Just putting it out there, when in a WAS situation and you have begun the process of detachment, GAL, being friendly and changing yourself for the better, can this make the WAS feel more resentment towards you.
My theory is that if you start showing WAS that you are moving on with your life, being positive etc the WAS could potentially be thinking " good for you that you are being positive etc, but what about the hurt you have caused me"
Does this make sense, does anyone have any experience with this and how to deal with it?
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Well, Cadet, that last question is the one that is probably burning in everyone's mind...
As to WAW_sc... I think it can cause resentments. It seems like some get angry that it took them leaving or threatening a divorce to get any changes at all.
Speaking for myself, I have to admit that sometimes it gets hard when I look at your life and realize it is not where I thought it would be. It was never a question of loving my , it was the way I dealt with my anger and disappointments. I am working hard on that.
Whether or not W will ever see it is not for me to worry about right now.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Just putting it out there, when in a WAS situation and you have begun the process of detachment, GAL, being friendly and changing yourself for the better, can this make the WAS feel more resentment towards you.
Early in the process the WAS just wants to hate the LBS and they look for any reason to do so. My W told me at RetroV that she initially despised my changes. Her thoughts were "if it's so easy for him to change then why didn't he do it a long time ago?" She eventually figured out I didn't change before because I didn't know I needed to. As soon as I found out how I had wronged her, I changed it all. Had she said something before she was already one foot out the door we may still be happily married today. She also said she was angry that I took over all the chores in the house because it made her feel like she wasn't needed there. Eventually she came to realize that it was a good change that I made for the family and not a bad/ selfish one, but it took her many months to get there.
That's why Cadet says to do it for you. Because no matter what you do, your W is going to hate it because that is where her head is at right now. So do the right thing, do it for you and for the kids. Be the best you that you can be. She will hate you for it at first. That's OK, keep doing it. Eventually she will respect you for it, and maybe some day even love you again for it.
As a WAW, when my husband started to detach it was confusing. It was also encouraging for me because I didn't want to hurt him ... I just wanted to stop being hurt.
There was/is some anger and resentment that only now, after I asked him to leave, is he willing to change. I know that many LBS didn't see it coming but I imagine a lot of WAS tried like hell to communicate how bad the relationship felt for them. In my case I was going to move out in July (found an apartment and discussed it with my husband). We separated the following March (after over a year of marriage counseling).
Just today I remembered how, the last 2 days he was in the house, he would touch me and talk to me again. That really confused the heck out of me - it was as though he had to sign a lease and start moving things to a new apartment in order to be willing to touch my shoulder or waist on his own. To be honest, it broke my heart that my emotional pain had to reach such extremes before he would change.
And for some WAS, it feels safer to get angry than to feel hurt and abandoned. So that may be what you are picking up on, anger to mask hurt and pain.
I think/hope I'm past that resentment portion - but this journey is full of ups and downs so it might pop up again.
