From the mouth of the MLCer

[AntoniaB]

Oh, the things you find when you're doing your taxes :-)

I'm starting this as a separate thread from my own only because this relates to my past and I'm not really in this "place" anymore, but I found 2 letters from my XH that came in the early days of him having left me for the OW, and I don't believe I've ever shared them in full with the people here. I offer them primarily for the newbies as some evidence of the way a typical MLCer (or not?) thinks and defends him/herself. I think if you read these you can see that my XH, who had not yet filed for D at the time but who was firmly in a rel. with OW, living elsewhere, CANNOT BE MOVED. If I have one regret it is that I spent months after these letters came assuming that my doing X, Y, or Z would change his mind. It's 2 1/2 years later and he's never made ONE MOVE to return to the marriage.

So my main reason to type these out is to communicate to others that when the STBX is speaking in this way, you need to detach, detach, detach.

Here's the first one:

"I'm sorry that I had to become the worst person you could conceive of in order to become the best person I could be. I may be just as shocked in some ways over my behavior as you are. You don't deserve this in any way but it is what it is and I won't insult you by trying to justify it. Take care, XH."

I may have posted that before, but it bears repeating for newbies.

Here's the second:

"Look let me say this. I do not regret marrying you. I do not regret the years I spent married to you. I was happy for most of those years. I do not think you were or are a bad person. The question that probably comes to mind then is "Why am I not married to you still?" That is the thing we can not discuss. I made a choise, I broke your trust, you forgave me but I wanted something different. There is no going back at this point. I think both of us agree on that.

I have my doubts, I would have to be insane not to. I some times wonder if the rest of my life is going to unfold like some kind of Greek tragedy, but I cannot let fear rule my life. I'm sorry that you paid the price for my decision. I have a price to pay too financially and emotionally. I also left my best friend. My fear is that you will see any discussions of this nature as an open door for you to comment on or influence my current life. I do not want that. You will always be a part of my life but I cannot allow you to influence the decisions that I am currently making. There is a large part of me that I need to seal off from you or I risk making the same mistakes over and over again. My current relationship needs to forge its own path and not be driven by my past.

You keep telling me that I haven't changed. I have. I recognize when I am making choises that are not good for me and I evaluate what I should be doing and correct my course. You appear to be doing the same so let's not interfere with each other's future happiness.

I hope you find someone who will treat you better than I did over the last two years. I know it was a difficult time and I'm sorry. If it was a mid-life crisis then I am over it and I have emerged on the other side with a new perspective. I have not lost my mind. I am not saying that my previous life was flawed and this one is superior either. There are good points and bad points to each. The hardest thing to deal with is the lack of history. I miss that at times but that will change over time as well. They are just different that's all and this is where I am now. This is where I feel the most like "me" that I have ever felt. I feel healthy. I feel happy."

My honest reaction to finding this was that there was a tiny part of me that remembered the hurt and anguish and I almost cried. It's almost like I walled off that part of my life and it doesn't seem real. It's like a very sad story that I read that I was reminded of for just a minute.

What I can say about the way things have played out all this time later is that my life on my own has grown by leaps and bounds. I am very content as a single woman and very fulfilled by my family, friends, and career in ways I wasn't when married. XH is still with OW and still spends a lot of time trying to convince people how great she is. He has returned to his old pattern of being angry and cynical about everything in his life but his mate.

So I just wanted to put this out there for anyone who wants to see the view from 2 1/2 years ago to what I know now, and to say that if you've heard anything like this from your MLCer, the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that this is a story that you didn't think you'd find yourself in, but you did, and the only option you have is to turn the page and write a new chapter.

[AJM]

Thanks for posting that, Anotnia.


Peace,
AJ

[BeingMe]

WTH, is this your ex-H saying this? He sounds life a fr#aking professor of justifications. IMHO, he's still in the MLC. But, that's just my opinion.

My H said to me today: "I have nothing to hide." Really? F, these men make me sick.

[SemperFi00]

Thanks for sharing AntoniaB.

FWIW, I have heard some of the same stuff from W. Remaining here and continuing to DB to be the best H/F/person I can be and still hoping that the fog lifts @ some point.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks so much for sharing Antonia. Your husband’s words demonstrate that our spouses are doing what they feel they need to do, not to hurt us, but for themselves.

Surely for them, this time in their life is a great awakening. They can now see everything clearly and are finally on the correct path. When you think of it this way, who are we to argue or stand in their way?

The hardest thing to deal with is the lack of history. I miss that at times but that will change over time as well.

Shared history is one of the things my W has mentioned that she will also miss. (if she leaves)

[AJM]

Yeah FY, it really is about them becoming human. There's a great book, if you're interested, called that "Becoming Human" and has the observations of Victor Frankl. Interesting reading.

But tight path or wrong path? Only time will tell for that one. Either way, they feel a strong need to follow a different path than what they thought they needed to previously.

Peace comes from having your heart, mind and soul in harmony with one another. Somebody going through MLC (or just a mid life transition) doesn't have that. And often, they blame those closest to them. In Anotonia's case, he is not blaming her. That's a rare gift in MLC land. Even if he doesn't think that he ever said it

Peace,
AJ

[BklynMom]

Thanks for posting. Hard to follow his ramblings but insightful none the less

[ericmsant2]

the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that this is a story that you didn't think you'd find yourself in, but you did, and the only option you have is to turn the page and write a new chapter.

Thanks for posting this Antonia...this ^^^ just about sums it up.

[tadpole1025]

Hi. I was thinking about you today Antonia. How have you been?

Tad

[job]

Antonia,
How are you doing these days? Thanks for posting some of the letters. It shows that it's all about them and what they need to do to move on to another place in their minds.

You are absolutely correct that we have been dropped into a story that we never imagined we would find ourselves in...but once you learn to accept that there is nothing you can do to change the course of their ship, you have to find a way to move on/forward and turn the page to a new chapter.

I do hope that you are finding some peace these days and are doing well. Please do not be a stranger.