It's been probably close 6 months since I last posted but the short history is a little over a year ago my wife had an affair. Once I found out I did the typical pleading and pursuing that eventually pushed her away. After about 3 months she moved into her own apt and I was actually able breath myself. I stopped pursuing and started doing things for me. By September, the affair was over after a little time she moved back in where things had been going well. She changed jobs, we redid some stuff around the house and started to basically pick up where we left off before things went south.
That all changed about a month ago when I happened to see that she started texting OM again. I tried to keep it together and - whether it was fair or not - I asked her to stop talking to him. I didn't give an ultimatum but I was afraid that it could lead to bigger problems for us so I had trouble letting it go.
Well, yesterday it all came to a head. Since I found out that she was talking to OM again, I went into overdrive to make sure everything with us was good. It started with me trying to talk about anything that was bothering us, then it moved on to talking about trust and respect and honesty, until finally yesterday I basically beat her over the head with a list of all this stuff I wanted us to work towards.
Needless to say, this was a major backslide for me. When she had enough of the conversation I couldn't let it go and pushed her - about the affair again, why couldn't she stop talking to him, our future, etc. By 11am she said she was done and packed a bag for her mom's (at least she didn't get an apt this time). This morning she texted me just to let me know that she had to stop by to grab her atm card and I took the opportunity to rehash everything from the yesterday (real smart, right). So now that conversation ended with she can't do this anymore and that's it.
I'm basically in a worse spot emotionally then I was thrilled first time around. My hope is that she'll take a couple days at her mom's and comes home. If she doesn't that I've already reread DR today so hopefully I can control myself and start working to right this ship.
I know this all sounds pretty pathetic and I really screwed up but any advice whether she comes back or not? I was doing so well while we were separated and for the first few months she was home but just lost my grip the last month.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
All I can say is, I don't think she was ready to move back in in the first place. Seems to me that she didn't want to fully reconcile. She needed more time to truly value your marriage.
Allow her to reconsider the marriage without your help. It will be difficult to do but necessary.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Welcome back Hurt84, sorry you are here! From my perspective, you were in an unsustainable situation, so this was more or less inevitable.
If she started talking to OM again, then she wasn't fully committed. The fact that you were snooping means that she was giving you reason to doubt, and while you have reason to doubt, you can't be "confident in the relationship". If you're not confident, your insecurity will show itself, and that is an attraction killer for women.
It's a big negatively reinforcing cycle. You're not confident, that makes you less attractive, because you're less attractive to her you have less reason to be confident, and around you go.
I'm sure she hasn't been meeting your needs in this context, so you've probably been "married for two" while she's been a "let's see how it goes" passenger. When you fear that any misstep will lead to a move-out, you can't really live. That's no way to be.
She's not acting like a married person, she's not committed to marriage. You need to make some boundaries, and you need to commit to them. For instance, all contact with the OM must be over now and forever. If she violates that boundary, it should be YOU telling her to pack her things and get out.
Rather than being apologetic in this situation, I would spend some time thinking about what you *need* to feel confident and I would express them in terms of boundaries. I would then *encourage* W to stay at her mother's house or anywhere else she wants until she's ready to respect your boundaries.
That would be a 180 right? Don't let her back in until she's ready to step up. She may not come back, but you need to be okay with that. Only when you get *there* will you be in a place to regain your power in the relationship and come into it as an equal. If you're in a perpetual "one down" or "less than" position, it can't last.
I'm very sorry you're here again, and I'm very sorry you're feeling badly. I agree with 2chiquitos that your W came back before she was ready and maybe for the wrong reasons. Let her have her time and focus on you. The *best* thing you can do right now is to offer some tough love and tell her she's not coming back until she writes a letter or e-mail to OM that she shares with you, explaining that all contact must cease now and forever for the good of her marriage. You're not making her write that, that's just the price of admission to be in a relationship with you.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I agree with 2chiquitos and Accuray, it sounds like she wasn't committed to reconciliation. I don't think that you backslid at all, it's completely reasonable to expect that if she moved back in under the premise of reconciling then she should be expected to cut off all contact with OM and be transparent with you regarding her phone and email convos. If and when she says she wants to move back in, you should sit down with her and calmly discuss your boundaries as a requirement of allowing her back. There should be no contact with OM, she should be willing to give you her phone and email passwords and let you check on her convos whenever you want. If she can't live with these boundaries then she's not ready to move back.
But for now remember not to beg/ plead/ reason/ negotiate. Give her time and space. Don't apply any pressure to her, do not initiate any discussions about the R, M or moving back. Let her determine the pace. If she tells you she wants to return, that's when you should talk about the boundaries.
Thanks everyone for the feedback. Accuray hit the nail on the head basically. While me seeing that she was talking to OM again (I saw it one day while I walked by her sitting on the couch) definitely triggered me wanting to accelerate the process, we were had been making some progress since she came home granted it also had slowed in recent weeks. Once I saw it, I asked her to stop talking to him because I wanted us to be able to move on from that part of our life without any distractions that could cause us any problems. She said that she was focused on us, and respected my wishes but couldn't promise that.
