Almost two years and still stuck in limbo

[newman7977]

Here are my threads, looks like the last one has been locked:

1) http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...117#Post2285117

2) http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2286358&page=11

Update:

Yes we are still stuck in limbo. Nothing changed, my W is still don't have those "loving feelings" towards me and because of that she doesn't have the drive to work on the marriage.

What am I doing for myself? Well my focus is with the kids. I'm still involved a lot with them, taking s13 to basketball, hanging out with d18, and taking care of s3. I still continue to go to the market weekly (it's my 180 two years ago). I'm also riding my bike Saturdays, and am training for another charity event at the end of April.

I've been flip flopping lately about filing for D or separation. I really don't want to be with anyone who doesn't love me anymore. Sometimes my feelings are so strong about letting my wife go, but she won't move out. She told me one day that she won't just pack up her bags and leave the kids...so lately, she is just ok living together without intimacy.

We are also now in a sex less marriage. Its all piling up I don't know, if it wasn't for the kids I definitely would've left. I still hopeful for reconciliation but as the days go by, the more I feel no chance.

One day I told her in the middle of R talk, that if she wants those feelings to come back, she should stop talking to OM. Of course she denied that she's still talking to him, but I told her this marriage won't stand a chance if she's still meeting her needs with him. I really do think she is still talking to OM.

I don't have any solid proof but I do want to be informed. Yes I'm tracking her move by using the iphone app. I know, this is frowned upon DB ways, but I do want to know.

I started noting that some days she would park her car a block away from our house before I get home from work and she would stay there for about 30 mins on those days doing who knows what. She's not on the phone and she can't be with OM since he's few states away, so the only thing I can think of is that maybe she's got another phone and conversing with OM. I don't have a solid proof so I'm sitting on this info right now. When I confirm, then my decision would be to file for D. Like some would say here I will remove myself from the sitch.

I don't know right now we are still together but it's not helping the limbo state. I think at one point we'd have to discuss our separation. I think the only chance for this marriage is for us to separate and to give her the reality of what she's thinking that would make her happy, the life without me. Maybe it is what's going to make her happy, who knows. But I accept either ways.

I just feel so bad for the kids and that's what's keeping me to stay and give it a chance. It really breaks my heart if I'm the one who would initiate separation or filing...but at the same time I just can't live like this anymore.

Well, that's all I have right now til next update thanks for reading.

Newman

[AnotherStander]

Newman, you've been in your sitch a lot longer than I've been in mine, but I certainly sympathize with your comments as I'm going through the same thoughts in my sitch. In my case we are separated, and I can tell you that it does change the dynamic a lot. So if you feel stuck then I think separation is something you should strongly consider. It will give your W more time and space than she can ever get at home, and it will give both of you a new perspective on the sitch. Good luck!!

[Accuray]

There is a book about "Controlled Separation" you may want to check out

[GALbaby]

Hey New Man..you've been away a while. Sorry to hear you're still in limboland. I agree with AS. Maybe its time to give yourself a break from it. Keep us posted.

[newman7977]

AS - thanks. I have to catch up on your sitch. All I know is that you got off the A/D's? If so good for you. You sound well AS

Accuray - I will check out the book. It sounds like a trial separation? I read some of your sitch before, I have to check it out how you piece your marriage.

Galbaby - hey thanks for checking in. I haven't heard from you in a while too. Glad to hear from you. I hope you're sitch is improving and getting out of limbo.

Update: I'm sad to report that my W staying the extra 30-40 mins before coming home has been a pattern now. Same pattern a few blocks away from home she'd stop for a while, I know the area and it's not commercial it's residential no reason to stop.

I really feel like confronting her now but I know she will deny it...I don't know what she does I just know she stay the extra time before coming home..I see it on my Iphone app. It's fine, I cant control her and what she does but what bothers me is that my kids doesn't need to stay alone like that at home where she could've been home alrady. I mean granted d18 is now an adult to watch my other young kids but there's no reason. My gut tells me she's talking to OM, probably another phone line or email because its not showing in our phone records.

I will confront as soon as I plan my separation the days i will take the kids and the weekends I will have them. I know she won't move out so I would have to remove myself out. Yes I discuss this with a L before, we talked about to avoid leaving the marital home but if I do, as long as I can show the judge I had custody of the kids 50% it will not be abandonment. I will try to get a second opinion...but I think that make sense what do you guys think?

