Don't want my 2nd marriage to end in divorce too

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Here is my story:

Day 1 Wednesday Feb 20 2013
My wife had a work event and I had a ski trip so we would not be seeing each other until Sunday the 24th. We attempted to make love that morning but I had a performance issue. It doesn’t happen all the time but I know it is something I need to get help for.
Nonetheless, later that night we exchanged some lighthearted texts and each of us signed off with a ”Love U”.
We exchanged a couple more texts over the weekend but wife was not very responsive and I didn’t really give it a second thought until later. She spent much of the weekend reading the 50 Shades of Grey books. My wife suggested that I read the first book and since we share a kindle account I would see her progress whenever I logged in to read.
Background information:
My wife works very hard at a job that just about kills her and she is the primary income earner for our household. I am semi-unemployed working 1 part-time job and two other contract work jobs but the work has dried up. I have been looking for more work but in my wife’s eyes probably not hard enough. I have a 5 month job assignment coming in April but since Christmas I have been out of work and looking. I do a lot of the household chores and cook meals but probably could have done more.
I have two teenage kids from my first marriage who live with us every other week and my wife has a college-age son that lives with us full time while going to school.
Sunday February 24
I return home and my wife is a bit cold and this continues for a couple of days. I assume it is primarily job stress because she spends a lot of time talking to me about problems at work. She does this a lot and sometimes I try and help her solve problems. In hindsight I should have probably just listens and given her a hug.
Tuesday February 26
Wife is telling me about a work problem and I try to give her advice and she gets a little mad. I say sorry and she then says it is ok… But before she walks away she gets very angry and says she needs to be taken care of and I am not doing what needs to be done. She wants to know why I don’t just hold her and tell her it is going to be OK? When I try, she pushes me away and says it is too late and she is numb.
We had a vacation planned for the end of March and my wife has decided to go with her mom instead of me.
Friday March 1
Unhappiness in the relationship leads to discussions of divorce.
Saturday March 2
Wife goes to a friend’s Birthday party and asks me to stay home; She doesn’t think we should do things as a couple anymore. My wife is usually one to leave early but in this case she decides to return home at 3 AM. I pretend to be asleep and say it didn’t bother me the next day.
Monday March 4
I rub my arm against her in the middle of the night and she moves to sleep in another room.
Tuesday March 5
I leave and spend the night with my parents.
Wednesday March 6
I come home but stay out late with a friend.
Thursday March 7
Wife informs me that her and her son are looking for a home to rent.
More information
Each morning during this time wife and I have gone to the gym together and we have cooked meals together we generally get along for small talk but today I ask for logistics of her move because It will affect us financially because we will need to support two households.
Wife said that she missed me a bit when I didn’t come home Wed. night but the positives of that exchange felt ruined by the more serious discussion of money and my kids.
Wife leaves for another work event tonight (March 7) and could come home tomorrow but said that she may stay and extra night and when she gets back her weekend is full of her alone activities.
This is my second marriage and during my first divorce I found the divorce busting materials a bit too late. This time I feel well prepared. My biggest problem is that the necessity of dealing with important issues pushes wife away more. I try to be calm and nice but I do not want to lose my current house and my wife. It is also of course very difficult to control emotions and I tend to backslide a bit. I am just looking for others to bounce ideas off of as I go through the process. I would really love to bust this divorce.
Am I posting in the right place?
Thank you all for your help!
2ndtimearoundinCA

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[labug]

You said you found DB materials too late in your first marriage.

Did you or do you practice the principles now? My guess would be no since you're here. If so, why is that?

What can you do differently now?

How long have you been married to current wife?

How long between first D and 2nd M?

How long were you married the first time?

[Breakdown]

Sounds like you need to work on listening and validating. Are you?

Why are you discussing D and moving out? If she brings it up, listen and validate.

The one thing that really bothers me in your post is that you say:

This time I feel well prepared.

DB isn't something you implement to save your M and then go back to the same old same old. It sounds like that's what you did and now you are back in the same boat. M is work...just because there's not a hole in the ship doesn't mean you stop taking care of it.

What were the problems in your first M? How did you address them? Were your changes real? What do you see as the problems in your current M? Are they the same or similar?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Hi All. Thank you for your replies. The major problems from my first marriage were that I worked for my wife's family business, we had small children and we both worked long hours and were a bit overwhelmed and the Marriage became neglected. When my first wife left I pursued and did what felt natural which pushed her away.

1st marriage ended 2003. I met my 2nd wife in 2006, married in 2009.