I also started to get concerned because I got the impression she was a little depressed that some of her friends had their own marriages, families and issues which started to impact I guess the things that they all used to do together. I say this because we used to go on vacations and day trips or split up just the men and girls for a night with this group of friends but we haven't done that as much recently. We were planning a group trip to Vegas this spring which I know she was looking forward to but it turned into the guys only because one of the girls is pregnant with their second, preparing for the new baby and understandably not into the idea of traveling right now while the other one of the girls won't go now because she's decided that she's afraid of flying. I could tell not being able to do a lot of the things she used to be able to do got to her a little - at one point she said her friends sucked. She started hanging out with some friends from her old job (which probably encouraged the A last year when she wasn't happy) and also some newer people from work. Now I started to feel left out.
For a couple weeks I played the wait and see approach and tried to act as if none of this was affecting me. I could see that it was sporadic when she would talk to OM and and that she still seemed interested in the marriage. She didn't go out a lot at all - maybe to dinner with one of her girlfriends once a month and went out one Friday night with people from work - so I was generally okay with things but started to feel insecure when she would make plans without me.
At some point, we started talking about future plans again which was the first time in a while and I thought was a great sign. I saw this as an opportunity for us to set some clear "goals" for ourselves in moving beyond any issues that could arise and went into overdrive to try and talk about those issues directly - all at once. Wednesday night, Thursday night and finally Saturday morning - all basically me saying the same things how in order for this to work we both need to be committed and work on respect, honesty, trust, accountability and love. Rather then discussing, it turned into me rambling to the point where I beat the conversation to death. One of the nights she started to get upset and said she was going to go to her moms in the morning - when she did that I told her, "why wait" and that we can't play this pack a bag, unpack a bag game again. She calmed down and we agreed to try the conversation again - this time writing things down and we'd go off our lists. We tried again Saturday morning but it spiraled out of control and I could feel myself just repeating myself and make it worse but I couldn't stop.
Finally, she said that wasn't happy and hadn't been for a while. She said that when she came home it was because she wanted it to work but she was regretting it now because she feels like she's constantly walking on eggshells around me and resented me for it. She said that we are in this constant cycle of arguing about the same thing over and over where for a while things are good but then its not good enough and it happens all over again.
This lead to me pleading and begging for her to try with me rather then us going at it two different ways. At that point she said that she couldn't keep doing this to herself or us and needed to start moving on. Yesterday she said she wanted a divorce.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
I'm with the others, this wasn't a backslide. She isn't really committed to the R. To be committed to your R, there needs to be no contact. My H cut off OW, wanted to move forward with our R, but still be FB friends with her and secretive with his phone. NO SIR! Let's be real. You absolutely CAN NOT do a thing with your M if you are contacting the OP. I calmly stated that I needed transparency & the defriend or a separation. He moved out.
Honestly, what had you all discussed before she moved back in? I know for me, for my H to move back in it is already known that there will be NO contact with OW. Also, if he did move back in and I found out about contact, it's done. We are through. Or at a minimum, he needs to leave again. But, in my sitch it would be that we are done.
I know how hard this is!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Well the best advice I got is that when the WAS moves back in you need to take a break from "working on the relationship" and just let things settle for a while. You're pressuring the WAS at a point where they are still testing the waters. The only exception is that you cannot tolerate disrespect at all -- such as continuing to contact the OM.
Hurt I think you need to get up, dust yourself off and let her go for a while. Put a date on your calendar 6 weeks from now and do nothing but focus on you between now and then.
Your W knows clearly what you want and expect, you've laid it out repeatedly. If you tell her you don't want that anymore you're just kidding yourself and it will come up again.
Hopefully in your piecing you showed her the best side of you and gave her something to miss. Now let her decide, go dark, no more overtures. If OM is still in the picture it's back to a waiting game and giving space
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks everyone. Obviously this is all fresh (again) so I'm going through the whole gamut of emotions - work really stunk today. I know each day will get easier to deal with and as that happens, I'll be able to begin focusing on improving things for myself and everything else well, we'll just see where that goes - I can only control what I'm going to do.
One thing I don't think I've mentioned all along, and I'm curious if anyone has any thoughts about it, is that my W is a substance abuse counselor who works daily with clients in individual and group settings. She sees all different types of conflict each day and what always baffles me is that she can work with her clients through their problems and to find ways to solve them but can't or refuses with me.
Years ago, I used to always say, "Don't treat me like one of your clients" if she started to analyze something I was doing and get clinical on me - we used to joke about it. There's times now where I wish she would do it on us simply because you would think she has the tools to work through a lot of these issues.
Anyway, I just find it interesting.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
My mother was a psychiatric social worker and said that therapists and counselors were the most irrational dysfunctional people she met when it came to their personal lives. She said that when it came to other people's problems they were great, but really had blind spots for their own issues. I'm sure that's a grossly unfair broad-brush characterization, but I have come across it before to answer your question.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks Accuray, makes sense and unfortunately is pretty consistent with what I see in W.
A little update: W texted me a little while ago that she had to stop by the house today but that she was going back to her mom's tonight and then was going to be away tomorrow night with her sister (planned before all this). She said we could talk Thursday. I simply said okay and answered her follow up question about mail.
I'm not going to say this is progress - I'm done thinking about it like that. We haven't spoken since Sunday AM (which wasn't good) so if anything this gives me two more days to pull myself back together. I keep the house in pretty good shape when she's not around so hopefully that jumps out to her while she's there.
If she wants to talk Thursday, great. I don't plan on getting too detailed with any discussions right now. I'd rather let things settle for a while because the way our "discussions" have gone recently, they've done more damage then good. I'd rather get back on some better terms first and go from there. At the same time, it could be a talk about getting serious with moving forward with divorce, not so great. I guess we'll see on Thursday.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
