ummm... you have a habit of not staying with the threads you create.
It can make it difficult for other board members to support you as they may not have the full story and have to bounce around from thread to thread to try to figure out how we can support you.
I know you thought you might be piecing and other members thought you weren't, yet.
I also know you feel your W is MLC. If she is, this can be a very long process.
Try to stick to one thread. If you have a new question, post it in that one thread. Keep posting journal notes, comments and questions in a single thread until it reaches somewhere around 100 posts (of yours and others) before you start a new thread. And if you believe your W is MLC, keep posting here and you will get appropriate support.
Your W's comment of being afraid to lead you on is what we call "script". Other ways it is heard is, "I don't want to give you false hope."
You call it artificial distance. What does that mean, for you? Emotional distance? Physical distance? If she is feeling pressure from you, she wants space. And she will create it how ever it works for her, no matter what you want to call it.
How can you give her the space she wants?
Your response to her comments very likely sounds like pressure, to her. Which will push her further away from you.
If your goal is to get her to completely shut down and drive her away further emotionally and perhaps physically, then you are likely going to achieve that goal.
If your goal is to try to save the M, then you have to create a space for her to feel comfortable in. Where she does not feel pressure.
Stop chasing her, stop pressuring her.
And...
how can we support you? Are you familiar with the "signs" of MLC and "best practices" in dealing with a spouse who is MLC?
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links with a new one.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I'll start a single one here... My WAW was exibiting various different places a thread could start
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Originally Posted By: GummyBear
Hello.
I'm sure this is common... the WAW will go from talking about how she's wanting physical attention to not wanting to discuss our relationship... to wanting to see a counselor.
We've had some very nice times... then some very neutral times...
I did set a boundry that we're not friends.
She works hard at pushing me away....
What is the standard protocol?
Do I stop "family fun time" (about 2 hours a week?)
Thank you.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Gummy Bear, do you read back to your old threads? It is difficult for board members to support you as you keep opening new threads, and you get responses and questions for more details from you and you start a new thread without responding to the other threads.
That said, I don't even really understand your questions in this thread.
Why would you not be friends with your W, even though you apparently have some scheduled "family fun time".
I would think people who are not friends don't have "fun time". Maybe, "civil, co-parent time at McD's where one parent enters playland with child and the other sits at the table and pretends to include themselves in family fun time".
