I always find it weird when they become friendly out of no where. It used to give me hope---I used to think it was a sign of him softening up...but I have realised over the years its just his way now with me. Whatever his mood is he projects on to me. Now I just focus on not getting moved either way and getting out of his way.
so so true, busting. thanks for the reminder.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Kids were shocked as they know he has not paid school fees or anything else of their financial needs.
This made me laugh. Your kids know better than to believe him. See, they (Hs) think YOU will fill the kids heads with negative things about them (Hs) but they do it to themselves. They're just too blind to take responsibility for their actions.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
MIL rang today to ask me to bring the kids up to visit them for Easter. STBX had taken them up on Friday for lunch. Now she was asking me for Sunday. "To exchange eggs" she said. I had no eggs to give MIL & FIL - no money, so no eggs.
But anyway, had a nice afternoon. Just sitting around with them and the kids talking and laughing.
Just seemed so normal. Catching up with all the news about family members. Like nothing had ever happened; just that STBX was not there. Not that I missed his presence - I'm so used to it being just the 3 of us now.
But it brought home to me how 'unreal' his absence is, in a sense. I don't 'miss' him or 'need' him any more. It's not that sort of feeling. It just feels so unbelievable, still.
I suppose it's the same when someone dies unexpectedly. You just can't grasp the finality of it.
Now I'm left with a feeling that maybe i shouldn't be having anything to do with MIL and FIL. Maybe it will keep me stuck.... Maybe only stbx should take the kids to see them.
Would it be better for everyone concerned and help me to move on if I just dropped out of their lives too?
But then, I am their grandchildren's mother. And we are likely to be involved in each other's lives for many years to come.
Obviously, people have to negotiate this sort of thing all the time. But it just feels very false at the moment. Like "Don't mention the war", we speak of everything except him. And no-one mentions HER.
Is this just more pursuit on my part? STBX has accused me of 'sucking up' to his parents.
IDK, can't think straight. Just thought I needed to ramble a bit in the hope of some clarity.
I dont know NLW-I'd like to read the feedback you get. I still talk regularly with my SIL (she is my BFF and even lived with me for 3 months despite H not living here), and see her and her family and my BIL and his family on holidays. I make these plans with or without H. I also see some of H's relatives here where we live (as I have no family here). I always looked at it for the kids sake and the sense of family for all (myself included), I never thought that this could be construed as pursuit...
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I still keep in touch with my step daughter. We have a great relationship. I don't know what her father thinks of it and to be perfectly honest I don't care. He was mad initially but he was also in full blown lost his mind at the time. Now when we speak her names comes up in a way that suggests he respects my role in her life. I wanted to provide a lesson to her about relationships and people....they don't just drop out of your life. H's mother on the other hand...I now see her more clearly than I ever did. She's the one keeping her son down by not letting him be a man and take responsibility for his choices. But that's another story. I have nothing nice to say to or about that woman.
So is these relationships have value to you on their own, outside your marriage, then by all means keep them up. But if you can't honestly say that this is the case then why bother?
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Busting and GWN, Thanks for letting me know about your sitches in this regard.
It has taken me a few days to 'recover' from seeing the inlaws in their own home (I'm usually OK seeing them in my house; it just shook me a bit to go up to visit them).
So, today was Court Day.
Oh my.... grand result: stood around for 2 and a half hours with lawyers in tow, and spent less than 5 mins in court to get a date for a conciliation hearing (necessary next step in the D process) in 3 months time. Probably blew around 2 thousand dollars each.
H was livid with me.
I spent most of the time talking to him in the foyer. He turned up in a pair of denim jeans and a jumper (to court!) - this is a man who usually wears the most expensive Italian suits and ties (courtesy of me, I might add). He was presenting as a 'poor' spouse who earns so much less than his W.
Things he said:
1. He was not going to be represented by a L. She then turned up and he said "I must have already paid her for this and so that's why she's here".
2. Asked me repeatedly (like, over and over again) if I knew how much this was going to cost.
3. Told me his business failure was my fault as I would not let him sell all of our property (rental apartments) and spend the Trust money quickly enough to support his tax debt. Said my procrastination had been the cause of all his business problems in the past and that nothing had changed.
4. Accused me of obstructing the Divorce when I took the magistrate's advice to adjourn the application hearing a couple of weeks ago on the grounds that no arrangements were in place for child support. He said he had offered then and there to 'reinstate' the payments and that I had still made the decision to adjourn. (after all, his word is his bond!!!)
4. At one point, when I disagreed with him, told me "It's just the drugs talking". When I asked him what drugs, he said that it was the fact that he had to take medication for brain aneurisms. That what he was saying was obviously a result of the damage he'd sustained to his brain. (This was something I'd raised with him prior to BD when he was starting to act so recklessly with our money).
5. Said that I would wreck everything by keeping on resisting his generous offer of settlement. Told me that I would now lose the house.
6. Told me that I was 'playing' him.
7. Said that his L told him that my L was the 'most expensive in town', and that if I could afford him, he (stbx) should withdraw his 'generous' offer and go me for 50% of everything.
8. Said he was not going to pay child support so I could pay for an expensive lawyer out of it.
9. Accused me of emotional blackmail when I asked him to please start CS payments again. Said I always used emotional blackmail on him and nothing had changed.
10. Said that he had instructed my L to deal directly with him in future, that he would not be employing a L any more.
11. Was on the verge of tears repeatedly: eyes bloodshot and weepy.
Have you developed a thick skin yet? You're past the point where blame and ancient history should make you rethink what is best for you. Stay tough, put blinders on around his antics (jumper and tears and accusations) and let your L do what you're paying him to do. You're not going to get more than you deserve. Be "heartless" now and just get through this legal stuff.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ad, Thanks for this - It made me stop worrying so much about what had happened yesterday.
Yep, I need a thick skin - and I should be past this point of doubting what I am doing.
STBX is still very convincing in his arguments... he spent most of yesterday telling me that I was in control of my L and thus the way the case was going (expensive) was all of my making.
As nutty as he is, he still manages to plant a seed of doubt in my mind about any action that I take. He is always 'right'. And I always end up thinking, 'maybe he is...'
Another mother asked me why stbx wasn't there to watch his son in his moment of glory.
I told her he was gone. She was incredulous, as she'd known us since our two sons were in kindergarden together - the old "He was the last person in the world I thought would ever do that!"
Don't know if this makes me feel better or worse about my sitch. At first I thought - Wow, I'm right; there really is something wrong with stbx. Now, I just feel like it sorta adds to the tragedy and unreality of it all.
Wanted to journal a small step forward. This sounds so silly... but I want to note it here.
STBX rang this morning to ask if he could pick up the kids from school. He hasn't done this in yonks.
When I answered the phone, he said "Hi It's [name]. How are you?"
This is the first time I think he's asked in 19 months. I nearly dropped the phone.
I would count this as a baby step that follows on from almost 4 months of very minimal contact on my part - just in case anyone is interested in time lines!
If this is a marathon, I'm doing it on hands and knees and pulling a tractor.
