So I almost posted this over in MLC since I'm pretty sure that's where she is but decided to stay here. My plan is the same so not sure it makes any difference.
Since the last 'incident' I've been pretty quiet with W and only talking when she starts conversation. We did have a short conversation about us Monday night. One topic came up about why I've been quieter and distant lately. Gave her an example of a conversation we had a few weeks ago that's been on my mind. I told her what I remembered saying, she agreed with the words, then told her what I meant (which was shockingly exactly what I said...). I then said this is what I'm afraid you may have heard. She admitted to hearing even worse. The original conversation was very innocent and she agreed that she seems to only hear and believe negatives and can't get over the past. I told her I understood, I take responsibility for my part of the past, and that until I can figure out a way to ensure what I think I'm saying is heard this is what I need to do.
Talked about a few other things and I did a good job listening. I'll admit here that very little made sense or was even real. Her side of the talk had an edge to it but I wouldn't bite and felt very calm so was ok with having talk. She even admitted to interpreting the Bible and saying every verse can be interpreted to fit someones agenda. She knows this is a sore subject with me so I know she was trying to push a button. All I said is I know that people do that and I was glad my interpretation is one of hope, forgiveness, and standing for what you believe in against all odds. I made myself busy shortly after that subject because I could tell she was either about to shut down or get angry because she wasn't able to get to me.
Last weekend I did write a letter stating a bunch of boundaries, explaining how this and that hurt, etc... I sent it to a few people to read. I then reread it and knew it wouldn't accomplish a dang thing and didn't even say what I really wanted. Little too emotion filled. Within couple hours everyone I sent it to responded with their own version of WTF are you trying to accomplish with this? It was quickly deleted, never to be seen again. It did make me feel a little better to write it though...
Overall I'm doing pretty good and had a great GAL weekend last week (besides 15 minutes to write letter ). The feeling of being gut punched is still lingering but rather then fighting it I'm just letting it be there but not letting it control me. I think the reality of my sitch is setting in and the light I was hoping was at the end of the tunnel feels like it's dimming.
I've also started working on her charity stuff again. I took about 4-6 weeks off from it because I started doubting if my reasons were pure (did I have expectations?). I started feeling used and under appreciated for what I was doing and I knew that would end poorly. Fact is now I have very little hope (sad but true) of anything in my sitch changing before next court date and I have no expectations of this charity making one bit of difference with our sitch. I know how important it is to her and nothing has gotten done since I backed off and no way she'll ever ask me for help. Bottom line, if she's my W, if she's my friend, or if she's an alien that hates me, I know it's important to her, I love her, I can do it without feeling used, so I'm helping again.
Next step I need to do is more GAL during the week and doing a few more things with just the kids and I during the weekend. If honest I'm still not sure I'm ready for it or even want to because I LOVE our family time together but I know I need to.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Spartan, I have a question. Have you ever intentionally tried to push someone's buttons?
I ask because I don't think I have and I've never felt that my H did. But I posted on my thread that sometimes I would keep at something trying to say it in a different way, with different words or even raising my voice.
[b] As I said earlier, our pattern had been I would bring up some problem, he would shut down, I would continue to "nag" and he would further shut down...Why did I continue when I could see he was shutting down?
With this event on Sat, I wanted to continue until he gave me something and I've just discovered what that is, validation.[b]
Could that be considered pushing someone's buttons?
I hear that thing about pushing buttons on here a quite often and wonder how many people actually do intentionally push another's buttons or is that just our interpretation?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yes I have intentionally pushed someone's buttons...in a work setting. I'll occasionally do things to see how someone will react, especially someone I'm (or a different manager) are considering promoting (or letting go).
In personal setting, I don't think I've ever set out to intentionally do it but something that would happen. I know the things I can do with W that make her shut down. I admit I would go there if a "discussion" wasn't going my way or she wasn't getting how smart I really am. I think the majority of time it's used as a defense mechanism for people to get off a topic they aren't comfortable with. Yes, it's wrong and I realize now what I was doing and have worked very hard to not touch her buttons.
I think if you set out to push buttons you're just trying to start a fight and what good is that? I don't think I've ever intentionally started a fight but God knows I backed into my fair share. We never had that crazy make up sex I've heard about so no benefit of starting a fight.