Anyway, I really can't allow this to happen anymore. I think My W's infatuation is too strong to overcome and I need to let my W go so she can see exactly what she's doing to herself and her family and what she's about to lose. Right now, she has me as a cover of a family togetherness, we go to family gatherings like nothing happened. My SIL that knows the EA thinks that W is working this but she doesn't know this little stops that my W is doing. My W is getting the convenience of both worlds. And I truly believe this M will not make it if OM is still on the sideline.

Til next time,
Newman

[AnotherStander]

AS - thanks. I have to catch up on your sitch. All I know is that you got off the A/D's? If so good for you. You sound well AS

Thanks Newman, I am feeling pretty good although there hasn't been any movement in my sitch. Other than that life is great I did get off the A/D's and so far it's going fine. W took the kids to the beach for a few days, a few months ago I would have been super-depressed about it I'm sure, but now I'm fine with it and am glad they're enjoying themselves. I talked to the kids and W last night and they all sounded like they were having a blast. I'd love to be there too, but that's not my reality right now (and maybe never again), but I'm OK with that.

I wish you my best, separation is an extremely difficult thing to go through initially, but for me it paved the way to a lot of soul-searching, personal growth and healing. I hope it does the same for you.

[jbnati]

Newman, good to see you back.

It sounds like to me like you're prepared to follow through on separation and/or possible D upon confronting your W about OM. You know your limits, and if you're truly ready to follow through on things, do so when you're ready. IMO you should be prepared for the possibility of her never coming back to the M if you take that step and it shouldn't be solely to show her what she would missing. You know where you are with that.

It also seems to me like you may be spending a considerable amount of time watching your W. Are you doing that to evaluate your decision to file for separation or D?

[newman7977]

AS - thanks. I have to catch up on your sitch. All I know is that you got off the A/D's? If so good for you. You sound well AS

Thanks Newman, I am feeling pretty good although there hasn't been any movement in my sitch. Other than that life is great I did get off the A/D's and so far it's going fine. W took the kids to the beach for a few days, a few months ago I would have been super-depressed about it I'm sure, but now I'm fine with it and am glad they're enjoying themselves. I talked to the kids and W last night and they all sounded like they were having a blast. I'd love to be there too, but that's not my reality right now (and maybe never again), but I'm OK with that.

I wish you my best, separation is an extremely difficult thing to go through initially, but for me it paved the way to a lot of soul-searching, personal growth and healing. I hope it does the same for you.

Thanks for the best wishes AS. Yes been contemplating about trying something different because living together is really not helping. Perhaps a separation will get me the answers I need. Appreciate your insights.

[newman7977]

Newman, good to see you back.

It sounds like to me like you're prepared to follow through on separation and/or possible D upon confronting your W about OM. You know your limits, and if you're truly ready to follow through on things, do so when you're ready. IMO you should be prepared for the possibility of her never coming back to the M if you take that step and it shouldn't be solely to show her what she would missing. You know where you are with that.

It also seems to me like you may be spending a considerable amount of time watching your W. Are you doing that to evaluate your decision to file for separation or D?

Hey JB, thanks for stopping by. I have to read your sitch I see that you have updates I will check it out.

You're right I'm spending lots of time about W, part of it is that yes I'm evaluating my sitch. It's really about me just holding on, deep down I think I really must let her go. I'm on the fence and I need that extra nudge so to speak to let go.

I'm aware that w will not return to M, but if the separation is what's going to clear her head then so be it. Same with me, I'm not sure how I'd react if she wants to reconcile we will see.

But right now I think the more we stay together the more she gets closer or think about OM. You know "Romeo and Juliet 101", I heard that line at law and order.

Anyway, we will see I have to plan this good. I need two more L opinions, save money, think about what my kids will need when they are with me. I'm thinking of moving to my parents temporarily and will definitely take the kids every other weekend.

More later I gotta go,

Newman

[newman7977]

Ok I didn't confront W about her extra stop before coming home it actually stopped for the last 3 days so I'm dropping that for now.

So now after contemplating for a few days now about me moving out of the house, I decided I won't move. I just can't stomach that my kids will think that I left them. My W is the one that checked out of the marriage if anything she should move. But she won't and really I can't force her to move out.

So what's left, I got to try something different. I got to go dark real dark. I'm thinking of moving to s13s room, cutting me out to family outings like visiting in laws. This is different because the last year and a half we've been going to family gatherings like we're still a family. Well my w doesn't want this marriage and have suggested in house separation. That's what I'm going to do and I will also act as we're done. She's just going to have to explain to her family that there's no more us.

How long will this last. I don't know but I know I have to try something different.

It's GAL time.

Newman