Lots of good stuff. I'm hung up on the part about being there for each other. Maybe it's just semantics, but if the intention is to be there for someone (i.e. offer support) then the whole point is to do it in a way that works for them. Yes, it has to be something you can live with, too, but if it's perceived as pressure or anything other than support, then it's not what you're intending it to be.
As with love languages, does it make sense to insist that the other person get comfortable hearing the LL that you prefer to speak?
Or maybe it's not about being there for her, but rather being comfortable in yourself when you're with her. More about being there for yourself. That makes perfect sense.
Here's some enticement to check out Pia Mellody's CDs on Boundaries: Enforcing boundaries is largely an internal job. It rarely involves announcements to others. Doesn't that sound easy?
I agree SD, however isn't it up to the other person to let us know how they feel about what we are doing/saying? If I think I am reaching out in a loving way and they perceive it differently and don't say anything until they are frustrated and blow up...
Am I wrong or misunderstanding what is being said?
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
you are absolutely not giving her an ultimatum but stating your boundaries. you are respecting yourself by doing so. state it in a loving & caring way and you are free. hugs!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
You should stand by the new Val. Being selfish is something I needed to learn as well and it was an important lesson in my journey.
My one piece of feedback is, do you need to break it all down for your ex or can you simply say I cant do this right now. Does it help share all your feelings with her or can you share your feelings here with us, in church and with friends and not "over whelm" her with your feelings
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Setting boundaries for those we love is probably the hardest thing we do, I think. I know I struggle as well. Sometimes I don't like the fact that I do not put myself first in this instance and I have no trouble with selfish ! I think, for me, I have to start small, otherwise I will just open the gate once more and all the boundaries in the world won't help.
Val, I think you might want to sit with this for a while longer.
From what you say it seems there's dissonance in you, that's all yours.
I read back over your last several posts and maybe the dissonance was because you were having this internal dialogue that you transcribed, with a lot of you weighing pros and cons.
What is your boundary, stated succinctly?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You should stand by the new Val. Being selfish is something I needed to learn as well and it was an important lesson in my journey.
What helped you to learn to be selfish (in a constructive way)?
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
@labug - you know what... I can't even state it succinctly? Guess I need to work on that.
@SD - I understand what you are saying...and I believe it. I have that struggle on a consistent basis between understanding who a person is/what they want and balancing that with my own wants and who I am.
But the truth is... certain kinds of relationships don't make me feel good inside. And it's up to ME to decide what to do about it.
For example:
XW - responded apologizing for the delay in response. She was on an 8 day meditation retreat.
I said no worries. I didn't re-ask my question.
a few hours later she mentioned that we could talk but it couldn't be until August.
Me: Gotcha well just to check back in with me when you get back into town. X: Well how about this.. because I may forget, just reach out early August and we'll pick a day Me: I understand that mentality but I'd rather not bug you about it. If you forget then it wasn't meant to be. X: (delayed response) Fair enough
Now I fully admit that my gut response was anger and a feeling that she doesn't care. Because I know I wouldn't forget something like that if it was important to the other person.
And I know that's mind-reading and something I need to work on...
However - I'm not going to disregard that my LL is Time and people I want in my life want to spend time with me. They don't forget when they make plans, they don't ask for reminders to hang out.
It's not that people are who are forgetful are doing anything wrong, it just doesn't work for me emotionally.
And instead of being resentful about it... I have three options really.
1. Let the issue go. 2. Let the person go. 3. Teach them how I want to be treated.
And IMO - it's far TOO OFTEN that I chose number one.
Because I'm scared of #2
And because I don't know how to communicate #3
#3 - is what I tried to explain to xw without pressuring her or making her feel bad about forgetting..
... I just don't know if I succeeded.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
#3 - is what I tried to explain to xw without pressuring her or making her feel bad about forgetting..
... I just don't know if I succeeded.
I too would choose #1 as a default as I will tend to let things go because... quality time with someone I WANT to spend time with, is worth letting go of being pursued.
but...
#3 is a good route to go. Just because you are willing to, and DO, let things go (desire to be pursued in a benign "if they want to be with me, they have to show they do")
Expressing that LL, "One of the most important things to me is spending time with friends. It is important for me to know the person wants to spend time with me by occasionally initiating and planning those times."
Once you've established that need, it is very important to understand AND ACCEPT that Time may not be the LL of the person you want to spend time with.
Then, it is up to you how to handle that.
For example, my gf seemed to think her LL included time, although it appears to me that her LL is gifts. It is making for an interesting dynamic.
I have made her aware of my need to be pursued at times or at least indicate that she would like to spend time with me. Unfortunately, her context requires I pursue her. On the flip side, she buys me gifts (generally food items when we are out), yet will not generally allow me to buy her gifts (again, because of her context).
Until her context changes, I will need to pursue her and she will continue to not accept gifts. But I know she loves me, nevertheless, because she DOES buy me gifts and will occasionally mention wanting to spend time with me or letting it slip that she <3s me.
So again, the point is, we cannot EXPECT people to cater to our LL.
Find what works for you, accept what is, and go forward from there.
!