To Breakdown: You are right .. sometimes I fall into a trap of other life issues and lose track of the work required for a healthy marriage.

The major issue with my current marriage is that I need more steady work. I have a promising opportunity coming up and I hope that helps.

My wife is not staying in the house right now and she is set to permanently move out on April 17. She is not comfortable around me because she knows that I hope the marriage works and and she knows that it is over.

I saw wife briefly on Sunday and she told me about an exchange with her boss that had made her upset. I was sympathetic; it was really a moment to give her a hug but that is not ok anymore.
Today's communication consisted of a single TM from me"I hope you are doing better today and boss is being nicer to you. You work so hard I can't see how anyone could be critical of your work."

Her response "Thank u. I have been feeling anxiety all day. Started yesterday morning. Hate this feeling!!!"

I did not respond as I did not want to send too many TMs. It is odd that she is leaving because she does not feel taken care of but trying to take care of her now pushes her away.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

After reflecting on her TM I responded:
"it is terrible that ur job does that to you. I am happy to just listen if you want to talk later. I promise no other topics"

she responded with ":)"

So I called her in the evening and listened to her work stories and validated. She asked if there was anything else and I said no. We continued to talk about her work and I did mention that I had a job interview. I asked her if she had more work to do tonight and she said yes so I suggested we end the call.

..So how am I doing?

[AnotherStander]

but in this case she decides to return home at 3 AM. I pretend to be asleep and say it didn’t bother me the next day.

You don't have to fake being asleep, but you should act like you don't care about where she's been. And don't tell her it doesn't bother you (unless she asks). Because if you tell her it doesn't bother you, it of course makes her think you're saying it to mask your true feelings. Just don't say anything about it at all.

I rub my arm against her in the middle of the night and she moves to sleep in another room.

Now's not the time to push for physical contact.

I leave and spend the night with my parents.

Don't leave the house. The WAS needs to leave and feel all the inconveniences and headaches of that.

Wife said that she missed me a bit when I didn’t come home Wed. night but the positives of that exchange felt ruined by the more serious discussion of money and my kids.

Keep in mind this is a marathon, not a sprint. It sounds like you're hoping for quick fixes, but as 25 is fond of saying, "Consistent actions + Time = change your S can believe in."

After reflecting on her TM I responded:
"it is terrible that ur job does that to you. I am happy to just listen if you want to talk later. I promise no other topics"

she responded with ":)"

So I called her in the evening and listened to her work stories and validated. She asked if there was anything else and I said no. We continued to talk about her work and I did mention that I had a job interview. I asked her if she had more work to do tonight and she said yes so I suggested we end the call.

..So how am I doing?

You're doing fine, but again, this is a marathon. It'll take months and months of DB'ing and improved behavior before your W might change her attitude about divorce. So just settle in for the long haul and drop expectations.

Have you read DR? What are your 180s?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I had three major issue3: (1)not employed full-time, (2)not paying enough attention to wife's needs, (3)intimacy issue.

I think I fixed the first one (I should know by tomorrow). Since W is distancing herself from me it is hard to work on the other 2.

Employment 180: I was looking for work in a couple of fields that suited my education and skill set. I found nothing, but kept doing more of the same. I changed it up and it looks like I am about to start a new job in a different industry (if my last interview today goes well).. In fact in April I will have two jobs because I teach night classes at community college.

My wife and I were best friends just a few weeks ago and now we are seemingly growing further and further apart. I would love to take all the things that were right and begin there to construct a new and better relationship. But she has a deposit down on a new home and is set to move out in a few weeks and she rarely stays in the house with me now. (she is able to stay at her work but really don't know where she is staying) I feel like I just have to let her go and see what else is out there before she will even possibly come back. That in and of itself may cause too much damage to repair the relationship.

I am trying to be patient because I know this is a marathon but part of me feels like hanging onto hope is causing me too much anxiety. Because we have no kids together it may be easier to just let go and move on.

Thank you for your reply.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Well as far as the job goes they need to interview other candidates which may be the kiss of death .. we'll see. I had a backslide this morning as wife did not come home last night like she said she would .. we had an argument .. Oddly it almost felt good after the argument. we never fought about anything when the relationship seemed to be happy.

I am conflicted in that W needed more attention from me but now I am supposed to back off ... Part of me feels like I need to show her that I love her more than anything but I don't know how at this stage.

She is home now working upstairs and I am leaving her alone.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I realize that w has an OM now. I started the paperwork for divorce and I am going dark. My last hope is that this will draw her to me. There are no children so I am completely gone; she will have to reach out to me.