suppose one of your kids tried to reach something on a high shelf, and accidentally knocked over and shattered a valuable, irreplaceable, antique vase. I don't know how old your kids are, but let's suppose that when this happens, the kid is old enough to know better, i.e. he/she is aware when reaching for the high object that it could quite likely knock down the vase.
so what do you do? do you never talk to your kid again? what is more important, the vase (no matter how valuable) or your relationship with your kid? years later, will you look back with satisfaction and say, "yeah, I never talked to my kid again after that, but I sure punished him/her for breaking that vase!"
or....
do you forgive him/her for breaking the vase; realize that he/she made a dumb mistake when he/she decided (yes, DECIDED) to try to reach the high object when it could have (and in fact did) knock over the vase; and say to him/her - "I will forgive you if you promise me to never do something like that again."
and while you mourn the loss of the valuable vase, you have decided to preserve something much more important in life.
lol...too trusting, you paint a great picture of me without even knowing me or the destruction she did to our family with her actions - "going balistic"...sorry, but hate to tell you i am the quiet voice when i tried to ask questions, she was the one who went "balistic" when she yelled at me for her A, "i just want to forget about it"....so does your C also tell you in order to move forward from the A there needs to be a rebuilding of trust? mending the hole the fallen tree left in your home? if the branch is removed cant fix the roof until the supporting structure is sound right?
as for your question, there is a huge difference about making a poor decsion and accidently knocking over a vase and making a poor decision to let another man put his penis inside you, while married to another. These are both poor decsions yes, but one has an "accidental" result (might knock vase ove and might not)and the other is a "direct" result of a choice...there is no other result possible (unless you don't get caught).
and as for the kids, i do everything with them...it is the way i GAL during he BS and she resents that they always want me to do things with them and not her....i know i am no saint, nor do i claim to have been. If she wanted to pack he bags and leave, she has had more than enough chances.
gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
cell phone is in my name....she bumped up the plan to cover all the text messages between them...sadly i was friends with the guy so easy to figure out, once i called the number.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Going forward. What do you think you can do for yourself to step past this road block that you have for yourself?
There is nothing wrong at all with not wanting to sweep your thoughts and feelings under the rug because they do not play into the cheating spouses concept of reality.
Since this is an issue for you that needs to be addressed. Continue to address it but make sure you have expectations , choices , actions and consequences.
This is something you need to work through as individuals and as a couple.
If she does not take your thoughts and feelings with the 100% respect and work that is required then you have even more answers on the level of a wife you have and you need to decide if its worth it to continue on. You worked hard. I can see your frustration on figuring out that it may have been a stacked game the whole time. You work hard you improve and get nothing in return except a wife who has zero regrets, zero remorse and zero respect. Hopefully it is not that way. But it may be. That is for you to decide.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
cell phone is in my name....she bumped up the plan to cover all the text messages between them...sadly i was friends with the guy so easy to figure out, once i called the number.
You got smashed. Sorry to hear about it. Was the "friend" was this always an interloper, or things just got out of control. IE: was there always a shortage of respect that wasn't realized?
Was there anything in the "type" of relationship partner that after the fact is a lot more clear?
I feel for you. My wife is having an affair but she doesn't know I know and I also know the guy. It [censored]. Good luck to you and all of us in this situation.
M 43 W 35 S 6 BD 7-11 Served 5-2-13 Sep agree signed 5-12-14 Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14 Divorce hearing set May 2 Divorced May 2
@ Chatterbug - great input...does feel like everything is stacked against me, do have thoughts at times about where would i be today if i had tossed her out like my gut wanted to...but my kids would have been crushed (and the whole financial thing). trying to work forwad but she just gets pissed if i have a "bad" day or something "triggers" me in to a sort of depressed funk.
@ DLS - the more i look back before the A i think it was a shortage of respect for me that i am just now realizing (only other person that knows about this is my office "wife" and is amazed with all the disrepect i get, and tell me all the time that my W should be thankful for all the things i do, and wants to tell her she has no clue how good she has it). on the flip of it since the A i don't let walk on me and i don't have her on the pedalstal i used to keep her on.
@Kenva - if my bad expirence taught me one thing, you better expose her and let her know you know, don't live in the darkness alone.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
I can't believe I am going to post something on this topic, it has been a little over 3 years when I discovered about the lying, cheating, drinking ways of the man I am legally married to.
Oh yes, over ALL this time, he has come back to me MANY times saying how much he loves me, wants to work on us. He went to a counselor 2 times, then I started seeing her with him a year after. That didn't last long. We stopped because he wasn't doing anything that she told him to do with me. You see, I have been married 32 years. This was the 5th marriage counselor in our married years. Granted, I will admit, I wasn't always doing what I was told to do to make my marriage successful. Now I am a different person.
Three years ago I read either in a book or on this forum, " I didn't ask to be on this journey but I am thankful for the experience. It was my lesson in life to learn about me and I will be forever grateful."
That is my mantra.
With the help of that counselor ( which I still see ), a Life Coach (3 years ago) BUT mostly from the wise words of Timber Hawkeye, author of Buddhist Boot Camp, I have become a much better person. I am still working on me.
The man I am still married to is still a broken man. My counselor said it back in March 2013. " S is a broken man who refuses to fix himself. You don't want a broken man as your partner. You can love him but from a distance."
September 2013 this man said to me, " I am going back to counseling for me. I want to figure out why I can't commit to coming back to you when I know I love you and we have so much in common. We are best friends. " LOL!! That didn't last long. He went only about 4 or 5 times.
He keeps going back to the OW. Funny, he always says to me, " I have no one special in my life. I will always love you, you have a special place in my heart." 3 years ago he admitted that the OW had a drinking problem worse than him, that she was a horrible housekeeper and that her adult kids were all screwed up. Now he claims he never had a drinking problem. He is REALLY confused.
My counselor says, " she isn't special to him, you are. This is all about sex or being his drinking partner."
Either way, it still hurts after all these years.
He keeps sending me mixed messages. My birthday was in early April and he sent me a dozen red roses with a card that said, " Happy Birthday to a special person. Love, S"
My counselor said I should have refused to accept them.
I told her that because I am a forgiving, loving person, I just accept this as a lovely gesture, nothing more, nothing less.
The point I am trying to make is this, yes, forgive and move on. Do it for yourself. BUT love yourself more. You see, not all are really willing to work on repairing the marriage. I believe S ( his name ) does nice gestures to try to look like he is a great guy, to show everyone that he is a great guy BUT no one but me knows what is really going on. He is still involved with the OW.
I still go to counseling because I don't bother my girlfriends with all this crap yet I sometimes need to talk it out. I am very willing to pay a counselor to listen and make me aware of things. Sure, Sometimes I need a different perspective on things.
From Timber Hawkeye ~ You can love someone unconditionally, but keeping them in your life can most certainly have conditions. ~
Without communication there is no relationship; without respect there is no love, and without trust there is no reason to continue. It truly does take 2 to make a thing go right.
" Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow" ~ Aristole
" What comes, let it come. What stays, let it stay. What goes, let it go." ~ Papaji
"We are only as sick as our secrets. The truth has set you free!!" Just saw these words today on FB / Buddhist Boot Camp. You see, that man that I am still married to, has so many secrets. All I ever ask of him is to be truthful. He always says, " I don't have to listen to listen to this" and walks away.