My interpretation for what I've been saying regarding my W is I know without a doubt she knows my old triggers (buttons). She keeps 'probing' those areas to see how I'll react. I think of it as a test. Does she do it intentionally? Who knows??? Like I said I think it's a defense mechanism and she's not comfortable with this new version of me. I know my W brings up things to try and get a reaction. Lately I pass the majority of these tests but believe me, if I fail one that's the one she remembers and uses against me.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I think this is interesting because of the interpretations we put on the actions of others due to the stuff that's in our heads.
Like, I don't really know why my H shuts down but my interpretation in the past has been that he's stubborn, mule-headed, won't stoop so low as to argue, thinks he's perfect, he just doesn't care, all kinds of things that may or not be true, none of them reflect well on him.
It could be that it scares the crap out of him to have a confrontation with me, or he can't in the moment come up with something nice to say so chooses to say nothing or he knows that he just can't win.
I'm learning to stop that auto interpretation, slowly learning I might add, because I don't know why he does what he does. So if I just take it as it comes, without too much mind-reading and taking my emotion out of it, life gets much easier.
This takes a lot of conscious effort. I try to practice this with everyone, so it does get easier.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Very interesting thread. I think I was a button pusher because it is a form of validation and reinforcement I terms of what you get out of a sitch, emotion, interaction etc.,is reinforcement, whether its positive or not.
Now I just don't do that anymore. A big part is that H is gone, so I am not frustrated or upset really, anymore. Weird....but good
When I was angry or feeling not in control, I pushed them consciously. But I think it was more of a way to say " look at me, why don't you understand how I feel" without having to bare my emotions. Anger is easy. Pain, hurt, resentment low self esteem is not.... So in a way, yes, I wanted a sort of validation for my emotions, if someone was disagreeing or I felt down or depressed.
An example would be if I was feeling blah about something at home or complained about school. H's reply would be along the lines of the wonderful life I had, doing what I wanted ( which is true). But all I needed was validation that my life could be tough on occasion even if I loved doing what I was doing.
An example would be if I was feeling blah about something at home or complained about school. H's reply would be along the lines of the wonderful life I had, doing what I wanted ( which is true). But all I needed was validation that my life could be tough on occasion even if I loved doing what I was doing.
BINGO!
We often just want someone to HEAR us, exactly what we preach here about validation!
There's an old song by The Who that starts out, See me, hear me, touch me, feel me.
Learning to state needs is so difficult because we're told we shouldn't have any, or that we're bad people if we just don't go on with our lot in life (there are starving children in Armenia was the line from my parents)
Learning to listen for needs is even more difficult.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Spartan, I have a question. Have you ever intentionally tried to push someone's buttons?
I could write a book on how my W pushes my buttons!! She knows it's going to make me mad, but she does it anyway, then when I do get mad she acts surprised and upset that I get angry "so easily" which is yet another form of pushing my buttons. So she pushes buttons to get me started, then pushes more to aggravate the sitch. I have no idea why she does it. Attention? She felt hurt so wanted me to hurt too? She was bored? Who knows. I'm usually pretty even-keeled, so I tended not to react too much when she pushed my buttons. But those times I did react, she would go into a button-pushing frenzy, LOL!
Just a couple of examples of her button-pushing:
I'm colorblind and purple colors look wierd to me. She wanted to paint our bedroom (which in itself is strange because she never, ever does house projects, that's on me) and what does she choose? 3 shades of purple. She showed the samples to me and I told her they looked terrible. I said "they might look OK to you, but you know I'm colorblind and these colors don't look the same to me, I don't like them at all, they clash with each other and everything in the room." So she then proceeded to paint the whole room with those colors when I was at work the next day.
I can't stand the feel of silk/ satin. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard is to some people, it just makes me shudder. W knows it to the extent that she always makes me try to feel satin dresses and stuff just to see my reaction. I came home one day and what do I find on the bed? Satin PILLOWCASES!! Really? Really? LOL!
). The feeling of being gut punched is still lingering but rather then fighting it I'm just letting it be there but not letting it control me. I think the reality of my sitch is setting in and the light I was hoping was at the end of the tunnel feels like it's dimming.