she has agreed to END the destructive behavior (infidelity).
Until she agrees, keep her cut off.
That's my opinion as a cheater. She is not going to work with you until she respects you. She is not going to respect you until you cut her off. She is going to get WORSE after you cut her off before she gets BETTER.
Support your kids, be a great co-parent. Other than that, she's on her OWN.
THAT is what woke me up. When my husband cut me OFF I started to wake up. I was angry for weeks. But I understood WHY he was doing it, even though I never admitted it.
